Please help me - struggling

[oodlesofpoodles7]

Hi all

We are two months into placement of our 3 year old LO and I'm so miserable and feel like the worst parent ever. I don't love my child and I've spent the past eight weeks faking it in the hopes I will make it but I'm just so drained and feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Then I feel guilty because everyone who has met LO absolutely loves them and thinks they are wonderful.

I feel irritated nearly all day long by LO. When LO clings to me I don't feel like a mum that wants to comfort their child. I feel annoyed and like I don't like them. I don't feel like I'm LO's parent, i feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child. I hate seeing other mum's with their kids when we are out because I feel it's so obvious I don't feel the way they do about their children. I feel like a fraud. I'm jealous of other mum's who simply love their kids. Why don't I feel that way??

I also feel immensely guilty all day long about everything. I feel guilt if LO has sweets... Conversely, I felt guilty tonight for not giving LO dessert because they had some sweets after lunch today. Whatever I do, I feel guilty.

I'm short tempered which isn't like me. I try my hardest to grit my teeth and stay calm but sometimes I snap when LO shouts at me or doesn't listen. I am sick to the back teeth of being told daily that LO is "not a baby" (this is often screamed at me) or that they are the boss, not me. LO has control issues and it's exhausting to deal with. It feels like whatever I do, it's wrong. I'm trying to parent therapeutically and then beat myself up if I do something not in step with the technique

I just need a hand hold and encouragement it will get better. I feel so sad that I'm so negative, I want to be a happy fun mummy and not this grouchy mess. I'm trying my best but I miss my old life and don't enjoy being around my child

holds hand

2 months in is very, very early days and the way you're feeling is completely normal. I felt the exact same way and I'm sure many of us here did. You've been thrown in at the deep end with a 3 year old; if you had a 2 months old baby now no one would expect you to have your shit together, so please try to remember to be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.

He's fed, clean (mostly), and alive - you're doing amazing! The fact that you're worrying about this and feeling the guilt means you're already a wonderful parent, even though it doesn't feel wonderful yet. It's natural and normal to be annoyed and miss your old life, but over time you'll start having more and more good days.

Fake it till you make it, make sure you get some time to yourself and please don't worry about eating sweets etc! He'll survive :) it will get better and you are a brilliant parent xx

Also want to add that to with TP etc, literally no one can follow it all the time. We all snap and don't react as we mean to. Do some repair afterwards and it will be okay.

Well here is a handhold from me. It's hard and I get it!

Love grows, I absolutely promise you. Therapeutic parenting is hard and although my daughter needs it and I do my best, I get it wrong sometimes too (more often than I would like). Today I have felt guilty about 10 times and I've only been with her before her breakfast club and after her after school club! Today's guilt has also been around food here, too. And quality time on homework. And play dates. And screen time. Oh dear!

Years down the line I still kind of miss my old life and some days are so difficult. But I have this overwhelming love for the little girl currently singing about hedgehogs and foxes in her bedroom instead of going to sleep and a bank of happy memories to see me through tough times. I'm sure this will be the same for you too.

Are you getting enough sleep and help?

Hand hold for you! You're not alone. X

This is totally totally normal. It is truly hellish, those early days, and I felt like this. So many of us feel like this in the early days. It absolutely will get better.

Even birth parents can feel like this in the early days of parenting. (I did with BC, and that kept me going with AC, too. I knew it would pass.)

Keep faking it until you make it. I love my children deeply and enjoy them every day.

You're doing brilliantly. Do you have chocolate? Wine? Anything that treats you. This is a hard slog, but you've got this far. You can do tomorrow, it's a fresh day. Set yourself lower targets. I nearly killed myself trying to win some great mum awards in the early days, each time, you'd think I'd learn there are no medals for craft, or therapeutic activities. There's only the same laundry and washing up!

Hand hold from me, I promise you are normal. It will get better.

I’m nearly six months in and I adore my son. He is the greatest person I’ve ever met.

The first three months of placement were hellish. He rejected me, he howled with grief for his foster carers, he approached strangers over me for hugs, his control issues were hardcore. It was during lockdown and we saw nobody but each other. I talked about distruption. I rang family members in floods and floods of tears.

Things got better. He still has issues but they’re whispers of what they were. I’m sure there are more to come. But it doesn’t matter what he experiences because he lets me in now and trusts me to help him with his feelings. I want to help him. I love him.

I was you in so many ways and a therapist friend told me to give it six months. That I needed to try for six months before throwing it all away. Thank god I did. I’m so so lucky to have my little boy (28 months) in my life.

Oh my goodness I think you are amazing and I'm sure you are doing a better job than you give yourself credit for.

Parenting is full of guilt! No one prepared you for that part. The fact that you feel guilty and are thinking these through means you are being a great care giver.

As you get to know your little one you will learn to cope with them better. In the meantime what external support and help can you get?

Ps can't remember the last time I was fun mum! It happens rarely!

By the way it’s SO FUCKING HARD. Don’t think for a second that ‘ordinary’ parenting is easy. The guilt! The tiredness! The irritation! The internal rage at being triggered by whatever triggers you! The feeling like a servant! And that’s not including all the trauma stuff.

You’ve got this. It will most likely change. You’re doing something hugely difficult in a global pandemic. All the adopters I know in real life wax lyrical about how wonderful being a parent is. They’re the type who post sunny Instagram photos. What a load of bollocks, honestly. You’re not alone in your feelings. So many of us have felt the way you feel. Keep reaching out for virtual handholds. I promise that your feelings (like all feelings) will develop and change as will your child’s xx

@mahrezzy oh no! The real-life adopters I know rely heavily on eye-rolling and comfort eating like me luckily!

OP, you've done 8 weeks. I can easily believe ten minutes on any one of those days felt like an eternity. But you've kept going, and you're making progress but it might not be visible yet. Hang on, keep doing what you're doing. These (frankly horrific) very early days truly do pass. I was terrified I'd made an awful mistake. That was over 5 years ago and most of our bumps in the road these days are very normal ones really. The love does come, quietly and softly when you're not looking, until one day you realise it's there.

Absolutely nobody is therapeutic all the time. Little drops of TP, chunks of "good enough", and really just being there alongside as a presence, mean you're doing incredibly well.

I was you OP, nearly a year ago. Those early days were insufferable. There were so many times I thought I cannot do this. My son was (and still is at times) extremely controlling and it is exhausting. I totally get what you are saying about not feeling like his Mum. That will come. I remember actually squirming whenever anyone referred to me as 'mummy.' I hated it and felt so uncomfortable. It took a long time for me to feel that I loved him and that everything I had sacrificed felt worth it. We're just over a year in now and it's probably only in the last 3 months or so if I'm honest that I've felt that way. You are not alone and you will be doing a much much better job than you give yourself credit for. It is also impossible to be therapeutic all of the time. In those early days it's all just about survival. Sending virtual hugs to you. I remember how lonely it felt.

You're doing an amazing job. 2 months in many many mothers - adoptive and birth - are not feeling like 'mums' yet, and your path has been steeper than most.

Other people will have much more experienced advice than me, but can say after 8 years as a mum of 3, one with SN, the guilt and the worrying about giving sweets then about not giving sweets and the short temperedness and starting the day wanting to be 'fun mum' and catching yourself telling them off by 7.04am... that truly is part of being a mum! There are other, wonderful and joyful bits too, and trust that these will come, and seek support from those around you.

@mahrezzy you need more normal adopter friends!

I'm all about the wine, chocolate, eye rolling and prozac!

Oh god, I remember those early days so very well. It’s hard. Like climbing Everest in flip flops hard.

Some very practical tips from me.

• really really pick your battles. If it doesn’t matter, don’t fuss about it. For me that meant life and limb. As long as they were fed, clothed and clean everything else was a bonus. If you can give your LO choice, give him choice of one or two options (eg shall we have apple or banana for snack today) if he chooses grapes, that’s fine (as long as you have some).

• get out every day, even if it’s 10 minutes round the block. On a purely practical leve getting my two dressed, into coats and boots, toileted and out used up some of the many hours looming ahead. Don’t put a time on it, or plan anything that can’t be moved but get out.

• don’t worry about tv, at all, your LO has been through massive changes and needs time for his whole system to adjust - cuddling on the sofa (while mum cries into a cup of tea) is totally fine.

• someone (I think on here) advised me to “just add water” - if he likes a bath put him in the bath when he’s grumpy or unsettled or stroppy. Let him play with water in a sink or basin, if you can take him swimming - water is very regulating for little people.

• don’t overly stress about therapeutic parenting at this stage. You build your relationship with him in all those interactions and caring tasks, attachment takes years to develop - you won’t warp his spirit if you tell him no occasionally, or are stressed or short tempered, it’s how you repair things with him. A cuddle and a short explanation goes a long way.

• don’t think those other mums have got it sorted. They’ve had at least 2 years practice you’ve not has and are totally winging it too. They’ve just got used to hiding it by now.

• if you’re meeting you child’s needs, you’re showing them love. You may not have the warm smushy feelings, but you’ve got the commitment. How many people have you really fallen in love with after just two months. Give yourself time.

• watch your LO sleeping. As much as you can. Notice their tiny fingers and toes, look at them in their cuddly pjs and smell their baby hair. Even if you’re thinking “in the name of all that’s holy don’t wake up, please don’t wake up still watch them sleep.

• give yourself a break. Every single part of your life has changed, and you’re responsible for another living being in a way you’ve never been before. Drink the wine, eat the chocolate, cry to a friend bit stop beating yourself up for finding this hard. It is hard.

Adoptive parents are bloody hard core - welcome to the club.

Apologies for referring to “him/he”, you’ve not given the gender of your child - I clearly misread, I’m sorry.

Five years in and still spend a quarter of the day gritting teeth!
You will get there. I promise you - you will.
Our little one has control issues and it is INFURIATING.
The love will grow.
I was a babysitter for nigh on two years before we started to gel together.
It's not you, it's the situation.
Hang on in there.

Im so glad you've written this, this is exactly how Ive been feeling, to the point of being ready to give up 2 weeks ago. the past few days have been better. We're about 3 months into placement too with pre school siblings.
I totally get what you're saying about feeling guilty for snapping, I snap then feel guilty and stressed making me more likely to snap again.
I've been trying to really pick my battles and let more stuff go (I'm not a particularlt laid back person).
The oldest is very clingy to me so I've been offering some one on one time with just me and her which has helped a bit with some of the challenging behaviour seen when I gave the younger one any attention.
I'm also offering lots of simple choices, blue or yellow top- you put it on or mummy do it, banana or orange etc.
Weve also got the dog walker coming in a couple of days when we have groups and a cleaner so I can chill more during their nap and have some 'me time and a cuppa'.
I do think it's harder during the pandemic, I'm not one for zoom and much prefer face to face, particularly when things are tough, so find it hard not being able to see my friends and family.
I think the point of my post is that you're definately jot alone in how you're feeling.

@oodlesofpoodles7 you are doing great. I know that’s not how you feel but reaching out for support shows that you care for your child.

My advice, which might go against the grain, would be have a simple, predictable routine eg have breakfast, get dressed, morning out somewhere, lunch, afternoon around the house getting to know each other, dinner and bed. (our mornings were spent in the local park or woods or similar. Climbing trees/play park encourages positive touch, encouragement etc. It’s autumn so collect leaves, pine cones, explore the world around you. You might be the first person who has ever done this with little one.)

Give lots of choice, play a jigsaw or play dough? Turn left or right? Pizza or fish fingers? Leave almost nothing that can be an argument.

Take lots of photos of the every day mundane stuff and spend time talking about it. Look here is us playing cars, I remember how fast yours went. Look at you cuddling your teddy, you are such a caring child. They will really make you smile even if it’s been an awful day. We’ve loads of photos and it’s great looking back on them. I was miserable, he was miserable but the photos don’t show that. As my son becomes older, his memory will fade and all he will have are t he photos and my narrative.

Drink lots of tea or coffee. Just taking a few minutes to yourself while the kettle boils will give you a moment to recharge.

And don’t worry about food. Give them what you can. As long as little one isn’t hungry, who cares if it’s a microwave meal?!

Don’t worry about being grumpy. My daughter and I were talking using parts language and I’m so grumpy my whole head is my grumpy part!

Nobody tells you how hard it will be but things do get better. You are still getting to know each other and you are still strangers. Do little things to get to know each other.

I hope you are feeling more brighter this morning.

The fact that you are worrying and feeling guilty shows you care, you sound like a good mummy 😊 we all biologically adopted step parents all feel guilty most of the time! It does not matter if you give them sweets, you snap occasionally you feel like you made a bad decision these are all natural honestly. Love grows I don't believe it has to be instantaneously.
Grab wine, netflix, a book call a friend rant chat on here. We do what we need to do to get through the day! Adoption is hard lockdown adoption harder. Give yourself a break.
You are doing great 👌

Whereabouts (roughly) are you? eg. North East/South East....nothing too specific.

We adopted a 3 year old 3 years ago and I remember it well. Happy to PM or if it turned out I'm local I'm happy to help in other ways!

Please don't beat yourself up, this is normal, and I was the same.
Our LO came home at 7 months old, and for the first few weeks I felt I'd made a huge mistake, he would try and scratch me, would cry, would lash out, and I started spending less time with him. I even told my OH to call the SW and take him back.
But I then started forcing myself to play with him, put him to bed, even just sit with him, and I started to like him. Then over the months I started to love him and wanted to protect him. When he wasn't feeling well I wanted to protect him, cuddle him and make him better. If he got hurt by another child I was so protective over him, and now I would die for him. He is just over 3 years old now.
It is hard, no-one tells you how hard, it is draining, it changes your whole life, and your life is now dictated by this small person. But know that you are not alone, I promise things will get better.
I had to remember that my LO, even at 7 months old, was scared, didn't know me/my husband/our dogs, had come into a house which smelt different, looked different and had strangers in it. He was probably petrified and confused, and that made him upset and angry.
Your LO will be worse as he/she is older so will remember a lot more.
Try and spend time with them, remembering all this, try and put yourself in their shoes, they are the small scared one and will be confused, upset and angry. It's okay for you to feel the way you do, but try and remember why you decided to adopt, why you did this in the first place. You will be okay, and one day it will all just drop into place.
I'm in the South if you wanted to PM me.

If you like reading I’d highly recommend Sabre Tooth Tigers and Teddy Bears by Suzanne Zeedyk, a really good, clear understanding of attachment but in very practical terms which will really help you understand what’s happening with your little one and give you some ideas of how to help him (and you) through this. It might also help reassure you that all of this is very normal.

Well done for reaching out. We are 5 (!!!) Years down the line. Its flown. Many moments of dismay, thinking I can't do it, lost, broken and exhausted. We still have time when I need to go for a walk or something as our daughter has control and attachment issues. But I absolutely love her. She was a stranger once upon a time, and our love just grew.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. When you're in it it's so difficult to imagine feeling any differently but with time things do (tend to) change. I think it's important to listen to and acknowledge where you are at rather than feel pressure to paint on a facade. Please let me reassure you that even in the adoption circle there can be some pretty filtered ways of talking about having brought children home especially in the early days. I remember reading messages from my adoption training group and thinking I must've been the only one feeling the way I did (v much how you described) as they were all talking about they instantly knew heir child was "the one", lots of humble bragging about their children bonding with them instantly etc etc. I've since learnt that even in the adoption community ppl are only human and even in the context (and maybe because of it) of a harder journey that we all need to support each other with there are ppl who find it hard to drop the mask that everything's going great. The reality of adopters I am actually friends with is that the overwhelming majority of adopters del overwhelmed stressed guilty anxious you name it in the first few months. And the great taboo of loving our children instantly (as a society not just in relation to adopted children) needs to be smashed in my opinion. I phrase it that I eventually fell in love with my child after a period of really feeling worried doubtful scared and incredibly down. I did get there with a lot of help from friends family and eventually holding my hands up to my social worker that I was finding things tough - but it did take time and with hindsight I put far too much pressure on myself. My main advice fwiw is be kind to yourself, give yourself grace, recognise that all is not what it seems when it comes to ppls introductions / coming home stories and wobbles are not a weakness. If you have a supportive sw do give them a call.

OP you have had lots of great advice here which I hope you have found helpful. How are things today?

I found the first 3 months very hard, and then it slowly got easier as I got more confident.

It is very early days, plus you are doing this in the middle of a pandemic! Don't underestimate the extra stress that will be causing.

My own advice is

• you don't have to be perfect, you just need to be 'good enough'
• a routine helps, time to go out, time to do craft / play, time to chill with a book, time for TV
• make sure your other half is pulling their weight!

If you're parenting therapeutically have you joined the Therapeutic Parenting FB group ? Loads of people just like you so you'd get loads of support.