Please help me - struggling

[oodlesofpoodles7]

Hi all

We are two months into placement of our 3 year old LO and I'm so miserable and feel like the worst parent ever. I don't love my child and I've spent the past eight weeks faking it in the hopes I will make it but I'm just so drained and feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Then I feel guilty because everyone who has met LO absolutely loves them and thinks they are wonderful.

I feel irritated nearly all day long by LO. When LO clings to me I don't feel like a mum that wants to comfort their child. I feel annoyed and like I don't like them. I don't feel like I'm LO's parent, i feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child. I hate seeing other mum's with their kids when we are out because I feel it's so obvious I don't feel the way they do about their children. I feel like a fraud. I'm jealous of other mum's who simply love their kids. Why don't I feel that way??

I also feel immensely guilty all day long about everything. I feel guilt if LO has sweets... Conversely, I felt guilty tonight for not giving LO dessert because they had some sweets after lunch today. Whatever I do, I feel guilty.

I'm short tempered which isn't like me. I try my hardest to grit my teeth and stay calm but sometimes I snap when LO shouts at me or doesn't listen. I am sick to the back teeth of being told daily that LO is "not a baby" (this is often screamed at me) or that they are the boss, not me. LO has control issues and it's exhausting to deal with. It feels like whatever I do, it's wrong. I'm trying to parent therapeutically and then beat myself up if I do something not in step with the technique

I just need a hand hold and encouragement it will get better. I feel so sad that I'm so negative, I want to be a happy fun mummy and not this grouchy mess. I'm trying my best but I miss my old life and don't enjoy being around my child

So helpful to have honest sharing of challenges ...and all the empathetic responses 😊

Thank you for all your kind responses, they have helped over the past couple of days. I have been up and down since posting this, there have been some lovely moments with LO where I have felt a connection and all of my irritation has melted away but it doesn't seem to last very long and then I'm back to feeling like a heartless monster

LO will tell me a lot during the day that they love me, sometimes constantly "I love you mummy", it seems sweet but sometimes makes me cringe. Like a PP I also feel uncomfortable being called mummy as I just don't feel like one.

DH is really good with LO, they have a lovely playful relationship and are always giggling away together and I don't understand why I can't be that fun, happy parent. I'm scared LO can sense how I feel and that I'm causing them further trauma with my reluctance.

LO is also pining for their FCs and I don't blame them. Right now I'm struggling to see how LO is better off with me than their foster family who loved them so deeply

LO is also pining for their FCs and I don't blame them. Right now I'm struggling to see how LO is better off with me than their foster family who loved them so deeply

Even if you felt all the warm fuzzy feelings in the world your LO soul still grieve for their foster carers. You were assessed as the best place for your child on a permanent basis, even if you doubt that assessment at the moment. I remember feeling like I was stealing a child from the foster carers, but they weren’t the best option for both my children.

It’s not at all unusual for children to bond with one parent more easily than the other, or to seem to prefer the male parent. I’m guessing there have been way more day to day changes for you (adoption leave, socially, practically). With my DH and I we had to radically change our responsibilities around the house because my workload (housework, laundry, caring responsibilities) quadrupled and his barely changed - because I was home I thought it was right that I keep on top of the house because he was still out of work. Instead the house was a tip, I felt completely overwhelmed and was not by any stretch the calm, fun, happy mum I thought I would be. Once we renegotiated a bit, and built in some clear downtime for me, it felt much more possible. It’s easy to forget that your primary role at home in these early day’s I’d go learn how to parent your child, the housework etc still needs to be shared.

As the kids have grown, we’ve needed to regularly adjust to make sure things stayed balanced and even. It may not be relevant for you but worth thinking about how much additional stuff you have on your plate now and make sure it’s equally spread.

If you’re attending to your child’s needs, are trying to connect with them, and recognise those connected moments, you’re doing ok. It’s very, very early days.

Sorry, he was still out at work.

You're doing so well.

I reckon DD must have said I love about a hundred times a day to start with - it didn't mean that, it meant "hello, I am here, look after me, connect with me, I'm trying to please you in case you're not a safe person". But that's a rather difficult set of things for a toddler to express!

After a very, very long time one day she stared at me for ages and said "I really like you" and that felt real, and very precious.

Have you come across the analogy that parenting children who've been through trauma can feel like throwing pebbles into a pond? The pebbles are our efforts, day in day out, we chuck them in and the pond looks exactly the same with no change. We think it's all pointless, we get exhausted, we doubt ourselves but we keep going. Until one day the heap made by those pebbles starts to break the surface and you realise you've built a safe place to stand on, a new foundation that gets your child out of the water.

This is really, really hard but you're doing it, you really are

We've adopted twice and we had genuinely forgotten how awful some of those early days were. My husband who hardly ever cries just sat on the top step with tears pouring down his face. I had to leave him one day whilst our AS screamed and screamed.....but you do get through it. We are 10 and 6 years in and we are largely a very happy family and now it's puberty to deal with. Now our tears come from when we see them struggle. My husband constantly feels like he isn't doing enough but he is brilliant with both of them even with their issues.

You will come through this and when you look back like I am now, a lot of this will be forgotten

Only today we were talking about how we would never go back to the early days with our then 3 year old. They were hard! It is so much easier now they are 6 and when he says he loves me, it feels totally natural. It didn’t for much of the first year but it will come.

I so agree with “just add water” - if he likes a bath put him in the bath when he’s grumpy or unsettled or stroppy. Let him play with water in a sink or basin, if you can take him swimming - water is very regulating for little people."

And I'd add a cold drink or warm (suitable for child) drink etc which can help if they are dehydrated and also can be fun, drinking, having a little tea party, icing cakes etc. All fun.

I think all the routine stuff is great.

Are you adopting alone?

@oodlesofpoodles7 thinking of you.

@oodlesofpoodles7I there is a thread on here called "I don't know if my placement is working out."

It is a lovely short thread that has a happy ending and loads of good advice! I'd really recommend it.

Hi all, thank you again for your responses.

Things felt better after my last post here, I spent a couple of days feeling like things were clicking into place and that maybe we could be ok after all however I was soon brought crashing back down to earth and things now feel worse than ever.

LO has been through so much in their life that I can't and don't blame them for how they behave but some of their actions and words are really starting to bring me down. Last weekend LO told DH to go kill himself, I can't express how upset this made me and how much it made me feel dislike for LO. I don't even understand where LO learnt those words, LO is only 3 and we don't allow them to listen to or watch anything inappropriate and I would be highly surprised if it was something they picked up from FCs. It's days later and I still want to cry thinking about it, my DH is wonderful and I can't stand him being told things so horrible as that.

Since then I've noticed whenever we do something nice, have a treat, go somewhere fun LO 's behaviour will be difficult after, this can be something as small as allowing them a doughnut from Greggs as a treat which I did today and LO was so defiant and rude after that I wish I'd just stuck with their usual snack of fruit. I understand all about self sabotage and LO feeling not worthy of treats but I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling utterly miserable after trying to make LO happy.

Days are just dragging and today is particularly bad, I don't think this placement is working out and I'm scared of what's to come. I can't take any more of LO clinging to me then pushing me away, I can't take anymore of being controlled by a 3 year old. I miss my old life and feel so unhappy

Please OP talk to your GP. You may be suffering from post adoption depression.

It is a real thing.

Please remember when your little one says that kind of thing she really cannot grasp the full meaning. I don't know her situation but she may have heard these words in birth family and seen they create a response. She doesn't know what it means to you.

Please ask for some post adoption support too.

Please take care of yourself and remember she is acting this way for a variety of mixed reasons and not to hurt you, or your dh, personally.

This is easy to type and very hard to remember in the depths of things but a wise person once told me "she is not doing it TO you, she's doing it IN FRONT of you" e.g. they are not trying to hurt you, they are too little really to have that malice of intent. They are showing you how desperate they are feeling. And you're dead right, they are trying everything they can to control the situation, because there were very scary consequence when things were out of their control in their early life. And they don't know yet that this new place is safe, or whether it will stay safe.

Things like unplanned treats, and the push-pull behaviour, do get easier. You already know what is most likely underneath it. Have you the strength to do a bit of talking around them, wondering for them what they might be feeling? The quicker they get words for their feelings, the more it can help.

Early months for us: clung to a routine like a life raft, cried every day (me mainly), worried I would never cope and had made a terrible mistake thinking I could do this, every single tiny outing I was stressed to the max about whether they would melt down, they only slept an hour at a time at night, they had no speech due to dev delay...

Now: DD is a really happy relaxed child (very chatty) and our house has a lightness about it that I genuinely never dared hope for.

I am not minimising long-term issues or saying that everything simply goes away with time, because that's not true. We've had expert input from attachment psychologists, and from paediatricians. Theraplay also worked well for us, But there are some things that only time can resolve, like the slow building of bonds and trust.

Definitely ask for help, or assessment, from anyone you have available to you - social worker, doctor, health visitor, and anyone else they can refer you to. If your LA has an adopter buddy or peer supporter scheme, those can be great - you might know people from your prep course but the trouble is often those people are at the same stage as you and struggling just as much.

I understand all about self sabotage and LO feeling not worthy of treats but I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling utterly miserable after trying to make LO happy.

I can really understand that, but it won’t always be this way. My DD was incredibly self sabotaging - anything good that happened she needed to end badly, either by being poorly behaved, being destructive or getting into trouble in some way. She was 6 when she came to us so had many years of not getting (she wouldn’t do a Santa list or ask for Christmas gifts because she thought no one would get her what she wanted - the first Christmas was an utter riot). 3 years in and she still sometimes can pick a fight if she’s had a really good day, or can preempt something going well but she’s much much better.

Things that helped us was not rising to the behaviour (the number of times I’ve cleaned up broken toys with a smile and a hug), and later have said how hard she finds it when says go well.

Being very verbal about how smart, kind, thoughtful, gentle she is and how much she deserves love and care (she hated me saying it at first and even now finds it hard)

We also found giving her an outlet, so messy play, physical exercise etc to bring down her adrenaline levels (bearing in mind the self sabotage is a triggered response, she doesn’t have control over it - the child equivalent of fight/flight).

In terms of your DH, she doesn’t know what she’s saying has meaning - again it’s her way of getting him to back off, she can’t leave so getting much space between her and you guys gives her some control. It’s very very hard but honestly does settle.

She’s scared, you’re both knackered (early parenting is hard work). Do talk to your GP, I did have medication at one point just to give me the emotional capacity to cope with the relentlessness of it all. It helped enormously.

Days drag. My son punched our dog yesterday and I yelled blue murder. He didn’t eat his dinner this evening to try and wind me up / played with it / deliberately threw it on the floor with lots of eye contact. He can’t make up his mind if I give him choices, he has a tantrum even when I do respect his choice. Every day is a struggle of absolute boredom. I don’t really enjoy playing with him, I have mountains of housework to do which I can’t when he’s by my side (all the time) as he’s so busy he creates more chaos and I get very cross.

All of the above can be put down to ordinary toddler behaviour. I think a lot of it is.

When he first came home he grieved deeply, wouldn’t let me comfort him, wouldn’t let me near him, and was very very controlling. He’s still controlling in a multitude of ways - in the car he tells me to go faster or slower or which road to take - and I swear some days now (six months in) I want to walk away.

The difference now is that his grief behaviour is fading as his grief does (and it does, it always does). His attachment behaviours are toned right down. He’s attached and our relationship grows every week. He adores me, photos of us together prove it..... although I don’t see it when we’re together, only from the ‘outside’ looking in. He is my son in every way and I love him. I still worry what our future looks like but I’m trying to live in the moment and create happy, warm feelings inside him to add to the bad ones. I can’t fix or erase the bad, I can only add good.

I won’t belittle you by assuming your experience is like how mine was. I’m a single adopter whose very traumatised son came home in lockdown and whose practical support network disappeared because of covid fears. Our LOs are different - of course they are - and their behaviours are too. But the feelings behind those behaviours WILL change as that’s the nature of feelings.

When I look at my son and he’s irritating the shit out of me and I want to scream at him I pretend he’s me at that age and treat him how I’d want to be treated. I try to connect with him and ignore ‘bad’ behaviour that doesn’t matter (it’s a cry for help; it’s done for a ‘bad’ reaction from me). When we go two steps backwards because he’s self sabotaging (less than he used to) I tell myself that it’s progress as he let himself get a tiny bit attached and then got scared.

I’m happy to chat if you want to. So many people on this board offered me such words of wisdom and I’d like to pay it on if I can. Thinking of you. Eat chocolate xx

Some practical tips:

• talk to a teddy and comfort them through that if they won’t let you
• do fake phone calls about them with wondering (so they can hear obvs)
• do fake phone calls where you praise them
• all you need to worry about right now is connecting with them and starting off your relationship - play is obviously good for this. Read up on theraplay and follow their lead with games
• add water. It regulates
• long walks. Regulates
• get them to push heavy stuff and do physical things: jumping, dancing.
• my son and I connect through singing a lot. Everything has a song, every major transition does. My neighbours bought my son a pretend microphone as they think it’s hilarious.
• talk to them like you’re a CBBC presenter. Especially when you’re cross. Don’t raise your voice and slow everything down (hard hard hard).
• remember they’re emotionally younger than they are (so 1-2) and treat them like that no matter how they insist they’re not a baby (no choices or limited choices, rocking and swaddling if you can, feeding them etc)

Also with FC stuff - I did life story work to explain why he’d been moved from FCs and their roles and how much they love him. It helped a fair bit to help him make sense of what was going on.

I would really recommend you speaking to your social worker. Whilst it is brand new to you and you feel like your drowning they'll have seen it before and will help. We were lucky, our SW was amazing. I'm conscious some aren't. If you don't feel comfortable with yours then contact the main office and speak to their manager. They will be able to access a range of support for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really feel for you. My little one is a lot younger but there were many times in the beginning we thought we'd made a huge mistake and it wasn't the right match. It feels horrible being in that place after so long and so much process. I was so scared of being judged that I didn't want my LB anymore - that's how I felt too and I also grieved for my old life. I'm a few months down the line now and I'm so glad that we spoke to our SW about it. He's still here and he's amazing. It is the right match, I feel that in my bones now but that doesn't remove or invalidate my feelings earlier in the year and without being honest with my social worker I could be sitting here with a disrupted placement instead of an amazing little boy.

I would really recommend you speaking to your social worker. Whilst it is brand new to you and you feel like your drowning they'll have seen it before and will help. We were lucky, our SW was amazing. I'm conscious some aren't. If you don't feel comfortable with yours then contact the main office and speak to their manager. They will be able to access a range of support for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really feel for you. My little one is a lot younger but there were many times in the beginning we thought we'd made a huge mistake and it wasn't the right match. It feels horrible being in that place after so long and so much process. I was so scared of being judged that I didn't want my LB anymore - that's how I felt too and I also grieved for my old life. I'm a few months down the line now and I'm so glad that we spoke to our SW about it. He's still here and he's amazing. It is the right match, I feel that in my bones now but that doesn't remove or invalidate my feelings earlier in the year and without being honest with my social worker I could be sitting here with a disrupted placement instead of an amazing little boy.

@oodlesofpoodles7 the just add water works for you too. Make time away from you child (safely) for a hot cup of tea or A cooling drink, a bubble bath or even a swim I'd tour local pool is open. Make safe time away to catch your breath.

You can do this. Look back at your training notes. Speak to your support network. Speak to GP and post adoption support.

The fountain is a good image of what is going on. We looked at it in our adoption training.

The behaviour is the jets of water bouncing around.

That water is fed by the column of the fountain, which is beliefs the child has about themselves. For example, the child may think they are stupid or unloved. I think you can also think of this as the emotions or feelings.

All the water comes from the reservoir at the base of the fountain, which is the child’s needs.

You can deal with the behaviour but if you don’t deal with their needs, which changes their beliefs about themselves - then they will not be easily able to change their behaviour.

I’ve got a terrible memory so I remember it alphabetically…

• behaviour

• beliefs (or emotions or feelings)

• needs.

Although actually, it’s the backwards alphabet as you need to start with the needs.

You are doing a good job, keep going. You will reach those needs.

The fountain analogy is a good one @Italiangreyhound - it’s much easier to try and address the behaviour, much harder to see and address the needs but much more effective.

Hi everyone

Things are worse than ever here and I'm not coping. My LO is controlling and often rejecting and I'm not connecting with them at all. I can't see how things will ever get better and I'm so unhappy. My LO has taken to saying they don't love me and when I have to leave the room to cry they smirk. I find it very hard not to take it personally and it's very triggering for me.

Our SW has been off sick but we have a visit pencilled in for next week so I will talk to her then. I don't want to disrupt but I can't live my life like this. Trying to parent a child you don't love and struggle to connect with is so hard and it's making me miserable.

It is very hard, there’s no two ways about it and it’s very hard not to feel it’s purposeful and personal when that rejecting behaviour is so strong. The advice about trying to think of it as the child doing it in front of you rather than directed at you, is worth holding in mind. I suspect your little one would behave that way with anyone trying to offer nurture and care at this point in their life. That doesn’t make it easier to cope with.

Is there anything you like about them or feel kindly towards them (I don’t mean you’re being unkind at all but it’s hard to love someone who has learned to not be loved), with my DD I connected with her through music - she would sing from waking to sleeping and I love music so for a long time we’d sing in the car, it was literally the only easy interaction I had with her for months. If you can find the smallest thing you can connect with genuinely, do it, traumatised kids can spot fakeness a million miles away so the usual “fake it til you make it” doesn’t always work with our kids.

I would also watch my kids sleep - something about the utter vulnerability melted my heart and helped me pick up and go again the next day.

In terms of their behaviour triggering you, do you know what that trigger is related to? It would be really worth speaking to someone (counsellor/therapist) about what that is. Children trigger old trauma like nothing else - things I thought were resolved came roaring back and even now I notice something about them triggering stuff I’d forgotten about. I had a complete meltdown with my kids HT I’ve someone being unkind to my girl, came completely out of nowhere but triggered old feelings of being badly bullied at school, I literally hadn’t thought about it in over 30 years and it caught me wholly off guard. If you can recognise when your triggered (even if you don’t know what the trigger is) you can use different strategies to cope with that.

What time are you getting to recharge your batteries, this is very demanding work and you must have ways to regather you’re energies. Even if that means leaving little one in a safe space and getting a cup of tea or having someone watch him while you get out for a walk. How are your sleeping, eating, rest and exercise? How do you switch off from it all? Who do you talk to about the challenges, is there anyone who “gets” adoption where you can speak freely and without judgement?

I remember just how inadequate I felt in those early days, how out of my depth and how unhappy. It did get much better, but I needed to work on myself and my coping skills a lot which I know is hard when you’re emotionally and physically exhausted.

Hang in there, if there’s anything specific I can help with, drop me a message.