Please help me - struggling

[oodlesofpoodles7]

Hi all

We are two months into placement of our 3 year old LO and I'm so miserable and feel like the worst parent ever. I don't love my child and I've spent the past eight weeks faking it in the hopes I will make it but I'm just so drained and feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Then I feel guilty because everyone who has met LO absolutely loves them and thinks they are wonderful.

I feel irritated nearly all day long by LO. When LO clings to me I don't feel like a mum that wants to comfort their child. I feel annoyed and like I don't like them. I don't feel like I'm LO's parent, i feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child. I hate seeing other mum's with their kids when we are out because I feel it's so obvious I don't feel the way they do about their children. I feel like a fraud. I'm jealous of other mum's who simply love their kids. Why don't I feel that way??

I also feel immensely guilty all day long about everything. I feel guilt if LO has sweets... Conversely, I felt guilty tonight for not giving LO dessert because they had some sweets after lunch today. Whatever I do, I feel guilty.

I'm short tempered which isn't like me. I try my hardest to grit my teeth and stay calm but sometimes I snap when LO shouts at me or doesn't listen. I am sick to the back teeth of being told daily that LO is "not a baby" (this is often screamed at me) or that they are the boss, not me. LO has control issues and it's exhausting to deal with. It feels like whatever I do, it's wrong. I'm trying to parent therapeutically and then beat myself up if I do something not in step with the technique

I just need a hand hold and encouragement it will get better. I feel so sad that I'm so negative, I want to be a happy fun mummy and not this grouchy mess. I'm trying my best but I miss my old life and don't enjoy being around my child

My LO has taken to saying they don't love me and when I have to leave the room to cry they smirk.

It’s perfectly reasonable that they don’t love you, they’ve known you for 10 weeks, and you took them away from somewhere they felt safe. The idea that we love instantaneously is so very damaging because it sets unrealistic expectations. It’s also wholly reasonable that you don’t love them, it’s very early days yet and challenging days at that.

Try to set aside the expectation of love for now for both of you. Care, nurture, attention, relationship building are all massively important and from those actions, love grows.

The other day my daughter flopped down on the sofa and just casually cane out with “I love you guys”. Low key and heartfelt. At 10 weeks in she was constantly telling me she hated me, wanted to go back to her foster carers, never wanted a new family and especially not this one. It was utterly heartbreaking and I felt it keenly, thought my life would always be this fight, but it’s not. It took a good 9 months to settle, but it did. This is the start of a long road of healing for your little one, and as much as they want to push you away, they need you.

I can hear your anguish @oodlesofpoodles7 I wish I had the words to help. You mentioned “we”. How is your partner feeling? Are they supportive? What other support network do you have?

I completely get how hard it all is. I posted a lot over the past year as I too really struggled to cope (and still do at times).

I wish I had the words to support you but I’m not sure what to say. They are people with a lot of wisdom who might help (I know @Jellycatspyjamas has already posted).

I can't add much to the wise words above, but I remember noticing eventually that the hurtful behaviour / words came immediately after any slight softening or relaxing. Child was starting to like it here a tiny bit and as soon as they realised, they snapped right back into self-sabotage "I bet mum will stop being kind to me if I do THIS! Hmm, that didn't work, what about if I say a horrid thing? Hmm, what else can I try?"

They were just pushing and pushing and pushing to try and break the niceness, because the nice environment was so alien to them, they were constantly scared. It would be easier to break it on purpose and keep a feeling of control, than to learn to love and fear it might be taken away.

Sending lots of hugs. I remember my son telling me he wanted to go back to his FCs, that he didn’t love me, all sorts of things... it was HORRIBLE and after an exhausting adoption process and transition period I was at rock bottom with a traumatised toddler who hated me. He was testing me. I knew it at the time but it triggered all sorts of things in me and I couldn’t let it not affect me. If he told me it now I’d probably just nod along and say it’s okay to hate me sometimes (because it is). I’m secure in our attachment now and how much he adores me. But believe me 10 weeks in he really, really didn’t like me and was desperately trying to push me away and for me to go along with it as he couldn’t trust I wouldn’t leave him too. Six months in he’s still anxious about me leaving him but I’ve shown up every single time (emotionally) and we’ve made such progress. I wish I’d had a crystal ball back then so I could see the little boy he is now. And if I had one I’d pop it in the post to you.

This sort of parenting is all about getting closer when they try to push you away and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He doesn’t hate you, he hates the lack of control and the situation and the uncertainty. He’s doing everything in his power to make you prove he’s worthless. If you can hold steady he’ll stop pushing but it will probably take time... it took us about four months before he started to trust me.

@oodlesofpoodles7 I am so sorry it is so hard.

It is still very early days.

" My LO is controlling" I get how frustrating that is. We all try and control things and kids are no different. This is their way of making life feel safe. Did you read what I wrote about the fountain. The more your little one feels safe, the more they will stop trying to control everything. Can you say what it is she is doing?

" I'm not connecting with them at all." Can you say what you have done to help connect? Decorating cakes together, painting, water play, these may help.

"I can't see how things will ever get better and I'm so unhappy." Please can I suggest, in the nicest possible way that you go and see your GP? Post adoption depression is a real thing and it may be you are suffering from it. Do you get any time alone?> Does your other half take over for an afternoon and you get out for a walk or a long phone call with a friend etc? If so, how do you feel when you get this time alone or with friends?

"My LO has taken to saying they don't love me and when I have to leave the room to cry they smirk. I find it very hard not to take it personally and it's very triggering for me."

The child almost certainly doesn't understand this, they just know that they feel in control, IMHO. My birth dd did this with me when she was 3, she wanted me to leave the house. I just said I wasn't leaving and she out grew it. I know it is not the same with a birth child but it is hurtful.

My adopted son has been with us 6 years, he is a lovely boy but we have had our moments and it does get better.

"Trying to parent a child you don't love and struggle to connect with is so hard and it's making me miserable." I hear your pain, please ask for post adoption support and please do speak to your GP.

If it is not post adoption depression, you will have lost nothing by talking to the GP.

Sorry I said she, and you have not specified the sex of your child, I meant they.

The fact that you are having some moments of connection is massive. One day you will have more of those than hard times.

What you said about them being better off with FCs really struck me - that's how I felt for weeks. But no matter how much FCs love them, they can't offer the very important permanence and stability that you can. One day you will have a loving bond like they did.

I hope your SW can help, don't be afraid to be honest and get the help you need.

One thing that saved me in the early days was walking. Just strap them in the pushchair and walk as far as you can. Gives you come time to be in your own body and you can call someone, browse your phone, listen to music or a podcast at the same time. Also they might fall asleep.

How are you getting on OP?