What happens at 16?

[Rosebud2005]

Ds came to us age 7 but had always been clear he wants to meet back up with mum when he’s 16. I’ve been very aware lately we have just over a year to that date. I try and talk to dh about it but he’s just never as concerned about it as me. It will be his choice by then but what did your children do by that age? I can’t help sorry he might actually move. I’ve made it clear to him we’re his family and we want him to understand we’re not going to make him leave or anything. Could he? I think he’s happy, he always says he is but he does have personal things going on in his head which I’ve always tried so hard to talk to him about. Now age 14 (15 soon) he doesn’t talk about anything and gets stroppy if I even ask these days. He always opened up to me. I’d hate to think he feels the need to not be here.

It is common for children to have a desire to be wanted by their birth parents. The feeling of not being wanted, loved or somehow at fault for them leaving stays with most children even when they are adults. Even when they are old enough to understand that it wasn't in anyway their fault or anything they did, the desire to be accepted by birth parents stays with them always.

It is important to understand he isn't looking to replace you and it isn't anything you have done. I have seen it many times, it is a burning desire and they simply can't help it. My partners father left pretty much at birth and every few years she forgives everything, gives him another chance to be in her life, he disappears after a few weeks and I pick up the pieces. She swears she will let him in again, but in a few years time she will once again convince herself he has changed.

Seeing birth parents isn't all rosy, it is normally a very difficult process. Whilst it starts off as a happy reunion your son will quickly want to know why mum left him, why she didn't fight for him, does she love him, did she ever love him, did he do something wrong, has she looked for him, why hasn't she sent presents or written and could she have done more.

He is going to go looking for them and he can either do it sneakily or with your support. He is probably going to need a lot of help with it, because parents can rarely give good reasons for all of those questions and the reality is difficult to deal with. He needs you more than ever and if you are there for him it will bring you closer together, if you aren't it will push him further towards her.

I think that @tacca makes very good points. Do you think that a part of your fear and dread is the normal parent fear and dread of their beloved children flying the nest?

My advice would be to:

• focus on your relationship with him for what it is without assuming everything problematic is linked to bio parents, and maybe read some books about parenting teenagers to help you understand him and to communicate with him in the best way and to continue to parent him well appropriate to his age - and to move the relationship between you gradually to an adult (child/parent) relationship. There is a great Dan Siegel video about teenagers which I could link by the way, very insightful;

• and at the same time think about how you can facilitate and be involved with him navigating his discovery and relationship with his birth parents as a young adult as pp said. I would say that it would be best to start doing it now rather than wait until 16 but I am very biased towards as much contact with bio family as possible. If he is not wanting to engage with you much about it, is it possible he has already made contact and he is keeping it from you because he is worried or afraid?

Sit down and think about why he would or might want to live with his birth parents to try to challenge your own thinking and fear about this. Is it really likely? Why would it happen? Would it be him escaping or him wanting to discover? If it happened would it last? What would your role be? At 16 he would definitely still benefit from an appropriate level of parental input and support.

wanting to meet her is a long way off wanting to go off and live with her. Does he actually talk about it now or is it something he said when he was younger?

My son came to me at 7 and turned 16 in July. In the early days he talked about her a lot, less so as he got older. We had theraputic life story work from about 12 to 13/14 after which he expressed a strong wish to meet her. Social services were not supportive so we left it.

Earlier this summer I gave him his later life letter and we talked about whether he wanted to get in touch. We found her on facebook. At the moment he no longer wants to get in touch so its parked.
Is 16 significant because you are in Scotland or thats the time that he mentioned?
I wouldnt assume that he will go looking. Does he have the information he would need to go looking. But it is natural that he would be curious and might want to establish contact. But it really isnt a given. Even if he did want to make contact, he may well be satisfied with a one off meeting.
Don’t forget that he is a teenage boy and they are strange and mysterious humanoids. I have a very strong relationship with my son, I’m confident that if there is something bothering him, he will come to me, in his own time. Meanwhile, back in everyday teen world he won’t be seen within 6 feet in public with me and tells me to mind my own business if he ask him the most mundane question.

at the moment I’d focus on your own relationship with him. You might want to think about some life story work if you think he would be receptive. Unless you have reason to think he may be looking for her now, I’d be inclined to let him come to you

My son in law had a letter from his birth mum saying that she hoped they'd meet when he was 18. He wasn't remotely interested in her and wanted nothing to do with her. Why does your son want to meet her?

I think 18 is the age things officially change rather than 16 (e.g. ability to take over own contact letters, see files independently etc)
I would try to get him to at least wait until after GCSEs as emotional upset during y11 could completely throw him off.

Thanks for all your replies, they’ve been very helpful. We never actually had any life work done. His Aw insisted he knew about his life and understood what went on. Which frustrates me so much as he was 7! Yes he still remembers but he was far too young to comprehend why things happened like they did. We too have the latter life letter to be given. I don’t really know the best time to give him it to be honest. I feel it needs to be before he’s 16 - particularly if he follows through on his ideas. We will always support him no matter what happens and have told him this always. I’ve always explained that we hope things go well for him whatever decisions he makes but that people change over the years. Not to be too expectant of things to be ok, it won’t be just a case of turning up one day as we need to go the proper channels. He’s 14 now and to be honest no he doesn’t openly mention it anymore or even talk about mum but when I asked him and reassured him he’s here to stay he said he wants to. I’m worried for him in many ways as we’ve only been able to give him information we’re allowed to give hums he doesn’t know the full picture and I’m scared it will break him as it’s not going to be an easy thing to hear. It’s up to her to tell him but I dread him perhaps resenting us keeping things from him when we’ve always been so honest about everything we can with him. Yes probably I do have a dear of him ‘flying the nest.’ He wouldn’t be the first teen in our family to but I’ve only had him since he was 7 and it just seems to be coming around so soon. Obviously all I ever want is his happiness and I would never dream of getting in his way but part of me just hopes he will feel he wants to be with the family who love him so much. He will decide whatever he decides and we will go with it. I definitely encourage him to wait til after his exams. Right now my biggest concern is trying to find a way to talk to him without being knocked back, ignored, him being stroppy and full of attitude. sometimes I forget how to actually do the therapeutic thing when things just don’t change or he doesn’t move or so something I’m simply asking him to do. When he’s cheery he’s sooo cheery. x

I’m worried for him in many ways as we’ve only been able to give him information we’re allowed to give hums he doesn’t know the full picture

This really jumped out at me. I’m not sure what you mean when you say you’re only allowed to give him certain information? Who has said you can’t tell him all of the information you have about his birth family and his early years?

Unless there are very specific safeguarding concerns, it’s so important he knows everything you do, at a time and in a way her can process. Even if there are safeguarding concerns, there are ways to talk to him about his early years, his birth family and his adoption, and it’s important for him that someone does that. I’m sorry, but you’ve been very badly advised on that.

Life story work can be a therapeutic process, a specific piece of work or can be age appropriate discussions that happen throughout the child’s life where time is given to help them understand their history and to help them make sense if it. The later life letter is part of that but really by the time he gets that, he should know everything it contains, by which I mean there should be no surprises. I think you’re right to be concerned that at 7 he would have very limited understanding of his life story, have you been talking to him about his life over the years or was it left that he knew and there were things you couldn’t tell him? Do you know what he thinks happened that he came to be adopted?

It may be that he has a natural curiosity, especially if there’s information you’ve been told you can give him. He’ll want to fill the gaps and contact with his birth family is one way of doing that. I’d make sure that as far as possible (ie within everything you know) that there aren’t any surprises for him because that would be awful for him.

It may be worth looking for a therapist or SW who can do therapeutic life story work with him, especially if there are parts of his story he doesn’t know yet. It’s not for them to fill the gaps (that’s between you and him), but will be able to help him process all you need to tell him. You can still access post adoption support even though he’s older, I’d be asking them for access to life story work.

He may still want contact with his birth family, but at least he’ll go into it knowing the full picture.

Oh no I’ve spoke to him lots regarding what we basically know and have been permitted to tell him. I didn’t tell him we’re not allowed to tell him as obviously that would plant the seed of doubt. Even the letter doesn’t mention the full story of what happened that caused her problems which led to him being finally adopted. Aw was clear it’s up to mum as it was a distressing time for her, basically to do with his birth.
He always knew she had problems l, he always talked about it and was always really worried she was on her own while he’s being looked after. It took a long time to reassure him she’s being looked after too and that him being here gives her the chance to change herself, nothing she ever did was ever his fault. However he naturally believed it was. We’ve always talked about his half siblings - who he has a great relationship and they are much older from her marriage before him. That’s the sticky point I feel. We have maintained a good relationship worth them but I don’t want that to somehow lead our decisions regarding our sons care and what we do. We’re the parents.
So schools we actually be making the decision to tell him ourselves before her then or could we get in trouble for that?

I also don't understand why there is info you know that you believe you aren't allowed to share? As far as I am concerned anything we know is fair game for us to tell as and when we think appropriate.

We were told we can’t

If it pertains to him and the circumstances of his adoption you can and should, in an age appropriate way tell him. You are his parents and he should get that information from you - his social worker was wrong. If you think it would help him make sense of his story you should tell him.

For example if she had a traumatic birth or the circumstances of his conception meant she couldn’t bond with him, he need to know. If it’s about something person to her eg she was abused as a child I’d not give details, because that is hers and may not be something she shares with any of her children but I would explain she had a difficult childhood herself.

I know how sensitive these thing are - I have some very difficult conversations of my own to have with my D.C. but it’s not fair to tell you what you can and can’t share if it might give context for your child. Feel free to pm me if you want to check anything out but don’t want it public. I can’t help feel you’ve had one hand tied by what your SW said all those years ago.

Who told you and what do you think would happen if you did tell him.

You are the parent , its up to you to help him figure this all out. There is only one piece of information I have with held from my son because quite frankly its too horrific and it doesnt add to his understanding.

So here is a scenario. The information you have is medical information which the SW decided was birth mums to tell.

So you don’t have to say that birth mum had X, just that she was very sick.
What would happen if she were to die before they met, or less dramatically she doesnt want to meet him - should your soon be left in the dark forever?
Don’t forget that at 18 your son can request his files. There is always the chance that there will be information you didnt know, but personally I wouldnt like to be in the position of my son asking me why I didnt tell him stuff I knew.
You make the decision for your child.

Well his mum was attacked which his how he came into the world. Something which I wouldn’t like you say be this horrific shock when - or if she even decides to tell him. Yes he will find out himself one day I imagine so I’d rather at least try lessen the blow if we can. He’s at an age where he already worries about things in his own head and with the hormones etc he’s up and down. How would I tell him if I had to? The sw was specific that we weren’t to tell that part, that it’s mums personal life and too traumatic for her. How traumatic is he going to find it?

I think the SW was wrong.

It is part of his lifestory that the reason his BM couldn't keep him was because she was raped. Otherwise why does he think he was adopted?

It is a massive thing for him to deal with and it would need careful handling, but actually I do think he has a right to know.

Have you ever gone back to the SWs and asked them again? I fear you have had your hands tied by the view of one SW when others could well disagree.

Ok I get the picture. That’s a piece of information that is quite critical to him, does he never ask sbout his birth father?

I think you should look into theraputic life story work. This was a game changer for us. It was a vehicle in which difficult information could be delivered. Its very much a process of the therapist gaining the child’s trust and the giving of information a gradual development of understanding in context. So its not just a bald statement of fact.
Its also helpful in that the delivery of information is not associated with you in the child’s mind, its coming from a neutral person.
Yes it will be traumatic for him, which is why it should be done in a theraputic environment.

I’ve always felt both his link worker and our own sw were a bit too authoritive towards us in terms of this along with just general things they said should happen when we wanted other things to happen as his parents and how we said we would expect to parent our child. To be honest we did just go along with it at the time, you think they’re the experts right? Anyway when he was younger he would talk about her constantly and get really upset saying how much He misses her, wanted why she didn’t try and so more to keep him. She had several chances and he was passed to and fro to foster carers. His mind must have been so messed up. I always explained that his mum sent him to us to be taken care of because she couldn’t. She had her problems before he was born and sometimes things happen in life that mean some people just don’t feel they can cope with the responsibility of caring for someone when they can’t look after themselves. He came to be kept safe and grow into a healthy happy person as the situation he was in wasn’t safe. I’ve always been mindful not to be negative towards mum but at the same tried to explain the issues son he would understand she didn’t do enough to improve things. I didn’t want him having this rosy image but he always seems to have had no matter what I said. He’s never even called us mum and dad. We’ve always been first names to him. That was ok for a while as we didn’t put the pressure on him to say mum and dad but made sure he knew that’s who we will always be. He’s always round they hard and I don’t know why. But as I day I feel sw input at the beginning has made us nervous about some things and it really has always irritated me.

So sorry about the amount of typos there, I’m on my phone

I would have been broken-hearted if mine hadn't called me Mum (eldest was 7 when placed). I think you have been severely let down.

It’s not been easy x

The other thing you need to consider here is the birth mum’s reaction, in the event, and I emphasis that its not a given that he will, should he contact her.

Her reasons for not keeping him are perfectly understandable, but in those circumstances she may well not want to see him.
If your son is expecting her to welcome him with open arms he could be in for a whole heap of rejection.

I think its imperative that you contact post adoption and get some theraputic life story work done with him.

It won’t be easy, its one of the hardest things I’ve been through with my son but it was worth it.

No he probably won’t want to engage, my son didnt, but a skilled worker will build up the trust - we spent several months talking about football and FI, with very little actual work done, just gradually pushing his boundaries

Hi yeah I know, I’ve warned him about the fact that she may not feel that way come the time

But he needs to understand why

I agree.

I'm another that says he has a right to know, and when it is something a crucial and difficult as being the result of rape, getting professional support to tell him and work through it.

He needs to be able to understand the context, and know that you are not hiding anything.

I had to think through the boundaries with my daughters as I was aware of some of their first mum's medical history - in the end decided to tell them because I think it was relevant to understand what might have affected her in the run up to them being taken into care. Therefore it was relevant to her relationship with them. Knowing that she was dealing - without much support - with the diagnosis of a significant medical condition provides context to the choices she made that led to them being taken into care.

Yes, her privacy needs to be respected, but there is an area where this has to be balanced against a child's need to know their own story.

Hi @Rosebud2005

I am an adult adoptee and I wanted to come on to provide another perspective on your son's situation and the ways you may find yourself supporting him if he seeks contact with his BM.

I will try to keep the background brief.

I was in a closed adoption as a baby - so a different experience to your son - but had been in contact with birth parent. The reunion wasn't positive and I made the decision to end contact. In seeking support, I have come across others who were adopted as children, so nearer in age to your son, who searched and found their parents in adulthood. Their stories prior to adoption are very much closer to what your son will have gone through - parents in challenging circumstances with the involvement of social services to remove them/period of time in foster care.

What jumped out at me from your posts is that your son already has felt guilty that he was looked after but he believes she wasn't.

This is red flag and something I would advise you to seek very specific advice on prior to any reunion.

Your son may find he meets his birth mother and the relationship is not healthy for him for various reasons - either she's not in the right place or he isn't. He may feel HE wants to pause or terminate contact after he meets her - the guilt around doing this to a birth parent (even I had it, and I'd never even met my BP in person, it was all over email) should not be under-estimated. It is something the others I mentioned above who have shared their stories with me experienced to an even greater degree since they had lived with the parent for a bit. Some stated their guilt was amplified by people around their BP involved in supporting them (family, officialdom.) I have had that a bit too with an extended family member of my BP.

It's one thing to go through this as an adult - I cannot even imagine trying to navigate these complicated emotions as a 16 year old especially if the birth mother is genuinely unwell/needy herself. I am imagining that her story is more complicated than you've shared here. To be confronted by a desperately needy birth parent who may feel that reunion is the answer to all things that have been wrong in their life is overwhelming.

You are worried that your son will want to upsticks and renew his relationship with his birth mum but what I am saying is that you may well find yourself providing an entirely different type of support -helping him let go as an adult. In this scenario, he would feel like the 'rejector'. Is he ready for that, in a year's time?

It might be possible they can navigate something that is healthy for both of them over time. But I suspect it will take time and that this sort of process is best embarked on when he's a bit older and having done the sort of counselling others on this thread have mentioned.