What happens at 16?

[Rosebud2005]

Ds came to us age 7 but had always been clear he wants to meet back up with mum when he’s 16. I’ve been very aware lately we have just over a year to that date. I try and talk to dh about it but he’s just never as concerned about it as me. It will be his choice by then but what did your children do by that age? I can’t help sorry he might actually move. I’ve made it clear to him we’re his family and we want him to understand we’re not going to make him leave or anything. Could he? I think he’s happy, he always says he is but he does have personal things going on in his head which I’ve always tried so hard to talk to him about. Now age 14 (15 soon) he doesn’t talk about anything and gets stroppy if I even ask these days. He always opened up to me. I’d hate to think he feels the need to not be here.

Hi Ovienna

Thank you so much for that. You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. It really does help to hear the perspective of someone who’s already been there. I’m sorry you didn’t get the positive outcome yourself, that couldn’t have been easy for you at all.

You make so much sense in what you said regarding how his mum may still be. We write to each other a few times a year, it’s always brief but seems positive enough. She has mentioned that she’s now started up her own help group which hopefully is helping her too. He has too older half sisters who we have a great relationship and have managed to let them in more as it’s definitely been beneficial to my son. One has never spoke to mum since adoption and the other one has. They live nowhere near. We are told by the sister that she’s doing well and keeping herself busy.. the stupid thing is I feel we’ve let things go too much in the sense that we don’t allow ourselves to ask specific questions about how she’s doing and that’s clearly something we need to know. You mention family amplifying the emotions of meeting her, that’s what I worry about also. I don’t want the sisters to feel it’s their place to interfere with any of this. Not sure if they would as they do seem to get it - and one works in psychology sominwiuks hope she understands whatever we decide.
My son since coming here has always had this image of them meeting again one day like I said earlier but yes I worry it won’t be like he thinks it will. He always did worry about her but these days being a teenager doesn’t mention so much so I take it at his pace, if he mentions it then we will. I can’t really tell if it’s a teen thing or he just isn’t interested anymore to be honest but when I brought it up recently he did say he still wants to see her. I would much rather wait til he’s older and more able to deal with these emotional changes as no I don’t think he’s ready to take all that on yet. She may have improved, but to what extent? She has a drink problem snd she may have given up, we don’t know for sure but being an addict is always there. The temptation is always there for a lot of people. I don’t want him thinking it’s his problem to look after her. If he needs to let go at any time he shouldn’t feel bad or guilty even though I can’t imagine how hard that would be for him. Thanks, definitely need to arrange some kind of family work or something that might be better at explaining these things than we would. X

Hi Rosebud. Your son has been with you 8 years- that is a lifetime for a child. It can be a blink of an eye for an adult and not long at all, to grapple with big personal issues like she has faced. This is the imbalance your son is facing with his BM. You know? Especially if there are other family members around, like you say his sisters, who may feel they are stakeholders in what your brother decides to do I would tread very, very carefully indeed. Be there to discuss it, get some good therapy. I would not initiate anything yourself in terms if taking active steps to reunion for now.

Also: do not neglect yourself here. Is there someone you can also speak to, professionally ideally, and as and when you need it?

The sisters might not set out to be disruptive- I dont think the extended family member I have dealt with means to be, for example. It more that it is an added layer of complexity for your son. It would be ideal if he could do this when he is on a place where he trusts his judgement and emotions to do the right thing for him. That might be now but it is a big ask for a 16 year old.

And I meant "their brother" not "your brother "

My husband and I really don’t agree on a lot of this, but that’s another story. He’s not the worrying type! He always has the opinion that it’s his life, we can’t force him/stop him, get involved etc sorry but we’re his parents and nobody would try to control him but we have to help him work out what is right don’t we? How to prepare him for the road ahead and this is what bothers me so much. We should be able to discuss these things for our son and he literally doesn’t believe there are any problems. We will deal with it when it happens is his motto. I want to deal with things now to prepare him for what may lie ahead x

That's interesting about your husband.

I'll say a little more about my experience of my adoptive mum in the process in case there is anything that gives you food for thought.

I mean - I am ancient. Reunion brought me right back to childhood, it was as if I'd regressed to about 15.

My (adoptive) mother encouraged me to do the Ancestry test. She felt that if I left it that much later it might be the case that I regretted it, wasn't able to find anyone to connect to. She also made the statement that 'biology is different from adopted', which was interesting. She didn't mean that though - I knew she didn't and that she'd be uptight if I did connect which is a whole different story but NOT the reason in and of itself I am not currently in touch with this BP. But her encouragement possibly prompted something I wouldn't have done otherwise or precisely at this time.

What I am coming to is that it's hard to get the balance exactly right as an adoptive parent. I'd be inclined not to mention it again, until your son does, which it sounds like your husband is saying. This is because your son needs to take things at his pace - it's a very personal thing. He'll tell you what he needs to about it, the important thing is to keep the door open so he keeps talking to you. I am not suggesting stand by passively if he starts to take action but maybe wait until it does. It's not easy, I know.

My BP was in contact with my mum and said some unfortunate things but the hardest part for my mum has been watching me overwhelmed/upset but not sure how to make it better. She couldn't really be a neutral sounding board; there was too much emotion for her, which I understood. Don't beat yourself up if you feel this way too.

My feeling is the therapy is worthwhile for his own well-being, not just in preparation for a reunion, although it will make him stronger for that, if he does decide to go down that route. It sounds like he is more likely to than not - I think your husband may have his head in the sand a bit tbh - so it is worth preparing. But maybe approach the therapy from a slightly different angle. Wellbeing not only reunion.

Does that make sense at all?

Yes it does make sense thank you. Though when you say wait til he mentions it do I wait til then to organise life work?

No do the lifework. The others will know more about that than I will. I mean don't take steps to orchestrate a reunion. I think lifework is more general therapy?

Ok thank you, you’ve been a great help. As have you all. X 😊

As I understand it, life work is knowing and understanding what happened and why, and being able to cope with it emotionally.

E.g. (not my DD's story, made up), BM was in and out of care and did not have a stable, supportive childhood. Got into a relationship where there was domestic violence, and quickly became pregnant. Was abusing alcohol to some extent. SWs were concerned, XYZ support offered but ABC continued to happen. Recorded that baby had unexplained injuries/was not developing etc reasons why the child was taken into care for XYZ reasons, and reasons why decision to place for adoption (what else was considered?)

The facts as they are known, possible reasons for choices/actions of birth parents, and exploring the impact of that on the child concerned.

Children often fill in the gaps by blaming themselves, or creating a fantasy of a missing parent. The aim is to avoid either of those pitfalls by providing information and emotional support.

Bear in mind it can take a long time to get any therapy sorted.
I assume you would be applying to the Adoption Support Fund to fund it.

It took me nearly a year from the request for an assessment of need, application to the ASF and then getting a slot to start with the therapist.

For us life story work was about him understanding how he got where he did, and that means understanding his birth parents stories. Its much more than a retelling of facts and events. It wasn’t about preparing him for a reunion specfically but a deeper understanding will help then with those decisions.

@Ted that sounds very worthwhile indeed.

The whole story is on file which he can see whenever that time comes but the later life letter misses the main bit out. Why? Why so admanant we don’t get to tell him? He can see that file and get it all there so I just don’t get it

It’s a very difficult thing to write in a later life letter, I wouldn’t necessarily expect that to be in there simply because some folk share the later life letter at a fairly young age eg 12, 13 and I’m not sure at that age there’s a way to phrase that kind of information sensitively.

There will be bits that aren’t included in the later life letter that you’ll still talk to your child about - I’m not sure it’s the place for information that’s so very sensitive.

I agree with jellycats that the later life letter isnt meant to contain all the information.

I really think you need to let go of this issue about not being ‘allowed’ to tell him certain information.
Nothing is going to happen if you tell him, that social worker may not even be there anymore.
Let it go and make the best decisions for your child

@OVienna

yes it was the best thing we could have done. It was very hard, emotional and often traumatic but it had a profound impact on him. He came out of it a very mature young man with a real sense of who he is and what he wants from life. I think its helped him break free of the past, not that it is forgotton or that he still isnt troubled by some things, but that he is his own person, that its up to him to make his own future and that future can be good.

@Ted27 I am so impressed by you, seriously. You sound an incredible thoughtful mum, profoundly sensitive and thoughtful. What you've described is exactly what an adopted child needs.

OP: hang in there. I feel like a visitor from almost the Victorian era relative to where your son is. If there is a small but if something that helps, that is great You come across as loving and brave. Wish you all the very best.

Sorry for the typos!

@OVienna
you are very kind

it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, much more traumatic for him but it really was the making of him

I think that given all your updates I think the most important and immediate need to as per pp's suggestion about getting some professional help with life story work – finding someone who can provide the sort of extensive help ted27 has referred to – have you been able to make headway with this, and if not do you know how to get recommendations about someone good? Are you able to do it privately to save time?

I am an adult adoptee and I think that experiences with bio family vary hugely. Most of the adult adoptees I know who have made contact did so when teenagers and have managed to maintain relationships with boundaries. Some have not made any contact at all. There are many potential scenarios which you and your ds need to consider about what may happen. I have read accounts on here about how sometimes the bio mother does not want a relationship and how hurtful and confusing that is and given the circumstances you have described I would try to prepare for that happening to your ds just in case, as well as preparing for the eventuality of the other potential scenarios. Also be aware that as with all relationships, things can naturally change over time, relationships can ebb and flow, new shades of grey can emerge.

I do feel quite strongly that because your ds was quite old when he was adopted and he has made it clear to you more than making contact is of great importance to him, then you should be taking action now to help prepare him – the professional life story work will help and I think that you should seek professional help to help you understand your role and how you can best act to prepare your ds as much of what you have said sounds very confused and that you could do with some professional guidance about how to tackle things.

Do you have written details about the attack or are you relying on memory of verbal discussions? Do you know whether it was a stranger or someone she knew?

A good life story therapist will be aware of all the issues, hopefully, and also aware that there are limitations to life story work, partly because there there may be gaps in/incomplete information available.

In relation to your ds feeling responsible, I am guessing that this was when he was a bit younger – it is common for children to feel like this and it sounds as though you reassured him, which is really good. As children get older they understand more about personal responsibility though may still feel guilt and the life story work may well help with this. I don't think red flags are relevant (this was a concern expressed by a pp) because the feelings are coming from the child, not being manipulated by the birth mother – as there is no contact.

@sassygromit

In relation to your ds feeling responsible, I am guessing that this was when he was a bit younger – it is common for children to feel like this and it sounds as though you reassured him, which is really good. As children get older they understand more about personal responsibility though may still feel guilt and the life story work may well help with this. I don't think red flags are relevant (this was a concern expressed by a pp) because the feelings are coming from the child, not being manipulated by the birth mother – as there is no contact.

Coming back onto your response to the 'red flags' I raised being irrelevant.

It's difficult to know where to start with this, but I am going to try.

The point, Sassy, and what is actually the 'red flag' here is that the child is ALREADY feeling guilty and hasn't had any contact with this parent for some time. That there is a strong potential, depending on the state of mind and circumstances of the birth parent at the time, this can escalate quickly into something that is deeply unhealthy for the child and hard to extract themselves from both in a practical sense and emotionally.

I am not surprise you're reluctant to acknowledge this is possible. It's very much not in line with the current 'script' on adoptee contact with birth family and those whose experiences are out of line with that don't get much of a hearing/are reluctant to tell their stories. There seems to be lots of support for adoptees rejected by their birth families but next to none for those whose search brought them to a point where they realised that contact wasn't in their best interests - maybe not forever but at the time. But also maybe forever. Given the very challenging circumstances that most current children come to their adoptive families from, the fact this might be a possible outcome should be a surprise to absolutely no one. Dismissing/minimising this as a possibility is helpful to no one.

As children get older they understand more about personal responsibility though may still feel guilt and the life story work may well help with this.

Nice theory, sounds like that is just how it would/should work, doesn't it? The trouble is, emotions are rarely that straightforward. "Still feel guilt" might be an understatement for some children. I think this is a very blithe approach to this situation.

It may be inevitable that the OP's son reaches out; I didn't say that this wasn't something she shouldn't prepare for. The lifestory work sounds valuable regardless of what he decides to do.

I did say she shouldn't initiate contact until he does - and I still maintain this. It's an important measure of his own emotional readiness and also part of the process of regaining control of one's own life path. Someone else driving the pace of things isn't helping - it can be just another means of inserting themselves into a life step that isn't theirs to decide. Most adoptees feel they've had enough of that, by the time they start to search.

@ovienna I think we are talking about different "red flags". I thought you were referring to manipulation by the bio mother. I see now that you didn't mean that.

The point, Sassy, and what is actually the 'red flag' here is that the child is ALREADY feeling guilty and hasn't had any contact with this parent for some time. That there is a strong potential, depending on the state of mind and circumstances of the birth parent at the time, this can escalate quickly into something that is deeply unhealthy for the child and hard to extract themselves from both in a practical sense and emotionally I was adopted as an older child from neglect and I also experienced what the OP's dc has experienced, guilt and responsibility - in fact I didn't sleep properly for ten years because of it (so, no, I wasn't minimising or being blithe) - my recommendation was based on my experience

I am not surprise you're reluctant to acknowledge this is possible it is possible.

There seems to be lots of support for adoptees rejected by their birth families but next to none for those whose search brought them to a point where they realised that contact wasn't in their best interests firstly I am sorry about your difficult experiences, and I did understand your point fully. I was simply saying that there are other experiences out there. I think that there is zero decent support overall - it doesn't matter how it end and I think that the reason for this is that there is not enough research and guidance on it.

Given the very challenging circumstances that most current children come to their adoptive families from, the fact this might be a possible outcome should be a surprise to absolutely no one. Dismissing/minimising this as a possibility is helpful to no one I didn't dismiss it or minimise it. I came from challenging circumstances and was adopted as an older child, as did other adoptees I know, and some of us have good relationships with bio family and some don't. My point was that there are many different potential scenarios and the OP needs to be prepared for them all - including yours - including mine.

My key point was that I would be worried in this particular situation about the bio mother rejecting the OP's son because he was conceived by rape and that that was the reason for the adoption.

The fact that you and I are both adoptees of around the same age with very different experiences is an illustration of the point I was making - it is impossible to second guess here.

I absolutely validate and do not minimise your experiences.