I don't know if my placement is working out

[mahrezzy]

I think I'm posting this because I need to be told to keep going. To be told it's going to get better.

My son has had a rocky start to our placement. It's been eight weeks so I know it's still very, very early days, but sometimes it feels like it's getting worse not better.

He grieved his foster carers deeply at the start. He howled for them and wouldn't let me physically comfort him. Even now, sometimes, he won't let me touch him if he's upset with me but those moments are few and far between. His grief has settled but he misses them still (and I expect he will for a long time). He told me today he's sad because he misses them (he's very verbal for his two years and we've done lots of work on feelings since he's been home).

He's very clingy and I have to prepare him for me to leave the room with 10 minute then 5 minute then 1 minute cues. He's defiant and has very selective hearing. He's always been a good eater but is now starting to get controlling with food, telling me he doesn't want something and then screaming if I take it away.

I know a lot of it is terrible twos. I know I shouldn't take it personally. It's very difficult.

He's always been very clingy at bedtime. It would take his foster carers hours to put him to bed at night. I manage easily but he will try his luck every evening, asking for cuddles and more stories. I'm very firm and stick to the same routine every evening.

Tonight I was so sad and disheartened about his behaviour that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kiss him, tell him I love him, read him his favourite stories. So I just put him in his bed, said goodnight and walked out of his room. He didn't react at all, he doesn't seem to care. This hurts more than anything as I've always felt so bonded to him during our bedtime routine.

I can't see straight. I'm so upset. All my adoption friends (everyone who I've met on the way) have had such easy rides of it. Nobody else is experiencing anything like this or if they are they're not admitting it.

Will this get better? Are his attachment issues too deep for me? Is he a psychopath?! I'm starting to develop strong feelings towards him and the more I do the more devastated I feel.

I'm a good mother. I know I am. I'm doing everything as well as I can and my social worker agrees I'm managing to therapuetically parent and be more than good enough. But it doesn't seem enough.

I'm so sad.

I think that it would be a good idea to go into his room now, cuddle him and read him stories and tell him you love him. The fact that he didn't react when you walked out does not mean he didn't feel anything - you really mustn't test him to see how he reacts. Can you do that now?

Please do keep at it. What is important is that you continue to get to know him and his needs and build your relationship and your connection.

Children will not give you the reciprocity you would get from a good adult relationship. No child will or should be expected to meet an adult's emotional needs. At this age it may feel very one sided. This is what parenting is about. But over time you do get the reciprocity and you will feel their love and the relationship is very worth it.

It might be worth reading Penelope Leach's Your Child Years 0-5 (not the exact name) as she gives insights into what is going on in the child's mind at different ages. It will help you read his emotions as chances are they are being expressed in ways you aren't expecting.

In relation to the foster carers, give him time to love you as much or better. NB many children declare more love for one parent over another or another person - it doesn't mean they do love that parent or other more. Also, if he is telling you the truth about how he feels that is a really good sign.

@sassygromit I just went on Amazon to buy that book and it's £82! It must be good! :D First proper laugh I've had today. I'll hunt a copy down.

I read your message and went straight upstairs. He was fast asleep, in the exact position I'd left him in. He must have fallen asleep instantly which made me feel a bit better - maybe he was exhausted, hence the particularly tricky behaviour today. I wasn't consciously testing him - I've been on the verge of tears all day and knew I'd start sobbing during one of his stories and didn't want to do that - but I think deep down I probably was. I feel really shit about it. It's not fair. He's two and he's had a troubled early life.

Your message really helped. Thank you. I needed to hear a lot of that x

(just got a copy on eBay for a fiver!)

I just went on Amazon to buy that book and it's £82! It must be good! :D
lol - i am glad you hunted down a more reasonably priced one!

If you give him a kiss and tell him you love him now, you'll appear in his dreams saying that maybe (You probably did that anyway!)

You are doing brilliantly. Give yourself completely over to loving him and meeting his needs, both physically and emotionally. Ride it through and show him you are there for the long haul. He is testing you. Will you stick with him, this is what he needs to know. Treat him in many ways like he is a baby and you need to become attuned to him. Get support form your adoption agency. You can do this.

you could even (shock, horror, don’t tell the social workers) put him in your own bed or bedroom
I meant also to say - I saw on the other thread - since having dc the toilet door stays open when I am on the toilet - and they come in and out as they please!

Re food I agree with this too. I was a total softy - I created various concoctions to meet their culinary demands and my nutritional desires - such a cake with ground almonds and honey instead of sugar in it which was a staple for a bit - and as they have grown they are not fussy eaters.

Please try not to compare yourself to other adopters, you are in a uniquely difficult situation by having placement during lockdown and with all the uncertainty at the start. You are doing brilliantly. It's still early days but it sounds like he already trusts you enough to test your boundaries! Some of it will be terrible twos. It sounds very difficult so be kind to yourself (and him!), It will get easier and one day you'll be able to look back on this as a story to tell.

I've been there with the crying during bedtime. Our LO has a bedtime song and I've cried during it more than once! The fact that you usually feel bonded during bedtime, even after just 8 weeks, is a brilliant sign.

It's good that he was so deeply attached to foster carers in a way as it shows he can build strong attachments and will with you, given time.

My advice is: take a Home Holiday like Sally Donovan. Microwave meals (if he'll eat them, Annabel karmel is on offer at Morrisons), paper plates (no washing up!) Get lots of wine and chocolate in. Is there anyone you can meet up with? It might be worth contacting your social worker too, we did during a low week and and were referred to a theraplay thing, even though it's all on zoom (ew) but it's been really helpful and improved our confidence and attachments to each other.

Hang in there, we're always here!

@mahrezzy

You've said it all yourself, its early days, he's grieving, you're a great mum.
But you are still learning, and so is he, about each other, about how its going to work on a day to day level. I think it was a good 7 or 8 months in before I felt we had a our new normal. 8 years along I'm still learning, because now I'm trying to suss out a young adult.
Every parent gets it wrong sometimes, and sometimes they push you. There are many times when I've struggled to tell my son I love him, to give him that kiss at bedtime, many a time I've read bedtime story through gritted teeth. And sometimes I couldnt do it.
You have the added pressure of lockdown, without access to many of the things that make life easier. I used to spend hours in coffee shops, just to have other people around me. We had swimming lessons, playgrounds and places to visit. Hopefully as the restrictions are lifted you can get out more.
You sound like you are a single adopter, so more pressure doing it on your own. Cut yourself some slack, no you aren't the perfect mum, don't expect yourself to be the perfect mum. You don't have to be, none of us are, you be the best you can be and thats good enough.
My son is 16 now, we have some interesting conversations now about the early days. He never mentions the times I yelled, stropped off, he remembers the fun stuff (and the cake!)
Tomorrow is a new day, tell him you're sorry you were a grumpy mummy yesterday but you are going to have a fun day today.

Sounds like you hit a real low, understandably, but hang in there - you can do this

I remember having a similar age newly-placed child who couldn't bear me leaving the room. Although it was suffocating, I tried putting a few of their toys in every single room - wherever I went, they were welcome to come too and each time I reminded them they had toys in the room, nowhere was out of bounds. I think it helped a bit for them to start to feel safe in the new space.

(I've said this before but an adorable photo on the outside of their bedroom door can be excellent for pausing, taking a deep breath and remembering the amazing child underneath their fear/pain...before you tackle bedtime or night disruptions.)

He's very clingy and I have to prepare him for me to leave the room with 10 minute then 5 minute then 1 minute cues. He's defiant and has very selective hearing.

That’s a very very hard stage - my two were a bit older than yours but I remember very well not being able to cross the room without a chorus of “where are you going, why, what are you doing, why, can I come too” - I mean I’d literally go from the hob to the fridge, feeling smothered doesn’t even begin to touch it. It’s not the first time I’ve had to walk away at bedtime only to go back and tuck them in, kiss them goodnight (while they were sleeping). We then had storytelling at breakfast about how I came and checked on them and kissed them goodnight, and how they had be lying (my DS is a real wriggler) where their cuddle toys were etc still building connection even when I’ve just ran out of juice the night before.

In terms of defiance, I know that’s what it feels like but he doesn’t yet have the capacity to be purposefully defiant yet - the “cause and effect” part of his process isn’t in place (which is why you’ll no doubt pick the same toy off the floor 100 times a day - he’s not learned yet that if he throws his toy it’ll fall on the floor). The thing about words like defiance is they start to deep into your mind the idea that his behaviour is purposeful and that he has control over it when it isn’t and he doesn’t.

How are you getting breaks - is it when he’s in bed (or are you using that time for jobs you can’t get done during the day?). You need to fill your own cup first, or you’ll run out of steam. Is there anything he’ll do while you sit (probably with him on top of you - been there) with a cup of tea, anything that distracts him?

I don’t agree with PP about giving yourself over to loving him and meeting his needs - that way madness lies, you need to keep something for yourself, to fuel you through this huge adjustment and to enable you to love him in the best way you can, in all it’s messy, imperfect glory. What support do you have? I don’t mean social workers popping in (although that was invaluable - at 8 weeks in I still had weekly visits from my SW and the kids SW some of which consisted of me crying on them for an hour while the kids watched endless runs of paw patrol. What real life support - friends, family, partner who can come and chat, let you get a shower or clean the kitchen for you? Yes, I know lockdown and all but needs must. Tbh one of the things I did that helped me no end was to get a cleaner, once a week to clean bathrooms, kitchen and mop the floors. That way if I didn’t get to it, I knew they’d be cleaned at some point.

In short, rest every opportunity you get, keep being structured with bedtime, get some practical help, and rest at every single opportunity.

Thank you so much for all your replies, they've really boosted my spirits. It's my third low of placement. I keep thinking I've hit rock bottom but then I manage to find it again after a bad day. It's very difficult.

@Moominmammaatsea funnily enough when I'm talking to friends and family about it I do frame his behaviour as positive. I need to remind myself of it when he's in the middle of some of it. He's doing really well and is in the main very happy (lots of singing and dancing and playing, he's very comfortable here).

@Apolloanddaphne thank you. My social worker (and his) has been great. They do get in touch regularly.

@sassygromit oh, no door is shut, not even the bathroom door. I don't dare to! He pretty much always comes with me to the toilet or comes to find me if I go. I don't attempt to stop him. I think with the food that I give him too much choice. If he doesn't eat one thing I'll replace with something else, again and again. I'm taking those choices away a bit and distracting him with books while he eats. I'm also being a bit more playful with food too. This is hard work isn't it. Everything needs a strategy!

@user1479136681 thank you that's good advice. We've had periods of not leaving the house but I go a bit bonkers and I think he does too. His foster carers had a big house and mine is small. There's nowhere for him to really go

@Ted27 your message really helped, thank you so much. Lockdown definitely hasn't made it any easier.

@MutteringDarkly We do have toys and books in most rooms. My bathroom floor is covered with drawings with bath crayons that I make him do when I need the toilet! Haha. Our poor house. I'll definitely put an angelic picture of him up on his bedroom door!

@Jellycatspyjamas it really does feel like his behaviour is on purpose and to test me / to see how I'll react / if I'll reject him: the refusing to look at me, the selective hearing, the kisses on his photos of his foster carers and "I loves yous" at them after he asks me for a cuddle and then runs off. He watches me when he does it to see how I react. I always react positively - "you love them so much, don't you, and I know you miss them. They love and miss you too but they're happy you're with your forever family."

I get a break when he has a nap. It's normally for about an hour or so. He's normally asleep by 8pm (his foster carers put him down at 10pm so I've made progress). He wakes up at 6:30am. I've not seen anyone other than one friend and her daughter in eight weeks, and I've been isolating since March because I needed to for transitions. He's only very briefly met a couple of family members who happened to be in the area and I certainly haven't had anyone in my house to help me. It's just been us and it seems like it will be that way for a bit longer. I don't have family nearby and all my friends are either NHS workers or have children who are going to nursery / playgroups or aren't isolating. I know it may sound extreme but I worry about catching Covid and not being able to parent him as a single mother. Likewise people in my support network who were supposed to be there for me during the early days of placement are happy to drop by and say hello over the fence but won't come in the house even on the days I want to throw caution to the wind and would really like them to. I've not seen the social workers in person but they have been ringing me.

It sounds worse than it is. We have a routine, we go to the park or a farm shop or something every morning and I always talk to other parents. I have family and friends on the phone all the time. Lots of messages. I so wish there was more to do with him but there isn't and we're all in the same boat. It's hard hard hard.

Thank god for Paw Patrol, eh.

Your messages have been invaluable. I'm very grateful for this forum xx

OP, I was you 9 months ago. Read some of my threads from that time and you will see I was a broken woman. I honestly don't know how I got through it. I would look at other adoption accounts on Instagram and they looked like perfect families with no issues and I'd feel crushing disappointment and jealousy that that wasn't us. Sometimes it got worse before it got better. There were several times, even up until a few months ago, that I wasn't sure this would work out. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But things did get better - they're not perfect. We have a lot of challenging behaviour still and it's the hardest thing I've ever done but I now love my son, absolutely. We only sent off the adoption application to the court this week. It's taken time. You are doing an amazing job and you will get there. Feel free to message me at any time.

@poppet31

wow, thats amazing and exciting, congratulations and well done to you and mr poppet31 for sticking it out.

@mahrezzy thats a long time to be on your own. I understand the worry as a singe mum about getting il but for your own sanity you need people. Can you go on a day trip to see family? We went to Liverpool on the train last week to see my parents. It felt like the most exciting adventure ever - was such a boost

I've made progress

Write this out and put it somewhere, put it lots of places - this is the crux of the matter. You’re having a much much tougher early days the many, and yet still you’ve made progress. Way to go, mum!

Poppet, it’s great that you’ve been able to give a really fresh perspective of the hell that can be introductions and early placement. I’m delighted to hear that things are going so well for you now. Enjoy your special family day in court!

@mahrezzy, I hope you’re having a better day today. Please do keep coming here and asking for advice (my very wise social worker often repeated how it was the adopters who never asked for help who were the ones she worried about the most). You are amazing to have weathered introductions and placement during a global pandemic which has seen the world shut down - I think I would have been rocking in a corner at the thought of no parks, soft plays, playgroups, zoos, museums and libraries in the very early days and weeks of becoming a mum.

I’m 12 years in to being a parent and there have been a few (well, more than a few, if I’m honest) days during the 15 very long weeks of lockdown that I have fantasised about getting in my car - sans children - and driving to a very remote Scottish island, where I will live incognito forever. I call it my sanity fantasy and I have every last detail planned! 😎

It’s really hard doing it on your own sometimes and can feel relentless. Be kind to yourself.

It’s really good he had such a positive attachment to his foster carers. Have you been in touch with them at all? Would you be up for visiting them or meeting somewhere? It sounds counter productive but can help children settle knowing they are still around and still care.

From what you have written you’re doing much better than you realise.

I’m also a single adopter, while doing everything on your own is hard, a huge positive is not having to please anyone else. I’m an unexpected adopter as mine is an in family adoption. I was initially given him as a stop gap until a more suitable foster home was found, sadly I didn’t see the huge ‘mug’ tattoo on my forehead 😂 he was meant to stay for six weeks when he was 18 months, he just turned five and they still haven’t picked him up!!!!!

A few things I learned and worked for us, I know this doesn’t work for everyone but we were never seperate for a good 8-10 weeks, he slept with me so he would either sleep on the sofa until I went to bed, or I would go to bed early and read, game etc until I was ready to sleep. He even used to come to rugby training and matches as it was too early for him to be babysat. He learned some very colourful rugby chants on the bus to away games.

I know this is a hard one but you really can’t stress about the things you can’t control. I had a burst appendix a few weeks in, so rushed into hospital, emergency surgery and due to an infection a two weeks hospital stay (it was going to be six weeks but I discharged myself). He spent a night in emergency foster as I was incapable of providing contact details, after that a friend cared for him in my flat. It was shit, but we got through it and it hasn’t had a negative effect on his attachment to me. It did however enable him to develop a positive attachment to my friend, they’re still very close and he is my sons favourite person to spend time with, visit etc. So good things can come from disasters!

I lost my son at the zoo 2/3 weeks in, it was a mix of being terrified that he was gone and in a way almost relieved that he was gone. I now have a puppy, I regularly think about putting my son in the crate and going out for the day, to be honest he would probably like pretending to be a dog.

When I first got him I had a basement flat with a garden, it wasn’t uncommon for me to go in the garden and scream while punching the grass. I hate to think what the neighbours thought.

I started going back to work at six months, by this point things were okay most of the time with smaller blips, it also didn’t feel like I was babysitting someones child at this point. That was actually hard for me to cope with, I became his Dad before he became my son, so I did find it hard not to push him away as I didn’t have that connection yet. I initially went one day a week, then two etc and slowly built up to four days a week.

If we were in those early days now there is no way I would have stuck to lockdown once he was living with me. You need to put your own sanity first.

If a group of adopters posted their dark, bad, disaster moments etc you’d realise how normal it actually is and generally how well you’re doing.

Are you part of any local adoption support groups?

@poppet31 lovely to hear!

If a group of adopters posted their dark, bad, disaster moments etc you’d realise how normal it actually is and generally how well you’re doing.

👆this 👆

100 times this

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

What a lucky little boy having you as his mummy xx

@mahrezzy I used to do something that sounds a bit bonkers but really helped in the early days. Make a memory jar, write one good thing that happens every day and put the piece of paper in the jar.

When you are having a bad day, read the notes in the jar. 😁

Niffler, that’s an absolutely lovely idea. I’ve always made a point of creeping into the bedrooms of my two when they’re deep in sleep to give them a hug and a kiss (without waking them up, God forbid!) There’s something about the Eau de Kid (at the sweaty napes of their necks) that reminds me how much I love them, regardless of how utterly crap and challenging the day may have been.

@Moominmammaatsea We do some crazy stuff right! 🙌 In my house anyway sometimes it's a little bit of 'crazy' that gets us through difficult times!

I’d like to respond…and I hope I don’t cause any offence, this is not my intention, rather to look at it totally child centred.
I feel your little one needs to see or hear his previous carers, he needs to know he wasn’t abandoned, he is too young to grasp the concept of a forever home. Is this an option, are they close enough ? They are not a threat, your little one’s heart has a huge capacity to accommodate more than you think. They could be part of your support network as much as you allow or they are capable of providing.
I know you will have imagined the trauma he has and still is experiencing. It is huge, with possible lifelong implications. He needs to know his love for them is still recognised and you can do that for him. As a PP has stated he has been ‘abducted ‘ from what he has viewed as his family.
If you can let them in without feeling your relationship with him is threatened, he and you will benefit enormously.
He is your son, nothing will change that. The toddler stage is an ever changing challenge, try not to overthink every look or action, he will push all your buttons. Breathe deep and be kind to yourself.