I don't know if my placement is working out

[mahrezzy]

I think I'm posting this because I need to be told to keep going. To be told it's going to get better.

My son has had a rocky start to our placement. It's been eight weeks so I know it's still very, very early days, but sometimes it feels like it's getting worse not better.

He grieved his foster carers deeply at the start. He howled for them and wouldn't let me physically comfort him. Even now, sometimes, he won't let me touch him if he's upset with me but those moments are few and far between. His grief has settled but he misses them still (and I expect he will for a long time). He told me today he's sad because he misses them (he's very verbal for his two years and we've done lots of work on feelings since he's been home).

He's very clingy and I have to prepare him for me to leave the room with 10 minute then 5 minute then 1 minute cues. He's defiant and has very selective hearing. He's always been a good eater but is now starting to get controlling with food, telling me he doesn't want something and then screaming if I take it away.

I know a lot of it is terrible twos. I know I shouldn't take it personally. It's very difficult.

He's always been very clingy at bedtime. It would take his foster carers hours to put him to bed at night. I manage easily but he will try his luck every evening, asking for cuddles and more stories. I'm very firm and stick to the same routine every evening.

Tonight I was so sad and disheartened about his behaviour that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kiss him, tell him I love him, read him his favourite stories. So I just put him in his bed, said goodnight and walked out of his room. He didn't react at all, he doesn't seem to care. This hurts more than anything as I've always felt so bonded to him during our bedtime routine.

I can't see straight. I'm so upset. All my adoption friends (everyone who I've met on the way) have had such easy rides of it. Nobody else is experiencing anything like this or if they are they're not admitting it.

Will this get better? Are his attachment issues too deep for me? Is he a psychopath?! I'm starting to develop strong feelings towards him and the more I do the more devastated I feel.

I'm a good mother. I know I am. I'm doing everything as well as I can and my social worker agrees I'm managing to therapuetically parent and be more than good enough. But it doesn't seem enough.

I'm so sad.

@mahrezzy
what a lovely update, sounds about right to me ! onwards and upwards

Lovely reading this thread. Reminded me of exactly how I felt at the beginning!!!

I also think Bing needs to be murdered!!

I agree with Ted @mahrezzy
"what a lovely update". I am so pleased things are better now.

My boy came to us at 3. I remember the first meet up with foster carers and also the second, so well.

On the first j worried he would want to go home with them. He did not!

On the second occasion he bumped heads with another child at a soft play place. He walked past foster carer to get a 'mummy cuddle' from me!

It was probably my proudest mummy moment to date!

That’s brought a year to my eyes. Lovely update OP, congrats!

@mahrezzy I am so pleased to hear your update. There is so much happiness and joy coming through.

About half past five this morning, my kids came through and were just jumping about our bed and I felt so overwhelmed with happiness. It was the first time I felt like a proper family. (My son has been home 2 years). These moments, not the big family days out or celebrations, are the ones you remember and matter the most. Like you lying in bed next to your son, him feeling safe at home next to mummy. May you always pause to notice these little happy moments.

Thank you all. He’s such a superstar he makes it easy to be his mother. I’m learning how to be the best parent to him all the time and it feels like it’s all slotted into place.

@121Sarah121 that’s lovely news - I’m so happy for you! Know how far we’ve come and seeing our children relax really has made some of the harder moments worth it! x

You sound as if you are doing really well! The first months are very hard for tons of adopters, so what you are experiencing is actually normal. Both your worlds have been turned upside down. Your son has lost everything he knew and you are adjusting to being a parent. That is rough!

It is a good sign that he grieves for his foster carers. He had a good attachment to them and they clearly cared well for him. It is painful for you, but it is a good sign. My daughter used to say to me: "I wished you could be a foster carer and my foster carer could be my mummy!" Ouch. She settled in very quickly though and is very well attached now.

Your son is clingy because he worries you might disappear just like his foster carer and his birth parents did. It might also be a survival mechanism. My daughter used to really struggle with me going to the loo. She needed to see and talk to me at all times, because otherwise she worried I might forget about her, not feed her etc.

You probably do that, but if not do keep him with you as much as possible. Have him lie on you, smell you, listen to your heart beat to co-regulate him and to help him get to know you. Do sensual stuff where you gently stroke him with feathers, brushes, and so on. Take baths together and play in the water. Take him into your bedroom and let him sleep there. My children were 5 and 6 when they were placed with us and my older daughter struggled with the separation at night for years. Nights are long and dark and very lonely. Horrible things might have happened at night. Children of that age don't have good object permanence thinking and traumatised children even less so, so when they can't see you, they think you might be gone forever. My daughter, aged 13, just spend 6 months sleeping in my bedroom due to anxiety. She is back in her room now. He will not be in your room forever, but he needs you now.

Controlling behaviours: We did "Special Time" with our children as described in "The Incredibly Years" which is an evidence based parenting book. I am not sure if your son is old enough for it, but you might want to have a look because it was very helpful for my daughters.

There is a parenting book about young adopted children, it is called "First Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers" by Caroline Archer.

Hang in there, he is still so little and you really need to take the lead. You speak so loving of him, it will all fall into place.