I don't know if my placement is working out

[mahrezzy]

I think I'm posting this because I need to be told to keep going. To be told it's going to get better.

My son has had a rocky start to our placement. It's been eight weeks so I know it's still very, very early days, but sometimes it feels like it's getting worse not better.

He grieved his foster carers deeply at the start. He howled for them and wouldn't let me physically comfort him. Even now, sometimes, he won't let me touch him if he's upset with me but those moments are few and far between. His grief has settled but he misses them still (and I expect he will for a long time). He told me today he's sad because he misses them (he's very verbal for his two years and we've done lots of work on feelings since he's been home).

He's very clingy and I have to prepare him for me to leave the room with 10 minute then 5 minute then 1 minute cues. He's defiant and has very selective hearing. He's always been a good eater but is now starting to get controlling with food, telling me he doesn't want something and then screaming if I take it away.

I know a lot of it is terrible twos. I know I shouldn't take it personally. It's very difficult.

He's always been very clingy at bedtime. It would take his foster carers hours to put him to bed at night. I manage easily but he will try his luck every evening, asking for cuddles and more stories. I'm very firm and stick to the same routine every evening.

Tonight I was so sad and disheartened about his behaviour that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kiss him, tell him I love him, read him his favourite stories. So I just put him in his bed, said goodnight and walked out of his room. He didn't react at all, he doesn't seem to care. This hurts more than anything as I've always felt so bonded to him during our bedtime routine.

I can't see straight. I'm so upset. All my adoption friends (everyone who I've met on the way) have had such easy rides of it. Nobody else is experiencing anything like this or if they are they're not admitting it.

Will this get better? Are his attachment issues too deep for me? Is he a psychopath?! I'm starting to develop strong feelings towards him and the more I do the more devastated I feel.

I'm a good mother. I know I am. I'm doing everything as well as I can and my social worker agrees I'm managing to therapuetically parent and be more than good enough. But it doesn't seem enough.

I'm so sad.

@mahrezzy how is it going now?

Hi all. Sorry for not responding until now, things have been and are still tough. His new favourite thing to say is that he doesn't love me, which he says with lots of eye contact. "I don't love you." "I don't love mummy." I'm trying very hard to think rationally about it all (he's only two, of course he doesn't love me after a couple of months, he's starting to attach (hopefully) and is pushing me away, he's angry and is taking it out on me). It's hard. It cuts deep. He's also getting more and more controlling. I think this is because he's starting to attach and is scared. It's not easy.

I'm so tired.

@Justbeing5 up until a few weeks ago he had video calls with them every week. They'd dysregulate him so much that I felt it was better to ease off for a while. He gets letters and videos from them and he still has video calls with their extended family. We talk about them several day and I always tell him they love him and miss him. We talk about how he's sad because he misses them and of course he does and they'll always be in his life.

@Niffler75 I started to do that but then stopped. I didn't really have the heart for it.

@SimonJT I can't tell you how much your message helped and also made me laugh a bit (darkly). My neighbours have been great. One came round last night with some prosecco which we drank in the garden.

@Moominmammaatsea can I run away with you? It's not all bad. In fact, it's only bad after it's been good. Which seems to make it feel that more painful for me. And I KNOW it's not about me, it's all about him. But fucking hell.

@poppet31 I'm so so pleased for you. I remember reading your threads and feeling so sad for how things were going for you and thinking "well, that won't be me." Lesson learned. I try so hard not to look at adoption instagram (or ordinary instagram) and I look at my photos and think he looks so gorgeous and happy. People stop me on the street to marvel at him. I try very hard not to say "IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE HELL HE PUTS ME THROUGH EVERY DAY." And I tell myself that the people behind those perfect photos may be going through it too. My therapist says I'm honest with myself and my situation and a lot of adopters refuse to see the bad as it doesn't fit in with their ideal or dream. God knows how. Mine is relentless and screams (he's screaming at me now as I've told him we can't go up in a helicopter this afternoon). I'm so, so happy that you've put in for the AO and that you've reached that point. It does give me hope.

In fact, it's only bad after it's been good. Which seems to make it feel that more painful for me.

My DD does this, we’ll have a fantastic day, she’ll really enjoy herself or will do something really well and then will kick off or completely sabotage the day. It’s so bloody frustrating but in her case she’s familiar with things going wrong - she doesn’t know how to accept the good stuff whether that be praise or fun or love, so she’ll bring things back to the bad because she does know how to deal with rejection or harshness.

It’s very hard not to go there with them, but it’s instinctive in terms of trying to get back on what feels for them like solid ground - it’s not personal, despite it feeling very personal.

Well done, you are doing a great job with this wee one.

Great to hear your update; you’ve got a lot of folks rooting for you here on Team mahrezzy!

I think your therapist has summed it up brilliantly, you are clearly very emotionally literate and insightful and reflective and you are giving munchkin mahrezzy the space and airtime to express his massive and complicated feelings in the ways in which he is comfortable.

Just a thought, if the ‘love’ word is becoming ‘weaponised’, why not de-escalate and reassure your boy that it’s ok for him not to love you yet (and vice versa) because you are hoping that the love will grow over time as you both get to know each other better, but in the meantime, you’re happy to like and admire him and be very pleased that he has come to live with you?

My son now tells me he loves me 5 times a day but for the first 6 months he'd look at me straight in the eye and say I don't like this home and I dont like this family in a very conversational tone! He was even more scathing of my husband. I instinctively knew it was just him working through emotions and change and I tried never to rise to it as he needed to know this was his home now but some days i wanted to resort to childish retorts because I was so tired and fed up being an emotional sorted and mature adult. We've got there. That phase passed. We are now his family even if at times when he is on the end of a telling off he says ' you are the worst family ever.' It is so hard at times and you dont see how hard until you look back but it is so important to find a sympathetic ear. That offload is a recharge in itself. Keep posting.

How have things been in the last few days?

Is your LO still screaming at you to take away food, and then screaming if you do so, wanting it back?

In relation to activities and tv - are you still limiting choices as standard, ie every time, and how is LO reacting to that?

This may or may not be relevant for you, as children do vary, but my dc found paw patrol to be massively over stimulating - I think it was to do with the speed of change of scene and the constant movement on screen and bursts of noise. Things like Ben and Holly got a totally different reaction for example. Octonauts was over stimulating for the same reason, which was a shame as the content is amazing, about sea plants and animals and environment, though we discovered Wild Kratts which was pretty good too in that respect. Not really relevant for now, necessarily, but I have found that different programmes have such differentimpacts.

Not sure if it is any consolation OP, but my DS (birth, not adopted) now 6yo has told me at regular intervals throughout his life that he doesn’t love me, usually prompted by my stopping him doing something he really wants to. My default response is ‘well I really love you’ and to give him a kiss, then distract him With a toy or tickle him or something. I know it is horrible to hear, but I really wouldn’t give it too much thought, It isn’t true, and don’t try to reason with him, at 2 it is wasted on him.

I also wonder whether telling him his foster parents miss him is a good idea, you don’t want him to worry about them. Would just ‘they love you very much’ so keeping things Entirely positive work at all?

It sounds like you are doing brilliantly

Hiya sorry I rarely turn on my computer at the moment (DS tries to go on it every time I try!).

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you. I know it's quite common but it's so hard and it takes me a while to realise why he's doing it, especially when it comes out of the blue. Yesterday was horrible, today is good (so far, although he's currently fighting his nap) so who knows what tomorrow will bring. It's so difficult to remain consistent and not to get swept up in his feelings.

@Moominmammaatsea really good advice, thank you. I've been teaching him that sometimes he'll be angry at mummy and sometimes he'll love mummy and sometimes he'll think mummy is very silly and all his feelings are valid and I'll still be his mummy and I'll still love him. He's only 2 so it's hard to know if he understands when he parrots it back!

@ModelCitizen mine definitely does that too. It must be so hard and confusing for them in the early days.

@sassygromit yes, a bit, he does it with lots of things. I know that this is also Terrible Twos behaviour but I put it down to him trying to control me like he did his FCs (which he did in other ways). I'm learning to take the food away and not give it back and to be consistent and in charge. My natural instinct is to offer him everything in the fridge as I want him to eat but I know he now knows this and is using it against me! I'm trying to reset. So far it's working but it's hard.

You're right about Paw Patrol. DS was allowed to choose to watch things on YouTube at his FCs on an iPad that he was in charge of. They let him because that's what his BM let him do and he screamed blue murder if he wasn't allowed that control. I don't let him look at YouTube at all and am now being more assertive about TV choices as he's too young to make decisions. He doesn't like it but he'll watch what I choose. I'm aiming for more gentle things to wean him off the hard stuff.

@Solasum that's a very very good idea. I'll stop the 'missing' bit. Thank you for the suggestion!

I’m really glad to hear this morning at least was better OP.

It’s lovely to hear your update. Being a parent is hard and takes a lot of adjusting. It sounds like you are doing so well. You are reflecting on your sons needs and putting him first. That’s all you can do. Attachment is built up over months and years and things take time. But you are doing all you can to lay the foundation and that’s amazing. You are doing to well

Just on the I love you thing, my son was older at 7, he told me from day 3 that he loved me, a lot and was upset if I didnt respond likewise immediately, even a few seconds delay. But he was saying what he thought I wanted to hear, but he did need to hear it from me. I think we both knew when we really meant it, and that wasn't for several months.

If you think about it, why should he love you after so little time. At 2 he will still be parroting, but one day he will mean it. I wouldnt get too hung up on it. If he says he doesnt love you, you carry on doing what you've been doing - its ok to feel whatever it is he is feeling and to say it

You might find this helpful/heartening, OP, and it might be relevant for when your LO sometimes kicks back after things being good.

I used to love watching Lori Petro when dc were younger, it always calmed me! I had forgotten. In fact, I m going to watch a few now so that I am perfectly patient and calm and positive tomorrow...snort...

oops forgot to link

With the food thing, afew of us have referred to toddler behaviour upthread around food but one thing I meant to mention was that when it turned to screaming if I gave it/screaming when I took it away, I found that it was in fact LO communicating that something else was wrong (ie i think that it wasn't done to to control, it was done to communicate). On one occasion it was because dc had an infection but showed no other signs, no temperature. Or to do with being unhappy about something else- it was usually fairly obvious what it was, and it was usually something which had happened before that time,and the way I mended it was to offer lots of tlc and 1:1 time.

I think the main thing with food is that it is sufficient to maintain good energy levels, happiness levels, ability to function, ability to sleep etc

Hello, thought I'd add a little update - things feel a bit better. I can feel him starting to attach now and he's seemingly comfortable at that level of attachment without needing to push me away, so we've had a week of lovely times. I've also relaxed more myself. I've taken away lots of choices for him, but I've also given him more 'free' time to just be and do what he wants to do. If he asks me to play with him I do, but it feels much easier now. He's also mainly eating everything I put in front of him. He's learned that if I take it away I won't now offer lots to appease him (and that he can try to control/manage).

He also met my parents for the first time which went very well and at the end I asked him if he wanted to give them a hug goodbye which he did. My mum was delighted! We're slowly coming out of our funnelling cocoon and life feels (tentatively) good. It's still hard, of course, and there's still lots to manage with his anxiety, but we've made good steps.

Thank you to everyone who's offered advice and been there. I was at rock bottom many times and you kept me going xx

Lovely to hear!

That’s wonderful

Sounds super

Well done, I’m so glad things seem to be settling. Long may it continue

Ha, oh dear, not long after DS woke up he started building up to a huge meltdown and exploded at dinner time. As he was screaming his head off I remembered my last post and thought it was sod's law!

Still, success or anything is not a straight line. After his meltdown he came for a cuddle (a first for us) and he went to bed happy. There's definite progress!

@mahrezzy The cuddle after a meltdown is huge progress, well done! 😊 Remember with building attachment that this needs to be tested. Being consistently there will be building trust. In turn if you are feeling better in yourself this will really help!
My son really mirrors my emotions back at me. If I am tired and stressed it really effects him! 😬

Massive progress. We're all here, cheering you on through the rocky days.

Another update - he's doing so, so well. He's been home for three months now and we've definitely turned a corner. So much so that when he casually asked for a phone call with his FCs yesterday I thought 'why not?'... and for the first time he was calm, happy and remained. No dysregulation, no tears. I was so happy for him (and for me and his FCs who have been so worried about him).

We met up with a friend whose daughter came home two months ago. She's four to his two, and sadly experienced more difficulties in her short life. I could see some subtle 'attachment behaviours' in her that my son used to have and now doesn't. I tried hard not to compare but I'm human and she was a timely reminder of how far my son has come in a short amount of time. They played together beautifully and it was so nice to hang out with someone who I didn't have to explain my parenting vibes to!

And finally, we laugh so much. He's a joy. He snuggles, he comes to me when he hurts himself and I can calm him pretty quickly, he's cheeky and he's transforming in front of my eyes. It's such a privilege to see him flourishing and I'm so, so pleased he's my son.

We have a long road ahead of us I'm sure, and many many more meltdowns, tantrums and hard feelings to work through. But we're over the worst of the start of placement. xx

I'm so happy to hear your update mahrezzy! All that progress after only 3 months together - you are a brilliant mum and you're both doing amazingly. 3 months is nothing, it won't be long before the difficult early weeks feel like a distant memory. Your hard work is paying off and there are fun times ahead xx

I’m currently laying in bed with my son asleep next to me and I could burst with love. He’s doing so so well - we’re six months in and he’s such a happy, stable, loud ball of energy. We laugh so much.

We saw his FCs recently and it went so well - he (finally) showed preference to me and came to me for all the mummy tasks. He has a lovely relationship with them that I hope we can continue to nurture.

Underneath he can still be anxious in new situations. He can still be controlling when he’s scared. But he lets me in. He lets me help.

I’m tired, bored, sick of CBeebies and miss my old life. I miss sleep.

I also couldn’t be happier.