Relationship Breakdown

[MissHL]

Has anyone else been in the position where they have adopted a child or children and found that their relationship with their partner breaks down before the adoption order comes through? Because I think that's what is happening to me right now and I would love some advice

@AgathaCroosty so sorry to read. and Yes SS will only be interested in the LO, it makes you feel like crap.

@Italiangreyhound ss are involved because I have multiple disabled children and so the minute he left I had need from the disability team to be able to manage 2 pre-schoolers. I was given a pitiful amount of weekly hours to tide me over, and in retrospect i should have just put them in private nursery - however frowned upon that is. Now its been almost 2 years of custody battle and while i'm nearly at the end its been a battle! SS have put me through the ringer, the measly few hours i was initially given were stopped as i could manage without, and they were asked by the court for their opinion. SIGH. Roll on September and hopefully school will kick in and i can finally finally have a hot cup of tea and i'll never need to talk to another SW again!!!!!!

sadwithkiddies oh that is so hard. I am so sorry. 💐

AgathaCroosty I'm really sorry this is so very difficult.

I do understand why social services are only interested in the child/children. That's their bit. They aren't able to provide marriage counselling, as far as I know; and I am not sure they would necessarily be the people who could provide it well even if they could do it.

I think maybe the issue here is you were the one that left (and I am sure you felt it was the right thing to do) and he was the one who told them you had left. He was the one left holding the baby so to speak. So I can see why social services may want to prioritize him as the carer. But I am not sure why you cannot both care for the child, just as any separated/divorced couple couple and would.

Do you think he delayed the adoption order on purpose?

I guess what I am getting at is, have you considered what you want to happen and how that may be brought about? In your shoes I'd definitely get some counselling to help you work out the way forward.

Will you get any contact time, or if he is the adopter would you not? Will it really be best for the child to be adopted by your husband and no contact with you? Or do you feel it will be best for the child/best for you or best for you both. I guess in my clumsy way I am saying, please get the support you need.

Is the divorce ongoing now or not yet started?

I am sorry to pry, please feel free to ignore me.

💐

@italiangreyhound indeed I was being a bit too cryptic. F was indeed for father.

As my parents said, time heals, although I am comfortable with the fact that I will never forget this period in my life.

Am concentrating on keeping the family I do have going x

topcat2014 Thank you for sharing, I am sorry I had assumed you were a woman! Whether you are the mum or dad It must have been so tough for you and perhaps as the you feel even more helpless because of the family are up.

I have read your posts since you arrived on these boards and I am just so sorry for your situation.

and perhaps as the dad you feel even more helpless ...

@topcat2014 your journey was fairly quick and if I remember correctly some red flags with your DD all along- her not ever being 100% on board? Sorry if wrong OP.....I wasnt shocked you disrupted but ever so sad for all concerned. So sorry and hope you can move on as they say.

@Italian I've been around for about 8 years by other names. I change frequently these days

It's been a different journey since my divorce as everyone homes in on the kids - maybe rightly so......but I'm the one holding it all together now with next to no support. Its really tough. Hey ho.

@sadwithkiddies
We are in lockdown with 2 kids with complex needs and some of our adult kids and it can be v intense managing all those various needs. And there are two of us ! So i take my hat off to you. You musr be amazingly resilient !

@sadwithkiddies well remembered. Sadly it was to do with DW rather than DD that things disrupted.

It was a short placement, and LO was able to return to FC

@sadwithkiddies

"I've been around for about 8 years by other names. I change frequently these days" would I know you by a different name? Feel free to pm me. I was around about 8 years ago but not of these boards on fertility.

Re 2It's been a different journey since my divorce as everyone homes in on the kids - maybe rightly so......but I'm the one holding it all together now with next to no support. Its really tough."

I am sure it is. I think you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

I'm not saying there should not be support for adults of course there should.

The adults support the kids. It's important to take care all concerned.

I am sorry if I did not give that impression.

But when it comes to matching and placements, especially new placements and prior to adoption order, I can see why the various agencies have to prioritize the kids. That's all I meant.

I've asked him & he isn't interested in even trying marriage councilling, I've mentioned it before & the idea always just gets poo pood.

Divorce is in its early stages, but with Covid, God knows what the time frame will look like.

In terms of LO, I'd love to persue the joint order still, but I've been informed that the courts won't accept it.

They where asking on Wednesday, what my access will look like in the future - I know that they've only got LOs interests at heart, but christ sake they want all the details NOW!

@AgathaCroosty so sorry to read. Waiting for the divorce till your now-ex till adopt LO sounds ludicrous though. The 3 of you are now really in a holding pattern.

Who is telling you that you cannot both apply to adopt the LO.....and who is telling you that your now ex cannot just apply now to adopt LO.

You do not need the blessing of the adoption agency to go ahead if LO has been with you more than 12 weeks. I would seriously give some thought to just submitting the paperwork - the agency will receive the papers from court and what will be will be. how would you feel about that?

otherwise I think they need to hear of your commitment - that's why they are asking you....I guess make a schedule, stick to it for now and try to make SW go away a little bit. you need to help SS worry a little less about LO.

My divorce is not finalized and we are 2 years in, and its because we are trying to settled the kids and £ which have to be done before the decree absolut can be applied for. Divorce can go on and on, and you could be at risk of LO being removed....

@Italiangreyhound you'll know who I am from these boards, I've had a break for a good year or so.
you didn't give the wrong impression re support no, I was just saying after divorce the parents are just left to it and ultimately we have to support the kids, it is just so short-sighted.
and yes I agree new placements v us oldies are 2 different things.

sadwithkiddies I just want to wish you all the best.

@AgathaCroosty this is all so hard.

I am sorry your 'H' is being so hard about it all.

"I've asked him & he isn't interested in even trying marriage councilling, I've mentioned it before & the idea always just gets poo pood." is there anything he would consider for the sake of the little one, a temporary 'ceasefire' so to speak?

"Divorce is in its early stages, but with Covid, God knows what the time frame will look like." I;m sorry I don't know the answer to this but can divorce proceedings be halted, temporarily?

" I'd love to persue the joint order still, but I've been informed that the courts won't accept it." Have you spoken to a family solicitor, one specializing in adoption?

"They where asking on Wednesday, what my access will look like in the future - I know that they've only got LOs interests at heart" Well they will think they have got LO's interests at heart but they may get it wrong.

I agree with sadwithkiddies if it would not be in little one's best interested for him/her to be adopted by just dad, or dad to have to wait for divorce to come through, then I would fight for whatever is best and get some legal advice.

My friend was in a totally different adoption 'issue' ad the right solicitor helped amazingly.

sadwithkiddies I often feel frustrated that more effort is not put into supporting adopters. The child/children have already been through family loss so the family need extra support.

We are very lucky that our county does invest in adopters and 6 years on we still get some limited help. We've accessed the fund and used it for support to help me help LO . 💐

To me it just seems that they're asking x y & z on one hand but taking it away via A B C in the other xx rediculous.

We've our next LAC review on Monday, that will be interesting to say the least.

Good luck AgathaCroosty. Little one has lost so much already. She/he sgoukd not lose a new mum as well.

Is it possible for you to move back into family hone? Desirable for you? Please don't answer if you do not want to.

I sm sorry this is a dreadful situation. Your H and social services seem to be exerting pressure.

@MissHL how is it going for you??

Ultimately, they're not bothered about us. It's just LO they're bothered about.

I imagine it’s not that they don’t care about you and your marriage so much as your DH is clear the marriage is over and he wants to continue on his own.

SW could be, rightly, accused of overstepping their powers by trying to involve themselves in some way - their interest is in making sure any children are safeguarded through the divorce process. In this case they hold the role of corporate parent because your child’s legal status is that of a “looked after” child. Neither you or your husband have full parental rights and SW need to know what will happen to this child, so finalising things like access, maintenance etc become more pressing than they would usually be.

Ultimately they need to know this child is in the centre of both parties thoughts in the separation. That the child won’t become the subject of a custody battle, or be fought over, or be a pawn between you (hence not granting a joint adoption order to newly separated parents). They will want it all set in stone before any adoption order is finalised.

Do seek good legal advice, but I can’t think of circumstances which would allow for a change in the child’s legal status while the relationship is in the midst of breaking down. My guess is the local authority would oppose the order, so going for a joint adoption order just now may be costly and ultimately unsuccessful.

Would you want to apply as sole adopter if you had the choice?

There's no way I can move back in. House is only two bedrooms & I don't think I deserve the sofa.

I just want to know where I stand, in terms of the future. Its all well and good then asking, but ultimately, I can say anything but I've no rights to change anything because they want H to take lo on. So ultimately, it's got to come from him.

Ss want H to take on the order because he's been the stay at home Dad and I've been back at work for months now.

As hard as it is, that makes a lot of sense in that he’s the primary carer. It’s no different than a women who is a stay at home parent having main residence of the child when the couple split. Of course it’s complicated in that you don’t, and potentially won’t have legal rights in relation to your little one - which is utterly heartbreaking. Is it a mutual decision to end the marriage or are one of you driving it more than the other?

Would you be in a position to be primary carer? To be honest I’m surprised they aren’t talking about the possibility of the placement disrupting entirely which I imagine is what they’re trying to avoid in one of you applying as sole adopter.

What do you want to happen here? If you have a sense of that it’ll help you find a way forward. What discussions have you had with SW independently of your DH.

Mutual agreement for the divorce. It's a shame. But too much water under the bridge to save it. Instead of discussing how each other feels, we've wrapped it up & not discussed it. And each (major) issue has resulted in some deep rooted resentment from him towards me, he's not the innocent party here, he's also done damaging things within the relationship as well.

As for primary carer, financially I would be in a better position to take LO on. However, currently due to covid, I'd have to pack in work & then we'd loose the house (another reason for the split, despite a healthy financial situation, we've been living a mouth to wage packet existence for a long time).

Ultimately, I'd like the opportunity to share perental responsibility but I don't think that's an option going forward, suppose that we'll feel a bit more out of the dark after LAC review next week.

AgathaCroosty it sounds like a very complex situation.

Dear MissHL I am so sorry to read your message. Last year this happened to myself and my partner although the AO had already gone through.

You've been given some great advice particularly from Italiangreyhound's post on Thurs at 02.32 who's advice I would echo.

Some things I did that helped me:

Reach out to those very close to me.

Sought individual therapy to support myself during this difficult time which really helped. Do look for a counsellor/therapist who understands the adoption process.

Couples counselling - after a period of individual therapy so my mind was clear about my wants and needs.

Giving myself as much self care as possible for me it was exercising, taking the dog out by myself and with LO so that my partner and I had some breathing space. My partner ended up going away for a few days each week (perhaps not possible for you at present).

Discussing with partner what their ideal future looks like.

We allowed the adoption order to go through and then started the process of divorce.

Our main focus was on LO's happiness so we tried to be as amicable as possible when living together.

More self care.

Lots more support from very close friends and family.

I still have individual therapy to support me during the divorce.

Look after yourself. These are such difficult times that we live in. 💐

GratitudeGoddess it sounds like you have weathered this storm. How are you now? Did you and your partner work out the child care OK between you or did you use some kind of mediator. Please don't feel you need to answer if you would rather not.