When did you start to feel that parental attachment?

[user1479136681]

I still feel like I'm babysitting someone else's kid. When did you feel like your LO was actually 'yours'?

DD used to have a complete meltdown - to the point I had to stop the car - EVERY SINGLE DAY at one point on the way home from pre-school... because she had held it together all day, and a few minutes later it would all just burst out.

That’s my boy! The week before lockdown he wasn’t coping and the behaviour would last hours. Biting, spitting, wrecking the house before and after nursery. He didn’t go til he was 4 and only went from August til lockdown so it’s all new to him. Now we have school without transition... I’m worried about him but everyone says he will be fine. I wish people just knew him the way I did. Plus, it’s my job to worry!

@121sarah121 I understand what you are saying but it is just one theory (or which they are many) that isn't exactly right - there aren't many theories - try not to ignore out of hand what i have said, give it some thought, it was written in response to what you wrote. Most research about child development is reasonably consistent, but it can be hard to apply the right thing. It is a total waste of my time to be on this thread advising if I am going to be dismissed out of hand though, so I won't offer more advice.

What if my son has become dysregulated due to the intensity of his emotions and has triggered the fight response? Regardless of what I say, he will never hear a word due to the language part of the brain being shut down? As I say, I responded to the situations you wrote about.

@Allington there is no point in looking at the vast majority of psychologists and parenting advice if you are parenting a child who has experienced significant trauma

The reading which adopters are asked to do focuses on trauma and attachment, which are specialist areas of a broad knowledge base. I think that there are two major problems with this:

1. If the specialist knowledge can be put into context in relation to an awareness of child development/child psychology then it is dangerous, likely to be misunderstood, misapplied.
2. Although some of the reading recommendations are written by psychiatrists/psychologists, much of it is not, and the latter is also dangerous.

There are many problems with adoption training, and the above are key problems, in my opinion. Trauma has a long term - in some cases permanent - effect on brain structure and chemistry, as discussed by experts in the field such as Dan Hughes, Bessel van der Kolk, the Center for the Developing Child and other internationally known psychologists/psychiatrists Kolk, Dan Siegel, Hughes, and all the others, talk about recovery. They also talk about the importance of human connection/love in relation to recovery as well as in relation to normal development. You are not only parenting a traumatised child, you are parenting a developing child. The trauma and attachment problems are one aspect, one part of the jigsaw. It is not possible to understand their impact or how to help the child recover unless you are able to put their needs in context in relation to development as a whole. This is what psychologists with the right expertise/psychiatrists do.

@Allington I didn't refer to warm and fuzzy in my posts above, but i have thought about it and just for comparison, on your average day with my primary aged dc, I feel warm and fuzzy:

• last thing at night when reading together in bed
• whenever we have a hug during the day, initiated by them or by me
• whenever they do something altruistic, kind, loving, thoughtful or funny, or when they are doing something and just look really happy - like running around outside or something.

I would have to say that the vast majority of time in terms of actual time they don't listen, are slow to do what they are told, get into trouble, indulge in mad escapades when I am not looking which are sometimes dangerous, demanding, and during those times I feel anything from impatient, resigned, irritated, confused, exhausted, drained to occasional rage!

I think I am fairly average with all this, judging by what friends with children say.

Thinking about, yes I do think warm and fuzzy is a good thing. But it wasn't what I was referring to above.

I meant:

"1. If the specialist knowledge can't be put into context in relation to an awareness of child development/child psychology then it is dangerous, likely to be misunderstood, misapplied"
I put "can" not "can't"

Just two more things going back to previous posts, then I am going to leave the thread:

1. In relation to manipulation a child doing something likely to get a particular response won't be done in an adult way, where there is forethought and responsibility. If their behaviour feels manipulative in the sense that they are not asking for something directly, then as a pp has said it might be something they have done in the past to get their needs met, it might be that they are communicating that their needs are still not being met.

1. To help children with autonomy - this was requested upthread - a key thing is giving your dc choices. If your dc find choices hard then start small, but it will need focus from you over time to consciously build it up. In addition I think by taking time every day to focus on talking to them about their thoughts and feelings, starting at a really basic level, choosing subjects in relation to which they can readily identify likes, dislikes, preferences, and compare their thoughts and feelings to yours, validate both, and over time things will progress to them being able to talk about more complicated things, analyse. From here you can gently encourage autonomy and autonomous thought. If the parenting methods which have been recommended to you up to this point have been along the lines of limiting choices, controlling expectations, then this will have produced children who cannot or will not think for themselves, who may not be aware of who they are, their thoughts and feelings.

@schmockle I have found your comments very interesting and insightful.

Thank you modelcitizen I appreciate it!