What does transactional mean?
I care for them a lot. I love them in my way. I would never see any physical harm come to them.
But, to me, our relationship is hard work and I am frustrated with them a lot of the time. They both have working memory issues and have literally no ‘cause and effect’. They cannot think for themselves (they come to me for every decision - never their Dad no matter how many times I ask them - and never learn from their actions. It is incredibly frustrating. I am sure that frustration must be ‘transmitted’ to them no matter how hard I try to temper it and they get a negative narrative much of the time.
It’s not helped by the fact that, when it’s in their interests, they act in advance of their ages, not years and years behind it. It makes me wonder if they really are struggling, or just manipulative. Others (with experience of adoption and differences in chronological vs emotional age) have commented, without prompting, that they think it’s the latter.
I get little to no joy from parenting them. There are no ‘proud mum’ moments. I fear for their future because I cannot see how one of them will ever live independently. it’s just really hard work for little ‘reward’ (in the relationship sense).
And, looking at our kids issues compared with others, we’re some of the fortunate ones. Only that means people don’t always ‘get it’ as much as they would if, say, our kids were violent (I don’t wish for that of course, but is another hurdle... having to convince at every turn how hard it is sometimes).
I’ve never had that ‘burst’ of love. I never will now, I know.