It’s not helped by the fact that, when it’s in their interests, they act in advance of their ages, not years and years behind it. It makes me wonder if they really are struggling, or just manipulative.
I think that’s very common in children who have experienced early trauma, neglect and abuse. You don’t say how old your DC are and how old they were at placement but my two were older (4 and 6) and I recognise the sometimes seeming to act older than their years. My DD particularly has processing difficulties which mean cause and effect/consequences is very difficult for her to understand and retain. And yet at other times she can negotiate like a pro. It feels manipulative, and probably is to some extent in that she had years of having to manipulate people into feeding her, or meeting any of her needs. I hold that constantly in mind that for her life has been about doing whatever she could to just get enough food, or to be acknowledged in any way amongst a group of siblings all trying to do the same. She won’t unlearn that easily and will always revert back to that behaviour when she feels unsafe - it kept her alive at one point.
I see times when she seems to be manipulative as signs that she’s struggling - the two aren’t mutually exclusive, and I know it’s not her intent to manipulate, her intent is to have her perceived needs met - there’s no malice in it.
I don’t however see our relationship as transactional - I really struggled to like her early on, and love has come slowly and sometimes our relationship can be quite volatile but she is mine. I see parts of myself in her and can see her strengths, the things that set her apart and make her loveable. I love her, but I needed to actively look for the signs that she’s struggling rather than labelling her behaviour as manipulative, or defiant or malicious.
The bottom line is that she can’t do the “serve and return” because what was served to her was shit in every way and it’s not her job to fix that. And I need to accept that her “return” might not look like good behaviour, or understanding cause and effect, or managing tasks that others her age can do easily.
There’s a theory that attractive children are more resilient because they are more likeable and so get more positive strokes. The “serve and return” theory perpetuates that, and there’s probably some truth in it - my DS is much easier to love because he has a more reciprocal approach to relationships, he was removed at a much earlier age than my DD and his experience in foster care was much better (probably because he was easier).
I get the frustration, and how hard it is - my DD is always at my back, always needing direction, always in physical contact and it’s so tiring - while I’m answering one question she already moved on to the next thing and is asking something else, she rarely listens to an explanation before she’s off doing the thing and making mistakes. She has no sense of risk or personal danger and needs watched constantly. I have to bite my tongue a hundred times a day, sometimes I have to walk out of the room I’m so frustrated with her
And other folk don’t understand because she looks ok, a bit needy but ok because she can mask for Britain. And “all children do that”, all children do bits of it at different times but not to the extent she does, or with the intensity. And the sign for me that attachment is growing is that she lets me see that part of her because I know that when her behaviour is at its most challenging, it’s because she feels at her most vulnerable.
And if that knowledge doesn’t drive care, compassion and love for her I don’t know what would.