Friend struggling with the idea that I want to adopt a child after already having my own.

[april74]

One of my best friends is driving me barmy. My dh and I have been approved to adopt and waiting the phone call, but I am really being driven barmy by my friend who has openly admitted to me that she doesn't "get" why I would want to adopt after having my ds almost 8 years ago.

I do appreciate her honesty, and I have told her I don't appreciate some of her phrasing, ie what will you do when your ds and your new child has an argument, surely you'll be on ds side as he is yours" She says its good that she is honest as she is saying what most of the people in my life are thinking anyway.

She admits she fell in love with both her kids within minutes/hours of them being born, and can not understand how I could begin to love another child anywhere near as much as I my ds, I suffered horrendous PND and openly admit that I did not love ds for almost a year, I was fond of him and did everything I needed to look after him, but when he started to develope his little personality thast when I fell completely in love with him.

I can see the friendship going cold when I adopt, I don't want my ds to be the natural one v's my adopted child, I will love them both and they are both my children, rehardless of how they got to me.

Don't really know what the point of this post os for, I guess just asking if others have had comments from friends.

I was adopted by my mum and dad who already had 2 sons of their own..

At no time did I ever feel as though I wasn't loved as much as my brothers, and at no time did my brothers ever say anything to me about it..

I grew up feeling very special and chosen, in a very loving environment..

Some people can't understand how you can love another child as much as your own - but I am living proof that you can..

I know my parents loved every inch of me (sadly they have both passed away now, but I thank them with all my heart for chosing me)..

No idea what to say to your friend - I am sure she isn't the only one to feel like this - some people just don't understand.

Maybe in time she will see that it makes no difference and just accept it - if not time to kick her to the kerb...

Hope the phone call comes soon for you...

Thanks for you post.

I hope so too, its been a long wait, but will be worth it

How exciting! I hope your friend comes round to the idea soon and can be more supportive.

Also alot of people don't know how they will love their second child after the first until they have that child. Each child comes with it's own love and love doesn't work like maths. The more you love the more love you have. It doesn't divide.

I don't have a birth child so don't have a point of comparison but I would explain to her that you fall in love with your birth children instantly (if you do and not everyone does) because of a hormone produced at birth which wears off over time. Did she fall out of love with her children when this hormone wore off? No, because you develop a new and lasting bond instead of the chemical fix - adoption bonding is like that only wihout the chemical fix at the beginning!

I did have many strange comments from friends and family. You just need to be clear with her that this is a friendship altering problem if she can't deal with it.

Whether anyone else is thinking it or not is irrelevant. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. Whether she approves or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is can she treat your children the same, if I were in your position I would have a zero tolerance approach to this kind of comment. I have got much more assertive about saying to people "you may have a right to an opinion but you don't have the right to continue voicing it to me".

I would also ask her what she thinks she is going to accomplish by her comments? Because the only end result will be the end of a friendship if she cannot deal with your decision.

Ooh, well said Kewcumber.

I don't know what age group you've been approved for April, but the child is likely to be speaking and understanding and you definitely don't want your friend to be saying anything like that within his/her hearing.

I hope your wait isn't too long. We've just applied to adopt for a second time and we're hoping it won't be a 2 year wait after approval like last time.

Quite agree with Kewcumber. My younger bro and his wife have two adopted children (bio siblings, although adopted separately). My oldest bro's wife said (to me, not them!) "I don't understand how people can adopt, it must be like wearing someone else's clothes". As my mum put it "it's a good job not everyone feels like that, isn't it?".

I do wonder what the point of her comments are, she may think it's 'good' that she is honest, but having made the point once, I think she should shut the hell up!

Hi

I just want to say that I think its Brilliant that you are adopting, and I don't agree with your friend that what she is saying is "what most of the people in your life are thinking anyway." I would think most people would be full of admiration.

My ds now 8 months was born through ivf and if we are unable to have another child, we may well consider adoption. I am not one of those people who fell in love with my child the moment he was born, and I didnt expect to (I dont do that with me either!). My relationship with him has grown over time, as it has done with his father, and I think thats how it should be!

I wish you all the best with your adoption.

whoops, meant "men" not "me" in phrase in brackets!

Hello,
i had 3 birth children and then adopted twice, i love all 5 of my children exactly the same and i have had relatives favour my birth children--- i told them either treat them all the same or dont see them at all!!!

i have told all 5 of my babies (aged from 20 yrs --7 yrs) that they were ALL planned and wanted.

hope this helps xxx

many thanks for all your replies.

It really does make me feel good to read them.

She is the kind of friend who has 2 sides, when she is great she is fab, but has this flip side that annoys me, but she has lots of issues from her own childhood that I try to see past.

I have asked for the child ages to be 4 or under as I would love a year bonding with them before school.

The wait is hard, we have been waiting for 5 months now and I know compared to some thats not long, but ds is desperate to be a big brother.

I will imagine I will extremely protective over my new child, (as I am with ds) and wouldn't tollerate any negative comments.

Luckily close family all seem to be on board and looking forward too.

April, i have to say, i think you are amazing. I know nothing about adoption or your reasons for wanting to adopt but if there weren't people like you there would be a lot of very lonely children festering in care homes or posted from one foster family to another.

Of coures there is an issue, for me at least, that you already have your own child, but that is ME, not you. You have been accepted for adoption and i would imagine you have thought long and hard about this and found yourself in the position to be able to offer a loving home to a child in need. I don't personally think i could adopt, full stop, its just not something i feel i could do, so i have nothing but admiration for someone who wants to do this.

I guess don't be too hard on your friend for not understanding, it is because she feels she couldnt do it herself, but she should keep those opinions to herself. If you were my friend i would have been interested in how you would feel about your new child, however i would accept your answer as i am sure you have settled this own issue in your head already for youself.

The very best of luck with everything, i wish you every happiness

having now read the other posts, i agree with everyone here, someone made a very good point re the second biological child too. I often wondered how i would find this in comparison to the first, of course i loved her just as much. once again, best of luck

april, can I just jump in and ask something separate from the line of your thread? Why is there a wait after apprvoval? Is it to be sure they can find the best possible 'match up' between parents and child? Sorry, I have no clue about adoption but it is something that is at the back of my mind. (I have three children but have a bit of a feeling I'd like another, eventually.)

yes the wait is to find the best match possible for our family.
As we already have 1 ds, this limits us on what child we can have, what I mean is if we had no children then we would be able to take on a much more challaging (for want of a better word) child as we would have much more time to devote to them, although we know a new arrival will bring chaos and mayhem anyway, the social worker and us want it kept to a minimum for ds sake. I hope this came out right.

I know my friend could never do it and thats the reason for her comments, she likes to make her point and then mention it a million times incase I not got the point. I am hoping she will settle down when the child arrives.

I know people who have adopted after having their own.

Tell her to mind her own beeswax. Refuse to discuss it. It's nothing to do with her. And hope you get the call soon

April74, I have nothing but admiration for anyone who is willing to give a child a family and love them as their own.
Personally, I would tell the friend that her comments are unhelpful, and that what you need from her is her support.
She can decide whether she is able to offer it or not-there will be plenty who will support you.

This is like everything in life, some people can do it and some can't, its a good thing that we are not all the same!! Its like I can't understand any couple not wanting children as the urge to have them was very strong for me, but I would never be tactless enough to question why they don't want them.

I wish you lots of luck. My dh and I have been thinking about adoption and we have 2 children of our own. We always wanted more but I had to have fertility treatment to have them and as I am 42 now I know I will never have any more biological children but I still would like more children and my dh and I still have lots of love to give (as do my children as they are pretty keen on the idea too).

I have a friend who has 1 biological child and 2 adopted siblings and if she didn't tell you, you would never know as they are all treated and loved equally by her, her dh and all of their family and they are well rounded and happy kids.

I hope the wait is not too long for you.

When I was a child it was quite common for families to adopt even if they already had children themselves (ie not-adopted). A very good friend of mine was adopted and then his mum went on to give birth to 3 children. Tbh when he was a teenager I think my friend did go a bit wobbly about being adopted - he is very different to his siblings, both in looks and personality. However he now has a very good relationship with his parents and siblings. I have only met his mum a few times and it is very clear she absolutely adores him.... hth

April74; a different perspective. I have 2 adopted siblings and no birth siblings. Please please adopt a zero tolerance approach to people who try to differentiate between your children as some will. My sisters are my sisters period. I find it very upsetting when people say to me they are not my "real" or " natural" siblings. I know birth siblings who have absolutely nothing in common, yet people who don't know our family history comment on how alike we all are. The fact is people will make comments and I suppose they don't realise how hurtful they are. When I was expecting DS an aunt said to my mum that she must be so excited at the prospect of her first "real " grandchild, despite the fact that my sisters had already had 5 kids between them. You will be the child's real mother who nurtures, loves and cares for it and I wish you all the luck in the world.

just to say, keep us posted - would love to know how you get on hope your wait isnt too long.

I am amazed that people can be so thoughtless etc

I have never ever had any one comment to me re the fact the I was adopted and my brothers were not..

I talked about it to my mum when I needed to, but it has never be discussed with my brothers or family friends etc..

The only way I think I am different is that now I have lost both my parents and although I feel close to my brothers - I have no feelings as such for our family tree etc, ie sorting out stuff at my parents house I wasn't interested in the family treasurers etc

I kind of feel that my family only started with my parents and not their parents etc (although perhaps it is because my grandparents died when I was 11 or so) but I am just not interested in our family history as I don't feel as though it is my history..

I hope that makes some sense to someone!

Just wanted to say that I think what you are doing is wonderful. I can totally understand why people adopt & its great that you are able to care for a child that doesn't have a family around to love, nurture & support.
I wish you the best of luck with everything & hope your friend begins to realise why adopotion is so special & such a wonderful thing to do

april74 -- i have no personal experience with this but I thought that you might be interested in reading this article:

nymag.com/news/features/35817/

best of luck!