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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Friend struggling with the idea that I want to adopt a child after already having my own.

67 replies

april74 · 09/09/2007 08:38

One of my best friends is driving me barmy. My dh and I have been approved to adopt and waiting the phone call, but I am really being driven barmy by my friend who has openly admitted to me that she doesn't "get" why I would want to adopt after having my ds almost 8 years ago.

I do appreciate her honesty, and I have told her I don't appreciate some of her phrasing, ie what will you do when your ds and your new child has an argument, surely you'll be on ds side as he is yours" She says its good that she is honest as she is saying what most of the people in my life are thinking anyway.

She admits she fell in love with both her kids within minutes/hours of them being born, and can not understand how I could begin to love another child anywhere near as much as I my ds, I suffered horrendous PND and openly admit that I did not love ds for almost a year, I was fond of him and did everything I needed to look after him, but when he started to develope his little personality thast when I fell completely in love with him.

I can see the friendship going cold when I adopt, I don't want my ds to be the natural one v's my adopted child, I will love them both and they are both my children, rehardless of how they got to me.

Don't really know what the point of this post os for, I guess just asking if others have had comments from friends.

OP posts:

startouchedtrinity · 10/09/2007 14:11

lol kewcumber - my mother is always telling my dcs how lucky they are to have me as their mother but I know full well in 20 yrs time they'll all be on here posting about how I've screwed them up!

LoveAngel · 10/09/2007 17:15

Hi april74.
I hope to adopt one day - I am also already a 'biological mum'. I also suffered from PND and didn't have the instant bond with my son - more a strong wish to protect him and care for him, rather than a warm, fuzzy, lovey feeling. Because of my experience, I think I have learned that being a mother isn't necessarily about a hormonal surge of 'love'. You make a commitment to a child (hether that child is biological or adopted, the commitment is the same), you see it through and the love grows and grows.
Your friend may have different experiences and different views, and that's fine. I agree it is important to discuss these things openly and honestly with the people close to you. But there comes a time when she must accept your decision and support you through this if you are to remain friends. I hope she makes the right choice.
Good luck.

KristinaM · 30/09/2007 18:55

April - do you have any news yet from SS? have you been enquiring about waiting children in other areas? And how are things with your friend?

UCM · 30/09/2007 18:59

You sound like a very lovely woman. As the younger adopted child (sister is their bio daughter) I can honestly say that I have never once felt less loved. Not ever. My parents consider me as their own which when you think about it, I am. Someone gave birth to me, but they didn't feed/look after me through illness, share my firsts, nurture me through life etc etc. Perhaps you should let her read this thread and then maybe, she will understand.

UCM · 30/09/2007 19:10

I posted before I read your posts Kewcumber. But I truly do think that people who adopt children are special and wonderful. If it wasn't for people like April & you, I may have had a really horrible life in homes without a Mum & Dad to drive mad and my poor big sister who was bereft, because when they told her she was getting a surprise, she thought it was a puppy . I am truly grateful to my parents for being such special people and having so much love in their hearts, that they shared it with me (going all wet eyed now)

Lots of people who can't have children naturally wouldn't dream of adopting as they, as is their right, wouldn't want to bring up a strangers child. Thank God, not everyone thinks this way.

NappyChange · 01/10/2007 08:34

My M&D had 5 of their own, then they adopted me. I am the luckiest girl alive. THey are no longer with us but i thank god for the 30 years I had with them. My sisters are fantastic. We argue, squabble, laugh - like any other family.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2007 09:52

UCM. happy for you to tell me that I am both special and wonderful but honestly (and I bet your parents would say the same) I get far more out of DS than any normal person has a right to expect. Issy said on one thread some time ago that people who adopt are different, not necessarily special or wonderful but that we do see the world slightly differntly in a way I can't put my finger on and she may be right.

I also believe that many people who have birth children love their children so intensely that they can't imagine loving a non-birth child as much. But its a bit like trying for a second child when you already have one. You just can't imagine loving another child as much as the one you have already. But you can and you do.

That said, of course I am rather special and wonderful for so many other reasons I wouldn't even know where to start...

Original poster

april74 · 01/10/2007 12:25

Friend hasn't said much, perhaps my last little chat worked.

Sw has said that there could be a child, but not telling us any details as its in the early stages so keeping fingers crossed.

Its been a long journey, and I know we still have a way to go, but certain it will be wort it in the end.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 01/10/2007 13:38

ooh ooh cautiously exciting, April...

jhyesmum · 01/10/2007 13:50

I think what you are doing is wonderful. Sod what other people/friends think.

You are giving a child a second chance and to me that is just amazing.

You and your DH must be very very special people and i wish all the luck in the world.

Elasticwoman · 01/10/2007 20:51

Sorry do not have time to read whole thread, but OP you are not doing anything unusual, as your friend is implying. My ds is v good friends at school with another boy age 7 who is adopted, and whose parents have an older child of their own (she is 11). Although I did ask the mother why she chose to adopt rather than have her own, I totally understood her reasons and don't think she took offence at the question. I think she and her dh are great parents - the more so because they have adopted, and I don't see any difference in the way they treat each child. The adoptive mother seems to have just the same concerns about her ds as I have about mine, and I often think how lucky the little boy is to have been adopted by that couple.

I'm sure you'll be a great adoptive parent too.

UndercoverWitch · 01/10/2007 21:03

Do you know what really really annoys me. When the press talk about 'for instance' the cruises children. It's always Nicloles 'adopted' son/daughter. Same for Lenny/Dawn Henry, their daughter is always described as 'adopted'. It's wrong.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2007 22:08

I'm with you there undercoverwitch - have said it before myself. Pisses me off no end.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2007 22:09

if DS is ever refereed to as my "adopted" DS I shall call their children "your vaginally delivered DD"

mumlou · 20/10/2007 11:33

Hi April,
Like you, my husband and I have 2 biological sons of our own and for many reasons we have been discussing the options of adoption for the last year. I feel as though most people I have spoken to have always focused on the negative issues (we have as yet not contacted SW but hope to do so soon). It seems that people frown upon the fact that we have our own children and why would we possibly want to adopt! Ive even been made to feel that I am being 'greedy' and that there are plenty of couples with no children waiting to adopt...

Surely it does not matter if you have children or not but it matters that you feel as a family that both the parents and the child adopted will benefit from offering any child something that they may never have...

Is there some way you can contact me so that we could have a chat? I'd be really interested to hear your story and very grateful..

mossycow · 22/10/2007 18:19

I found this thread really useful - we've just given birth to a baby girl now 8 weeks and we're really hoping to adopt/foster in the future.

Always wondered about how the dynamics would be though any doubts come from what others have said.

Was good to hear others point of view. Hope, April, stuff goes well with getting kids soon.

orangehead · 22/10/2007 18:31

How awful of your friend. It isnt what other people are thinking. I think it is brilliant you adopting, its true that it takes a speacial person to do it and you and dp obviously are. I would tell your friend that you appreciate her being honest but as you are already aware of her feeling and you accept what she feels you really need some support now, as Im sure it must be an emotionally time. If she cant do that she isnt a true friend and probably time to re-evaluate the friendship. I hope you get the call soon and the best of luck

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