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Original poster

Friend struggling with the idea that I want to adopt a child after already having my own.

67 replies

april74 · 09/09/2007 08:38

One of my best friends is driving me barmy. My dh and I have been approved to adopt and waiting the phone call, but I am really being driven barmy by my friend who has openly admitted to me that she doesn't "get" why I would want to adopt after having my ds almost 8 years ago.

I do appreciate her honesty, and I have told her I don't appreciate some of her phrasing, ie what will you do when your ds and your new child has an argument, surely you'll be on ds side as he is yours" She says its good that she is honest as she is saying what most of the people in my life are thinking anyway.

She admits she fell in love with both her kids within minutes/hours of them being born, and can not understand how I could begin to love another child anywhere near as much as I my ds, I suffered horrendous PND and openly admit that I did not love ds for almost a year, I was fond of him and did everything I needed to look after him, but when he started to develope his little personality thast when I fell completely in love with him.

I can see the friendship going cold when I adopt, I don't want my ds to be the natural one v's my adopted child, I will love them both and they are both my children, rehardless of how they got to me.

Don't really know what the point of this post os for, I guess just asking if others have had comments from friends.

OP posts:
maryz · 09/09/2007 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startouchedtrinity · 09/09/2007 22:07

april, I think you are doing a wonderful thing and I wish so much joy. Your poor friend has no idea and I think the oth erposters are probably right in that this will change your freindship, but then it doesn't sound like much of a loss if she cannot understand where you are coming from.

bubblagirl · 09/09/2007 22:09

i want to congartulate you also for what you are doing i have ds 2.4 and would love to in the future adopt or even foster i dont feel i would love my ds more than another child but i think i have been blessed to have my own child and some parents dont get that chance once and i have

and i also feel there are soo many deserving little children out there of all ages who deserve to experience the love of a family regardless of who want to adopt gay, straight, single or married wht does it matter if that child grows up knowing they were loved i feel i will definatly at some time in the future consider this as i have alot of love to give to everyone not just my own

i hope you get a litle one soon and bring alot of joy to each other

KristinaM · 09/09/2007 22:16

i agree with everyone else regarding the " no tolerance" approach to what she says in front of your child/children

however i think it might help your freindship if she could talk about WHY she feels like this. remember this is her attitude and her problem. she obviously has "issues" from her past. do you have any idea what they are?? eg does she have adopted or step siblings or other family members? has her her DH been married befroe?

i think its much like all the other times that people make inappropriate comments to us as parenst. the person who says "oh you must be so disappointed to have had another girl" isnt actually saying anything about how the parenst might feel - its about how they think they woudl feel in that situation, its about their hang ups. that's why your friend believes she is just saying what everyone else is thinking. she is not, she just wants to think that she is.

you might get less upset by her if you can think about it like this. i knwo its hard as its a very vulnerable time for you and your family and you need support from those around you. Its easy to say " well if you cant support us then we cant be friends" but you said that she is one of your close friends and it might be worth the effort to help her think through this a bit IYSWIM

after all, as KC posted on another thread, presumably she loves her Dh and she didnt give birth to him. the love came as the relationship grew - same as most adopted families

Kewcumber · 09/09/2007 22:21

Ummmm......

Kewcumber · 09/09/2007 22:22

KC thinks very carefully about how to put this....

Kewcumber · 09/09/2007 22:22

because after all it is April's thread...

Kewcumber · 09/09/2007 22:32

Can I just tactfully say to some posters that if you ever have friends who adopt, please don't say to them that they are "doing a wonderful thing" or anything along those lines.

I'm only speaking personally of course but its one of the things that is guaranteed to wind me up (along with "what a lucky boy DS is").

I am the lucky one, DS could have been adopted by someone else and I wouldn't have had the priviledge of being able to raise him. There isn't a week that goes by still when I don't thank whichever God was looking over me when he came to me.

And whatever sadness I feel for not being able to conceive and give birth is easily compensated by the special gift that is my son. It's an incredible and rare event that you have the opportunity to take a complete stranger into your life and end up loving them more than your own life. I sometimes even find myself feeling sorry for people who will never know what that feels like!

grannyslippers · 09/09/2007 22:35

I don't want to interrupt KC's train of thought but my reaction was similar to Kristina - people do say the most thoughtless things, but once there is a real child in the frame they may well turn out to be really supportive. It may help to give her some more appropriate vocabulary (such as "birth child" etc) but I give up trying to explain anything more indepth to people.

People who have not been through all the prep do not know how to put things in an appropriate way or what adoption is like these days. It's worth making it clear that there will be no "X is your real child" going on, but you will need your friends around you when littly arrives. When they will all fall in love with him/her, on sight.

Yes KC I agree, I was not a wonderful person but a desperate one!

Kewcumber · 09/09/2007 22:35

heifer I can absolutely identify with your disinterit in your inherited roots. I am very interested in my family history but I doubt that DS will have the same fascination except perhaps to the extent that some of the people made me what I am (and I rather hope he might be interested in who I am )

I think it's perfectly normal. It is still your history because of its impact on your paretns (and hence you) but I can see why you wouldn't have a particular burning desire for it.

Kewcumber · 09/09/2007 22:38

grannyslippers not much of a train of thought to interrupt - I had already run out of steam!

It is true that I have have no peculiar comments post-adoption. A few inappropriately worded ones but I have less of an issue with that as I agree most people don't have an "adoption vocabulary". But I certainly haven't had any of the "how brave" "how selfish" "how odd" commetns since DS arrived. They are generally all too busy cooing over him!

maryz · 10/09/2007 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nightynight · 10/09/2007 00:09

april - your choice seems perfectly natural to me. Not sure where your friend is coming from.

startouchedtrinity · 10/09/2007 09:52

kewcumber, I am sorry if I offended you, but it does seem a wonderful thing - not in a charitable, isn't-she-brave way, but in an exciting, new family sort of a way - just as having any child is. It seems a shame for april to let her friend spoil the moment.

startouchedtrinity · 10/09/2007 09:55

Btw I agre with the 'what a lucky boy' thing - that must drive you nuts. My dcs certainly aren't lucky but I am and that surely goes for every family.

KristinaM · 10/09/2007 10:25

I kwno i am speaking for Kc here, but i dont think she was offended. i think she was just trying to tactfully say that although the sentiment is appreciated, its just that the wording makes adoptive parents cringe a bit

but we know that most people just want to say "congratulations, i am so happy for you " etc etc etc and are just searching for the right words

heifer · 10/09/2007 10:45

Just want to add - that I certainly feel lucky that I was adopted.....

I don't think I could have had a better childhood than the one I got..

So maybe it is ok for people to think how lucky the child is - I would take it as a compliment as the comments may be coming from people that geniunly feel that the child is lucky to be coming into such a wonderful loving family..

I know that is how I feel..

LilRedWG · 10/09/2007 10:46

We plan to adopt when DD is a little older. Any friends or family who cannot accept our second child as much as our first can take a hike!

goingfor3 · 10/09/2007 10:50

I'm really shocked by your friends comments. Good luck with the adoption.

Kewcumber · 10/09/2007 11:06

Kristina is absolutely right STT I wasn't offended - but have been the brunt of too many "how brave" "how good of you" comments and probably see them even if they're not meant that way. People are (generally) trying to say the right thing in real life when they make these kind of comments, I was trying in a slightly hamfisted way to save fellow adopters from the "aren't you selfless" style comments when all that usually needs to be said is "congratulations, how exciting".

I think I am probably over-sensitive to it as I lost a friend over my adoption very bizarrely when I sent her a note in her Christmas card telling her that I was adopting. I never heard from her again (this was 3/4 years ago) and a mutual friend asked her why she hadn't even sent me a Xmas card and she said "oh I didn't know what to say" . How bizarre is that!

Heifer - if my DS grows up to feel lucky to have been adopted by me, I would be thrilled. However I don't allow people (sometimes complete strangers, sometimes close family) to say (or imply) that he somehow ought to feel grateful. He has no obligation to feel anything of the sort - he was the only person involved who had no choice in his adoption and I think it would be a bit rich for those of us who did have choices to feel he should be somehow be beholden to us for those choices.

I have developed a bit of a taste for declaiming my views on someone else's thread I think

Doodledootoo · 10/09/2007 11:12

Message withdrawn

heifer · 10/09/2007 11:33

Kew, fair enough comment - I just wanted to try to explain why other people might feel that he is lucky etc..

I guess I would feel that anyone was lucky to be adopted - because of the great experience I have with it, and the chances are that the adoptee will have a much better life because they are adopted etc.

But you are right - it is not something that the adoptee should be made to feel..

chocabloc · 10/09/2007 11:39

you are doing a fantastic thing, i wnat to do that in the future! maybe she should ressearvh the subject, it is ur life after all! i met a lady with 8 kids on hols in the dom republic, and hse adopted a dominican child (3 years old) its very difficult, language barriers, etc, and she still hasnt got him after 2 years! you go for it! all the luck in the world!

Kewcumber · 10/09/2007 13:16

I do understand Heifer. I just hate the thought that anyone would want their DC's to feel "lucky" to have them as parents, it seems so un-natural to me as a parent. I secretly hope that he will entirely take me for granted until he is much older and wiser with children of his own and will then realise how truly marvellous I am/was . That feels much more natural!

3andnomore · 10/09/2007 13:26

April, what a shame you are getting so little support from your friend.
I think it's a wonderful thing that you are going to give another child a better chance in life.
I openly admit, that I personally, don't think, I could love an adopted child as much as I do my own....which is why I , personally, would NOT adopt....but that is my own hang up and I am very well aware that other people are very able to give as much love for an adopted child as they would/do to their birth child...and I think it's fabulous that other people have such big hearts.
I hope that makes sense...and best of luck!