Adoption placement, please help

[Suzybells]

Hello, I am hoping not to get judged for this but I feel at breaking point, and need advice or to know if other have been through this. We are heading into our 3rd week of Placement with two siblings age 1 and 5. My husband is amazing but I'm not coping, I keep crying and can't stop and have to go and hide in my room. Iv caught a virus on top of that so very run down. My husband goes back to work on Monday and I don't know how I am going to manage alone. Our eldist is very demanding on our attention, all part of the bonding which is great but I feel drained and very broken. I don't know how I'm going to do it alone. I haven't been able to stop crying for the last hour and don't know what to do.

Sorry to hear your having a hard time. I'm sure you have read other adopters on here say they really struggle in the first few months let alone weeks! You also have the added stress of two!

Can your husband take another week off while you recover from the virus? I think you should speak with your SW too as you may benefit for more advice and support. Don't be afraid to take a break from them when you can. It's a huge change for everyone and this is a lot to deal with.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Thank you. I hope so too. Iv never been one to suffer with my mental/emotional health so it's a shock to the system. Unfortunately my husband has no holidays left at all. So can't take any time of work, as it would be unpaid and as he's the bread winner it's not an option. It's just something I'm going to have to get used to.

Hi Suzybells. It’s definitely a challenging process, especially in the beginning, when you suddenly go from being alone with your partner to having two toddlers always chasing you and demanding your attention. It’s easy to lose your sense of individuality when you become a parent to two toddlers. Most of us have been through that, so you are not alone! Also, it doesn’t help that you are sick currently - it will make you more irritable and tired, which is really difficult to manage while being a parent.

Is your 5 year old not in school? When I was on adoption leave I used to take my two toddlers 2-hours each day to a creche and then I would go to the gym. That was definitely very healthy for my mind as each day I had a 2-hour break when I could just think about something else other than the kids. Also, even though we try to moderate how much time they spend watching TV each day, I let them watch TV when I need some space or there is something important I need to do in the house.

Toddlers are really hard work, so I understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. But please remember why you’ve decided to adopt them in the first place and that you will be able to shape them and raise them in your own way. Everything will get better! It will be hard work in the first few months, but things will improve as you settle as a family and get used to living with each other.

I hope you get better soon!

Also, there are lots of activities out there for 5 year olds (e.g. football, basketball, gymnastics, swimming). You can always enrol your 5 year old in some classes each week which will give you a bit of a break.

I used to find activities for my toddlers here (including ones that the 3 of us could do together) - hoop.co.uk/kids-classes/

I also used to take them to indoors soft play centres a lot, which also gave me some breaks.

Just a few ideas on how to keep them busy.

I literally had a daily plan written up on a kitchen cupboard, getting through the day in half-hour segments, when it was early in placement! You can do anything for half an hour. Watch them play with blocks etc. After the half hour, take a break (go for a wee or something wildly luxurious). Get outside every day even if it's only a trudge to he postbox or something. CBeebies is not an admission of failure, it can be a sanity-saver at suitable moments.

It is so, so tough and infinitely worse when you're feeling physically rough as well. Try to nourish yourself by eating good things that will help you recover. Drink a lot of tea (enables you to have few seconds respite in the kitchen often too). Try to remember what makes you smile, and how can you squeeze that in - I asked people to send me silly postcards because it cheered me up to receive them and then to see them pinned up. Are you in contact with any adopters such as from your prep course? If you can connect with them it will help with the isolation (if you don't know any, ask your SW to find you a buddy).

Hang in there, and as far as you can, take one day (or one half hour) at a time.

the first weeks are so hard, you have all had your life turned upside down, so firstly cut yourself some slack. Its very common for people to fall ill in the first weeks.

If your husband really can't take some more time off work ( does his employer not offer some emergency leave, can he call in sick for a few days?) then its time to call in your support network.

Don't get yourself stressed about housework, the TV is not the enemy, neither are fish fingers or chicken nuggets. Keep life simple and undemanding. Live day to day, hour by hour if necessary.
Its very early days for you all, you need to dig in and draw on your inner resources, and hand over to your husband when he gets home.
You will be OK.

It’s not the most helpful but you will get there. You are all strangers living together and that’s tough. You need to get to know each other.

My son was (and still can be) very demanding. He was 3 when he joined us (and I have a birth child who was 5 at the time). I couldn’t even go to the toilet without him! (Not an exaggeration. Ended up in a and e after 2 weeks because he couldn’t see me when I went to the toilet!!) it was tough. He couldn’t play. I spent months teaching him how to play. He loves sensory things. Play dough painting outdoors. He couldn’t watch tv either. Peppa pig was too long for his concentration!!

The way I got through it was going out every day. It at least gave me time driving where I didn’t need to entertain him. Sometimes I took very long routes to a nearby park! Walking in the woods was a good break. Thing was, he was still in a buggy (couldn’t walk the length of himself) so would walk for miles. Again, gave me a break.

I couldn’t do housework. After a few weeks I told him I have one job (apart from dishes and washing). Could be hoovering one day, clean bathroom the next. You get the idea. He would just watch me. However, the rest of the housework fell away and that’s just how it was/is. I struggled with this at first but I’ve come to accept its what he needed.

Another thing that got me through the day was taking photos on my phone. Anything remotely interesting he did I photographed it. Sitting scribbling with a pen, looking at a leaf, jumping in a puddle, pushing a car. Anything. When my husband got home I would show him. It usually started with “I’ve had an awful day but look at this...”. Before I knew it, I was smiling (even if the day was awful and I’d only taking one photo of him playing!)

Also, he couldn’t cope with me cooking. Even fish fingers were too much for him (smell of cooking was too much). I got my mum to make meals and I would defrost them in the morning and put them in the microwave. It relieved some of his stress. After a few months I could make fish fingers etc

Keep asking for help and support and talking about it. Look after yourself and rest when your husband is home.

It is really hard and I think, particularly after all those years to get there, that can be tough to realise. There are huge emotions flying around, for everyone.

At the heart of it are two terrified children who have had their world turned upside down. You don't have to be perfect, but you (and/or your husband) do have to be consistently there. I admit I was shocked to read JohnPA s advice.

Other posters have suggested breaking your day down and having some kind of structure. 1 and 5 can be a tricky gap for activities. Trips to the library, welly walks and yes, telly when you need it will do no harm.

Dig in and it will get easier. Be kind to yourself and just get through each half hour at a time.

Thanks EightWellies! Could you clarify exactly what was so shocking about my comment? We’re all here trying to help each other, so not sure that’s the best way of defining someone else’s experience.

It was the bit about putting newly placed children in a gym creche for two hours a day JohnPA . I'm not trying to be rude, I thought it was important to give my genuine reaction for the benefit of the OP and other new adopters who might read this. None of us are perfect, I'm certainly not, but I didn't feel I could let that advice stand without giving my point of view.

Well I think you comment was really disrespectful and my advice to you is that next time you focus on sharing your experience, instead of patronising others. I don’t have to explain my personal circumstances to you, but I spent a whole year with two toddlers at home. The decision that they should attend creche 2-hour each day was made by social workers and my family, taking into account the needs of our children and my family (including our psychological needs). Our boys were attending nursery when we adopted them and it was decided that it would be good for them to continue socialising with other children and to maintain their nursery routine to some extent. I didn’t mean to say that kids should attend creche or nursery as soon as they move in with you (this wouldn’t be accepted by social workers in any case). In our case this was decided 2 months after they had been living with us and it was actually something very healthy for our family. You may have different views, but please don’t judge others next time as we all have different circumstances and experiences which are all valid.

The first few weeks are monumentally hard, even harder with two! Is there anyway your husband can extend his leave for a week or two while you finish recovering?
Failing that, baby steps. I'd advise breaking the day down into small chunks, maybe using a visual timetable for your 5 year old depending what they can cope with.
Lots of cuddles if they'll tolerate that, walks outside in quiet areas, stories, play doh. I know it seems daunting but if you make it through each little section one at a time I found it more manageable.
You don't know each other yet so remember it will be difficult, give yourself time. Simply by being there you are doing enough.
My situation was somewhat different but I do remember about 3 weeks in my eldest clinging to me legs while I was trying to go to the bathroom and we both just cried.
Keep your expectations small and simple and keep posting on here.
It will get better.

I was you a few months ago. I think we all have that 'wtf have I done' moment a few days in. It does get a little easier but it takes time. I don't have too much advice as it's still early days for me too but getting out definitely helped me. Soft play in particular was good as it tired little one out and helped him to trust me (catching him in the ball bit etc.) You have my sympathies. In those early weeks, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus.

As I've said JohnPA, I wasn't trying to be rude, but my reaction to your advice is as valid an opinion - which is all each of us have - as any other. OP I was remembering in the early days of placement w DD1. I tried to give her a bottle, but I hadn't put the insert bit in and I got milk all down her. I cried and cried that I was an awful mother and couldn't possibly do this. It gets easier.

My DDs had been coming to me for (ever more extensive) respite for nearly 3 years, but when they were placed full time it was like being hit by a bus... it does get easier

For now, reduce the workload as much as possible, and reduce the expectations you have of yourself..

Funnelling is important, but so is everyone's mental health. One or 2 people coming over regularly for coffee and a chat with you, while the children are also there, is not a disaster. Prep then to keep their engagement with the children to a minimum, without ignoring them.

Also, ask for specific, time limited support from your network. E.g. one cooked meal/load of laundry per week for the next 4 weeks, or whatever would help with the practical side.

On-line shopping for the bulk of what you need, only go out for things that are manageable and make a useful trip out as a family (nearby, when the shop is quiet, for a couple of small things).

What is the plan for the 5 year old going back to school? For DD2, who was 5 at placement, going back to school was a real benefit to her - she had time away from the intensity of her relationship with me, could settle into the routine and be distracted from her thoughts and feelings. Of course, that was from a basis of a pre-existing relationship, but other adoptive parents of older children have said that the normality of a school routine and mixing with other children really helped their child settle - it depends on the child. If they enjoy school and having other children around then an early-ish return is worth thinking about.

Would your 5 year old snuggle up and watch a DVD with you when the 1 year old naps? So they have your physical contact, but you can shut your eyes and take a mental break.

How about a timer, and saying 'Mummy needs to rest for 5 minutes, and then we will do XYZ' and using the timer so they can see how long before they have your attention again? You can gradually increase the time.

Thank you everyone. Thought I was doing okay today then the one year old has had a melt down at lunch. My husband is with the children now while I pull myself together! The eldist goes back to school in January but social workers want it phased so starting with two days then build it up each week until she's there 5 days. I would love to be able to take them out, as the eldist loves going out but the little one has a melt down. Will only be carried, can't cope in the car for more than 5 minuests and a pram is even worse! It's hard as at foster familys they loved going out in the car and pram. The running theory is that little one thinks we are going to take them somewhere and leave them which is why he freeks out when we try to go out. I will try making a daily plan ans break things down into chunks as suggested. Fingers crossed once one is at school things will get easier. This has always been my dream to have two children, and worked so hard for it, I have to try and remind myself that. I know theses are two hurting confused little beans and I'm not trying to discount that or be selfish in anyway. They are both doing incredibly well bless them. They deserve better than a mummy having meltdowns, I'm working on it and will improve for them.

One of the main things I took from @Suzybells post is that she is ill and worried about her husband going back to work on Monday.

There is nothing wrong with @JohnPA s advice, other than its the end of term and Christmas. School isnt the best place for a newly placed child at Christmas, I don't think I'd want to be taking then out to crowded places with all sorts of sensory overload when I'm ill and struggling. But all perfectly reasonsable advice for after Christmas when at least the outside world has returned to normal.
To be honest I'm surprised the children were placed so close to Christmas, there are very good reasons not to. But they have been placed and thats it.
What suzybells need now is to be able to survive the next few weeks until she starts feeling better and more able to cope.
@Suzybells, there is no such thing as the perfect parent, we are all learning on the job and working out what works best for our children in our set of circumstances.
Its ok to go out and do things, or not, depending on how you feel able to cope with children of such vastly different needs. for what its worth, I don't think it would help to engage too much with the whole Christmas thing, keep it low key and simple when your husband or someone else is there to help. Stay warm, stick the TV on and lie on the sofa.
I spent literally hours ( days at the weekend) doing nothing with my son in the early days other than cuddle up on the sofa watching endless reruns of Paddington and Mr Benn. Though you would probably all benefit from a walk to the park or trip to the local shops if you can manage it to break things up.
My son was in school, cubs and swimming lessons within 6 weeks. It was right for us and his needs.
Suzybells you may get conflicting advice here and other forums. You take from it what you think will work for your family.
What we do all have in common is the experience of just how hard it can be. You aren't alone.

Early days are hard and exhausting. I was a single parent to 2 so there was just me which was so tough but in a way maybe easier cos I knew I had to cope, there was no choice of a break. I’m wondering if you’ll find when your husband is back at work it will be easier because there will be no choice but to get in and do it.
I agree getting out every day was essential for us too even if it was just for a little walk. Can you get a sling for the 1 year old?

The early weeks are very hard going especially with two who both have very competing needs.

I’d echo the advice to think about a sling for your littlest one - being physically close will help with bonding and might lessen the fear of being left somewhere. I’d take your 5 year old back in age a bit so thinking 3/4 rather than typical 5 year old - her understanding of what’s going on and her need to be close to you may be more typical for kids that age.

I think school for your 5 year old might be helpful - I know with my two the structure of school/nursery helped massively because it was familiar to them. I’d not drag out the phasing in process for too long because it just sets up another routine to be disrupted when she does go full time. I found it much easier to let my 6 year old go full time and keep the rest of her world very small, bedtimes early etc rather than have her adjust to yet another change.

In terms of the next few weeks, I’d keep Christmas small, quiet and very very flexible. So if dinner happens in pjs in front of the tv that’s fine, I’d put half their gifts away to open on Boxing Day/27th so they don’t get so overwhelmed. Make the whole thing simple and easy - you’ve got their whole lives to aim for magical.

I agree with having a schedule, half hour slots, include tv time where you can get a cup of tea. Don’t feel you need to entertain them all the time. I’d pop my two in a bath when it all got too much, they loved water and I could sit on the toilet and pretend not to cry. Get a bath seat for your 1 year old so you don’t need to constantly hold them. When your husband comes in, you go out even if it’s to pick up a take away coffee, to blast loud music in the car or cry to a friend - get out and let him take over. Give yourself time away as often as possible, don’t be too precious about funnelling - better to have a coping mum with friends round than you not coping so well.

It’s very very hard, every single part of your life has changed and you’ve got two scares little people to care for. Are there bits that are particularly hard? I found the sheer endless laundry a nightmare because my two kids were like Velcro, so just emptying the tumble drier took nearly an hour... both mine had toiletting issues meaning lots and lots of laundry, being able to vent here helped me so much.

Two and a half years in my two are giggling with their uncle having had a relaxed day at home. When I was crying down the phone to my husband in the early days I’d never have believed the chaos would settle, and it will for you too. Hang in there and keep asking for support.

They deserve better than a mummy having meltdowns, I'm working on it and will improve for them.
I just wanted to respond to this. You’re a new mummy, most mums learn their trade with a tiny bean that doesn’t move when you put them somewhere, an easily portable baby - they have support from other new baby mums, health visitor and their children don’t arrive traumatised to begin with. And still those new mums find it very hard.

Being kind to yourself is the best skill you can learn in the early days, whether it being relaxing on housework, being ok with a nursery tea (ie beige food), not dressing about tv or having a bit of a meltdown. Your children deserve a mum who can be herself, it’s ok that you’re finding it tough going, that you might lose patience or simply want to stay in bed and hide from the world. You’re human, that’s both your superpower and your kryptonite. Finding compassion for all you’re coping with, as well as holding in mind what they’re dealing with will help you keep perspective.

Btw my DH looked like he was taking it all in his stride too - it was a much easier adjustment for him, which made me feel even more useless. Self compassion is your friend here.

I will definitely look a sling, thank you for that. I didn't even know you could get them for toddlers! Thank you for all your kind words and advice everyone. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy or a horrific person for feeling this way. Hubbie back at work tomorrow so will try out some of these ideas. X

Sorry you're having such a rough time. To echo what other people are saying it does get better! I definitely agree that a sling might be a good idea for the 1 YO. They're lovely for bonding. I do lots of massaging and touch with my 1YO too and have a bath with her from time to time and her eye contact and affection have developed vastly since she came to us. How is his understanding? Do you explain where you're going and that you're coming back? Perhaps making a point of leaving a loved toy at your house would be a good idea too and saying that you'll be back later would help as he will hopefully make the connection that this means you are returning home. I only adopted the one baby at 9MO so there was definitely no need for nursery but what I did do was get her to plenty of baby groups so that we were pretty much obliged to leave the house. If not baby groups we went swimming (a lovely bonding experience btw) or to the park or soft play. We've had our LO almost a year now and I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we haven't left the house and it really helps. The 'hoop' app is pretty good for letting you know what's on. I get it, alone time is really important and as great as my hubby is he still doesn't seem to get that haha. Just remember though that these children have missed out on vital bonding time with you already and there's only so many hours in a day. Could you not hand the reins to your hubby at bedtime a few days a week and for a few hours at the weekeend and go then? ITO creche/school you have to go with your gut. The 5 year old I would've thought is old enough to have a little input herself within reason so could you try asking her what she actually wants? I wouldn't personally leave the 1 year old anywhere just yet and I think you'll find things much easier with him once the 5YO is at school. It's a personal choice though. Even at this early stage you are your child's best advocate so go with your gut. Good luck xx

Oh dear, I do still have meltdowns sometimes that's part of parenthood.

There were times I wished I'd never met DDs. There was a period of about 2 years where I actually didn't like DD1 very much (though I still loved her) - that was the 'teen from hell' phase. She is now a delightful 20 year old with a bright future. But DD2 is now heading that way .

Truly - none of us are perfect, or anywhere near.

My daily aims are - provide sufficient food, that is mostly healthy. Avoid major avoidable accidents/ill health. Have at least one moment of emotional connection/express love. Provide clean clothes. Anything more (and, thankfully, these days there is generally a lot more!) is a bonus.

Seriously - by providing that, day in, day out, you are doing a huge amount to help your LOs heal. Repetitive and predictable is what they need, not super-mum, endless creative activities, world-class cuisine or homemade hat/scarf/mitten sets.

As Ted27 says, 'Stay warm, stick the TV on and lie on the sofa.' And pop out for half an hour if you can at some point.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today and that you can do this!

It really will get easier and you will find your routine, might take a while and some things won't work but don't be too hard on your self and try again another time

Thinking of you. You can do it!

I remember my first day on my own with my son. I was sitting staring at him and thinking what can I do? Everything I had been told about him was not what he was presenting. It took me a few weeks to get to know him and not what was written on paper about him. Take the time to get to know your new babies (and 5 can still be a frightened baby).

I would echo that developmentally both children may be behind. Take the lead from your children. Ask them what they want to do.

For my son, he was not ready to go to nursery although he had done at foster care. Best thing I did was keep him at home for the academic year even though it was against social work advice. He had never formed a healthy attachment and we spent time doing that. In fact, the social worker admitted she was wrong and glad I kept him at home. Get to know your daughter before you decide what is right for her. When is The right time for her to go to school. No pressure. As you’ve already heard, everyone is different depending on their child.

Enjoy today (although you might be terrified). Spend time together and if you need be, apart. And don’t worry about crying. I did that loads in the first few weeks. I think it’s healthy