Adoption placement, please help

[Suzybells]

Hello, I am hoping not to get judged for this but I feel at breaking point, and need advice or to know if other have been through this. We are heading into our 3rd week of Placement with two siblings age 1 and 5. My husband is amazing but I'm not coping, I keep crying and can't stop and have to go and hide in my room. Iv caught a virus on top of that so very run down. My husband goes back to work on Monday and I don't know how I am going to manage alone. Our eldist is very demanding on our attention, all part of the bonding which is great but I feel drained and very broken. I don't know how I'm going to do it alone. I haven't been able to stop crying for the last hour and don't know what to do.

Thank you! We made it through! 1yr old had weetabix for Breckfast, lunch and dinner as that's all he will eat but at least he ate! We even managed to get out for a ten minute walk up the road and back! Now they are in bed, just keeping everything crossed they stay their until morning 🙂

That's amazing, you did it - well done! You've got this. Keep trusting your instincts.

Well done!

Nothing wrong with weetabix I have been known to provide instant noodles with a handful of frozen veg thrown in on a really tough day...!

suzy I read your thread yesterday but didn’t reply as I was short of time, and literally was coming back to it today to see how you were and to say that there’s nothing wrong with cereal for tea. You’d be surprised how well a kid can do on a diet of jam sandwiches and bananas. (Yes, obviously not long term...)

I adopted two together. I hated it at first. Couldn’t believe how I’d ruined all our lives.

My survival tips:

• seriously, don’t worry too much what they’re eating. Cold finger food is fine. Beans on toast is fine. Cereal is fine. Let them pick at stuff. You don’t need to be cooking meat and two veg every day.
• tv is fine. Gives everyone a break from the intensity of a new relationship.
• let your DP do the mornings. I would literally go downstairs as he walked out (and would often walk straight back upstairs when he came in). All designed to limit the length of my day with the DC. Bonus points of this approach: he still does breakfast/teeth/shouting, whilst I have a gentler start to my day (6 years on)
• see if you can find a way of giving yourself a two minute break in the day. I used to wash the dishes by hand and then steam mop the kitchen floor every day because their foster carers had done those things so they totally let me get on with them. If I tried doing anything else (Loo, laundry, etc) they’d be right there with me.
• don’t worry too much about leaving the house if you don’t want to. We were months into placement before I was confident taking them both out on my own. Alternatively, if you’re keen to get out, you can make an outing out of a trip to your local shop or duck pond. Outings don’t have to be to softplay or baby groups.
• lastly, accept that you’re probably not being the parent you always imagined being. You’re not spending your days doing Pinterest crafts and cooking from scratch because that’s not who your children are right now. This is okay.
• and because my last point wasn’t my last point, take lots of photos. Look at them when they’re asleep. Tell your DP about was was happening. This is how I (eventually) discovered I was quite fond of them.

Good luck!

@Suzybells thinking of you, how are you feeling. I've had a low level bug and it is driving me mad! I really feel for you. Keep on plodding on, but if things do not get better health wise do look into what may help you. Medications etc. Adoption depression is real so if you found yourself feeling low it maybe worth exploring that. However, if may be if you physical health picks up thinks will get better.

XXXXXX

Really sorry as I haven't been able to read all the replies so not sure how you are feeling now. I also didn't adopt siblings I adopted a single child. What I did want to say though is that probably weeks 2 and 3 were some of the hardest weeks of my life. I felt tearful depressed anxiety ridden and completely anti climactic about the whole thing and actually quite irritated with my little boy because I didn't know how to soothe him which then set me off on a spiral of guilt. I genuinely thought that I was going to feel that way forever. I can tell you once week 5 hit I felt enormously better and it's like a fog lifted. I'm not saying this will happen for you and it's important to listen to your instincts but I do know that at the time I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Now at week 7 I can see from a.more objective POV that I was in massive shock. Such a sudden change to lifestyle, a child I had no idea at that stage how to soothe and who handed bonded as strongly to me yet and was grieving his carers, and I hadn't been socialising so I was feeling isolated. Once I started seeing people, talking about how I was feeling to some trusted friends and family and gradually learnt his quirks and what did and didn't work I couldn't believe it but things really did start to gradually feel better and now my bad days are not non existent but are certainly far less. Just wanted to offer some hope that there is likely an end point to how you are feeling now and id just urge you not to make too rash a decision quite yet. But I am thinking of you and whatever you decide has to be right for you zxx

Not much else I can say; loads of great advice already given. Just wanted to add re slings, see if there is a sling library near you. There you can try out different slings to see which one works for you and hire them to try at home. Then if it doesn't work out you've not spent loads of money for nothing.The people helping are generally lovely, and there is often cake It's tough on your back to go straight to carrying a 1 year old round all day when you haven't built up slowly from an 8lb newborn!

Keep going, take it hour by hour, the feeling that you've been hit by a train does slowly get better and you will find there's more joy than anxiety each day x

Thanks everyone, everyones advance and support has been so so helpful! Only two more days left until the weekend then it's hubby's turn! 🤣 jokes aside, mentally I have felt so much better the past 24hrs, feel like iv tuned a corner. Thank you so much everyone. We will be on week 4 on Saturday so getting into the swing of things 🙂 x

A virus is going to make you feel awful whatever the circumstances, and I think that overwhelm when suddenly being entrusted with the entire and long term welfare of a child (or two) is normal! Have you balanced out now, or are you still feeling knocked off your feet?

I was going to say baby carrier, if your dc accepts it, it is really good for giving you freedom and giving your dc a feeling of security at the same time. I think tula does carriers for older toddlers, which allows you to carry at the front, either facing in so the child's head is against your neck or facing out.

I thought it might be helpful to suggest activities which might work well with both a 1 year old and a 5 year old in tow:

• Out and about - long walks is really good for balancing out emotions, calming, uniting mind with body, feel good hormones, for you as well as the dc - make sure you have warm comfy clothes and boots, such as snow boots, makes all the difference. Somewhere like a large beach is great at this time of year as it is often quite empty, still has absorbing things for the dc which gives you a bit of head space, beautiful which is good for you too, loved by both toddlers and 5 year olds. Or a walk in the forest for the same reasons. Whether soft play or play areas will work will depend on the 5 year old. A drive to get somewhere where you can do a long walk is good as you can put on stories or nursery rhymes and the dc might sleep/relax.

• Inside at home, artwork for a 5 year old is really good, and something for the one year old might find it all quite fascinating - just providing the paper, paints, pens and so on and letting the older dc go for it as they wish is really good.

• Inside at home, toys like kitchens, ironing boards, dolls to dress, indoor wendy houses, dressing up, again great for the 5 year old's imaginary play but also fascinating for one year old. The 5 year old may well be able to play on their own with these toys for a while or get you to join in.

• - depending where you live, cafes with kid's toys can be quiet on school days, and a nice and fairly safe place, good for all of you

• Reading to them both - ie reading books suitable for the 5 year old and the 1 year old will be absorbing it, and will find your voice comforting, and the more you do hopefully the keener they will get and so naturally a calm time.

Keeping them occupied and tiring them out makes for easier bedtimes. I think that the more time spent actively engaging, whether talking or singing to or reading or doing imaginary play or whatever, the better the connection will be long term, the easier it gets as time goes on.

What has happened since your last post?

Hi, thank you for your reply and tips. Things are feeling much better. I feel more in the groove of things at the moment, lack of sleep is a tough one at the mo as they seem to tag team taking it in turns waking up during the night bless them! My sisters are now home from uni/holidays and have been an amazing help! They come over for at least an hour every day which gives me a moment to do a dishwasher and have a cuppa. Iv discovered family support is invaluable! ☺️

Just remember you’re very very early days - it’ll look different in two/three weeks time and more so in two/three months. Someone here told me it took around 6 months to feel balanced properly and while at the time I thought that was an age, it did take a good 6 months for me to feel ok being left with them knowing I could entertain them and do ok.

In saying that, I’m 2.5 years in and still feel like everyone is watching me to judge my parenting - they aren’t but I clearly still feel I’ve got something to prove!

EightWellies

I totally agree with you. The first months (and years in our case) are about attachment and handing your five year old over to strangers or trying to settle them into clubs and classes when they are not yet settled in at home can only be a threat to that process. I was shocked to see it here as well.

My 4 and 6 year old were in nursery 7 weeks after placement - they were both used to that routine and the social interaction with other children and were really unsettled without it. I was anxious about them going so soon and had intended to delay their start until Christmas (they were placed in early August), but it was clear that they both needed structure.

We’re 2.5 years in and their attachment is becoming more and more secure at a pace appropriate to their age and early experiences. We didn’t do any other groups or clubs and kept their world outside of school very small but the early school experience has been good for them. I think recognising that different children need different things even in adoption is more helpful than a “shocked” response to another parents way of doing things especially when you aren’t aware of all the considerations that went into the decision making.

I'm not shocked by another parent's way of doing things. And of course different children will be soothed by different routines and ways of doing things.

But this was the advice to a parent with a 5 year old who is in her third week of placement -

You can always enrol your 5 year old in some classes each week which will give you a bit of a break

Do you reallly think that is something which should be immune to challenge on a widely read adoption board where inexperienced people come for advice?

I don't and I'm glad EightWellies did challenge it.

Your update sounded great, OP!

Sorry, my post crossed with BDandAS's post, I agree that 3 weeks in is early days.

I think that generally when making decisions about when to start school, ideally the dc's needs should be the focus.

BDandAS

What are you on about? I adopted a 5 year old and I took him to sport classes 2 times a week after he had been placed with us for 3 weeks only. This was all done taking into account his needs (he is very energetic and was used to being active) and in no way interfered with his attachment to me. I must confess that having a couple of hours each week to disconnect of such an intense process was good for my mind. I probably would have gone mad if I hadn’t had that time. Raising a kid this age can be though. I don’t think anyone should feel ashamed for saying they appreciate a couple of hours each week when they have a break from their kids, as if it is some sort of heresy! I also know other adoptive parents that enrolled their adopted kids in nursery early on in the placement. Nothing wrong with different advice being given to someone who obviously needs a break!

It's poor advice. Particularly for a parent struggling early on in the process. It is not attachment friendly and encouraging good attachment with good practice is the best thing we can do for adopted children.

None of that is remotely controversial.

I’m not shocked by another parent’s way of doing things

Sorry, I must have totally misunderstood when you said

I was shocked to see it here as well.

Do you reallly think that is something which should be immune to challenge on a widely read adoption board where inexperienced people come for advice?

And just to clarify, I don’t think anything or anyone should be immune to challenge but, while the initial advice felt quite premature in terms of putting children into other care settings, having been challenged the poster explained much more fully where he was coming from. His explanation clearly outlined their process of decision making and timescale - which weren’t far off the experience of others who have also posted on this thread.

Given that, I’m not sure why it needed to be challenged again. There’s nothing controversial about focusing on attachment in early placement, and there are times when, in order to meet the child’s needs, children need to be in school or nursery from what seems like an early stage in placement.

Good practice means considering the child's need holistically.

NOT having a preconceived timescale about when a specific child should/ should not go to school, take part in clubs etc.

Attachment is a long term process, and involves a multitude of factors day in, day out. Yes, the point at which the child goes to school and is involved in activities outside the home needs careful thought. But it is not a 'make or break' decision. Just one of many.

The poster wasn't just talking about settling children into a routine of school/nursery though, but two hours a day in a gym creche. He came back on to say that this had been given thought and his SW agreed with this. I didn't say this at the time because I'd already upset him, but my experience is that most Social Workers are not experts in attachment. There are things I did in the early days of DD1's placement that I kick myself for and it was being challenged on here that helped me see how seemingly 'normal' things just didnt work for a scared little girl with dodgy attachment.

I think we are all just trying our best, but it is also a responsibility to challenge advice which, in the long run, could be quite detrimental.

I agree EightWellies I also found the advice here helped me make good decisions where other non-adoptive parents might have swayed me otherwise so I think it is important.

jellycat there is a difference between being shocked by advice given and being shocked by someone's parenting. Obviously.

And yes of course Allington but the advice was general advice implying that it would usually be ok to enrol a young child three weeks into placement into ad hoc clubs and classes. Which is just not the case. In fact I think we could agree that there are going to be vanishingly few circumstances where that would be appropriate.

I get that no-one wants to be judgy. And also that children are different. But generalist adoption advice here that could be read and acted on by many many people shouldn't encompass things that might be actively detrimental to a recently placed child.

So glad things are going well OP.

Llta of good advice. I especially liked the advice from tldr.

Yes tldr's advice is great - although I felt steam mopping the floor was a bridge too far