Adoption placement, please help

[Suzybells]

Hello, I am hoping not to get judged for this but I feel at breaking point, and need advice or to know if other have been through this. We are heading into our 3rd week of Placement with two siblings age 1 and 5. My husband is amazing but I'm not coping, I keep crying and can't stop and have to go and hide in my room. Iv caught a virus on top of that so very run down. My husband goes back to work on Monday and I don't know how I am going to manage alone. Our eldist is very demanding on our attention, all part of the bonding which is great but I feel drained and very broken. I don't know how I'm going to do it alone. I haven't been able to stop crying for the last hour and don't know what to do.

I have worked with adopted children most of my working life. In my experience all children are different and as such different approaches work for different children. What I think can be quite detrimental to newly adoptive parents and their children is taking a ‘purist’ approach to issues, which some members in this forum seem to take, instead of being more flexible in their approach. However, each adoption is different. There is nothing poor about advising that a young adopted child may benefit from recreational classes each week after being placed with their forever family for nearly a month. It all comes down to the personality and particular needs of the child and the family. I have seen cases for which this had worked quite well (particularly cases of children with less complex needs), and other cases for which it was not appropriate due to the children having complex needs. My advice is that newly adoptive parents should learn from other parents how they have approached issues and then, in collaboration with their Social Worker, decide what would be appropriate to their children. Personally, what I am shocked to read are such condescending views about Social Worker’s experience and expertise regarding attachment, when in fact Social Workers are much better placed to provide advice on this sort of issues than most people in this forum. If there is one person the OP should seek advice from is their own Social Worker.

All adoptees are different, i agree - for my part I am always slightly bemused to read any of the sweeping comments about adoptees as a group. But at the same time, the adults involved vary hugely from situation to situation - some SWs are excellent, some are not; some parents are very resilient people who cope with most things, others are not.

I think the best thing we can do on the forum is offer the best advice we can based on our own experiences - and recognise that that is all most of us can offer - but I also think challenging someones thinking is good too though it is only useful if the ideas are debated in a moderate way without getting too inflamed or personal.

BDandAS you must be fun at parties...

What I think can be quite detrimental to newly adoptive parents and their children is taking a ‘purist’ approach to issues, which some members in this forum seem to take,

I agree, translating theory into practice is a skill in itself - and is more art than science. While I know there are good and not so good in every profession there’s a level of sustain levelled at social workers that you don’t see in other professions. Social workers may not all be experts in attachment - but some are - and those working in dedicated adoption and fostering services will generally have a wealth of experience in supporting families through the process of placement and in translating pure theory into “where the rubber hits the road” practice. They will also have access to a wider network of expertise within the teams they work within, I know I found both mine and the children’s social workers invaluable in early placement.

We all come to adoption from a different perspective and with different experiences and children, that’s our strength. Thinking there’s just one right way to do things is a certain weakness.

I'm AMAZING at parties

I think we will have to agree to disagree on the rest - I'm conscious this is derailing OPs thread.

I don't claim to know what is best for another person's child and I am not questioning the choices anyone has made in full knowledge of the unique nature of their placement. But I think it was quite right of EightWellies to point out something that she felt - rightly IMO - was antithetical to good attachment building. And she got short shrift when she did. Which is the sort of thing that discourages that point of view from being expressed. And it's a really important point of view for newly placed children.

Antithetical to good attachment building? You are so rude! As if you were some sort of expert in attachment theory. I think you need to chill out!

And it's a really important point of view for newly placed children.

And it’s a point of view that newly placed parents are, in my experience, very aware of and will run themselves into the ground trying to provide a perfect environment for attachment to build, while being the most therapeutic parent ever, while trying to get to know very very scared children, while funnelling like crazy, while putting all their own needs on the back burner. Most folk who post here at their wits end are trying very hard to promote attachment, it’s important that folk who have been there and done it can point out the need for balance, for time out from your kids, that having someone round for coffee isn’t going to doom your child to a lifetime of insecure attachment. Attachment is build over years, not weeks or months, routine, structure, predictability, leaving and returning are all part of promoting secure attachment.

And again, in my experience folk here do quite strongly express the need for attachment to be supported in early placement and ongoing. You’re not by any stretch the sole advocate of attachment theory on these boards.

Wow... who knew my advice was going to cause so much trouble here. I must be a terrible and irresponsible adoptive parent and my social workers terribly incompetent and uneducated in attachment theory for allowing my kids to go to a nursery a couple of hours each day six weeks after being placed with me, to continue the routine they had while living with their foster carers. Apparently I was also a really bad parent for going the gym while they were in nursery and also for enrolling my kids in some group activities which we’ve done as a family after three weeks of them being placed with me. What’s really surprising is that I have experienced little issues in terms of their settling and after a year of living with me my kids are thriving, healthy and strongly attached. According to our social workers it is rare that kids attach and settle so rapidly and well as mine did. However, according to some opinions in this forum my kids should be experiencing lots of issues in terms of their attachment and highly traumatised because of all of this... Perhaps next time I should ignore the needs of my kids and my family and simple follow the orthodox advice of some members around here.

This thread is batshit. Differing opinions are allowed. SWs are not universally expert in attachment. (Mine, for example, was shite.) Yes, of course you should do what’s right for your family. No-one is suggesting otherwise, obviously.

And I reckon BDandAS is excellent at parties.

You’re missing the point tlrd. This is not about different members expressing different views, but about some members being obnoxious and purposely obtuse when expressing their views, being condescending towards others who also have valid and useful experiences.

Hmm. Well there are posters being rude, but I wouldn’t have said BD was one of them. Potaytoes potattoes.

But I’m not the thread police so I’ll just leave you to your righteousness.