Has anyone had their child adopted?

[sirius5]

I hope this doesn't shock anyone too much. I really don't want to cause anyone pain or bad feelings if they were adopted themselves but I don't know the first thing about it and so am hoping for advice/ experience, if anyone would be kind enough to share.

I'm pregnant and due next week. I'm trying very, very hard to be positive about it, I have a beautiful son of four years old, and love babies...however, the father of this second one is awful, a bit unhinged really, I'm no longer with him but I cannot imagine being able to love his child, and am very frightened of that...I haven't looked at the scan pictures since I got them, I don't want to see it and I'm terrified it will look, or be, like its father.

I'm holding it together most of the time but am having times where I just feel so very depressed and miserable, it all feels wrong, the whole pregnancy has been horrible and lonely. Feels like a huge mistake, and I could not bring myself to have an abortion at the start because I was still with him and thought I could love the baby...hate abortion anyway.

I don't know what to do. Will I be able to love it, will I be able to face the inevitable visits / access by its father, will everything it does remind me of him?
I was alone last time too, the difference being that I loved my first child's father to the ends of the earth - and when his child reminds me of him, I don't mind because I loved him.

Please don't think I blame the baby in any way, it was my own stupid fault and I wish it hadn't happened, I just want the baby to have thebest life it can and am afraid it will know I don't love it, when it could potentially be with parents who could give it that love.

What is it like to give up a child? Could the father take it away (I'd rather anything than have him bring it up himself, he drinks and was emotionally abusive to me and my child) and what is the procedure?

I've tried to make enquiries beofre but met with fairly hostile/judgmental/dismissive responses even from the charities I thought were there to advise.

Thankyou so much.

im so sorry you're going through this. there was a similar thread recently by a woman who was afraid she wouldnt be able to love her baby. sorry not very helpful, i'll look for it. remember tho that it is your baby too and not just a clone of its father...

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I foster babies who usually are placed for adoption. Why not try your local authority fostering and adoption unit. They may be able to offer you some councelling.

Don't forget though, the baby is also half yours.

Sirius I am so sorry to read about your situation

I am sorry, I haven't any advice about adoption or otherwise but I didn't want your post to go unanswered

My gut feeling is that yes you certainly COULD love this child once it is born - but I do understand how you feel and why you are thinking about adoption

I hope someone else will come along who has more information for you, or perhaps you will find the support here that you need to consider trying to make a go of it with your new baby once he or she is born?

sorry cross posts

I type too slowly

Sirius5 - I had a baby boy adopted at birth almost 18 years ago (my first: I was quite young).

I'm happy to chat to you off-board - by email or phone. CAT me and we can get in touch.

Roisin

Roisin - will try and set up CAT thing and get in touch with you, thankyou for your very kind offer.

Birth fathers actually have very few rights in the UK. If you don't put him on the birth certificate, and you don't have to, then he doesn't have to sign adoption papers.

It is actually a bit more complex than this in practice though.

I have CATd you Sirius. It may take a day or so to come through.

That's interesting...I hadn't planned to put him on the BC because although I believe he'd get PR etc if he applied, I don't want to hand it to him iyswim. I also think he is likely to try and be involved, if nothing else because his mother is very pushy about it and has been contacting me trying to get me to 'forgive' her poor son and take him back. (I cannot)

I'm planning if I keep the child, to be very laid back and not start any sort of fight over access, as I think there's less chance of him being around if I make it easy for him...if I try to stop him, he'll enjoy the challenge.

So I could possibly arrange an adoption without his consent? I think I read somewhere that although the authorities prefer to consult the biological father, I wouldn't have to tell them who he was?

Not sure how it all works.

So sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I can't give you any personal experience of adoption but why not give it a few weeks and see how you feel once your baby is here. Pregnancy and birth are so emotional anyway that I don't think you should rush into any decision you might regret later. As someone else said, the baby is half you plus a sibling to your other child. If you're concerned about contact with your ex and his behaviour is that bad, could you seek legal advice on limiting contact? Maybe a third party could help with access visits so you don't need to see him. Your local Citizen's Advice Bureau should be able to put you in touch with local groups who can help with this. Hang in there and do please keep talking to us here if it helps.

X posts, Roisin, Thankyou

Aw the sadness just pours from your post sweetheart.

I guess, reading between the lines, you are partly afraid that if you hold on to your baby then his/her father will be part of your life forever... If this is the only thing scaring you then we can try & reassure you.

If this is it, is there any chance you can move away? Take your unborn baby & your 4 yr old & move now, before the baby is born? [sorry have just re-read your post & you are due next week, this idea isn't practical then ]

I am very surprised that the people put in place to help you make decisions have not been helpful.. how is your midwife? Or your doctor? Have you discussed this with them?

Does the childs father know you are pregnant?

I wish there was something more I could do, you sounds so defeated

It's obvious to me you care for the baby already anyway, you want what's best for him/her, the same as all good mothers do. (((hugs)))

Mummydoit, thankyou - I suppose I'm afraid that an older baby or child wouldn't have a chance of immediate adoption, and if I gave him up straight away, he'd be better off as he wouldn't be attached to me etc. and might get placed with a family more easily. I don't want to jeopardise his future by hanging around too long...

It's so confusing and I wish it was all a bad dream. I've sought advice about access and been told that sadly my only option is to move a long way away, as he never hit us - and therefore no court will prevent access.

Perhaps it could be done with a third party, though. I certainly don't want to let him near my older son, but what does that say about letting him see the baby? It's so unfair on the children.

I am also worried about the effect on my older son of having his new brother adopted.
Oh God. There is no easy answer.

sorry to hear your story and have no experience. What I would say is that I think you may feel very differently once the baby has arrived. I had strong feelings that I wouldn't be able to love my second baby as much as my first and was quite worried about it, but those fears were completely unfounded.

However horrible your ex is that does not reflect on your baby and with you as its mother I think it will do very well.

I wish you the best of luck

If things weren't complicated... if you were give a split second to choose.. would you keep your baby?

Go with your heart pet, we all have difficult decisions to make & you will get lots of support from here, do what you feel is best for you your son & your unborn baby.

Thanks Firefly. I have been seriously tempted to move, but in answer to another question, I have parents near me who are very supportive, and cannot move away from here...it would be awful to leave them after my other son has become so close to them.

The father does know I'm pregnant, I was 3 months when I left him after realising he was getting nastier and I had to protect my children and myself.

He immediately changed his tune and told me he wanted us back, but nothing had changed and I believe it was purely to look like a 'good bloke' - as if I was being terribly cruel and unfair by leaving him.

I've tried talking to the MW but she didn't want to know. 'You'll love it when it's born' was all she said, so I didn't push it.
I can understand why it would offend or upset people to hear something like this...nobody likes to think a child is going to be unloved

Firefly - if it were a question of never having to see or hear from my ex again, then I would feel much, much better able to start afresh with this baby. I want to love it, I'm getting excited about some things, and babies are always wonderful...but partly my motive is not love, but pity, as if I had found a small animal in the street which needed care. That feeling is certainly there.

but the realisation this morning that I couldn't bring myself even to look at his little face on the scan photos, freaked me out and sent me into a state. It's just not how it ought to be. He needs me to adore him but it's all mixed up with feelings of fear and anger about his father.

I wish there was a way that courts would recognise emotional abuse and not make mothers or children vulnerable to it. Only when I think he might leave us alone, do I feel anywhere near able to cope with the future.

I think it could be much worse though, if you give the baby up for adoption

He could possibly make your life hell once he finds out.

Is there any way you can make absolutely sure that he & his mother can't get their hands on the child? Will you have to inform him when the baby is born? Is it legal to put the baby up for adoption if one parent [ie:father] is willing to support it?

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation Sirus xox

Whether you give this baby up for adoption or keep the baby you are the most amazing mother this baby will ever have. The fact that you are willing to do this to make sure that your child has the best start in life makes me feel like, if you choose to keep the child, you will be an amazing mother.

For various reasons I suffered from pre-natal depression and was worried sick about how I would feel when the baby was born and if I could develop a bond. And to be honest, I didn't at first. It took a few weeks. And even now I think - is this what the maternal bond should be like? Yet, I do love him, wholeheartedly and totally unconditionally.

If you do decide to keep the baby, is there any chance you could have a relationship with your ex's mother that doesn't involve your ex? If she is a decent sort of a person there could be a lot of support there for you in this. My husband's aunt was a second mother to her grandson, even though her son was not a part of the child's life (through the child's mothers choice not his).

You sound like an excellent mother already (as GateGipsy says). You are very brave.
I would follow your heart. You already seem to care for this baby you are carrying that it will get the best possible care. It is just worrying that if baby does get adopted that it will still have rights to see its father. Is it you worrying about baby seeing its father or you seeing ex partner? If baby is adopted then it will get to see its daddy anyway, if you keep baby then you can arrange times that suits you for visits and have someone else around to keep things easier for you.
I hope you get some good advice on here and have time to think about things.
I am sure though that as much as you may think baby reminds you of its daddy that there will be so many times it it will be like you and with daddy not around it will become more like you.
Good luck
xxx

I think you will be able to love it and that if you give it up to adoption like most mothers who do that you will regret it.
Yes, I think there are some new laws on parental responsibility and if you don't want the children presumably its father has rights to it. So the best way to protect it is to bring it up yourself.

sirius5, i just wanted to offer my support to you. I do honestly think you will be able to love your child and whatever decision you make will be because of your love for him/her. My first DDs father was a bit of a dozy plonker really and whilst my DD does have some of his looks (not that i can remember too much TBH) she is MY little girl and is so because of the way she has been bought up, i truely do not see her father in her at all, she is mine, warts and all. I do not have any negative feelings about her father, i refer to him as her "sperm donor" as to be fair, we had finished our relationship by the time i found out i was pregnant and he decided to have nothing to do with us, i am definately sure that was the correct thing to do, for US. I do of course appreciate that your situation is quite different. You need some professional help to get this straight in your head. Start with the midwife, if no joy, GP but keep plugging away so you can make the best decision for your family. Whatever you decide, i know it will be out of love and you have my respect and best wishes.

Sirius - re not being interested in the scan picture, don't worry too much about that. I never really formed a bond with any of my 3 until after they were born, and couldn't get interested in scan pictures either.

We do tend to think of our children as extensions of ourselves, but really they are not. They are their own people. Each one a new soul.

Also, here's a thought: when your child's father was born, he was totally innocent, as your child will be. Somewhere along the line alcohol, and maybe other influences, changed that. I am a great believer in nurture, not nature. Your child will be a clean slate. I can understand your wanting to distance yourself from his father. It could be that he could have access at a safe neutral territory, eg at a family centre.

even if you choose to give your baby for adoption SS are unlikely to remove teh baby from you for about 14 days as they want to make sure you are certain of your decision.

you should give yourself some time to decide once the baby is actually here. as soon as you give birth it is likel;y that the bond will appear and be very strong indeed.

if its not then do not feel bad oir guilty, you have come through a lot and i am sure you are thinking only of what is best in teh long run for you family...all 3 of you.

good luck and i hope that you get the outcome you really want