Has anyone had their child adopted?

[sirius5]

I hope this doesn't shock anyone too much. I really don't want to cause anyone pain or bad feelings if they were adopted themselves but I don't know the first thing about it and so am hoping for advice/ experience, if anyone would be kind enough to share.

I'm pregnant and due next week. I'm trying very, very hard to be positive about it, I have a beautiful son of four years old, and love babies...however, the father of this second one is awful, a bit unhinged really, I'm no longer with him but I cannot imagine being able to love his child, and am very frightened of that...I haven't looked at the scan pictures since I got them, I don't want to see it and I'm terrified it will look, or be, like its father.

I'm holding it together most of the time but am having times where I just feel so very depressed and miserable, it all feels wrong, the whole pregnancy has been horrible and lonely. Feels like a huge mistake, and I could not bring myself to have an abortion at the start because I was still with him and thought I could love the baby...hate abortion anyway.

I don't know what to do. Will I be able to love it, will I be able to face the inevitable visits / access by its father, will everything it does remind me of him?
I was alone last time too, the difference being that I loved my first child's father to the ends of the earth - and when his child reminds me of him, I don't mind because I loved him.

Please don't think I blame the baby in any way, it was my own stupid fault and I wish it hadn't happened, I just want the baby to have thebest life it can and am afraid it will know I don't love it, when it could potentially be with parents who could give it that love.

What is it like to give up a child? Could the father take it away (I'd rather anything than have him bring it up himself, he drinks and was emotionally abusive to me and my child) and what is the procedure?

I've tried to make enquiries beofre but met with fairly hostile/judgmental/dismissive responses even from the charities I thought were there to advise.

Thankyou so much.

You are not alone there are countless women in this situation. Many many women are in abusive relationships, have babies and somehow the baby givs them stength. There are others who cannot face it and do what you are contemplating. You really need to hear stories from women who have been there and got through it. I hope some are here on MN.

YOu need some councelling I think to deal with your emotions. Your hormones are all over the place too. Hang steady.

I'd get in touch with some professional help, the social services will support you and have more understanding of this type of concern. I feel from your posts that you definitely would feel close to your baby if your ex b wasn't going to be around, tough situation, I really hope you can work it out, what about phoning parentline or some organisation that can talk things through with you.

Good luck!

I live in England and I put dd1 up for adoption, it was arranged before she was born and her bio dad signed the papers too. I think SS try to find them and get them to sign but ultimately it's not a major issue depending on circumstances. When we left the hospital she went to fostercarers locally and I was allowed to visit her when I wanted, take her out etc. In the end I changed my mind and kept her. That space of her being in foster care was very helpful for me.

It was a very difficult pregnancy due to my feelings etc and that other people are so judgemental. I wanted dd to have the best in life and in many ways adoption would have probably given her a better & happier life than I have managed so far.

CAT me if you want to chat off board.

Sirius, I have no experience of this, or advice, but I do have a brilliant autobiographical book called 'Startling Beauty: My Journey From Rape to Restoration'
by Heather Gemmen, which talks of her (eventual) decision to keep the baby which was a result of her rape by a man who was not her husband.

In it, she talks of those same fears, and her resulting love for her child.

If you would like me to send it to you feel free to cat me your details.

Hormones are horrible things. I had Ante-natal depression which was followed by post-natal depression and I did not want to keep my baby and had no real feelings for him.

I got help after the difficult birth an have, finally, pulled through, which has taken years.

Some people don't bond with babies of their own, but just you try and separate me from my boys now their older and I would fight with my life.

I guess I am just not a baby person

Good Luck Sirius, whatever decision you make xx

How are you Sirius?

Only just seen this thread and wanted to wish you all the best.

Have you had the baby?

Hi everyone, and sorry not to have posted for a while. I had him two weeks ago, it was pretty quick and I had no idea how I'd feel right up to the last minute.

But after the initial shock of giving birth, I looked at my son and loved him. It has grown so much since then, that I think I might love him 'too much' iyswim, I feel absolutely the closest to him that I can imagine, he is beautiful.

Even when he looks a little bit like his dad, I don't really care. I think the labour helped as I had no pain relief and was the most scared I'd ever been, it was all over in a few hours but after that I sort of felt like I had 'earned' him, he was really mine, his dad had no real relevance.

I have had some hassle from his dad (and family) but they don't seem to be following through, so for now I'm feeling very, very strong, I have a job to do, my boys are paramount...and if anyone tried to take the baby from me now, I would die first.

It is so very strange to think I wished him to disappear before he was born...such bad thoughts I had, but just wishing he would not have to suffer by being born to a mother who could not love him...and now I cannot stop loving him, holding him, adoring him.

I wanted to let you all know how it turned out. It's early days but the signs are good.
Thankyou so, so much for being there and supporting me when I was in a crisis. And for sharing your experiences. it really did help me a lot to be able to let it out here.

Best wishes to all of you xxx

very glad to hear sirus and congratulations. the fact that you were considering all the options before your son was born shows what a fantastic mother you are. good luck with oyur boys - i have 2 sons, brothers are fab!

Good luck to you and your boys, sirius5.
Keep posting - you'll get plenty of support from MN.

Congratulations

Congratulations and I am delighted for you and your baby.

You sound like a very strong woman; I wish you the very best.

wonderful!

Wonderful news. Good luck in everything you do. You deserve it!

Sirius, you've made me blub, amazing post. Thanks for the update. Congratulations

oh fantastic! good luck!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

Keep positive and strong

Love them both just for being them

well done!

xxxx

What ggglimpopo said

congratulations, so happy to hear how're you doing.

you're clearly a fantastic mummy.

Oh that is fantastic news!

I am soooo happy for you both.

What did you call him?

I wish you all the best for the future!

Congratulations

And remember MN is always here for you

Just read the whole thread (hadn't seen it 1st time round).

What a lovely lovely result!

Well done for a decision you won't forget!!

So pleased that you have had your fears stripped away by your little tiny person. What is his name?

congratulations - you brought tears of joy to my eyes.

Anymore details about your new little man?

congratulations and well done you no pain relief ((( steps back in admiration))) enjoy your two boys ] to you for being so brave.