Letterbox

[OurMiracle1106]

I finally heard back from the new social worker which has taken a month, to be told adopters will be sending a letter next month. (So May)

Feel so disillusioned with the whole system right about now

Tempted to say I want contact formalised:

I'm an adopter. Mine was due in feb.
My baby is very sick. My health is suffering as i have no support from SS and no rest.
My toddler is very very hard word and for 6 months i've been battling the LA to get the right nursery school.
Older child also disabled - been sat in meeting after meeting re finding the right high school ready for september.
4 disabled siblings so parents and SS should understand the pressure we are under.
We get no reply to letterbox.
We've just had a reminder saying 'dad would like his letter'.....

Dad can stick it up his bum this year!

Letterbox sucks from all sides Miracle 🌹

How formalised is it at the moment? Do you not have a formal letterbox agreement?

We have an agreement which says which months we write, whether photos are included, and whether we accept cards. We stick with it, though occasionally letter goes off at the end of the month so BP won't actually get it until the month after.

What does formalised actually mean? Surely they dont have to legally send you letters?
Whilst it would be nice for letterbox to continue on time etc, im sorry but i dont think you are top of their priority list. Your birth child is. You have no idea what is going on in their lives and yet you seem to want to force this no matter what.

Rolling I know the APs don't legally need to send BPs letters, but as far as I can see the OP has always had the best interests of the DC at heart, wants the contact and wants to reply to it nicely, but is forever being messed around by SS.
Yes the APs have the DC as their priority, but the OP doesn't deserve to be mucked about with or ignored by SS to the extent she seems to have been regularly.

OP, hopefully the new SW will help get things sorted.

Legally there is the option to apply for a contact order. We did have a contact agreement but this is being ignored/amended as is wished without speaking to me first or even letting me know it has happened.

It’s taken a month to find out who is now dealing with the letterbox contact. I just want to know what to expect and to protect my own privacy as well.

I don’t doubt they are busy. What seems to be going on is the local authority has absolutely no grasp on contact. Every letter has been delayed by them sometimes knowingly sitting on a desk for a month waiting to be “checked” despite me chasing. They have lost contacts and drawings.

My sons parents write back asking loads of questions so I’m sure they want to know how I’m doing

And actually yes I do think my son does have a right to contact with his birth parents, and yes it should be there should he wish to see it or to contact us. I can’t imagine how horrid it would feel that mummy wrote for 4 years then she got bored of it.

Tempted to say I want contact formalised

I'm assuming this is about going for a court order? I seem to think you've considered this before. Please, please don't. If my kids BPs (who admittedly are very different from you) did something like this I would immediately cease all contact. It would cause immense pain and anxiety to both you and his parents, and it would not be successful.

I know you probably know this, and are just feeling really frustrated; but I think it's worth reiterating how damaging this could be.

Yes the APs have the DC as their priority, but the OP doesn't deserve to be mucked about with or ignored by SS to the extent she seems to have been regularly.

This. I tend to assume that a lot of the frustration and poor communication that miracle has experienced is down to SS. I was shocked when chasing finally revealed that our first letter had not been passed on for 2 months. I was even more shocked when a face to face meeting revealed it hadn't been passed to BGP a year later. Since then I'm like a thorn in our contact co-ordinators side each year.

I know you have had to do the same miracle, but I would not assume that this gets passed to your son's parents in the way you put it to the SW.

All that aside, you get contact letters twice a year- more than many birth parents; more than I would do because, like many parents, I find writing that letter really hard. You really don't know why they have delayed and I think you just have to accept it. I think any parent who writes twice a year values the contact and you want it to continue that way.

YANBU to push for this to work as you do, unfortunately I think it may never be as you want it to be, but at least it's happening.

Every letter has been delayed by them sometimes knowingly sitting on a desk for a month waiting to be “checked” despite me chasing. They have lost contacts and drawings.

This is utterly unacceptable, and a court order would not change this.

I would be looking for a clear commitment that contact is checked and passed on within 2 weeks, and a clear account of how things were lost and how they will make sure it won't happen again. If this is historical and has been sorted (as you've referred to problems before) then by all means leave it, but if it happens again, I would jump straight to a formal complaint.

A court order for contact to go via an independent agency as in not social services could actually change this. All the time they are allowed to do this with no consequences it will continue.

I would also hope that my sons oa to be

My sons parents wouldn’t be overly distressed at getting a letter saying birth Mum is applying for x solicitor/agency to deal with letterbox due to these issues. In fact they may be relieved too

My sons parents wouldn’t be overly distressed at getting a letter saying birth Mum is applying for x solicitor/agency to deal with letterbox due to these issues

I think they would. As an adoptive parent you worry about what BPs are like. The don't know you. If it got to the point where you were going to court, I would send an additional letter to them first explaining why you are doing that, and the problems you've had with SS- so they know it's not about controlling them.

Frankly I might do this anyway, if you think the letters are still not being passed on properly- you could open up the possibility of a VA organising contact. If both parties want this, I can't see the LA standing in the way. As you say, they've likely had issues too.

I would go down the formal complaint route- making clear what you want to change- before going to court, or seeking another agency.

None of that would alter the issue this time- that if the parents delay there is nothing you can do to speed it up apart from ask.

I'd also say going for a court order could be counterproductive. At the moment, you get drawings, a photo to look at, and engaged adopters, evidenced by asking questions. If BPs took us to court to control letterbox, then they would get the minimum. Letterbox has to be based on trust to work well.

Would a court order for another agency to handle letterbox?

Yes, it's important you send for your son. But your son doesn't care about the delays, he won't be aware.

He might not be aware now, but what happens in 5 years time when he is aware?

If I was to approach a solicitor i would of
Course make it very clear that it was because Contact wasn’t being dealt with correctly and I just want it passed over to an agency which has more time to deal with letterbox as social services are overstretched.

The local authority won’t allow anything negative about the procedure to be written in letters so asking them in a letter about going via a different route isn’t possible.

I’ve alresdy complained formally and nothing has improved.

I would ensure that I was worded that “due to birth mums on going issues with (insert local authority’s name) dealing with contact, she has asked the court to consider an external agency dealing with it to maintain consistency.

I would hope that wouldn’t scare them.

If bp took me to court for letterbox they would receive the bare minimum from me from that day on. No way would I tolerate it. As it is, I send a letter every year, on time, that I think through very carefully and give details I hope they would like to receive. If they did what you are considering doing, even though it was social services and not me, I would send them a sentence. I adore my child and I write to them for her sake, not for theirs. They put her at risk and walked out of her life. You are lucky you get sent drawings etc. You’re right, a child does deserve for their birth parents to write but it doesn’t have the same meaning and emphasis that you do. Taking them to court would be a bloody shitty thing to do and would destroy any relationship built.

And in 5years time, when he is aware, hopefully his parents won’t tell him letters come at a certain of year so delays won’t matter. Hopefully they will explain that things get lost. He won’t be sat wondering about you in the way you think.

In 5 years time, contact will still be between the adults/parents.

Going to court is the nuclear option.

In 5 years my son will be a teenager so I would hope would be aware that contact takes place, and may want some input.

It’s very difficult. I’m stuck between giving up and trying to find solutions to the problem.

Maybe asking for the contact agreement to be revised and months etc changed on that would be good for all involved? It’s not as if contact itself if changing and they were the ones to ask for the months to be changed and they were then agreed upon after lots of emails.

I also have to consider my own emotional well-being and my ability to continue with my life on a positive path. Contact is about my son and what’s best for him, but myself being anxious that it’s gone missing/being stopped every 6 months and constant chasing if I’m honest is exhausting. It shouldn’t be this hard to send a letter and get one back.

You can only change what you can change. You don't get to decide whether your son has input into contact or not. You can't make the letters arrive or get seen on time. All you can do is write when you are supposed to.

If i was you i would consistently send my letters on time. Send them recorded delivery and keep photocopies and proof of postage. You will then be able to show your him if needs be that you kept your side of the bargain.
I agree with thomas above. You cannot control anything else but would have the peace of mind of knowing that you tried to always do the right thing for your birth child .

but myself being anxious that it’s gone missing/being stopped every 6 months and constant chasing if I’m honest is exhausting.

I feel as if this is the biggest problem, as in this issue is probably larger than your DC being upset if contact doesn't turn up at a specific date.

My teen DDs know when we do contact, and if they thought about it they could probably say which months it is done in. But we have managed expectations over the years so they know it might take a month or 2 to get a reply (we always write first). They have been involved in contact as much as they wish from the beginning, sometimes including something, sometimes not.

Do you not even get an acknowledgement your letter has been received and is being passed on? That's atrocious. If SS are as bad as you say I am not surprised you would like for it to be managed differently.

I email all letters over to social worker directly and have kept every single email including the ones chasing the letters etc so if my son does want to ever see it he can. I also have a folder of all letters sent and received in date order and copy of contact agreement, adoption order, bits I’ve written but aren’t appropriate for his age/to send

I have to always chase it. Constantly, it’s not even just on email Reminder. There’s times I’ve emailed to be told “oh yeah they sent it 3 weeks ago but I forgot to let you know”

I email all letters over to social worker directly

I have to always chase it. There’s times I’ve emailed to be told “oh yeah they sent it 3 weeks ago but I forgot to let you know”

I think these are really bad signs. Most LAs have some kind of centralised contact, even if it's the SW who end up doing the checking- the fact that it's going direct to the SW suggests no oversight, or contingency when they are busy; and of course this is their least urgent job.

I've had to push hard, but once an issue is sorted, it should remain sorted- not recur. I really think a formal complaint after the next significant problem, detailing all the issues and asking for specific outcomes- is the way to go.

I also think you should consider how you make it easier on yourself. Perhaps contact once a year for a bit? Perhaps seeking counselling? Perhaps just accepting that it won't be quick and stepping back from the chasing? I'm not saying any of these are the right answer, just ideas.

Most LAs do have a letterbox coordinator, is there a reason you're going via your SW?

In your position, I would send the contact, via email, keep a record, and then just wait. I think chasing SWs is usually a good way to get stressed, and they're like cats: they look at you in bafflement, stretch out, and take their own sweet time whatever.

Put in a complaint, and ask if it can be handled by the letterbox specialists.

However, LAs are significantly underfunded and underresourced. They will remain slow, disorganised, frustrating, etc. You cannot change that, via court, or any other means. Yes, they're being shit. A complaint may help, but I suspect they'll apologise, it'll be further stress for you, and then they will go back to being shit.

I honestly think changing your response, frustration, and level of expectation and stress is going to be much more productive. Your son is not benefiting from this level of angst.

Thing is my sons parents write first. So it’s hard to just write a letter. And then would I even get it if I didn’t chase it up? Probably it would just sit on a desk until next Contact by which time it’s likely to have been lost.

I’m stuck in a loop and I’m trying to find a way to help myself get out of this loop