Letterbox

[OurMiracle1106]

I finally heard back from the new social worker which has taken a month, to be told adopters will be sending a letter next month. (So May)

Feel so disillusioned with the whole system right about now

Tempted to say I want contact formalised:

Letterbox does'nt seem to work for anyone.

I'm not sure this is true. Certainly I know the majority of adopters don't get replies, not surprising considering the lives of most BPs. It's also the case that many LAs seem to do a bad job of organising it, which I think is a bloody disgrace.

But Miracle is an example of it's success (despite the barriers). I wish our kid's BPs were like her, but I think it has value for the members of their BF who do engage.

I wish I had more (some) information about my birth parents- that's the main reason I do contact for my two.

@headwobble you have not been abusive at all.

@superjam. Ok now we know you were adopted, we understand a little more. As an adopter (and I hate that term- I am my child's parent) I would be interested I know why and in what way you felt anxiety.

I do feel you have a slightly naive, if not romantic, vision about contact. In a lot of cases the birth parents are dangerous and/or a threat. Otherwise the child might not have been removed. A lot depends on the age of the child. I personally view life as being like a metre rule. My child spent 0.6cm with birth fam but has spent 2.9cm so far with me/ in care. Yes i, selfishly perhaps, feel letterbox is rather futile - I have a longer relationship with some things in my fridge than they had with the birth fam. We do however have a very good level of direct personal contact with the foster family.
I do not know when you were adopted, but I suspect, from what you have said, it was before adopters were given as much information as we are today and without the level of life story work to which we commit ourselves. Adopters are given access to the full story. We do talk about it with our children. I don't know whether letterbox , particularly when you don't get a reply, adds to this. As headwobble said it's not supposed to build/maintain a relationship for when child 18.

Until my child is able to understand and articulate their own views, as a parent I have to advocate for them. That's my job. I don't want the first 0.6cm if their life to define the remaining 99.4cm. In our case, the birth fam had their chance handed to them a million times. In the vast majority of abusive/threatening relationships, the victim is advised to leave and cease any relationship with the abuser. Why should tis be different in adoption.
I personally don't think anyone has a right to be a parent, you have to prove yourself. A child has a right to a parent /parents. For me blood means nothing.

And yes, I wish Miracle were indicative and representative of all birth parents.

And for me letterbox is to fill in the gaos, get the bps version too. Unfortunately I have never received a reply. I will write religiously as I have agreed to however.

Letterbox isn't working for my kids at the mo....

older kids are refusing to engage with BP as they have never written back...so now its overdue and I'm not going to do it....

BF is asking for his letter - he hasn't written back and though I wrote last year on behalf of the babies, I am being stubborn and can see older kids point. Also baby is very sick, toddler is very hard work and both have FAS, and I am bloody cross. I cannot think of what else to say except - what the bloody hell were you both thinking.....

However, letterbox works with the siblings, older kids write letters, we send pictures, we email randomly and not just the yearly letterbox. If something nice happens older kids will say, oh that was nice tell X mum, so I duly email siblings family and send a quick picture of whatever it is. So sibling letterbox is really becoming a lifeline for them, and though they have not lived together, older kids are concerned, interested, invested in the lives of the siblings that are not here....

Contact is such a funny thing, they lived with BP, yet have no interest at all in pursing a relationship. They know siblings only through photos and yet their relationship is growing, alive and being nurtured through us adults....Its scary for us as we allow whatever this is to happen.

Our letterbox is nothing to do with turning 18, and everything to do with supporting them now in their emotions and how they are growing up as adopted children.

I don't pretend to know anything about contact or why it is promoted. It does seem that there are changes in current thinking about it. I came across this research. I wonder if it is of help.

www.basw.co.uk/adoption-enquiry/

For me as a birth parent I feel like Contact should be assessed on an individual basis not just a one size fits all approach. For some I can completely understand that contact could be damaging and undermine the well being of the child and I question whether contact should then take place, however for others I feel or at least hope that it would have a positive impact and answer questions raised where possible.

I will always be as honest as is appropriate with my son whilst being mindful that I feel it’s best that he makes his own decisions in regards to his relationships with not only me but his birth father and any siblings on either side.

Miracle that's very similar to what the report says....
A rethink of contact arrangements between those adopted and their birth families was considered essential by many. They felt a need to move away from standardisation and formulas to
individualised contact planning, pointing out children of different ages have different contact
needs.

I think Miracle you are right there

@miracle1106 you say For me as a birth parent I feel like Contact should be assessed on an individual basis not just a one size fits all approach as offred has said, this is exactly what the research says... and has done for decades.

@clairedelalune thanks for your comments. I do feel you have a slightly naive, if not romantic, vision about contact no, my views are pretty much in line with research, and firm psychological principles, and you will see this below. It is better to avoid making assumptions - I went into a children's home at 5, eventually fostered and adopted, adoption disrupted at 16, alone and without support did A levels, went to university, came to terms with the past, and went on to have a successful career, get married, and to deal with various dangerous people and challenging situations along the way, so I am not particularly naive. This isn't to say I know all about contact, and as I said in one of the posts, my strongest feeling is that more research and guidance is needed.

As headwobble said it's not supposed to build/maintain a relationship for when child 18 no one has said that.... other than headwobble... if you read my comments you will see that letterbox is a bit of fudged compromise, and you will see why. There is judicial comment on the subject.

Until my child is able to understand and articulate their own views, as a parent I have to advocate for them. That's my job. I don't want the first 0.6cm if their life to define the remaining 99.4cm I think it is also your job to find out more about the psychological factors which will affect them, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that your linear theory is absolutely incorrect in terms of psychological development. Also, google genetic memory (parentingscience. com has a decent article on it I think, based and quoting peer reviewed research) - it affects everyone, but is of particular relevance to adoptive children because of their typical backgrounds and the lack of info and communication with bio family. The more you know about it, and about what will affect the child, the easier it is to help the child "re-wire".

In the vast majority of abusive/threatening relationships, the victim is advised to leave and cease any relationship with the abuser. Why should tis be different in adoption you are wrong on this point - other than in extreme cases in it is considered beneficial for the dc to have a relationship with the abusive ex, and the non-abusive parent has to manage it and manage the fall out. In fact, the courts at the moment seem to go too far to support the relationship with the abusive party but that is a whole other thread. The recommendations by psychologists are clear and have been for decades.

I personally don't think anyone has a right to be a parent, you have to prove yourself.... For me blood means nothing I read this comment a lot and it makes my blood boil! There are so many other relevant things to be considered, and saying this and thinking it doesn't help your child at all.

@bostonkremekrazy contact is such a funny thing, they lived with BP, yet have no interest at all in pursing a relationship. They know siblings only through photos and yet their relationship is growing, alive and being nurtured through us adults....Its scary for us as we allow whatever this is to happen by scary, do you mean about the dc going on to make good choices? If so it is worth talking to a psychologist who has experience, because there are ways of helping children in relation to contact to deal with feelings but also to develop their own compass which will direct them to good choices. If I misunderstood, pls just ignore. In relation to bp, this may change over time (though won't necessarily) so the same thing applies.

I have read this thread but refrained from responding until now because having discussed on here and in other forums in the past my view on contact is not to everyone’s taste. It is based on direct face to face contact. In Northern Ireland direct face to face contact is quite normal and is often a court order directed at point of adoption order. This of course can be reviewed and appealed as the child grows and proves to be not in their best interest.

People may say my views are romanticised and overly simplistic but they are also generally reflective of current research and findings of post adoption contact. My children have twice yearly face to face contact with birth parents along with regular ongoing sibling contact. I find this contact at present helpful ( they are still pre-school) in maintaining an open narritive in life story work and keeping their understanding of who birth parent is alive. Contact largely at present does not effect them. Where it does it opens up dialogue. It unearths feelings and questions that are there. It does not create questions it simply unearths them and allows us to deal with them. Better out than in as the phrase goes.

I am not naive enough to say this may not change and if it does and is having an adverse effect on them then we will apply to have the order changed or revoked and as far as I am aware this should be no difficulty as we are the parents who can make clear decisions for our children based on their needs.

I have complete empathy for our birth parent. I can see that she loves my children but due to very poor life experience herself she never stood a chance of making the right choices for her children. I don’t believe enough supports are in place to support some of our birth parents and actually for our particular BP her only hope was really to have been taken into care herself as a young child but SS failed her then too. As my children grow we will promote ourselves first and foremost as mummy and daddy and remind them regularly that mummy and daddy’s job is to keep them safe. This then leads to a narrative that explains that BP could not keep them safe and therefore they had to get a different mummy and daddy that could keep them safe. We will then make sure they know however that BP did love them but it was not right for them to grow up with her. Hopefully as they grow through contact they will begin to have their questions about BP and family answered at an age appropriate time, the mystery of who these people really are will be removed. IF and only if appropriate when they are in later teens and approaching adulthood they wish to develop a more meaningful relationship with BF we will hopefully be in the position to support this in a safe and controlled way.

I have no way of knowing or seeing how this will all turn out in the future but for now I know I am reinforcing my child’s need for security and safe and loving family now whilst facilitating their understanding of the family to which they belonged to before joining ours.

It is working for us and for many others I know who have a similar arrangement. Equally I know of others it has not worked for and they have changed the arrangement because ultimately each child is different and needs and requires different approaches.

@clairdelalune just one last thing, is that this really isn't about me and I would be grateful for no more assumptions and for the discussion to be purely about what we post. You cannot make assumptions about adoptees as a group, nor about the fact that my adoption disrupted - it hasn't put me off adoption, and though I won't adopt until my dc are older, my dc already very sweetly show a lot of interest already in us adopting as a family.

Wow a very interesting debate and a v complex one !
Of course we all come at it from different perspectives based on our circumstances and experiences of adoption and i couldnt agree more with the comment that no one size fits all.
I also i have to say that i am not a huge believer in current research and conclusions as experience has taught me that solid ideas touted as the definitive conclusion one minute can be thrown out the window when thinking changes so i prefer to ignore and do what i think is best interms of an individual childs interests.
I have fostered for 14 yrs and frankly have seen direct contact with various birth members enforced when all it did was further destroy the childs life and i hold the ( somewhat controversial in this day and age ) view that some children should be cut off completely from families who are never going to be able to provide anything positive. That is not to say that their past is denied but i feel sometimes a line should be drawn to give the child some chance of a normal (ish ) childhood.
However i am not opposed to direct contact for adopted children IF it is a positive thing. I do not think it should be an automatic thing but used if appropriate and regards the stance in northern ireland well only time will tell if it is a positive thing as an overall policy.
In our situation we actually suggested a direct contact once a yr as our childs parents love him but have had all their children removed as they cannot cope and he has v complex needs so they had no chance. I feel for them and if meeting up once a yr gives them some peace of mind then i am happy to do that. However there is no direct contact written into the adop order and personally with my experiences of fostering i would never adopt a child if it was court ordered.
So in conclusion i am my childs mother and i will decide what is and isnt in his best interests. I feel for ourmiracle and admire her putting her childs needs above everything else. I hope i have not offended anyone else and am not criticising anybody elses position on what is a v difficult issue .

This has been such an interesting thread.
I think, as an adopter, there are some elements where I feel threatened by birth parent contact. That could be viewed as a weakness of character or it could be seen as over protectiveness. I think it is good to admit to it though. I do letterbox because bp write back (which I admire them for). They both love my daughter (who wouldn’t, she is amazing!) and I actually feel sad that they missed out on such a wonderful child. However, they make terrible life decisions and decisions that would have put her in serious danger. Writing that letter is a link to them and that dangerous life and it terrifies me. All my motherly instincts tell me to prevent contact with people who are dangerous to my daughter. They would be dangerous without meaning to be, they know no other way of life. They would never mean to hurt her but it is likely they would.

So I suppose my first instinct is that face to face contact would be awful for me and for my child. I have not been trained in how to manage that kind of relationship. I try to influence my daughter to be a kind person, to be a role model. If she contacts them in her teen years she could really go off the rails. That is a risk we all take but terrifying. For me, It is about weighing up “contact” and “risk”. Contact = daughter knowing where she came from, understanding why her bp made the decisions they did. However it is a doorway into a world that I never want her to set foot in, both for her safety and mental health as she grows.
So letterbox for me is as much as I could take. And if anybody began making demands on me then I would react like a lion because the trust is so very limited. Adoption is an extremely personal journey for adoptees and adopters and birthparents. However, from my personal experience, I do not believe that my daughter would benefit from further contact and I don’t really care what the research says because research changes such a lot. That isn’t to say that that opinion won’t change as she grows older.

I do agree though that one size does not fit all.

Hi OneMiracle
I am like you. I didnt oppose the placement order as it became clear to me that my babies would be better with a stable family. I am already getting anxious about letter box contact and the matching hasnt even started yet. I am hoping the LA is competent but I am not holding my breath.

Just to add the ideas around genetic memory are fascinating. It is one thing for me to read the research and quite another for me to put anything into practise! I suppose I do think about that as we are prepared for the fact that our daughter will have personality traits that her bp have. That’s fine, she is an individual. She may have ideas I cannot explain. All I can do is support her, help her to figure out who she is (and where she might get certain traits from if necessary).

I don’t feel that knowing people who can put her in danger would help this though (well, the good would not outweigh the bad). Not with the current set up of social services. If I were a psychologist I might feel better prepared but most adoptive parents are not. Nor do social services in the uk offer support for such contact to make it beneficial. It’s all very well saying we have a responsibility to do research (and you’re right) but we also live with the practicalities of everyday life. Research is great but we aren’t given much training in how to put anything into practise and there isn’t a wealth of support at our fingertips for post adoption services sadly.

@Headwobble. The idea of genetic memory is very misunderstood- it's often used to explain pseudoscience. A search will show it being used to explain stuff like past life regression.

It does not mean that specific memories are encoded into genes. It refers to behaviours which have become inherited instincts because of natural selection. For example humans fear spiders for strong evolutionary reasons, it's likely to be an intrinsic (rather than learned) response (N.B. I have no idea whether that one actually is inherited, but you get the point).

There is some very limited evidence that some very simple experience might be passed on directly from parents- this is very new stuff, it has not been proven and a mechanism has not (to my knowledge) been proposed. If there is something to this, it's decades from being able to make any suggestions about it's impact on human behaviour- please don't put any of the rubbish on a site talking about 'genetic memory' into practice.

The general popular idea of 'genetic memory' was disproved a long time ago (take a look at Lamarckian Evolution). It was picked up again by Jung, but it's drivel.

A good example of how this rubbish uses Science to back up nonsense is this:
www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-adopted-my-child-birth-what-do-you-mean-trauma-alex-stavros
The article makes claims about genetic memory in adoption and seems to back them up. It links to a legitimate website, but oddly that article does not mention 'genetic memory'.

psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-trauma-in-the-womb/
When you go back to the original research you'll see that it seems to demonstrate a correlation which could be explained by the idea that babies are affected by sounds in the uterus (which is generally accepted, though quite limited). So the articles 'backed up' their rubbish with links which in no way support their assertions.

obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00016340600855854

Sorry, forgot link to original research.

Donquix - sorry I’m feeling tired today, are you saying that you do not believe the current research on genetic memory? This is the problem with all the research!

@Headwobble. No the term genetic memory is used in Biochemistry (my field) and Psychology, the problem is it is also misused to support rubbish.

I certainly wouldn't disbelieve legitimate research, I'm just cautioning against those who draw wild conclusions from it. Was there a particular study you had in mind?

don and headwobble (and anyone else interested) this is the article I read on genetic memory, it is in babycentre, not in parentingscience.com as I thought (but it was referenced by parentingscience):

blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/weird-science-your-early-life-stress-can-change-grandchilds-dna-and-personality/

parentingscience.com is basically a set of articles done using peer reviewed research (ie research subject to more than one study, by psychologists/psychiatrists). I have found it really good when putting it into action with dcs. Very practical and easy to understand!

My issue is that although it’s proven that one size does not fit all, local authorities are still doing generic contact arrangements.

I would hope that the contact letters my son gets from me aren’t upsetting and I work very hard and am very mindful in what I write in them. However some birth parents do use it to cause further harm whether that be deliberate or not.

For face to face contact be recommended to be fully explored by the judge in my sons case at the placement order I am sure that I am not a risk to my son. I was in a bad place and couldn’t protect either of us. Since then I have done extensive counselling and I am fully able to protect myself as much as the next person is.

I would love to think my son will want me to be a part of his life going forward but the reality is may not. My job as a birth parent is to answer questions he may have. Keep him updated in regards to birth family and to be open and honest, leaving the door open so he can get Those answers.

However I can only speak my myself. Answer he may want regards to birth father I might not be able to provide. Therefore having found out the new name of social worker I have let my sons birth father know, via an old Facebook account. My son has a right to a relationship will both me and him s birth dad should he wish to.

headwobble if you are ever interested in post adoption support in relation to psychological issues then this organisation looks really good beaconhouse.org.uk. I haven't used them, but i would definitely try them if I ever needed to - they are clinical psychologists who specialise in developmental trauma, they have a specific interest in adoption and can be funded by adoption support funding.

OP I hope it all turns out for the best for you all.