Letterbox

[OurMiracle1106]

I finally heard back from the new social worker which has taken a month, to be told adopters will be sending a letter next month. (So May)

Feel so disillusioned with the whole system right about now

Tempted to say I want contact formalised:

Please could the adopters explain why they would suddenly change things and do the minimum if there were a court order, and why they would consider it "nuclear" and a breach of trust? Surely it is there as an legitimate option for good reason? Thanks

Are you an adopter or a birth parent Superjam? Or neither?

Neither - why do you ask?

Because it says "I don't accept that you are this child's full, and only legal, parents, and I want to use legal means to take control away from you, and put you in your place. I don't accept that you will be acting in the child's best interests."

The harsh reality is that Miracle couldn't parent her son at that time, and he needed new parents. Taking person's parents to court because something is happening she doesn't like undermines any trust that's being built between her, and the parents who are doing the graft of raising her son. She posts gratitude about these people, taking them to court does not demonstrate gratitude, it will push them away.

Adopters are just normal parents. Any parent threatened with court about their children would hunker down. Imagine a distant aunt threatening you with court for being slow with the Christmas card update on the kids - it's nuclear, and severs, rather than builds, trust and relationships.

As an adopter, as a mum, I know my kids best. If I see it's best for them if contact content or timing changes, then I am the one who makes that decision, legally, we are the parents. It may not be necessary, or in their best interests too share why changes need to be made. These children are scarred by their experiences, and adoptive parents can be protective. There is usually good reason children are adopted in the first place, after all. If the birth parents took us to court, they're saying they don't trust us, and they know better than the people raising the children, and want to force the parents of the children to do something those parents have said no to. In that situation, I would do exactly what I was being forced to do, to the letter. The goodwill would be gone.

thomas thanks for your answer. Adopters are just normal parents. Any parent threatened with court about their children would hunker down. Imagine a distant aunt threatening you with court for being slow with the Christmas card update on the kids - it's nuclear, and severs, rather than builds, trust and relationships I think the difference is that distant aunts are able to make direct contact, whereas birth parents are not.

The significance of the court order is that the birth parent is asking the court to make a judgement, not the birth parent making a judgement. I can see how that might cast fear into a parent's hearts, but I am not sure it is right to hold it against the birth parent.

As an adopter, as a mum, I know my kids best. If I see it's best for them if contact content or timing changes, then I am the one who makes that decision, legally, we are the parents. It may not be necessary, or in their best interests too share why changes need to be made. These children are scarred by their experiences, and adoptive parents can be protective. There is usually good reason children are adopted in the first place, after all. If the birth parents took us to court, they're saying they don't trust us, and they know better than the people raising the children, and want to force the parents of the children to do something those parents have said no to. In that situation, I would do exactly what I was being forced to do, to the letter. The goodwill would be gone it sounds as though contact via the court in this situation is nothing to do with the parents, it is to do with how letterbox is being managed by the LA. Why the assumption that it is a declaration of war?

Superjam some adoptive families may be aware of previous high-risk behaviour from birth families, and be genuinely afraid of somehow exposing a child to a risk. Letterbox letters are incredibly hard to write - you want to put in enough detail that it means something, but not so much that your location or family become identifiable... If I had even a small sense that birth family were trying to push to control contact and I felt the child's needs or safety could be compromised, it would hugely change any future letters I wrote. Not because I want to withhold information out of pique, but because I'd be extra-careful every single word was neutral and anonymous. That would make the letters pretty short.

Miracle the things we can't control are the very toughest sources of stress to overcome. I do feel for you. We've had no acknowledgement of receipt of our letter by the "specialist" letterbox person in the LA since emailing it two months ago (after it took 4 weeks to track down the email address of the latest person doing the job). I will chase up again when I have the strength, but I can't let myself get too caught up in it - I think LA time is the same as hospital time: absolutely nothing happens when it was promised, and I have to let it go or it can eat me up.

Because the adoptive parents will be served court papers for a contact order under the children's act. Court is way overkill for this.

What do you know about letterbox, superjam? Do you know it's voluntary? Do you know children often ask for it to stop? Do you live with the fall out of their response to it?

What do you know about adoption?

I don't think the court can/will make the L A do anything. As I've said, I think the easiest thing to modify is Miracle's expectations around delays and contact, and the stress it is causing her. Encouraging her to apply to court will cause much more drama, for everyone, will not do her son any good whatsoever, as his parents will be stressed, and won't likely have the outcome she desires. I think Miracle hopes for contact due on an exact date, in the school holidays when she is free, on time, every time. Social services just don't work like that.

Miracle, I feel every time you are due contact, there is a thread of drama. And I'm glad this is a space you can share that. But the contact is what it is, is the drama helping?

@superjam

The significance of the court order is that the birth parent is asking the court to make a judgement, not the birth parent making a judgement.

Parents have almost total rights in this country to make decisions about their children- this is altered by a court in the most extreme of circumstances. It would not happen in this case.

it sounds as though contact via the court in this situation is nothing to do with the parents, it is to do with how letterbox is being managed by the LA. Why the assumption that it is a declaration of war?

It is possible for ongoing contact to be managed by another agency than the placing LA, but this is not the way that would occur. Contact is at the parents discretion and it would not be likely to change another agency without their support. There are processes where a LA is not doing it's job and the first one is a formal complaint.

Any court process is stressful, it would not be fair to the parents. My child's BPs would never hear from us again if they did this; they permanently harmed my kids- you can see why adopters are so protective.... BUT I have no reason to think this is the case with OP (it is for most adopters) and regardless she clearly tries to do the right thing with contact. It's a very different situation to mine and when the parents are sending pictures twice year they obviously value it as much as her.

Personally I think thomas is correct that a change of perspective might be a better plan, but that has to be the OP's choice and she's certainly correct that it seems badly organised and frustrating in the past.

All of this moot, because in this case the delay is caused because the child's parents can't write for a month or so.

The reality is they now haven’t got time to write because they didn’t have contact details to deal with it at the agreed time. Social services can say all they like “we will remind in future” but tbh it’s too little too late, and honestly social services have breached my trust too many times for me to have any faith in them.

My letter when it is received will sit there until May half term when I can collect as post goes missing from the communal mail box so now my concern is that they will end up with a letter around the time of my sons birthday.

I’m also of the mindset that how can I answer questions that I don’t know have been asked?

You have to trust that the adoptive parents have good reasons as to why it's late. There is nothing you can do about that, now.

AFAIK, you've chosen not to tell them you need the letter in school holidays, so how are they to know? But it's never that long until the next holiday, so it's annoying, but it's not the end of the world. Your OP says they're planning to write in May.

If your contact is due, you could write a chatty letter about yourself and what you've been up to, and ask some questions yourself? Or just wait, and reply when it comes.

Try not to see barriers and take things personally, this is the nature of letterbox, I think- time drifts, and awkward letters to strangers.

The harder you push here, the harder the wall you'll meet, I suspect.

If I’m honest I think and hope they just carry on there normal lives. Generally get a reminder (prompted by me email social worker) that contact is due shortly and the rearranging of contact was for when we were all less busy so now they are too busy.

I trust 100% that his parents have his best interests in mind I however don’t trust that the local authority does. At least they are incompetent and disorganised. I don’t know any other organisation where it’s ok to take a month to know whose dealing with it and even then I only got that information by contacting what had been my sons adoption social worker.

The LA likely don't have his best interests at heart, and, yes, they are likely incompetent and disorganised. You cannot change that, unless we get an election, or revolution, or something, that will not change.

Taking your son's parents to court will cause a whole load of heartache. But it will not change the LA.

Letterbox cannot be court directed, it can be advised but ultimately adoptive parents are the legal parents and get to make the decisions about what is best for their children. They are not babysitters. I agree with pp who have said this would make them less forthcoming with any future letterbox.

2 weeks on from complaint I got a response today. My complaints been upheld and they apologise: so nothing changes then! An apology is great IF things change if not then it’s meaningless tbh

It is good to know I’m not being unreasonable though. I think waiting over a month to know whether or not the letter is there is ridiculous. It’s a yes or a no answer.

Im unsurprised tbh that parents (birth or parents) give up with the letterbox. The complaint procedure doesn’t produce changes should is frustrating and court alienated all parties.

Firstly @OurMiracle1106 I have followed your story over the years and my heart really goes out to you. You had to make a very difficult choice and it is my understanding, from my experiences as adopter, that you are very unique as a birth parent. You have made the ultimate sacrifice for your child. Please do not go down court route as I agree that you would lose all the trust you have built up with your son's parents; if that were me I would shut down completely. Your son's parents will fully understand your circumstances and be, I would have thought, very sympathetic and empathetic, which is much more than a lot of us can be. Going to court would undo all that. I think you should contact the letterbox co-coordinator rather than social workers.

@superjam you appear to have little understanding of adoption. Once the adoption order is granted the birth parents have as much claim over that child as the tesco delivery man. Letterbox contact is not to keep birth parents happy or informed about the child, although it often serves to do so, but is to hope that it helps the child understand what happened in their earlier life. It's not really designed to build a relationship. For most of us we fo it because it has been advised that we do and often it feels like we are writing to thin air (nine of my adopter friends ever received a reply), but we do it because it may (and i stress may) help our child in the future (but as muggit says it can be damaging and unwanted by the child) as others have said, and muggit articulates this so well, we are parents (I forget that mine is adopted) not some random breed of human being. We will do anything to protect our families.

I think my best bet is to ask that the contact agreement be revised with New months input- so we all know where we stand. (I hope that wouldn’t upset my sons parents as they were the ones to ask for the months to be changed and would just make these changes official)

I continue onto stage 2 of the complaints process in regards to social services handling of the contact- I’m sure my sons parents won’t be notified and even if they were what would they be told “birth Mum has complained that letter sit on social workers desk for weeks at a time and they fail to respond to her” As a result thus is what’s expected social worker will notify birth Mum within x days contact has been received and shall respond within x days to emails. I don’t think that would scare them (or certainly hope it wouldn’t!) and hope it wouldn’t damage our relationship.

As adoptive parents would anyone feel threatened/undermined/upset by these actions?

That sounds ok to me
As I said before, your situation is different to many of ours; I doubt for example that the parents are constantly looking over their shoulders in fear and understand your motives completely.

clair what specific thing (ie please quote) did I write which indicates a lack of understanding of adoption?

OP I think lots of good points have been made on here, and many comments have been very genuine and heartfelt, but I feel it would be wise for you to take objective advice in real life about what can be achieved via the court order, with likely pros and cons, in relation to your specific situation. Whatever the outcome is, I don't think you are creating drama, I think that contact is of immense importance for some adoptees and the situation is real, it isn't making a mountain out of a molehill or creating drama. It is a serious issue which is worthy of investigation. I think getting support on here is great, but supplementing the support with some objective advice in real life from someone who knows their onions is a good idea too.

Your posts in general suggest little understanding, and you state you are neither adopter nor birth parent. Although you could of course be adopted yourself, in which you would know about being adopted, but maybe not the legalities etc that your parents and birth parents would have faced. That is all. I apologise if you were offended.

what specific thing (ie please quote) did I write which indicates a lack of understanding of adoption?

1. You don't seem to know that the choice of contact agency is down to the parents, not the birth parents.

1. You keep suggesting that court action might be a viable choice, despite having been told that this is not the mechanism for changing contact agency (except in some strange scenario where APs and BPs want to and the LA are being obstructive).

1. You've stated you are not a BP or adopter. You are clearly not a SW.

1. You are surprised about the parents likely reaction- anyone who'd spoken to many adopters would not be. I think any adoptee wouldn't be either.

I question the motivation of someone who name changes just to post on this thread, then pushes the worst possible choice for the OP as a viable option. I can't imagine who IRL would 'know their onions' about the likely reactions of adopters, more than adopters.

I would respectfully suggest that we all consider whether further engagement with superjam is helpful.

As adoptive parents would anyone feel threatened/undermined/upset by these actions?

No. I doubt they would be told about your complaint, but if they are (as part of nailing down details) then I would expect them to understand completely. It's only the court action that I think had the potential to be very misconstrued.

I find it inconceivable that they haven't experienced at least some of what you have. Wanting clarity is completely understandable.

Having been successful with this complaint I would definitely use the chance to try to get it as sorted as possible.

clair no offence taken.

don you wrote parents have almost total rights in this country to make decisions about their children- this is altered by a court in the most extreme of circumstances and you are wrong, parents do not have rights, children do, in the UK. The court order we are talking about here is there for a reason, and my advice to the OP was to get some proper advice, my advice to the OP was not to pursue a court order. I don't know enough about it to give advice, and I suspect you don't either.

I don't know enough about it to advise her to pursue a court order, or not pursue it, is what I meant. And nor do you.

There is no court order, superjam, and there wouldn't be, in all likelihood. There is the "no order principle", and since Miracle's son's parents are engaging with contact at the expected amount, no judge can make a contact order.

Miracle's son's parents are the only people with legal parental responsibility, i.e. the only people who legally have the responsibility to make decisions about him. Basically, no one can tell them what to do any more than any other parents. They're not parents lite.

Superjam, you are wrong. You clearly don't know enough to advise.