I am a counsellor to a little girl - would I ever be allowed to adopt her?

[DebbieLax]

For a whole variety of reasons, I can't post much at all (confidentiality, etc.)

If you can't advise, due to very little information, no worries thanks anyway.

It's unlikely I think, depending on where you are. In the U.K. I'm pretty sure it would breach your code of ethics - there would need to be a good length of time between the counselling relationship and any other form of relationship and you'd need to go through the approval process, which can be long and I don't think a local authority would want to assess you with a particular child in mind from the start.

In terms of working things out it might help to think about a few questions. Would you be looking to adopt if it wasn't this child? What's driving those feelings and why this child specifically? What if you weren't able to meet her needs or she wasn't a good match with your family set up?

Have you taken it to supervision?

Bear in mind that children who have experienced abuse/neglect are experts in finding 'rescuers' and making adults feel that they can fix it all - that's how they survive. But once the 'rescuer' becomes the carer then the child quite often moves on to find another rescuer, and turns the carer into the perpetrator.

Would seek advice off social services, Not unusual by no means, there are lots of different adoption routes and alternatives, Friends and relatives, Special guardianship's.,
All children are different, as are their situations and reasons for adoption or being in care.
Which ever route you take you will have too go through due process as like everyone.
Presume you are a professional and may be have met other children
requiring help and understanding, if so would be favourable.
Would enquire of child's situation there may be a plan already in place
so soonest you enquire the better.
Wish you luck.

Allington
Bear in mind that children who have experienced abuse/neglect are experts in finding 'rescuers' and making adults feel that they can fix it all - that's how they survive. But once the 'rescuer' becomes the carer then the child quite often moves on to find another rescuer, and turns the carer into the perpetrator.

Is there any research to support this theory please?

bloodyfuming

johnmsimmons.com/rad-charm-reactive-attachment-disorder/

www.childrenintherapy.org/attachmentdisorder.html

www.attachmenttherapy.com/ad.htm

instituteforattachment.ong/a-moms-memoir-through-attachment-disorder-putting-on-the-charm/

Charming behaviour, drawing people in, getting people to look after them is what Attachment Disorder is. It's part of the definition.

As for OP's question, it certainly sounds like professional boundaries are questionable here, and the suggestion of discussing it at supervision sounds a good one.

They do it because they have had to in order to survive - I am not being judgemental about the child.

But found that with both foster daughters, they were a magnet for school counsellors/ teachers who were convinced the problem was my parenting . The older one went to live with boyfriend's family because I was so unkind. That broke down after a few months, when she was 'rescued' by a teacher. That lasted about 6 weeks... etc etc

Interestingly I was the only one who challenged her rather than throw her out, and the only one she is still in touch with and calls 'Mum'.

Bear in mind that children who have experienced abuse/neglect are experts in finding 'rescuers' and making adults feel that they can fix it all - that's how they survive. But once the 'rescuer' becomes the carer then the child quite often moves on to find another rescuer, and turns the carer into the perpetrator

This is excellent advice and you must take it very seriously .

You must discuss these feelings with your supervisor as a matter of urgency . You need to get suport to ensure that your work with this child is not doing her more harm than good.

I would definitely second what Kr1stina has to say. Please speak to your supervisor about this. I'm sure as a counsellor you're very aware of transference and counter transference and the impact of this on you and your client. I regularly have checks in with my supervisor as I work with a lot of adopted and looked after children and their parents/carers...now that we are thinking about adopting I have to be very aware of how this impacts on my work as a therapist as I am aware that I may make assumptions or assign my own feelings to clients as well as wanting to make things work for them to prove to myself that adoptions that are breaking down can be 'rescued' to reassure my future, potential adoptive parent self rather than because I am doing my job.

I have seen a lot of other professionals becoming enmeshed in the lives of adopted/CLA children, even taking them in to be fostered and there have been some disasterous consequences...placements breakdown as well as completely undermining the parents/carers they already have.

Obviously you've had to withhold a lot of information here for confidentiality so a lot of assumptions have been made by those responding (including me) based on their own experiences so it's pretty hard to comment on your individual case but I hope the replies have given you some helpful food for though

I have seen a lot of other professionals becoming enmeshed in the lives of adopted/CLA children, even taking them in to be fostered and there have been some disasterous consequences...placements breakdown as well as completely undermining the parents/carers they already have

Yes me too. I know of a teacher who became inappropriately involved with an adopted child and ended up leaving her job . She sat and sobbed in meeting with other professionals and the child's parents saying " she told me I was the only one who ever understood her and that she had never trusted anyone before me. How can she do this to me ? " .

She contributed significantly to the breakdown of the placement and the child spent the rest of her childhood in residential care . In the long term she was permanently estranged from her own family. And the teacher left her job - she wasn't fired, just felt she had lost all credibility in her school and with other agencies ( as she had ) .

Don't let this be you. As well as putting this child at risk you are potentially risking your own career. Please get appropriate support now.

Something I've been told as a therapist is that alarm bells should ring if you hear or get the sense of 'no one's ever understood me like you' or 'you're the only one I feel gets me/listens' etc etc...it's a bit of an ego boost initially but generally means you're heading for a pretty big fall

Oh, and I've known a school learning mentor pick a child up on Christmas Day and take her to spend it with her family

If you feel this way as a counsellor you have crossed a line. You should refer her on to someone else, hard to do but necessary. You need to work on your own issues with a supervisor or other counsellor.