Sending our adopted DD to a private school - yes or no?

[Laptop16]

Hi there,

Am really struggling with this. We have 4 DC. 2 girls and 2 boys. One of our DDs is adopted. We adopted her when she was 1.

All our other DC are at private schools (7, 11 and 15)... She is now 3 and doesn't attend nursery (due to her attachment issues). However, is a very happy child.

I am just struggling with school choices. There is an Outstanding primary school close by and think that if any other problems develop at a later time, they would best support her? To be honest, we think this is the best choice. She may not be able to cope with full-time school, etc. and they will be able to support her with this, won't they?

My only issue is, will she feel like we don't love her as much as our biological children? As she begins to get older? This is my main worry.

Any advice would be great.

I am adopted and have lived with attachment issues all my life and don't take rejection well.
I had a terrible education, wasn't supported with my sn at all, but all this was a long time ago and not representative of today.
However, it doesn't mean that because a school is good they will be able to help in the future with any problems that arise, whether private or state.
I think if you dedicate your life to making all your children's outcomes the best you can do for them, you have succeeded.
I'd look at both schools and do a pro and con list keeping emotions out of it.
At least then you will know your judgement is right and you can honestly tell your adopted child while you made the decision.

Depends on the child, have had children home schooled yet on transition too college have excelled, some ex foster children are again excelling in private school's but no more than those in state system, you know your child best not forgetting children also have a choice's. Would also consider
effects of separation and loss, related too early years trauma and attachment's.

Would a private school have a decent SENCO in place? I'd worry they hadn't enough experience to properly support your dc. Especially if they are focused on results. I'd also be looking round at the parents and wondering how supportive and welcoming they would be if your dc needs extra help.
Obvs you know the school best. But i wouldn't beat yourself up that you're not looking after your dc properly for heaven's sake! You do what's best for each one - that doesn't mean you do the same thing.

No real advice, but a friend of mines son used to go to the same primary as my DS. This boy got loads of extra help at primary and was still behind most of the rest of the class. Now they are junior school age he has moved to a local private primary school, is not on the SEN register any more and is thriving.
Many private schools do have very good SEN support, particularly in primary so I think the key here is to research, research, research.

Treating equally does not mean treating the same.

If you decide state is best for your youngest, I would be clear though that they get a similar monetary investment, perhaps in something they love, like horse riding, or an instrument, etc. Be explicit that it's not about the money, and ensure she doesn't feel hard done by financially.

I would look at both, and also other schools. We have a free school locally that would be a disaster for our older DS. But for the younger one could be just the ticket, as it's very arty and "alternative".

We have a mixture of bc and ac. We also have a mixture of state and indie schools. We have chosen the school that suits the child the best....treating them the same for us has meant looking at each child individually and saying what do you need?
I also dont justify to anyone why which child goes to which school...its nobodies busiess but ours 😈

DS has had significant support from his state primary. I don't think he would still be at a local private primary now. My experience of the private schools around here is that they struggle to support SEN - even dyslexia and any SEN which have a behavioural component are even worse!

So there isn't an easy answer, I can only suggest you speak to each of the schools you are considering very carefully.

At age 4 I really wouldn't worry about what she thinks - she won't! At an older age you can have the conversation with her if necessary about what a lovely school t was and how you saved the money for pony/tennis/sailing lessons for her instead. And it's not set in stone - if you decide at say 7/8 you can always move her if it's appropriate.

I would be looking at what pastoral care the schools offer and go with which is best.

I'd contact both schools and ask to go in and speak to them about their SN set up and suss out their understanding of early trauma and attachment.

OFSTED ratings do not reflect the pastoral care available. Our 1st primary was rated highly by them but did nothing for our AC's behavioural issues, the 2nd primary was not so well rated but turned out to be fantastic and helped our child enormously.

No experience with regards to adoption. However I wanted to say that a school being private or state will not have any bearing on how well they deal with any special needs the children have.

We have in the past moved one of our children out of the state system into the private as that specific private school was better able to deal with her special needs.

Close friends have moved their child out of a private school and to a state school to find a school that met their childs special needs.

The advice to look at each school and make a pro and con list IMO is good. Don't look at " private/ state" find out what you need to know and work out what each school has to offer

Stuff like how do they deal with special needs? is it different depending on special needs (some schools excel in dealing with dyslexia for example some will not do anything)

Also remember some private schools are specifically set up to deal with special needs. The one we moved dd2 to specialised in dyslexia (she left 2 years later able to read)

Not saying that I know anything about adoption and a adopted childs needs. However I know that there are good state schools and bad state schools and good private schools and bad private schools. You can't simply say because it is private it wont work or because it is state. Look closely at each school.

Try not to think of it as private vs state. Go and have a look around the potential schools and make a judgement on which you think will suit better based on all the factors you mention.

In your position I would also worry that I wasn't treating all my children the same way. My sibling and I went to very different schools and I know this still upsets him a little.

But you could always start off in State and move later to private school if there are any problems.

I would say private school all the way if you can afford it. As a nanny I have a vast experience with many different children and I have found that those with attachment issues (some of whome where also adopted) have coped better in a private school environment than a state environment where classes etc are much larger

I would look at the individual schools. You can't generalise.

That said...While many private schools will have smaller classes, they will have less experience in this area, and their response to any behavioral issues will be to ask you to remove your DD. This will exacerbate any attachment issues.

In your place I think I would be inclined to start to look for a state school with experience of LAC - I am assuming that as an ex LAC your DD will be top of the admissions listvwherever you apply.

I would not worry about her thinking you have treated her differently to your BCs at this stage.

Nanny - I really don;t think it's that simple. I am absolutely positive that the local private schools wold not have dealt with DS at all well. As it is he got emergency funding via the school for a full time 1:1 TA which has made the difference. Whilst I take the point about smaller classes, there is no chance that a private school would have funded such a person for him.

It really is much more about the individual school mostly driven in my experience by the head.

My Adopted DC go to an outstanding state primary. It has been a struggle to get any help with their particular issues and the school are extremely reluctant to spend any of the Pupil premium funds.

My DS has just about come through unscathed and will start at grammar school in September. What they have been terrible at is helping him with his emotional issues. I was refused any help at all from the school when he was going through some serious problems a few years ago. They show no empathy at all for the stuff he has had to go though as an adoptive child and their attitude towards him made his problems worse. Thankfully post adoption support provided some therapy which helped.

I've decided that DD will go to a non selective private school and if I could afford it I would transfer her right now so that she doesn't have to endure another two years at her current school. She struggles academically and I think the small class sizes will be a huge help to her. Our outstanding primary school has failed her miserably but that's a whole other subject!

Hi Laptop 16,

I know it’s a couple of years on- and I’ve actually joined Mumsnet just to reply to your question 😂….what did you decide on your question?

I’d love to know as we are seriously considering adoption but our hold back at the minute is that our two children (6 and 8) are at private school and we are worried about a similar issue if we adopted.

Thank you so much, I’d appreciate a reply hugely xxxx

I am not the original poster but I will reply given that I have personal experience of this. My eldest bs went to a private school and got on amazingly well. When my younger bs was of school age we promptly sent him off to the same school, we knew it well, the school knew us as a family. However, when he became a ‘not in the box’ type of child to manage (and I will point out this was in reception) they asked him to leave. Just like that. At the end of the day they are a business providing a service to parents that can afford to pay. What that actually means is that the parents have voices and the school is often ‘run’ by them. We were devastated at the time but in hindsight it was the best thing to happen for our son. We now also have adopted children and I would never ever consider the private sector for them. The private schools I am aware of would never be able to manage them because they simply wouldn’t want to. I like to think that I choose the right school for the individual child. If that meant sending a birth child private but an adopted child to a state school then that is the choice I would make.

I think it also depends on the private school, they can vary quite a lot.

I'm a big believer of 'you should treat your kids equally but you can't always treat them the same' You're identifying that your adopted child has different needs to your birth children and that's really positive thing. If your instinct is that they'll be better at the state primary then go for it. What I would do is earmark a similar amount of money as your other kid's school fees and have it available to spend it on anything AD might need for support eg private tuition/counselling/hobbies. You have clear evidence for her then that you've treated her EQUALLY to her siblings even if not necessarily the same. The day will likely come that she has the capacity for you to involve her in the decision and she may mature in such a way that her needs change. In which case you may want to reconsider private school. However for now I think you're absolutely right to do what you think is best for meeting her needs xx

Wow I saw this post and then realised it's an old one that I replied to when my DS was about to start at grammar school, He is now about to take his GCSEs!

What I wrote all those years ago was that I intended to send my DD to a private school for secondary.

Strangely in the end I sent her to an outstanding state school because when we looked around it ticked all the boxes on pastoral care for an adopted child.

Event stranger is that after two years we admitted defeat and transferred her to private for Y9 and it's so much better. I really do regret not sending her private from the very beginning but I assumed state would have better provision and experience of her particular issues. Both of the state schools she attended let her down badly.

On a positive note DS has had fantastic support at his state grammar and had been given excellent pastoral support on the many times he has needed it.

I guess you just have to do what's best for each individual child's needs whether they are adopted or not .

I'm not in this situation, but am in the process of looking at adoption with a birth child.

I would say it's right to select the right school for your ac - private or not.

However if you chose state school could you put the money you would have spent on their private education into savings for them? So they get the benefit of knowing that you didn't select state school for them because you were treating them differently or a second-class child compared to your bc?

This might help them deal with the rejection of wondering why they weren't financially invested in in the same way your bc were?
It would show the motivation for choosing the school you do choose has nothing to do with the money it would cost.

Your adopted child should be treated the same as your other dc and go to private. The feeling of being treated differently will be worse for her.

I'd go looking for the best SENCO you can find.
That said you should try a good nursery or preschool now. You need evidence to apply for EHCP or top up SEN funding. Usually 1-3 terms worth of evidence.
You're going to have to pin schools down on whether they will provide additional staff if your child needs 1:1 before the application is accepted and the funding comes through (because it doesn't get backdated). If you find one that commits to that then go with it because they are like goldust.