Nightmare with daughter at school

[HammerToFall]

I'm having a nightmare with dd 8 at school in year fourSo as not to drip feed she is adopted, was placed with us at 12 months and went straight into foster care from birth. She also is working at a year 2 level, there is a strong history of learning difficulties in the birth family background.

Dd has always been a well liked happy child at school but since she went back in September things have got pretty bad.

Her behaviour at school is unacceptable. She refuses to even look at her work, she is disruptive and rude. She starts fights with other children in the class and does things like lie on the floor in the middle of the classroom and refuse to move or engage with any member of staff. She did a runner of the school bus on a swimming trip a couple of weeks ago and they couldn't find her for fifteen minutes.

School are now threatening inclusive exclusion and then if that doesn't work straight forward exclusion. I'm so worried about her future and where this is going to go.

We have tried talking to her obviously and all we get is there's no problem and she doesn't know why she does it. School have tried and she just refuses to even look at the teacher never mind speak.

How can we get to the bottom of this if she won't open up?

Slkk, k have joined the group on Facebook. Sleep,is not looking great at the minute I've had about ten hours j. The past four day, worrying! However I am tAking dd along to my bootcamp sessions which are just about keeping me sane.

Exercise! Great for both of you. Hope you manage to find some quiet times together and apart the next few days. Does she like reading or have any story tapes/CDs? Ds finds these very therapeutic and will listen on his own for hours. As Italian says, try to make sure you have some peace and relaxation time as much as you can. I've also spent many many hours worrying - but guess what? It changes nothing! Hope Dh is not away at the moment and you have someone in rl to share the burden. If not, just keep talking to us and we will hand hold all we can :)

How has today been OP.?

Yesterday was ok. Dd is just very volatile and it's draining. When dh came in we all had tea and then at six I got a bath and went to bed and have slept straight through till now!

On the school front, one of the teachers rang me today )it is actually ds teacher). He told me his mum is a foster cater and has been for years and he gets it!!

He has asked if dd would like to into school just a couple of times for next week for a couple of hours and do fun stuff with him to break the negative cycle of the feelings school gives her! I haven't decided if this is a good idea or not yet but at least there is someone there who gets it.

Dh is off work at the weekend so on Saturday I'm going to my mum and dads in my own to spend the night and have a bit of respite. I hope this doesn't make dd worse but I feel that if I'm not good nobody else will be if you see what I mean.

She is seeing the therapist next week so hopefully the ball ha started rolling. I just need to keep chasing up the after adoption support team to come and do the assessment because these therapy sessions aren't cheap and we can't afford them long term.

Another thing I noticed she started doing. Just before she starts being volatile before things are in full swing but heading that way she gets this weird smirk on her face. I seem to remember from doing some attachment training years ago that this is quite common and is a cover up for how she is feeling. It's so weird though and kind of looks like she's telling me that she knows I know what's coming. That is difficult to deal with.

Been reading this thread, Hammer, and just want to say how sorry I am that you and your poor DD are going through this.

I think it's lovely that the teacher called - and I think it does sound like a good idea maybe to go in for an hour (maybe not 2) to try and see if the negative cycle can be broken - she might also see that people do want to help her and that the school isn't rejecting her. We are about to adopt again and when I went in to chat to DS's teacher, I almost cried when his teacher said "that's lovely and BtW my best friend adopted 2 children 6 years ago so I am a bit familiar with some of the issues." I feel like she gets some of the challenges.

It's not ideal you have to go away but I think I would in your shoes too - and your DH is around and you need to look after yourself and keep strong and healthy. And stress and no sleep is no good for anyone. You poor thing.

Hi hammer, open you are OK. Ironically I was called into ds's school today to bring him home after a rage started before he got into class and two members of staff got injured. Yikes. So will join your sleepless worrying for now! Hope you have a lovely weekend and get some rest.
Wrt going into school - I wouldn't do this the same week she is starting her therapy. Therapy can sometimes bring big feelings to the surface and make everything a bit more raw.
Enjoy your rest x

Aw slkk it's an awful feeling isn't it. I've been for a three mile
Run and had a couple of glasses of wine so I'm feeling pretty at peace at the minute. It's gonna be a long haul though. Feel free to message me any time X

I will, hammer. Yes I think you're right. There's no quick fix for our kids.

Just checking in and waving

Brilliant that another teacher has recognised possible underlying reasons AND feels confident enough to try and help. That's a great resource to have in your corner, hopefully to mentor and support the new teacher later on too.

I hope the therapist is a good one - make sure your house is well-stocked with chocolate/wine/your own therapy of choice, as I'm sure you're semi-braced that therapy sessions will bring their own fallout afterwards so to start with, will put more emotional strain on you (totally, totally the right path to take though, of course).

Fingers crossed post-adoption support get their wheels turning too.