Thread for adults who were adopted and need support

[Slippersmum]

I always worry about posting for support on this thread as really I see it as somewhere for people who are going through the adoption process to chat and gain support from each other. I just wondered if there are any adults out there who were adopted and have things they would like to share? Really do not want to upset any adopters going through the process.

I haven't got a bond with my sister particularly we don't really have much in common. I was young when I traced her (18) too young for me personally to cope.

Can I ask why you didn't trace your bm?

Oh right, yes that is young, I understand. I was young when I got the letter physically & mentally plus I have an awful relationship with my adoptive DM.

Really there's lots of reasons, rejection is one but I think that the ultimate reason is that I think she won't live up to my expectations. I expected her to have made a better life for herself as I have done & from what I've seen on FB that's not the case.

That's probably harsh but I need a stable mother figure & I'd rather have none than two who are incapable of providing that.

I would consider writing to her to let her know how I am but that's as far as I could go at the minute (I am not even sure if I have that option as I don't know enough about the formal process).

I've been rejected twice too, double whammy.

My cousin who is also adopted had an even odder experience than me.

At 42 he decided to contact SS for his files. His BM was very easy to trace, we tracked her whole life from marriage to divorce to second marriage. Her son is a mirror image of my cousin, as his her grandson.

We checked and double checked. Got the birth, adoption, marriage and subsequent birth certificates. Her FB page was open and her fathers name and sisters and brothers names matched. We were 99.99% certain it was her.

Cousins wife sends brief letter stating she was contacting several people who had same name and Month/year of birth as she was looking for her husbands birth mother.

11pm the following Tuesday a very drunk and slurring woman called my cousin. Said she was not his mother, but wanted to know lots about his life?

Cousin has decided it's definitely her, but has decided that a drunken call at 11pm means that she's maybe a little unstable. It's quite sad as we're sure of who she is, and she felt the need to call but couldn't admit it. I wonder if the loss led to this? Cousin just shrugged and said you don't miss what you never had. Men seem tougher but I do worry about him bottling it up.

For those of you who have thought of searching but haven't yet or can't quite take the plunge to make that first call/send a letter...

Do you find that you think about it more often than others? What are your triggers?

Sometimes, if I am very, very, very honest, I tend to gravitate towards the searching when I am procrastinating or a bit bored.

To clarify, I did have the agency send a bunch of letters out several years ago which resulted in nothing. Subsequent to that, I was able to do searching and - I believe - answer many questions. Or, at least I have a story that satisfies me.

Now I have this terrible fear that since I basically know as much as it's possible to know w/o speaking to them (and at least as much as the agency knows which is what used to bug me) it's now become a bit of a case of 'the Devil makes work for idle hands to do' for me when I dig deeper and contemplate taking it further. And it's one of the main reasons I have hesitated to act on it. Yes, I may be entitled to know. But the consequences it could have for other people's lives of me reaching out, after a lazy afternoon, could be breath taking and I don't feel I have the right to do that. If the only way to resolve my questions was speaking to them, I suppose I would have done this and felt okay with doing it. BUt the reality is I did have alternatives (thank God for social media...)

I don't know if it's any comfort to adoptive parents that a downturn in my relationship with my adoptive parents (big fight etc) has NEVER been a trigger for my searching. There is no question that I wouldn't be looking to find an alternative relationship, it's been to address an entirely different psychological need. For me anyway.

I do, however, think about how I would feel if I suddenly came across my BM's obituary. Would I have regrets that we never, ever had the chance to speak?

Feeling really peed off. But happy too. The paradox of adoption?

Just had a lovely night with my dad. Real dad not bio.

Told him that I felt that bio dad over stepped the line way back in Christmas 2004. Dad said yeah it made him uncomfortable and I said yeah me too. We should have talked at the time!

My dad is not a man of emotion or words, but he felt overpowered by bio dad as did I. We both decided he is a non entity in our lives now. We have talked about contacting my half brother on my bio mums side as they were 'normal' and he's going to put out some contact for me.

Offered my dad another brandy and he said no I'll sleep well tonight, I'm happy. He's tucked up in dd1s bed (she's in with me) and I've told him to have a lie in and I'll get breakfast on

I feel like some things are being put straight, I'm 42. I wish I'd done this at 32, or even 22.

Guess we do these things when we are ready. Coming to terms with adoption I was going to say takes decades but maybe a lifetime is more apt.

I'm very glad to have found this thread as so much resonates with me. I was adopted at 6 weeks old in the 60's. I obtained my original birth certificate and accessed my file at age 20 (now 40's) but have never taken it further.

Are you considering taking it forward vjg? Do you have anymore information to help you search if you decided that was the right thing for you?

I do think about it but something does stop me. I found some 'closure' from accessing my file and having some back ground information. I have always had a dreadful relationship with my adoptive mother and I'm glad I didn't search in my 20's as I would have been looking for a proper mother IYKWIM.

I have my original birth certificate and parents' names etc. I registered with the contact register.

Just seeing if this thread is still alive?

Bumping for you

I was adopted by my auntie and uncle after my bm fell and hit her head in the hospital after having me, she passed away. My bf was an alcoholic so incapable of taking care of me.
I was made aware of my adoption when I was 9 because I overheard my mum talking to my older sister. I felt like my whole world turned upside down.
Nowadays we are told to drip feed the information to adoptive children as early as possible. I think that would have been better for me getting little bits at a time rather than the bombshell I got.
It's important to be careful what you say when there are little ears around.
My bf contacted me when I was 16 and in the middle of my exams saying he was sober and wanted to meet me. I couldn't cope with that and said no.
He died in 2009 and now I regret not having met him for many unanswered questions I now have as an adult.
My partner and I are going through the adoption process now to start our own family and knowing my bf medical history would have been very useful. For my own piece of mind also.
Try find out as much information as you can, it could be very important later on in life.

Hi Carapepi77, there's a new thread where more people are in your position - http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2635884-adult-adoptees-all-welcome?

Hi humsta I will have a look at that. Thanks.