Thread for adults who were adopted and need support

[Slippersmum]

I always worry about posting for support on this thread as really I see it as somewhere for people who are going through the adoption process to chat and gain support from each other. I just wondered if there are any adults out there who were adopted and have things they would like to share? Really do not want to upset any adopters going through the process.

Yes the feeling of being grateful resonates with me. Only with me adopted parents though, not with my siblings.

Birth family wise, I detached myself from them after a while as I realised they were beginning to affect my mental health. My dh thinks I'm quite cold about it all, he's adopted as well, but it's self preservation really. The problem is they are incredibly dysfunctional but it's normal to them so they won't change. Bizarrely, my adopted dad's family are massively dysfunctional as well and we never had a lot of contact with them growing up. Due to deaths we made an effort to get to know them, again I have cut contact and separated myself from them as I can't tolerate their racist and ignorant views in just about everything. Unfortunately, my adopted brother had been sucked in by them but I think he's seeing the light now as I don't want him dragged down to their level. My adopted parents are very affected by their families and their upbringing and their treatment of all their children both biological and adopted could be abusive. But that's a whole other thread.

Back to birth family, BM I had, she died or possibly killed herself about 10 years ago, huge sympathy for. She schizophrenic and was largely unsupported by her family. I think they were ashamed by her mental health diagnosis. It was never going to work out for her. I can't think of her without feeling overwhelming amounts of sadness. I sometimes wish I had had contact growing up but I think that is idealistic and probably would have been quite damaging.

I would say even the lovely reunion stories come with challenges generally. Its so highly charged with so many different emotions coming from different people's perspective. I think I was just too nosey not to trace my bf :-)

Place marking for when I get a minute.
I'm an adult adoptee, adopted in the 70's.
Had a pretty crap childhood.
My bm continued with her education and had a highflying career,her subsequent children all went to uni and have successful careers too.
I got chucked out at 16 and made my own way so I'm a bit bitter on occassion

Adult adoptee here, US, 1970s.

So, I was reading the letterbox thread which is also going at the moment but felt reluctant to post there. I feel like I need some place to express this though.

I found the idea that others knew more about me than I did really difficult growing up; definitely contributed, I believe, to a sense of paranoia!!!! As an adult, I was able to find out more but that is a question of luck. What you can find out depends on the state-by-state rules in the US. One of the people at the adoption charity, when we both concluded my BM didn't want contact, told me more than she should have as well. So, I feel like a previous poster in that many questions I had have been resolved.

I have to say, however, I am sceptical of how open adoption seems to work these days. i'm sure how well it works must vary from family to family but reading some of these threads on here, it often seems very intrusive and I wonder if the child grows up feeling like they have to manage the happiness of BOTH the adopted parents and the birth parents. That would be a nightmare. I already felt responsible for my adoptive parents happiness but if I'd received a letter like the OP got for her DC, as the child, I think it would have driven me round the bend.

I feel like there could well be a lot of pretending going on: I'm pretending I'm okay with you having given me up, I;'m pretending I'm okay with you contacting my DC, I'm pretending I'm okay with you haveing my birth DC...

I think having all books and records open from the age of like 16 to access is absolutely right; they should not be able to keep things from adoptees in the way they have tried to previously.

A friend whose husband is also adopted told me about her friend in the States who adopted (still with me??) and remained in contact, like practically on a weekly basis, with the couple who were teens at the time but are still together now. They are in a religious community and it was a private adoption. The couple puts pictures up on FB of them with the baby; very open they're related and the birth parents. I really feel for the adoptive parents. I can't even imagine the strength it would take to accommodate this.

OVienna I was having similar thoughts as you when I read the letterbox thread. Mine was of horror that an adopted child could be faced with that type of emotion from a BM. I felt very upset actually reading it but thankfully the adoptive parents sound so well switched into their child's needs that I'm sure they'll manage it.
It would have f**ked my head to read comments like that from my BM. As a teenager I went off the rails, like many, and I had enough to cope with managing normal teenage stuff AND normal adoption stuff. But that type of emotional information could have tipped me over the edge and been the difference between coping (which I did) and not coping.
I searched for my BM at 18 and it was a huge roller coaster but I am very glad that the system was as slow as it was - weeks waiting for social worker app to get case file, weeks waiting for letters to come in post. That all stretched it out, gave me time to recover emotionally from each step and meant I could walk away whenever and wherever I liked and I did frequently - my friends couldn't understand it, but during my searches/ reunion planning I sometimes just called a halt, stopped and did nothing more for several months.
One day for example was the day I finally had BMs phone number in my hand after couple years searching and I coolly put it away and said "I'll leave that for another day" think I waited 6 months to phone her. But the point is that was my right and I was able to because of the snails pace of communication then but now I look back I NEEDED that time to gather emotional strength and enjoy that rare feeling of control. I feel so much for adopted children who don't have that pace and control because they've been 'found' on Facebook or have pressure from Birth parent letters.

I was always told I was special because I was chosen, but this was because I was bullied by a couple of girls for being adopted. I was just 5 and started school and went home in tears.
Mum said I was special and they had chosen me, where their parents had to have them.
I also chose my dsis from the adoption home, it's written on her notes.
Mum and Dad had wanted twin boys but I apparently saw dsis and asked if she could be my sister. I was only 2.5/3 at the time

I consider myself to have had brilliant parents and since they have gone now think about them all the time and miss them terribly.

Sometimes changes in life have a detrimental effect and I go a little bit weird and can't face rejection/ see rejection where it isn't really. But this isn't very often.
Am having a hard time with it atm, but nothing I can do really, apart from talk to dh who is my rock.

Have met various members of birth family, bm died very young.
They aren't nice and some don't want to know. They wanted me to lie about events and cover up even now 49 years later.
I wasn't having anything of it and am not a dirty little secret for them to manipulate.

mintys I have written many a letter and have phone numbers. I've never reached out. It's been about 8 years since in principle I could have but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate the idea that my BM may be out there worrying about it me turning up, thinking: "What might she want?" There are other complicating factors too but I don't want to burn up this thread (which I am so glad exists!!)

What you say about having control over the timing is so true though. The days of social media can be a blessing, I've found, in satisfying your curiosity (and taking control away from the agency people/other obstructive gate keepers) without taking things further or taking them further at your own pace. But for a mum who wasn't quite stable enough to manage her own negative emotions AND recognise the potential impact on the birth child if she shared them, I'm guessing it could also create some scary situations. Also, more relatives are likely to know about it now and reach out - so the circle of potential contacts is wider than it would have been in my day.

I need to know if anyone has felt...well...like they were HATCHED. I sort of had this feeling until I had my DCs. Not hatched exactly, but sort of otherwordly, not being physically related to anyone around me. I guess the 'you're THE CHOSEN ONE' feeds into this sort of thinking.

Being hatched, other worldly I can relate. I always felt like I was someone who was standing outside the sweet shop looking in somehow, does that make sense. It's being disconnected isn't it. Like others I felt a terrible pressure to please my adoptive parents and was always scared if I was me they wouldn't want me. As a result I think I have lost all sense of who I really am or lack the courage to be me just what other people want me to be. It's really good to share these feelings with people who get it.

Can I just say I'm liking this thread, so much resonates with me.

Gratefulness, fitting in, birth family being screw ups. Loving adoptive parents but not being a perfect fit.

If anyone else has stories I'd be glad to hear them. I'm not bitter or anything, but I am different, my life was changed at birth. My whole self is different because of my adoption . Fitting into a a complete genetic mismatch has affected me.

Furry we posted at the same time. Yes to fitting in, it was our job. We had to tap the glass and say hello with a nice smile at three years old, but went to bed and knew that it wasn't 'normal'.

I wish I'd been normal. No matter how kind my parents were I was not normal. I know what normal is now, I have two of my own.

Adoption is a difficult subject and I see my genetic resemblance in my own children. I can't knock adoption but it needs to be taken seriously for adults who were ashamed. It's not just a child of your own. There will always be issues and questions.

I personally am questioning the whole thing being a child of the early 70s when it was considered weird and a stigma. My primary school teacher took great delight on doing a talk on adoption and pointing me out. Cheers for that Miss Wilson.

I would have also liked to have known the health background of my birth family, because my bipolar seems to be inherited

I understand this feeling too of being different. It is your only reality but you know it's not the norm, you know it is somehow lesser than the norm. That was how I felt.
My adoptive parents were and are super people, loving in a stable consistent way not in a demonstrative way. But I can still remember the day that I had a sudden realisation that they would not have wanted me had they been able to have their own children. I was in my teens and it occurred to me out of the blue but was intensely emotional. I went into meltdown (but couldn't tell them why) I felt so totally alone in the world and shortly afterwards tried to take my own life.
I was loved, I was wanted by them, they gave me the stability my BM was incapable of, but yet as soon as this thought struck me - that they would have tried having their own children as a first preference - I felt like an imposter. I felt I was a stand in and I have no right to them and their love. I spent time processing it, my emotional resilience went and I attempted suicide without ever telling anyone how much this one thought had affected me.

I am sure that the explicit nature of adoptive parent to child relationships nowadays protect against this - but in the 70s parents didn't tell their children they loved them and I certainly couldn't have told my adoptive mum why I had withdrawn and gone so very sad so quickly. I didn't want to upset her.
I don't know what the solution is to all this. As an adult now caring for my elderly adoptive parents one of whom has Alzheimer's, I choose to live close to them, I choose to have them over for tea every week, I choose to pop in every weekend - annoying though they can be I choose to spend time with them because they're my parents, I love them. No emotional issues left and I feel immensely proud of me & them for successfully navigating the tricky waters of adoption, but what a mess it can leave in its wake.
The alternative would have been far far worse I'm sure. I would not have thrived with my struggling birth mother unable to prioritise her child's needs.
I'm sorry I haven't responded to other people's post as there are some fairly raw emotions in the last few and I've just added more on top rather than commenting on what others have said. I need to read back as there's a lot there.

Minty yes, the realisation that you were only there because you were the second choice, not the real deal. I too felt it, especially as a teenager. I don't think 70s parents told their children they loved them, not like today (adopted or birth).

Me and my adoptive dad always express love now. It's great, I just told him I loved him one day and that he'd been a great dad and he let it all out.

As an aside:

As BM was a teenage mum I feel my adoptive mother expected me to be a 'slut' (her words) too.

I was quite the contrary but she was always looking for signs, and accused me of vast licentiousness without any wrongdoing on my part.

I feel so glad to have come across this thread, happy to have found you all.

I was adopted at about 3 months old, back in the 80s. At the time things felt like a 'normal' family, although I always knew I was adopted.

Looking back now, I have suffered severe depression on and off for 10 years, have struggled to form relationships with my children, am not talking to my mother at the moment, have some weird hysterical bonding thing going on with my half-brother.... Yeah it's not all plain sailing.

It's nice to speak to people in similar situations.

Adopted adult, not really wanting to deal with it right now, but thinking about it.

Kew you always have such words of wisdom on these threads. Thank you for your input.

Minty - thank you for posting such honest feelings. I would never have thought that that feeling might occur to an adopted child - but of course. It is true. He is a second choice because the first way I tried to have children didn't work. And I had a child purely for selfish reasons. But - the amazing thing is - I don't believe I could love a child more than I do my DS and thank goodness I couldn't have biological children.

This is an amazing thread. I have no idea how my 4 year old son will deal with his adoption (he never talks about it although I mention that he is adopted, talk about his birth family at least once a fortnight so he doesn't forget) and this thread is giving me a lot of food for thought.

Hi everyone, I am an an adopted child of the 80's. My "Story" is BM met a solider (in N.Ireland around the time of the troubles) & then gave me up for adoption. Not sure that's entirely true.

I had trouble dealing with this until I was 18 & had a child of my own when I realised that, having a child filled the huge void in my life. I never though much of BM after that. Adoptive parents are ok, not a great bond with my Mother but they are both good people.

Anyway getting to the point. For the first time in my life & I am almost 35 I saw my BM & my sister today. They don't know me, I found them on FB & never contacted them. I know what they look like & a little bit about them. I watched them for a bit and felt nothing, not one emotion. It was very strange, then I just went about my day like it was no big deal. Is that weird?

I still feel nothing.

Hels - I was struck by how hard it might be to read things like my post from 'the other side' as it were. Really tough but I think an adopted teenager would be much less likely to go into some private meltdown nowadays about something like that because it is all more open. Also my adoptive mother is forthright and open with her opinions but not necessarily tactful or thoughtful. I think the thing that gave rise to my sudden realisation that I was second best, was a comment she made to me about how hard it was for her when friends became pregnant "at the drop of a hat" and something about her friends moaning about their contraception. It then occurred to me that my parents wouldn't have been using contraception and had maybe tried for years to conceive. It was all so new to me as a concept. So I was shocked and over reacted in the way I did. But my adoptive mother had never told me she loved me. I as an adult just knows she does but as an insecure teenager? No I didn't assume love, I doubted it and felt out of place as their daughter - all I needed was to hear I was loved and to have that message repeated strongly. I say it to my teenage boy practically everyday, in a variety of ways so he has no doubt! I'm sure you're giving your little boy strong messages of love that'll build resilience.
One thing though that I think my adoptive mother got completely right - for me anyway - was that she was totally interested in the subject of my birth parents, whether I would search or not, all sorts of questions related to my story were openly discussed, when I chose to or when it was on the news, say. But she rarely raised it herself and I'm pleased about that because it allowed me to totally forget it for long periods of time and that allowed me to feel normal. I don't mean you're wrong to raise it every fortnight but just that if you go weeks and weeks without it being mentioned I don't think you should worry that you're glossing over things or not meeting your responsibilities fully, it is likely to be that your little boy is just getting on with his life with his mum, other family and friends, quite happily.

Yoga - that is strange. I think I would have felt a bit numb seeing my BM without actually meeting or speaking. That could feel quite surreal. Do you plan to make contact?

Minty; no I've no intention of ever contacting them. I looked on FB because I was curious & the little that I did see I didn't want to be involved with. That plus the fact that I've no real need for another family & to be honest I don't want the emotional hassle.

When I was younger I dreamt that my BM was a beautiful woman who had to give me away because she was trying to make her life better as well as mine. Unfortunately that never seems to be the case.

I don't know who my bdad is at all, I even believe bm put a false name as it turned out she knew somebody with the same name at home.
I have a description, I know where I was conceived, the story, both of their ages, not his dob. It's a common name think Bill Smith.
Sometimes ds2 has a look that none of dhs parents and family can place, his eyes are grey and nobody has grey eyes.

Minty it does sting to hear how many adopted children feel like second best and but it is of course something I have had to consider. The fact that it might hurt us doesn't mean we shouldn't face up to it. DS knows that I tried to get pregnant but that it didn't work and how glad I am it didn't work because then he would be with another family somewhere and that is just unthinkable. He knows that I think I am very lucky to have him and that I love him exactly as he is (thank you Bridget Jones for that line because it's absolutely true), that his differences to me are exciting and interesting and that he has led me down paths I would never have gone without him - live football matches and an obsession with ships being just 2 of many.

I have false information about his birth mother and none at all about his birth father and I've tried to trace her without success. I'd so love to be able to fill in some of his missing information and I just can't fix that however hard I try. I do understand how much easier it must have seemed to brush it all under the carpet years ago and how lucky we are as parents now to know that isn't the best thing for our children.

I think you have all suffered from the lack of understanding then that we have now and I admire how so many of you have managed to deal with it despite that.

ItIsntReallyReal - thats very kind of you to say so but I do try not to post too much here because I think there should be a place for adults who were adopted to discuss how they feel without fear that they're going offend current adoptive parents or to minimise their own feelings about it.

I lurk shamelessly though- just in case I pick on anything that is useful for DS! I would like to think that one day in the future he could find a forum like this to express how he feels if he needs to and I do make an effort to maintain the ties with other children adopted from a similar place to him in the hopes that it will make him feel less "other".

This morning I received a Facebook message from one of my biological uncles with a long spiel about who he was and how he misses me and loves me and the last time he saw me I was three. Attached was a photo with most of his chest out.

I met him at my birth mum's funeral about 10 years ago.

He is constantly writing rather creepy messages to me. To the point that I may come off Facebook. Luckily, I don't think he knows where I live. Not really sure what the point of this post is really, it's just thrown me to read it first thing in the morning.

Oh Round that's very weird. What time was the message sent at? Maybe he was a little worse for wear.

Then again if he's always doing it, he's obv just odd. If I where you I'd write back saying that you don't want any contact/messages and then block him.

The last thing I would want is an FB message from my bio family.

About 6 o'clock this morning. I sent him a short message back which he's replied to but I'm not looking at it at the moment.

My husband says the same as you, yoga but I feel guilty.