Thread for adults who were adopted and need support

[Slippersmum]

I always worry about posting for support on this thread as really I see it as somewhere for people who are going through the adoption process to chat and gain support from each other. I just wondered if there are any adults out there who were adopted and have things they would like to share? Really do not want to upset any adopters going through the process.

I would say he likes a drink if he's sending messages at that time.

Please don't feel any guilt. As an adopted child/adult there's enough emotional stress without your bio family adding more. Do what you need to do for your own mental health.

I had a closed adoption (which I think is best) so I've never had to deal with my Bio Fam. It all seems to messy for me. Just be strong, I am sure you'll feel better in the long run.

Yes it'll be fine. I worry about the bio family's mental health though, my birth mother's death happened the day she would have received a letter from me. It was an open verdict as they are not sure whether she intentionally overdosed on her medication and the letter was never found. There was nothing horrible in the letter, but I do feel terribly guilty that I triggered something and I don't want something like that to happen again. I think there are mental health issues with him as well but not talked about.

I'll take a few days to reflect and then make a decision about how to handle this.

Thanks yoga, it's really useful to have a sounding board. I don't like talking about it much in real life and my husband gets really cross about the situation so I can't discuss it impartially with him. He has no contact with his birth family so he doesn't get it in the same way.

My bio mother suffers from depression also. It's ironic in a way that a lot of hers is linked to guilt from giving me away and a lot of mine is linked to attachment issues because of it.

Yoga I had a 'closed adoption' unless we are meaning different things by that term you can still trace you know but from what you say I think that's not something you want to do?

Kew you are setting up a perfect adoption. 'Others' will always happen, but loved without question works.

Most of us older ones felt like the second choice. We were the relinquished with no choice. Shame is hard on us. My adoptive mother had issues.

Love is everything. Just keep on with that love. If I'd had that I'd have been secure.

I had to sit down with my 78 year old father last year and tell him he'd done a great job. He cried when I told him I was proud he was my dad. And he is my dad, not biological but whole heartedly he is my dad.

I don't think there is a "perfect" adoption sadly however hard we try. It always involves loss, we just have to try our best to navigate through it and hope the children involved come out whole the other side. Or at least as close to whole as any of us are.

Roundtable I'd be staying away from them. Sounds weird, bare chested photo. Wtf?

Erm blocked on FB straight away. That's just odd. Sometimes the adoptive side is not perfect, but this bio side just sounds not right! I've cut contact for less.

Kew I love my dad, he did it right. I always felt like I was his and he was mine I still do. He knew how to explain things and always made me feel 'not other'.

Adoption can and does mean unconditional love

It took us a long time to talk about it but I wouldn't want any other dad. I wish we'd talked about it earlier.

He's my dad, and he's my inspiration.

I don't want to add too much adoptive motherness on this thread, but just to say quickly that your posts are indeed painful to read - but necessary, and helpful. One thing i do think modern adoption gets (more) right is the emphasis on adopters understanding that they have no right to impose their own perspective or emotional needs onto the child's understanding of their situation. I love my adopted dd so much and hate the thought of her feeling second best, or as though she doesn't 'fit' within our family, but I can't silence those if they are her feelings. My job as her mother is to love her as fiercely as if she was born to me: but I don't have the right to demand that she reciprocate.

I think I might love your Dad ItIsntReallyReal - can he be my inspiration too?

Sometimes I wonder whether I'd be better off on the Stately Homes thread. I guess what I've never gotten to the bottom of over the years is to what extent the issues I've had with my mum are down to the way we interact and have nothing whatsoever to do with the adoption. Just two individuals who find each other very challenging. I know many people who have had difficult relationships with their parents. I even had a friend in high school who told me I was 'lucky' for getting adopted and 'having everything' as her situation was so bad (today she would in fact probably be in a foster family.)

Anyway, I think my mum may have some sort of undiagnosed issues - I probably do too, TBF. I have wondered if hers is narcissism - I had never heard of that before coming on here. I am not sure that the whole being a parent thing worked out as she'd hoped it would, having wanted to be a parent for years. This may have affected her, kind of trying to deal with the disappo8intment of not having children when she thought she would and then when she did it wasn't what she expected. She doesn't cope well with things not being as she expects and has very high expectations for having others meet her needs - I never felt challenged to be top of the class or anything that transparent, it comes from other things. For example, Mothers Day has to be PERFECT; I have failed her on a number of occasions when I dared to graduate from uni on Mother's Day and scheduled (inadvertently as I no longer live in the US) my DC's christening on ths same day. (This will out me.) It's weird Mother's Day is such an issue. I really can't work out if I secretly resent her or resent her needs and then shy away from the day.

it's all very muddled. I have tried counselling but to be honest I feel like it's too one sided.

sorry for the long and self- centered post"!!!!

I am curious though about how others may have faced mental health crisis/issues and managed to somehow carve out the stuff that may or may not be related to being adopted.

is it an excuse? I've asked myself at times. do i just fall back on this as an explanation? Then again - is it a real byproduct that should be faced up to???

Don't know if I'm making any sense at this hour.

Roundtable- that sounds really inappropriate from your BUncle, you have every right to ignore and walk away. I also had a complex happening after finding my BF - he told his sister, my BAunt and she phoned me all welcoming, delighted and emotional. That was lovely though my DH was right to be more guarded than me about the phonecall/contact which I can now see was over emotional. I then had a second phonecall from her - basically an awful rant about how dreadful her brother was. She kept saying "oh I shouldn't really say all this to you" before proceeding to say stuff that could have really tainted my relationship with him. I was SO shaken up, in tears afterwards, and it was hard to process it all. Had I been an older teenager or young adult that would have been enough to trigger a meltdown for sure. I am so capable now of being patient with myself now when I'm distressed (ie I just cry nothing more) and waiting for irrational thoughts to subside before doing anything. After that phonecall with birth aunt I told my DH and then sent my BF a long email explaining it all so it placed me and him in the centre again, opened up our communication and meant I didn't allow her to place secrets between him & me which was what she was intending. I decided to have nothing more to do with her, deleted her number, deleted her from FB etc. I have every right to ignore the toxic nature of her.

OVienna - that sounds really tough. I have no answers but I'm interested in others views. I think we all probably have something in our backgrounds that can be the excuse if we are looking for one - divorce, adoption, sibling rivalry etc but not all of them genuinely are and we are capable of rewriting history to give ourselves an excuse. That said the relinquishment aspect of adoption is recognised as an early trauma leaving aside all the other stuff that can happen. I believe nowadays babies who are going to be adopted straight away are looked after by a foster carers right away to enable them to develop a close bond from the start so they can then transfer that bond to adoptive parents and not miss the key bonding time - I think that's right?
In the 60s & 70s they didn't knowing about bonding. I spent my first 6 weeks in a cot without being cuddled, just bottle fed as and when needed - my BM told me that, she didn't hold me, the nurses did sometimes but BM 'couldn't bear too'. I feel I have attachment issues and even though my adoptive parents were kind and loving there was no training/support for them so they did their best, but did their best without anyone telling them the most obvious lessons such as tell your baby/child you love them, tell them how they improved your life, tell them you couldn't bear life without them.
So there is no getting away from some of the problems caused by closed adoptions and lack of understanding of attachment. But we have to find a way through and I believe I have and I'm lucky for having done so.
I have a friend who adopted two girls and she told me a lovely thing she says to her girls that reflects perfectly the way she feels: that before the girls came into her life it was black & white, ticking along fine but fairly dull and bland, after they arrived it became multi-coloured, full of bright, lovely colours, wonderful experiences and richness of love. I like to think this thought would resonate with my adoptive mum and it's just a lack of emotional intelligence that prevents her saying it

I to didn't have much physical contact for 18 months, just an hour a day for bm to play with us. That has got to leave its mark. I then lived with people who had waited a decade for me so clearly there was a massive difference. Hard for a little brain to understand I imagine.

Were you in a mother & baby home in Ireland furry? I agree that's going to have an impact and no way of knowing how.
I know when I had my first baby I had an irrational fear that I would have to give him away, and then after my second I went full on into attachment parenting! Both reactions I think.

mintys I am curious how common that is among adoptees, the fear someone will take your baby.

Round; so sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I am currently on holidays in sunny Spain. I can't imagine how that must feel, you are totally right to take your time making your choices.

I never talk about being adopted to anyone. On the few ocassion a I did mention it my DH finds it hard to talk about. He can't understand how anyone could give their baby away, it makes him angry.

OVienna - do you think it is a common fear amongst adoptees? Mine was slightly different but very very real and frightening - I thought I would find myself compelled to give my baby away myself. I remember starting my maternity leave from what was a very busy stressful job involving lots of travel - I suddenly stopped it all to sit around in coffee shops and I used to sit there pondering who my DH would go with - the baby or stay with me. It was weird but like I say very real, an irrational fear that I would give my baby away for adoption.

I'd be so interested in any fears other adoptees had about their first baby.
With my second I took this strong attachment parenting position rarely giving him to anyone, sleeping with him and being quite zealot like about a babies need to be held by its mother constantly in the first few weeks. Both now look to be stable individuals so I think it's worked out ok in the long run! What a weird time though.

OVienna, my mother was quite similar. She expected everything to be perfect and she got a girl who had an opinion and had her own personality.

She found me annoying and alien. I think I wasn't quite what she dreamed of. She saw herself with this lovely baby mini me and she got me instead.

That being said, my adoptive mother and I were not a good match. Total opposites with no shared personality traits. I had to adapt my personality suit her way of thinking. There was no compromise with her. She died when I was 16, I didn't shed a tear. I made and ate my dinner, washed up and went to bed

Itisntreallyreal - that's very sad, I'm sorry your relationship with your mother wasn't better. What a lovely thing to say to your Dad.
When I found my BF recently I told my adoptive parents how much they meant to me and despite feeling embarrassed I was glad I'd said it

I had severe PND with both my pregnancies, ended up hospitalised twice. I have never formed a proper bond with them and still wouldn't want residency were DH and I to split up.

As my many therapists have told me, I'm a perfectionist who is terrified of getting things wrong (generally if I think I won't be able to do something perfectly I won't do it at all) - motherhood was just another thing in the list that I struggled to be perfect at.

Throw in the fact that most people have the 'reality' of unconditional love when it comes to parenting in their live, whereas I have seen the option to mentally and physically check out when the going gets tough.

That's if you believe the experts anyway.

Love your last sentence TheWild! Over the years I have come to the conclusion that we are the experts in adoption, then I worked in the field of adoption which completely confirmed my conclusion as my word 'the experts' came out with some rubbish!!

Minty and ovienna, I am adopted - one of the classic irish adoption situations. I was reading what you both said about fears around being forced or compelled to give your baby up and I suppose it resonated with me as I did make that choice, am a birth parent too. I have read that being adopted is a risk factor in your child being adopted and adoptees are proportionally over represented in relinquishments in the USA as an example that is current but also in other countries.
Your fears are understandable from any angle but I think they, like depression/bonding issues can also reflect issues many adoptees may be much more prone to feeling. Don't know if I have said what I mean but maybe you get it, can't think how else to phrase it.

Is it better to maintain contact only by text rather than no contact? We wanted different types of contact I think. Is something/anything better than nothing? Your replies are really appreciated as I am really struggling at the moment.

Furry - what would YOU prefer? Would you prefer to break off completely or have the odd text? We are all so different it's impossible to say what's right for you. But I understand how hard it is to work out for yourself. When I wanted LESS contact with BM (which actually wasn't what I wanted as such, but she hurt me with a lack of emotion), I just withdrew quietly. When I wanted MORE contact with BF I did the opposite and told him directly what I hoped for our relationship and how his lack of contact was making me feel. Yes I might have sounded needy and he could have run a mile, but I was relieved to be open and honest and I felt I had nothing to loose.
What are you facing furry?