Thread for adults who were adopted and need support

[Slippersmum]

I always worry about posting for support on this thread as really I see it as somewhere for people who are going through the adoption process to chat and gain support from each other. I just wondered if there are any adults out there who were adopted and have things they would like to share? Really do not want to upset any adopters going through the process.

Little bluecar - thanks for sharing that. So interesting to know those facts and like you say adoptees are more prone. Really sad though for you, hope you're ok.

Previously my bs used to text me everyday, all very surface stuff and my bm a couple of times a week but a continual contact. I wanted more, some face to face shared times but that wasn't really something which they appeared to want (thats hard to type). So I stopped texting but I have to say its making me so miserable and tearful. I wondered if this a painful period I will get through then things will be better or deep down am I telling myself anything is better than nothing? Thanks minty xx

Furry that all sounds so tough for you. I don't know how it will work out for you but I am in contact with my birth family and I think I am probably older and have been in contact for longer but time and choice has meant that I only actually have contact with a couple of members of my birth family. We are good friends and I know what the others are up to but they were all either too needy, too odd or too chaotic for them to be people I would ordinarily want in my life. Meeting them was fine but the relationships that have come out of it for me are with people I would have been happy to know under any circumstances.

I think the initial meetings are just crazy emotionally, as time goes it normalises gives answers and ultimately it ends up much less powerful. The contacts that last are bonus but the ones that are more difficult can fizzle. The resolution to it all did come through talking, at least if you say what you want or how you feel you can then move forward remembering that their responses say more about them than they do about you. Do you know you can talk to the post adoption organisations who have phone counsellors - they can be really helpful at letting you work out what you want to do to feel ok.

Minty, thanks- I am ok, I can see why it happened and live a good life, out of Ireland (my parents too) , away from the church and we all moved forward which is different to moving on. My older children and my youngest all know about it and maybe one day we get to negotiate the role of birth family too.

Thanks littleblue had lots of counselling over the years been in contact with them for 30 years and it's always been an emotional roller coaster!!

Ok so thirty years of fraught emotions, wow! The dynamics are so unpredictable. I think my birth family were unusually easy to identify as people who coukd be positive/negative in their influence. The ones I see were on the outside anyway, the most difficult ones died and the others were sufficiently odd that life without them is better. I can see it could have been much harder were they not quite so extreme in their differences.

Back to the gratitude thing, that sense of over responsibility, the being emotionally guarded. I Watched one of mine really say what they meant earlier and thought about how odd and guarded my response would have been. I am not very guarded these days, socially acceptable just but well on the way to bonkers over opinionated old bag- I like it:) I do think sense of self is a funny thing if you are aware of it, almost like if you consider it it brings into question its authenticity.

Furry - I wish I had something insightful to say as I've been in a similar situation with less contact coming from a birth parent than I wanted. But I don't know what to say.
I regret not accepting my BM level of "give". I had a perfectly lovely adoptive mother so wasn't looking for a replacement mother but I found it terribly hard to accept that bm seemed to want such little contact with me. Timescales were so drawn out for contact, it was all very non-committal BUT she was there if I wanted to write, she did email me back if I emailed her first and now she is dead I feel desperately sad that I didn't settle into a happy low level of contact. I now have no chance to be settled about it.
So I suppose I wonder furry if you are better accepting low level of contact because at least it is something. But only you know what's right for you.
I certainly don't feel easier now there is no possibility of contact and I wonder whether it is ever really possible to switch off when someone is still alive.
What about explaining your difficulty to her furry?

Seriously marking my place here. My story is partly like Lago. My half siblings and BM are all like me where as my adopted family are not. Very much loved by my now deceased adoptive parents but I always felt out of place

Little bluecar - I'm glad you sound so settled about your birth child. Amazing if you have a chance to be a 'found' birth family! Does it play on your mind much? Do you mind me asking how instructive thoughts are about your adopted out baby? I realise it's all so personal and unique but I used to imagine as a child that my BM must have pondered frequently on my welfare - I imagine that's common amongst adopted children - you WANT to feel you're missed, it's a very basic but quite juvenile need. But my BM didn't give me that impression at all - in fact she quite coldly told me she didn't think of me much over my infancy years "as that would have been pointless". That takes some swallowing when you're a vulnerable 20 year old! Of course older and wiser now I wonder if lots of birth mothers just focus on their current day to day and don't indulge in daydreaming about a baby they can't hope to know anything about. So maybe that is common and I shouldn't have been quite so hurt by it.
The responsibility for others perseveres with me too. Even as an adult, I still need my adoptive parents to be pleased with me but I now like that whole thing, feels good to be pleasing them so they know they did the right thing

Sorry intrusive thoughts not instructive!

Devora I see friends with adopted children now whose attitude is that they mould themselves round their children and accept them as they are. Your attitude is great. Sadly in the 60/70/80 it seems that babies were adopted and the expectation would be that they just slotted into their new family. My adopted parents and siblings are polar opposites to me so that's tough

Don't mind your asking at all. Intrusive thoughts a plenty here but that sounds negative and I don't find it to be so. I have always thought about that baby boy's life and experience, his milestone and birthdays... Few days go by without reflections. Even being here links more to that, planning, learning allowing time to think. Watching my kids grow there has always been a less tangible figure alongside each of them at every age. Honestly I think the birth parents who don't have this to some extent are probably really damaged or at least very unusual. Am sorry your birth mother was so lacking in reflective skills/warmth. Actually mine was probably similar to your too.

Inky do you feel able to share more of your story with us?
Minty I wonder if part of my problem is control. Think I always cling to what little I have given that I had none at the start. Telling her would be the reasonable thing to do but over the years I have become so wary of her causing me more pain I just could not open myself up and risk it. I read a line once in a book 'she wore her protective armour for so long that when she wanted to take it off she could not' ...... I always think that sums me up completely.

Happy to share. More and more I realise that I have that protective armour too. I always knew I was adopted. RC adoption. Young unmarried mother at 18 disowned until the baby (me) was given away. Adopted by nice conservative family. Steady RC upbringing and traditional schooling. Never mistreated or anything and I know I was very much loved. However I am and always was very outgoing, loud, sporty, sociable in total contrast to my adoptive parents and my siblings which are their birth children. I always felt like they thought I was s bit odd. I was desperate for adventure and thrill as a child. I was never allowed. My BM and 1/2 siblings x4 are the same as me. I was 30 before I made contact. I don't know still who my father is. My 4 1/2 siblings have the same father. They all adore and worship my birth grandmother who was the one who would never accept me at birth and made my BM give me up.

It's very hard to reconcile it in your head. If I had stayed with my BM 40 years ago our lives would be radically different. I have no idea for better or worse but I would have grown up with someone who looks like me and had similar traits. I now have 2 DC of my own and see me in them. They are thick as thieves. Ironically I have a strong urge to adopt too now. I want to offer a child with a difficult start a chance to flourish. I would not however try and make them fit our mould and would love them for who they were

I am really glad I started this thread. Here was me thinking it was only really me that struggled with how my life began but now I have found all of you with your struggles, problems, wisdom, advice and compassion for each other. I hope that nothing has caused adopters any pain or discomfort as that is the last thing I ever intended.

I have gained so much from your honest posts, mostly that I don't feel so alone anymore and its helped me to understand myself a little bit better. Thank you.

I hope that nothing has caused adopters any pain or discomfort as that is the last thing I ever intended. avoiding pain or discomfort isn't really the main thing though as a parent is it? Learning ways that you might help your children is.

And besides that's not really the point on this thread, it's to provide a thread for adopted adults to discuss whatever they want to and even if it's painful, that doesn't mean that it will be what my DS feels or even if it is, it might give me some insight into ways I might help him with his feelings.

Adoptees are really the only one of the three parties in the adoption triangle that had absolutely no choice (generally) and there is a point at which it is OK to take whatever control you can and feel however you like about it and express that in whatever way you feel comfortable. You have no obligation to protect any other adults now. We can all take care of our own feelings and have no problem expressing how we feel - it's your turn now.

Thanks Kew

Some of the posts have made me wince - to hear of some of the painful stories. But that is a good thing.

Please continue to post - I think it is helpful to hear all sides - the brave birth mums and now adoptees.

The world of adoption is not always easy to navigate - this thread is incredibly helpful and has given me a mental checklist of things to remember and check in my own behaviour. And try and understand stuff he might go through.

Thank you for starting it.

Every situation is so different too. I have a very close friend who has zero interest in tracing BM. Her and her sister are both adopted and although not birth siblings that are the same ethnic background- not the same as their adopted parents.

It seems that on the whole most adopted children/ adults are different from their new parents & family. It's most deff the case with me, polar opposites in every way. I have a friend who's adopted & she feels the same way, although her adopted family where's on the whole good to her. I wasn't so lucky.

I was adopted in the 70s & we are still way behind here in Ireland. There really wasn't any emphasis on the child, it was all about the parents & giving them what they wanted.

My parents are/where totally incapable of looking after a child. I've really no idea why anyone though they were suitable. From what DM tells me they had very little to do to get a child. I suppose the SS where overwhelmed from all the Un-married mothers/incest/rapes that where happening in Ireland at the time (still are).

I am still regarded as the bastard baby in my village (Yes, people have said that) while my parents are viewed as the poor souls who couldn't have children & did that wee baby a favour.

Have you traced your birth family Yoga?

As an adopter this thread has really helped me to, as Kew and Hels have said, check my behaviour. My LO is very different to me, but those differences are in part what make me love her so much. She's a such an exceptionally happy, fun loving little girl, who has brought us so much joy, despite a difficult start; so this thread is invaluable for giving me a different perspective of what to do/not to do to try and help embrace the differences between us. X

Slippers traced & found them but didn't make contact. I can't face another mother who isn't up to the job. I have two sisters who where born only a year/two years after me. I'd love to have sisters but overall it's better for me to be alone than face rejection or get into a situation I don't like.

Yes I do know what you mean yoga about facing rejection all over again. On a smaller scale I have not heard from my bm for around 6 months and can't bring myself to text in case she doesn't text back!!! I have a sister (full) with very little age difference between, also 2 (full) brothers now both dead although I got to know them before they died. It's hard isn't it they may love to meet you and your life may be enriched as a result but there is a flip side to those positive responses and I do know how scary that feels.

Slippers, It's great that you have a bond with your sister & got to know your brothers. I am sure that's helped in someway. As for your BM that must be very difficult at times. Was there ever a bond between you or did you know from the beginning that it might be like that?

When I traced my BM I did it with a letter she had written when she gave me up, she loves at the same address & via facebook I could out see it was her. She asked me to contact her when I turned 18 & said she was sorry for doing this but she was alone & wanted me to have a better life. I often feel guilty about not contacting her by now (I am
Mid thirties) & wondering if she felt rejected when I turned 18 & didn't make contact (even though I didn't get the letter until I was almost 25).