Letterbox

[MissFenella]

Is it usual/typical for letters from parents to include 'when you are 18 and we meet again....' type stuff.

Letter from birth mum included a few 'wonderful future together' type references.

Putting aside the heart crushing 'she thinks I am babysitting' element (because that is about me not the girls) how would you couch the tone to your children?

< five days in a children's home >

HOUSE

"Werejamming", I'm going to have to finally disagree with us you. I desperately wanted to give a needy child a home. Then I decided I wanted one that matched by handbag. And car

We had one with profound disabilities already so didn't want a matching set

Matchy matchy is so , y'know, last year

I've sat on my hands for 10 seconds then decided I actually do want to comment on the crass matching comments. Not at all for the benefit of the poster but for anyone considering adoption who may find the info helpful (if any are still with us!).
Matching is crucial and getting a good match for the family and child is absolutely imperative. Adopted children have experienced losing their birth families and regardless of the reasons, they absolutely must be placed with the best family to care for them and their needs for the rest of their lives. So placing a sibling group of 4 with a single adopter for example would be disastrous as they wouldn't have the time and attention they needed as individuals. Similarly, placing a child out of birth order would also be unwise. In terms of disabilities / developmental delays etc, it comes down to resource, ability, support and resilience and those decisions are made primarily for the child. Like all parents, adopters know there are a myriad of behaviours that can arise and adopting a young baby leaves many things unknown.
My child was a good match for us because we have knowledge of his cultural background so can give him a sense of identity, we have a full time sahp to support his uncertain development and our home/support is geared towards a child of his needs. My handbags are matched to my outfit and budget.
Hope that clarification helps.

I've never in my life heard of a "pointy head" so I have at least learned something (obviously not that smart then). But no, I don't annoy my friends that much because they wouldn't be friends anymore would they?

Very happy for you to report any comment I've ever made - I can't say I've never posted an unwise post - I've been posting for about 10 years and been accused of "stealing" children, of not being a real parent, choosing my child like a car, being selfish, being disgusting (and of my posts being disgusting) - I don't always take it well. There are particularly posts on the Melvin/that guy threads that made my blood boil and I'm almost certain I said things I wouldn't have on a calmer day. To be fair over 10 years of sticking to the same user name (I'm brave me) it would be exceptional if you couldn't find something to beat me with.

I've heard a lot of hot air about how much adoptive parents just want to give a needy child a home etc etc - not from adopters you haven't, admit it, you're exaggerating a teensy bit there because you're cross with us. I've never heard an adopter say that. I must know 100 adopters I have never once heard any of them talk about giving a "needy" child a home. Only well meaning non-adopters who come onto the adoption boards after seeing some TV programme about the orphans after a natural disaster never to be heard from again.

If you have an issue with "matching" then you need to take it up with social services because thats what they call it - we all get so used to it thats its used all the time and everyone (I thought) understands what it means.

And it's self-serving because whoever is going to look at a child with profound disabilities and think 'He'll fit in nicely?' well at least one poster on this board which shows your lack of real knowledge of the stories behind some of the people posting. BTW I'm not in the slightest bit fragile or endangered - the fact that we fight our corner in a way you might not like doesn't make us "fragile" - don't you think the reverse is true? My DS however was fragile and endangered and adopted from an institution and I spent 3 months there. Yes it is very hard not to be able to take them all home with you but it's not actually allowed (you do know that, right?) and if you need any advice on how to handle the emotions it brings up when you have to come home and leave them all there, I'm happy to discuss that - but maybe on a different thread.

In the interest of total honesty...

"it would be exceptional if you couldn't find something loads to beat me with"

Well said Flaming - likewise, I was felt to be a suitable match for LO because I had specific experience supporting children and adults with similar physical and emotional needs. So in that sense, yes, it was "snap" and you're matched - and I wouldn't have been the right person to parents lots of other children, but I am extremely happy to have been chosen to be this one's mum.

Bizarre, this tabloid idea that prospective adopters are all obsessed with finding 'perfect' blonde babies. Even more bizarre, the assumption that that is what they get!

My dd is perfect. I was matched with her through the National Adoption Register (because she was considered 'hard to place'). She was born seriously addicted. She is still small but is already getting various tentative labels attached to her, like: avoidant attachment, dissociated, disregulated, possible FAS. And - this is the important bit - she is absolutely typical of adopted children. This is the reality of modern adoption, and I can't tell you how odd it is to have people tell me that I chose her like I would choose a car.

Yes, this is certainly an odd thread. For sure, I would be sad if it were true that loads and loads of lurkers were put off posting here because we're such a bunch of harridans (but how can we tell if that is true? This citing of invisible friends who apparently all agree we are horrid but who cannot be counted or named - what sense do we make of that?). On the other hand, I don't know most of the posters here. We're not running a support group, so we have no responsibilities to 'members'. When a core set of posters contribute a lot, I guess it will always bend to their style and feel cliquey to some. Lord, I tend to avoid posting on the Feminism threads, and I have been a radical feminist for 35 years. It's not really my style there, but that doesn't make it wrong. Similarly, I've never really got on with the adoptionuk forum - doesn't make it wrong.

Am I the only one who feels the urge to go back though every adoption thread I've ever commented on and sort my posts into supportive and disgusting and do a count?

Think I'm more needy than I realised!

To be fair precious no doubt many of my own threads would be very dull to most people and my posts on other people's threads tend towards verbose. I try to rein it in but fail miserably usually.

See, I'm growing as a person on this thread already - accepting that I can be boring.

20 mins not bad by the way.

Devora, congratulations on your little girl. I don't want to comment on your personal circumstances so this more of a theoretical response because I'm genuinely interested to know how adoptive parents see it. I realise the reality of modern adopting and I know about the training you go through as a prospective adoptive parent learning how to parent a child who has faced challenges. The place I'm coming from is working with children who look perfect to me yet there is no chance of their finding a forever family because they have a few things on their record that hardly anyone will accept. This perhaps doesn't relate terribly well to the UK because I'm talking about a country where there are some newborn babies available and depending on what race you're looking for, there may not even be a wait. In those situations, it seems that adoptive parents choose a child who is as close to perfect as possible. Understand that I'm coming from a place of day-in day-out teeth-gnashing frustration at trying to meet these children's needs while not being their 'forever family', knowing I can never do it adequately, while the people who might have adopted them choose the babies. I think it's understandable but at the end of the day it comes across as self-interested when you are in the position of caring for those children who have missed the boat, especially when looking at the life of gruelling poverty that they're faced with, just because they have a sibling. Or a perfectly manageable health condition.

Devora's reality is also my reality. LO has several "perfectly manageable" health conditions, and some that are genuinely draining to support. I knew about them when I hoped to be selected to be LO's parent (although tbh I didn't accurately envisage how tough the emotional needs would be on top). In RL I probably know about thirty adoptive families who have adopted within the past five years. This is their reality too.

I appreciate this may not be the reality outside the UK, but I don't have firsthand experience of that.

I realise matching is the term for the process, yes. Also that there is a need for this. But calling a living, breathing human being 'a good match for us' is taking that to an extreme. In my view. I suppose I'm also a bit frustrated because there are children who are never going to get matched and if people were prepared to stretch themselves even more (and again, I'm talking about a country where they are not perhaps having to stretch themselves as much as British adoptive parents are presently obliged to, largely, let's be honest, as a result of supply and demand), my life would be easier. And more convenient. And I like convenience as much as the next person. I don't think loving is ever easy.

A point was made earlier about my having a child as the result of surrogacy which seems only fair to respond to. At the time we began our journey (anyone who has looked will know this) I was quite severely disabled. Social workers advised us that we would probably not be approved as adoptive parents because of this and the young child we already had.

Notanotherword I do believe it's a different forum you have to post on to get yourself noticed by the Vatican as a living saint- we wouldn't qualify to post on their as we are just ordinary people, dealing with children who have had an extraordinary start
And yes I love my children- love being with them- I am in awe at their gorgeous faces, I do all I can to help their emotional development intelligence I am amazed at their healing-and not in the least bit sorry to condense myself into their needs rather than expanding into a children's home.
I realise in your eyes that makes me and others rather crass and picky, and I am loud and proud yep that is me.

I do wish Mumsnet would lock this thread though.