Just found out my cousin's baby is up for adoption

[WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal]

I've just today found out that my cousin's baby has been in foster care and it has now been decided that the baby should be adopted or found a more permanent home.

My cousin estranged herself from the family a long time ago, which is why it took me such a long time to find out. I feel really upset that I will never meet this baby and am worried about the permanence of adoption as feel my cousin might want to have her baby back in a few years.

Is it crazy in this kind of circumstance to get in touch with the LEA to offer care? i've never met this child, I don't know the full circumstances of how the family got split up - I don't know if adoption would be a truly amazing thing with a fresh start or if a placement with a family member is better - I just feel like i'm clinging onto this idea of family sticking together. Is family care possible after fostering is already in place?

I really don't know the ins and outs of it but I think kinship care is preferred where possible.

I have family who foster and from what I hear, kinship or family placements are generally preferred if possible. Not crazy. If you are seriously considering it, I'd get in touch!

It certainly is possible, and kinship care/adoption is generally preferable to care/adoption by unrelated people for the child's sake. So it's not crazy. Are you sure you want a/another child? If you do, then getting in touch as soon as possible would be the thing to do.

However that does not mean you would find it easy. I hate to say it, but kinship carers can find it very difficult to gain custody of their relatives and come up against opposition. It also depends what stage the care proceedings have reached. Has the decision for adoption only just been taken, or has a placement order been granted already and they are already searching for adoptive parents? Things like this will make a bit of a difference. You would be best to get advice and help - some folks on here could point you in the right direction, MrsDeVere for instance.

am worried about the permanence of adoption as feel my cousin might want to have her baby back in a few years

Once an adoption order is granted, it is permanent. Your cousin wouldn't be able to go to court or get her baby back after that. It's not like fostering at all.

am worried about the permanence of adoption as feel my cousin might want to have her baby back in a few years

Do you know that your cousin is voluntarily relinquishing her baby? Because a) that would be very rare; b) she won;t get to change her mind; c) you can't babysit a child for years hoping that your cousin might change her mind.

What if she doesn't - do you want another child?
What if she does and she actually didn't relinquish but the child was removed for good reason - how are you going to deal with family pressure to allow her to have back a child that you may decide she isn't competent to parent.

What if she changes her mind in 5 years? Are you really capable of parenting a child as your own for 5 years then waving them off to a parent who is a complete stranger whilst you wave goodbye to your child that you've nurtured all this time.

I'm not sure you've thought this through from the child's perspective - you're not keeping someones place warm, you're taking a real child and putting their life in limbo for potentially years not totally committing to them but not allowing them to start a new life with 100% certainty whilst your cousin sorts herself out.

If once you're thought it through again you are totally convinced you can be a permanent parent to this child then contact social services and offer. But if they get even a slight wind of the idea that its somehow to keep your cousins rights alive you'll be shot down in flames.

Think about what this child deserves - they deserve to have a parent who adores them 100% and protects them even if that means falling out with their wider family and no child should ever hear in answer to "Why did you want me Mummy" "Well it was just in case your birth mum changed her mind, I thought we'd better keep her options open".

I know I sound harsh but you really need to have a long hard think about what this means to the child in question.

And if you still feel you are the best possible parent for this child then go for it.

Thank you for the burst of reality - as I said, I know very little. I know that my cousin has been very unwell and it seems that my aunt is the driving force pressing for adoption, which is why I feel a sense of panic.

I was pretty sure I didn't want another child, my house mate was fostered by family and my grandparents adopted so it feels like a very close-to-home issue for us.

I think I have this victorian idea of adoption in some ways, that children should be kept in the family above all things - but I do not know the details, it might be better to stay out of it entirely, but I feel like i'm being lazy by not even suggesting that I have a loving home to offer.

Personally I would explore the option and see where it takes you. I would feel the same. I am adopted too

OP - have some experience here. Go in with your eyes open - wide open ref maintaining contact and working out who the real parent of this child will ultimately be, but do not let that stop you. Contact social services and expect to be thoroughly checked out. You will also need legal advice ref parental responsibility/residential order.

Good luck. You are about to start a roller coaster but I'm sure your instincts are right. A child needs to know where he/she belongs and to be surrounded by family, so the sooner you can rehome him/her, the better.

I do feel a tiny bit like i should write a letter to the LEA just to enquire so that in some ways I can feel at peace - maybe his foster parents are looking at adoption, maybe we wouldn't pass all the checks. it's really not out of loyalty to my cousin that i'm considering this, more warmth for the family.

Don't write. Just ring and ask to be put through to the relevant social worker. What have you got to lose by asking?

Similar situation happened to us, although DS was a relation of by hubby to be. We wish we had known / acted sooner, but are very very pleased we did albeit it later than we wished.. We are yet to have birth children, so it was a very big decision for us, also DS was already 4. It has been far from easy, but I wouldn't change it.

I am not sure if this helps at all but I just wanted to message you as someone in a 'similar' situation.

I would definitely call, it can't hurt? you may always wonder 'what if' otherwise (just my personal views and experience!) Just to get some more professional advice and information.

Yes - I am terrified of the what ifs - I wish I had known sooner too, I had no idea any of this was going on.

you said your aunt was pushing for adoption.

Do you have contact with your aunt?
Would it be possible to contact her?

If this is already in process you need to let them know as soon as possible that you are interested.
Phone and talk to ss

Do also be aware that in some circumstances family who have adopted a child within the family have had to go non-contact with the original birth part of the family.
It doesn't sound as though you know the full facts of what has been going on.

Do get in contact with the SW (phone not letter), but go into the whole process with your eyes wide open. And be fully prepared to admit you cannot go through with it, or want to leave the process if it becomes too much.

You have already had some decent advice from posters & hopefully someone with first-hand experience of this sort of thing will come along shortly (MrsDeVere is one who springs to mind).

I think you definitely need to know why the baby is being placed for adoption. Families do not always tell the whole truth - for example, they may wish people to think that the situation is voluntary when it might actually have been a decision made by the Court for any number of reasons.

If there is a very good reason why your cousin should not be involved in her DCs life, then your caring for the child could be very difficult. It will be so much easier for your cousin to find the child, should she want to and her wandering in and out of the child's life might not be in the best interests of the child.

It could work very well, and I totally understand why you are considering it. Just make sure that you in full possession of the facts of the case before making any major decisions though. Hopefully SS will want that too.

I would contact SS & see what they say. It can't hurt to make enquiries & it sounds like you will always wonder "what if" if you don't at least look in to it.

Good luck .

x-posts there .

That was like our family mummytime, although DS has contact with DHs side of the family (Grandparents etc) he has no contact with Birth Mum, hadn't for a long time prior to his placement with us however.

I know how you feel we didn't know either, well especially not the full extent as to what was going on.

I would get the full facts first and like mummytime has said have your eyes wide open and just be prepared. Take care.