Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

[mintleaf]

Hi there

Please can I join you? After a long time thinking about it DH and I have decided to adopt. We're both 32 with no DC.

We went to an information evening last week and are extremely excited and nervous, but sadly we have to wait a bit as we have a house move coming up. Frustrating but understandable. So we are channelling our enthusiasm in to reading everything we can and getting some extra experience with children through our friends and a local nursery.

Does anyone know where you can access 15,000 children and counting program? I can't track it down anywhere.

Am so excited but not sharing it with anyone just yet so need to express it here!

[Catlover2014]

Just thought I'd say hello on here. DH and I are both 34 and have no birth children. We've been ttc for 5 years and have had two mc this year following BFP from treatment.

Currently going through tests and plan to try for a birth child one last time but if that doesn't work we will be taking the adoption route.

Met a lovely couple who have adopted which has given us great hope and we're currently waiting for background : police checks so I can start voluntary work at a local children's centre.

Worried that the adoption agency won't like us as I have a caution for faking a train pass ten years ago (when I was stupid and young) and I also have a history of mild depression.

Does anyone know if this would block us from adoption? X

[Italiangreyhound]

Welcome Mintleaf and Catlover2014 hope things go well for you both.

[Etihad]

Hi everyone how's it going? lovehope was your preparation group ok? I'm halfway through mine now, have learnt so much in the first two days - and know even more that this is what I want to, even though it's scary!

[resipsa]

Hi Cat!

[resipsa]

PS No idea about the answers to your questions but common sense must be that those two issues should not be a bar...
When I told the LA that DH was born in Oz, I think the SW said that the checks only go back 10 years but I might have misunderstood.

[resipsa]

Hi Ethiad. Glad you're enjoying it.

[resipsa]

Doh! Etihad, I mean (and I live in M so no excuse!).

[RaspberrySnowCone]

So we had our first chat with the LA today at home, lovely lady, explained everything really well for us. We're now booked in for a two day prep course in two weeks after which we can sign the paperwork to formally start stage 1. She said stage 1 takes around 2 months and and stage 2 around 4 months. Was all very positive, feeling relieved now, was stressing that it would be awful and she'd say we weren't eligible.

[RaspberrySnowCone]

She's sending us a reading list to have a look at but has suggested one on attachment by Dan Hughes. Anyone read it?

[resipsa]

Great news Rasp.

[Choccyjules]

Not read it but he's very popular with AdoptionUK, his talks are often advertised in their magazine, Raspberry (so I probably should!).

Our news this week is that we are now on the National Adoption Register so SWs can look at us as well as us searching for children on other sites.

[resipsa]

Rasp - which D Hughes' book is it? I went on Amazon and there are a few...

[RaspberrySnowCone]

Building the bonds of attachments is the one I think but but there was another about a girl called Katie who wasn't a real girl as such but a story made up of many of the issues he had come across. I'll post up the books when I get the reading list if that's helpful.

[Mersea]

Hi everyone. We have our information event to attend tomorrow so feeling excited/nervous. If the paperwork is not too long for this initial enquiry we may try and complete it on the day. I have just finished reading 'no matter what' a book based on a true account of adoption, it was interesting and gave a some insight to the process and problems that may arise.

[64x32x24]

Hi everyone,

I suppose you could say we are tentatively linked, to a very young baby girl. If it works out - there are still some legal uncertainties - then we might be bringing her home on a foster-to-adopt basis within a month from now.

Very excited! Though it may yet all come to nothing. With this FtA malarky we don't get the reassurance of standard steps such as looking at CPR (hasn't been written yet), linking meeting (no one can properly decide, as there is no care plan or placement order in place yet), and matching panel (will only take place after placement). So we are just going with the flow, and trying to keep our zen...

[Italiangreyhound]

64 tentative HOORAY!

[Mersea]

Hi 64 sounds exciting, hope it all works out for you

[Barbadosgirl]

Wowser 64. Were you specifically approved for foster to adopt? Did you have special training?

[64x32x24]

Well we had expressed interest in exploring concurrent planning right from the start. We were approved ( for adopting) early May and panel recommended us for CP / FtA. Now we will need to be approved to foster in addition; however they say it's a formality. We have had no special training (though I wish we had!). Our main motivation for considering concurrency was to avoid a move (with loss and trauma) for LO. This however (if it works out) is not concurrency but clearly FtA - we will 'just' be saving time, not avoiding a move. Accordingly there are also none of the major difficulties of CP - no ongoing contact; no 'concurrent' plan to reunite baby with BM; so I feel more confident that we'll manage despite the lack of fostering specific training.

[RaspberrySnowCone]

How exciting 64, congratulations! I don't really know anything about about FtA but from what you say it sounds very sensible and would reduce trauma to the baby. Is FtA/concurrent planning quite common?

[Pickles2go]

Tentative congratulations 64! Hope it works out for all of you!

[64x32x24]

Raspberry, it's not very common yet, though it is increasing - something about government demanding that LAs do it more.

Everybody seems to agree that (in the right circumstances) it is generally in the best interest of the child, however it does create more pressure and difficulties for the concurrent carers/prospective adopters. And, IMO, most LAs aren't really set up for doing concurrency properly. Main problem being, that fostering teams and adoption teams tend to be entirely separate, and don't communicate much. Which results in all the pressure being heaped on the concurrency carers. As in, to just state one example: you are asked to make the same commitment to the child as you would if you were taking the child into an adoption placement - but you only get the kind of information, and decision timeframes, as you would get for a fostering placement.

Frequently you will be told that concurrency and FtA are the same thing, but they aren't really. I think concurrency is a great thing, FtA still good, but you can't rely on your agency preparing and informing you adequately - you need to do your own research (Coram is a good starting point). And just like when you decide which 'issues' you can and are willing to consider, you need to be very honest with yourself and consider carefully, if CP/FtA is something you would be able, and willing to consider. I can tell you, already - and we don't even have placement yet - it is hard, and it is made even harder when SWs don't really 'get' it, as that means more pressure heaped on you, rather than them helping to relieve some of the pressure.

[CloserThanYesterday]

Exciting times 64, fingers crossed it all works out for you.

We were asked about concurrency/fta but it seemed a bit of a formality, and we definitely weren't encouraged towards it.

I would have been interested, as it's great for the child and great if you would really like to be involved from as young as possible, but in the end we couldn't have coped financially with one of us on fostering allowance indefinitely. We're in the annoying situation that we have a decent joint income, but both earn equal-ish amounts so when one goes or drops we struggle.