Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

[resipsa]

Was that last post for real???

[Italiangreyhound]

resipsa re your comment....

... the PILs think we'd regret it and should be grateful for/stick at DD. I'm so indecisive since hit with secondary infertility that anyone's negative reaction makes me think we should not proceed. How do you all cope with others' negativity or indifference?

I really would not allow anyone else's negativity or indifference to affect my decisions for a minute (unless it was your partner's feelings). No one else is living your life but the two of you.

It really has to be your decision and not one your in-laws can contribute to. Of course they are concerned for your DD, their granddaughter, and it is only fair for them to express that. But really I feel 'grateful for/stick at' is not something you should need to give any space to (in my humble opinion)! The question is not are you grateful for your dd? Of course you are! The question is do you want to be parents again, have you enough love and time and energy (and money) etc etc. If you choose to go forward it does not in any way reflect on your love and gratitude for your dd.

Maybe you are allowing their fears to affect you as they mirror your own. I think you have said as much already. My advice would be deal with your own fears and concerns, realistically (as you are by engaging with us) and be ready when you know what you will do to explain calmly to in-laws. Ultimately, it is not them you must answer to, and to some degree not to your dd either, except that of course you hope this new sibling will add to her life and not detract from it. No one can guarantee that but that is the same with a birth child and you can minimise the risks by the kind of 'risks' you are willing accept in a new child into your family.

You asked how old birth/existing children were when new child came. Our dd is 9. She is struggling a bit at the moment but it is early days.

Here is my advice if you do go for it....

Go for the right type child for you (try not to have too many preconceived ideas about who might be right, just read the profiles and see if you and your Dh are drawn to the same child. try to open minded! It is hard! We has a strong preference for a girl but went for a boy, my Asia connections meant I would have loved a mixed heritage child but we are adopting a white child, all the things I felt were important (as young as possible - we ended up with one of the older children we considered) were all not as important as the right one.

Having said that I would...

Go for a big age gap if you can, as big as you can within reason, I think it makes life easier, unless both children are very young anyway.

Get lots of info before making your decision, so you feel prepared.

Do not feel pushed or rushed into a decision by anyone. once social workers leave the scene you will be left with your choice and so it must be a genuine choice and not because you feel sorry for a child or because social workers put pressure on you (IMHO).

If you are adopting as a couple you need to agree, if you can't both agree on the child I can't see how that child would be right for you.

I personally do not feel there is one right child for you, a bit like marriage I think there are many children any of us could adopt and we end up adopting a certain one or two and it is great. People have already said to me stuff like 'he was the one for you' and I agree, he was, but there may have been others equally 'suitable', it is not a competition to find Exkhaliber's sword! Iyswim!

Good luck.

[resipsa]

Thanks Italian. You are very wise!

You're right too that others' comments about possible regret do indeed mirror my own current mindset.

DH is remarkably mature (for him!) about my concerns about disrupting DD's life/routine. He says it would have been the same for her if we'd had another BC so why worry too much as we'd have 'managed' that situation to the best of our ability and could do the same with an AC.

[RaspberrySnowCone]

That was what I was thinking, surely any new addition to the household will be disruptive in some way shape or form. You might manage an adoption differently for the sake of the adopted child but for a BC it's a new person to adapt to having around regardless of whether it's a BC or AC.

I'm at work wondering when I'll get a call from the adoption manager....... It's becoming a distraction!

[Karbea]

Hello we are back from the agency, it went really well and dh felt far more comfortable than he had with the la last year.
We've got to wait to see if they want us, but if they do dh wants to proceed wth them. I'm still slightly worried we'd be better off with our local la.

But progress nonetheless.

[resipsa]

Great progress, Karb. Where are you in the UK? What did your DH prefer about the agency? Why do you think LA might be a better bet? Sorry for all the Qs; this is a steep learning curve!

[Karbea]

And I've spoken to an organisation about volunteering with small children and I've a try out session on Monday eckkk!!!

We are in Buckinghamshire, you?
I think because it was a one to one session and she didn't try to scare him with horror stories, it was a much more rounded view of what the children are like.
I think because the la's have the children and we are "average", they are more likely to give children to the la approved "average" parents iykwim, rather than paying the agency for us. I guess I'm worried people like us are ten a penny :/

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Resipsa it helped me and DH to remember that just because you are approved doesn't mean someone turns up at your house with a random child and leaves them on your doorstep (although I think some posters here remember when it used to).

You are not going to say yes to a match unless it is the right child for your family. Being approved does not mean that you have to adopt (although, of course, it would be wrong to use the resources it costs to be assessed unless you are absolutely serious about it and honest with your SW about what you feel you can cope with).

We were always very clear with our SW that with a birth DD we felt we had to have more certainty and less risk than otherwise; the child would need to be younger etc. The fact that they knew this and continued to assess us made us realise that there are children out there for us (white, ostensibly m/c people looking for a younger child) and it is now (1 month post approval) looking as though they have had someone in mind for us for a long time in fact :)

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Lots of Qs!

DS was nearly 6 when DD moved in at 15 months old. We had intended a much smaller age gap (I'm sure one reason we were initially accepted is that we were prepared to look at older children). But in fact the big age gap had worked remarkably well - and DD was just such a perfect match for us that we soon got over the age thing!

We tried so hard to involve DS and let him be included in everything we did with DD that the only real wobble he had was when he broke down in tears because he never got any time on his own any more. Only children are used to their own company!!

New babies are disruptive, step families are disruptive, families full stop are pretty disruptive!

[lovehopejoy]

Hello! We're starting our adoption prep course tomorrow...exciting and scary all at the same time! We've 2 days this week and then next Monday...just wondering... any of you newbies who have done your prep course...are there any questions that you wish you'd asked? What questions did you ask? Any general tips? Thanks peeps!

[resipsa]

Not me, sorry - you're way ahead of us. Good luck though.

[Polkadotpatty]

Just pace yourself through your prep course! There's a huge amount of information to try and absorb, and it can be very intense. This is not your only opportunity to ask questions, so don't worry too much about that - just try and take in as much as you can. And at least the three separate days mean that you can note down thoughts/questions in the evening, to ask on one of the later days.

Try to get to know the other people in your prep course - there may well be people there who will become a great support as you all go through the process. Get chatting during the breaks, and hopefully there will be some people you can start friendships with.

[Choccyjules]

You'll find questions pop into your head as you go along and they'll either be happy to take them then or at the end of a session. Well, ours were, they were very approachable and it often felt like an open discussion rather than them talking and us listening.

[happydazed]

I did my prep course in September, nothing to worry about, in fact I found it quite repetative and boring in parts. a lot of it was based on adopting older children and witha 3 year old birth child we would never be approved for a child over 2. they did focus on what could go wrong and it seemed at times they were almost trying to put you off.

I have found the home study and coversations with our social worker much more informative and useful for us.

I really recommend trying to keep in touch with people from the course, we only got contact details for one couple, we have metnup severalmtimes and its been amazingly helpful to us, I really regret not getting numbers for more people.

[dimples76]

I found the prep course a very positive experience but absolutely exhausting. I had already done quite a lot of reading beforehand and volunteer with looked after teenagers but I learnt a lot more and really enjoyed spending time with people in the same boat as me.

I was apprehensive about the social workers writing about what I was like on the course but actually their feedback gave me a real boost.

I'm going to approval panel in 4 weeks and I'm feeling v nervous now and finding it hard not to think about adoption all the time.

[RaspberrySnowCone]

Initial chat/home visit booked for week after next. Was expecting to have to wait a couple of months!

[MrsM2509]

I really enjoyed prep, very tiring lots to concentrate on, very informative. Sad bits but lots of positives too. Loved hearing from people who have adopted. Our social worker says one of the reasons it's so tough is that they are trying to make sure only the people who really want it and are strong enough to go through with it. We didn't keep in touch with anyone as although it's not as common now for two prospective adopters to be considered for the same child, it can happen so in a way they could be competition if you see what I mean? That's how the sw explained it to us at prep group.I know that's not the correct way to put it but I've just come out of an exam and my head is fried!

[choochootrain1]

Hi everyone, it's much further down the road for me if I ever get to adopt but I wanted to check from those who might know, do you have to have a seperate bedroom for an adoptive child?

one agency didn't really bother discussing any further when i made enquiries after I said I lived in a 2 bed and have 1 child...

sorry to jump in on the thread. joined mumsnet today. hope you all have the best of success with your adoptions.

[Italiangreyhound]

choochootrain1 I have been led to believe that it is the case you nee a separate room for an adopted child. However, I have heard of one person who was approved for a child of same gender in a two bed place with a birth child.

If you are an adopter who is sought after the rules may be different, so I have heard.

However, I think realistically you would want to give you birth child and your new child some space to themselves. Could you divide a room either permananetly (if you own the home) or temporarily is renting? Could you convert a dining room into a bedroom and use the lounge as lounge-diner if you have two downstairs rooms?

I think the reason for children needing their own space is a very sound one.

Good luck, and there is no need to worry about jumping in, we are all doing that all the time!

[choochootrain1]

Hi Italiangreyhound I actually live in a council property currently so although I could divide a room it wouldn't 'officially' be considered as another room regardless.

If I had been told it was still possible, I would have tried to get approved but given up my bedroom and moved into the lounge for sleeping and then applied for a bigger place or moved out and into private renting of a bigger place. It would be daft to move out into private renting before finding out if I was approved, as where I am now I'll be able to manage going back to work soon, whereas a bigger place privately I'd be stuck on benefits for longer as wouldn't earn enough to afford how much the rent would be...bit of a silly catch 22.

I agree it's a sound reason, however having been a child in care myself growing up for a while, and also having worked with fostered and in care children leaving the system as teenagers... lack of space in a permanent family environment would still provide more stability than numerous foster placements, or the lack of parenting in a childrens home and give a better chance for a positive future.

[fledtoscotland]

Italian - you mention is a previous post about an adoptor who is "sought after". What would be? What circumstances?

[64x32x24]

choochootrain, you're right about it being a catch22. What you could do, is either call your LA (and maybe a few others) and tell them that you have no spare bedroom but could divide an existing one if needed, and see what they thought. It doesn't matter that the property would be 'officially' not big enough, if your LA thinks it's ok, it's ok. And particularly if you're looking to adopt a very young child, chances are that the potential for an extra room would be enough for now. If you are looking at anything more than 12 months though, you'd need that extra room from moving in time at the latest. But your LA may be willing to assess you, provided the potential for that spare room is there.

Or, you could call them but just to check out your general chances of being approved, apart from bedroom situation. If they are very positive about you, consider moving privately for the duration of the assessment/matching, then I assume you'd qualify for a larger council property once new LO has moved in? Or, maybe the LA could even help you with those plans, assessing you whilst you still live at the 2-bed place, with the understanding that you will move to a bigger place around approval time, or some such. Then providing evidence to the council that you 'need' a bigger place as you will soon be matched with a new child.

I think the short message is, don't give up after a first negative response. Try other agencies, and maybe try this one again, phrasing things slightly differently (not just simple 'no I don't have a spare bedroom' but rather 'I don't currently have a spare bedroom, but there are options - I could divide one room into two. However I was not going to start doing that until starting the assessment process.')

Fledtoscotland, sought after differs from region to region. It can pertain to your ethnicity, in most instances. But sometimes it can be enough to indicate that you are looking for a sibling group, if they happen to be struggling to place siblings. Or if you are happy to consider a child with very significant needs (and have the skills for it), for instance the lady in one of the recent TV programmes who was seeking out a child who was deaf, as she was already parenting 3 deaf children and she and her network all spoke sign. Or if you are positively looking to adopt a child who has Downs, or are looking for a child 8 years old or more, or would be happy to adopt a child with a life-limiting illness... all of those things can make you 'sought after' IF that particular LA has children in these categories they are finding hard to place.

[Italiangreyhound]

fledtoscotland if they really wanted you because you were taking a child they would have found harder to place maybe they would be more relaxed about the room situation. But I have not heard this officially.

[Italiangreyhound]

Oh 64x32x24 has already replied better than me!

[fledtoscotland]

Thankyou for your replies. I know SWs from the childrens & families team though work and they think we will be desirable due to history of dealing with speech & hearing probs (ds1) and my work in CP. We have a spare room so that's not a problem. Roll on the home visit on thurs.