Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

[Mersea]

I have found decision making to be a process full of 'am I doing the right thing?' and worrying about what I might regret further down the line. I certainly over think things and sometimes worry that my head has lost touch with that so called gut feeling! I find that my decisions do become firmer over time although doubts still always crop up. I remember speaking to one LA who said we had to wait a year after fertility treatment or a mc before we could apply just to make sure the decision was the right one and we were ready.

[Mersea]

resipsa so sorry to hear about your journey so far. I know how difficult it can be to be totally absorbed by it all. At one point I did not see my dear friend for a year as she had given birth and it hurt so much to be around something I wanted so badly. I am sure the right decision will come to you and you will feel stronger about it every day. (virtual hug)

[dibly]

First post ever, but me, we're at the end of stage 2, and found out today we're going to panel mid June/start of July, then poss matching panel end of July. Quite a day!

I think we've had every wobble going, and the waiting can be hell, but nowhere near as bad as the IVF merry go round. At least this way there's a strong likelihood of a LO at the end of it

[resipsa]

Good post, thanks, just before my bedtime!

[WeLoveLego]

Hello newbies, I'm kinda a newbie too as I don't pop in and post often, but was taken here with questions about how adoption might work with BC, and would love to share my experience.
DH and I have two BC (nearly 5 and nearly 3) and have wonderful new AC (1 year). Adoption was our first choice, no fertility issues and we're quite young still (turned down by some LAs to begin with as they felt our bio kids were too young and we were in 20s).
We started the process officially last July. Took five months to get approved. Matched by Jan 2014.
There's a stress on having a minimum 2 year gap between bio and adopted children, but the right match was deemed more important thankfully, so our LA agreed to a match with only 21 months between our BC and beautiful new AC.
So far it's all going brilliantly well. We had about two weeks of jealously from bc2 (understandably). This involved typical new sibling jealousy stuff like wanting to be fed like the baby, not wanting to share toys etc. BC1, who we predicted would be really jealous (as is normally quite a sensitive child) has throughly enjoyed the whole process; being part of the home assessment, introductions, first few weeks, and is now enjoying just everyday normal family life now we've settled into that. For both BC, being so young maybe, they've been so accepting: DC3 is just one of them.

Things I've found hard so far as an adopter: people's crazy and rude comments such as 'was the child relinquished?, I bet (child's name)' s birth mother was a druggie' etc.- being said in front of all three of my children!! I'm very firm and yet polite in my response (my children don't understand the terms being used yet...but obviously that is set to change- eek, I wish the general public were less rude and better informed about adoption).
Second thing that has been 'hard' for us, is, was, just trying to find other people who have brilliant, inspiring and positive things to say about adoption, and hence why I do like looking in on this board occasionally. I have really enjoyed the process so far and our adoption journey as it continues. We're very realistic about all the many possible problems we'll face in the future, but just wanted to say that so far, it's truly wonderful! Watching the three children sat in the bath together happy as anything- fantastic!
DD3 seems to be thriving, putting on weight, learning new words, giving lots if cuddles, and enjoying having siblings.
However you came to your decisions to adopt newbies, I wish you all the very very best at the start of your journeys, and look forward to hearing how you get on.

[Italiangreyhound]

WeLoveLego so great to hear of your positive experiences. How crap that people have said such terrible things. We are newer to it than you and so far no horrible comments but am bracing myself for it.

[resipsa]

Lego - I'm at those comments. It always makes me laugh that we all strive to teach our DC 'manners' which most adults don't have!

[fledtoscotland]

Well I'm here. Trying to contain my excitement about the impending home visit.

We have two BC - boys aged 5 & 6 (along with 3 dogs, 2 cats and 2 goldfish). I was diagnosed with secondary infertility after multiple abdo & gyn surgeries which was topped off with a hysterectomy last year.

Am excited about the prospect of adoption as DH both feel our family is incomplete, terrified of not being successful and anxious that we will make a mistake that will not only impact on the AC but on BC.

[RaspberrySnowCone]

Hello new people! Although I say new, I'm newer than anyone :)
I had tea with a friend last night who is close to a couple who are about to meet their little 18 month old boy next week. I wasn't going to tell anyone we'd made our first call but felt the need to grill my friend and she asked and said her friend would probably be more than happy to chat of we wanted to although if LO is home in a few weeks I imagine they'll be preoccupied. Nice to know people who've been there and done it though.

We had IVF last year, it failed in September. I don't want to do it again and I explained on the phone about the counselling I've had and support from the GP. They may say wait later but as we are 31/34 we won't be too upset if they do. So used to waiting and waiting on the fertility ride that it would seem odd if we didn't have to.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Someone asked when we told? We were very circumspect, I constantly fretted that we wouldn't be approved and didn't want to be the subject of conversation if that were the case so we told referees when absolutely necessary. About 3 friends and my parents from the start, other friends, acquaintances and pils right after approval in May.

But it looks like we might be matched really soon so people are really having to go 'oh right, erm WHEN? ! '

[Choccyjules]

Really useful to read experiences of adopters with BC as that's going to be us (when we are matched...) so thanks to everyone who has shared on here

[Skitkats]

Hi there. This is my first post although I have been reading for a while. My partner and I were placed with our two kidlettes about 10 months ago. I'm so glad to be finished with all of the assessment process- Parenting two toddlers is much easier than waiting to be approved etc!

[resipsa]

Hmm, the PILs think we'd regret it and should be grateful for/stick at DD. I'm so indecisive since hit with secondary infertility that anyone's negative reaction makes me think we should not proceed. How do you all cope with others' negativity or indifference?

[RaspberrySnowCone]

Resipsa i loved my counsellors advice that sometimes you just have to smile and nod and know in your heart that whatever you are doing is right for you or it wouldn't be what you chose to do. People will always have their own opinion but only you and your partner know what you want. Sometimes your choices will scare other people who have maybe listened to scare stories and don't know all the facts? I've just learned to ignore people or block them out without them even realising :)

[resipsa]

Thanks Rasp. I know that I should have the courage of my convictions but I guess it's that a comment like 'you'll regret it' touches a nerve, particularly in relation to DD. What if we do? But then I think of the rest of my life and know that there are relatively few 'big' regrets...

Anyone have any tips about how to stop thinking about the next step all day everyday and just live for the day (if only for one day). Wish my brain had an off switch (which I manage to find at work but not elsewhere!).

[RaspberrySnowCone]

Why do they think you would regret it? You won't have rushed into anything and your DD will have been at the forefront of your considerations right the way through. You know her better than anyone else so you will know whether it's possible to adopt and the impact it will have.

Can understand how it must be unnerving though if people you want to rely on for support are unsure.

[resipsa]

Rasp - put it this way, I expected that reaction from them. Very rigid, set in a particular way types. Bonus is they live in Australia!!!

[RaspberrySnowCone]

I can name now off the top of my head who will have the same reaction as your PiL if we go ahead with adoption. People who will want us to try IVF again and will feel we'll regret it if we don't. I think my nod and smile approach will be well used over the coming months!

[resipsa]

[happydazed]

hi namechanges!! and everyone else, im happy to be back.

my dh had decided against the whole thing and nearly had us drop out, we took a break between stage 1 and 2 and he finally came round and its all going well. It turns out that several of our friends are either thinking about or have already started adopting. Talking to them seemed to get rid of some of his worries, almost made it more of a 'normal' thing in his mind.

His family after some initial doubts are now fully behind us, we have finished home study and just waiting on social worker writing our par and panel on 22nd July, never thought we would get this far but almost daring to hope we might actually do this!

[happydazed]

resipsa, my pil were very concerned too, we have a 4 year old bc and they said the same, we should focus on him. it has taken a lot of reassurance from us but they are now fully on board. I have made a real effort to include them in the process and I think that has helped.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

My parents had exactly the same concerns as others have voiced - what about the impact on DS , what if they leave you for their "real parents" when they grow up, what if they have so many problems you'll regret it...

We just had to do a mixture of explaining the process eg of letter box contact, pointing out that DS could leave home at 18 for Australia too, and lots of smiling and nodding... Fortunately, the reality of actually meeting DD (so she was a real person not an abstract concept) helped hugely, and they rather adore her now.

[resipsa]

Don't want to turn this thread into one where we talk only about the impact on BC but I'm interested; those of you with (or shortly to be so) BC and AC, what ages were they when your AC moved in?

[resipsa]

Another query. You have to read to know what to take into account but how do you avoid the depressing 'reality' that is painted of all adoptions being riddled with problems and all adoptees having life-long problems? Is it really the reality?