How to contact a child that was adopted? (long sorry)

[Cotswaldsue]

I'm asking on behalf of a friend and have name-changed.

We've tried googling but have just got more and more confused.

DF gave birth to a son 17 years ago. At the age of 3 the child suffered an accidental injury but social services believed her DH was responsible. The police and the CPS said there was no case to answer and there was no prosecution. Nevertheless her DS was taken into care by a very aggressive social services department who said he would be adopted unless she left her husband, which she was not prepared to do. A very long story but he was eventually adopted (aged 5) by his foster family against the wishes of his parents following several court appearances in which they fought to keep him. They were told that any future children they had would be taken into care immediately. They had regular supervised access until the adoption went though so they hope he may remember them.

9 years passed and she became pregnant while on the pill. They got a good solicitor and fought SS tooth and nail to keep the child and they won their case. They also won an apology of sorts for the forced adoption of their DS1. They have subsequently had another child and there was no SS involvement at all.

They have kept every piece of paperwork and photos taken when he was with them to prove to their son that he was very much loved and taken from them against their wishes. And that they fought hard to keep him.

He will be 18 later this year and they very much hope he will try to contact them. DF was told that it may be possible for them to contact him once he was 18. Can anyone tell us if that is the case? Or do they have to wait and hope that he will find them?

You seem to be accepting of your friends' version of events. It may be that they are telling the truth but you have to admit the possibility that they are not telling the truth.

Whether or not they are telling the truth is kind of irrelevant because it's not a matter of truth. It's a matter of belief. Their DS will have been told that he was removed from their care because they hurt him. You have to consider that he may very well not want anything to do with them.

I have no doubt that they are telling the truth. Their son also said that his father didn't hurt him, I don't know if that will be in the file.

DF is going to arrange to get counselling (thanks for the contact details). There are a few months yet before anything can happen and she has time to reflect. It may well be that he decides to apply for his file or his original birth cert and that he gets in touch. Someone she knows at the church didn't go through SS at all, initially, he applied for his original birth cert and went from there. He contacted his mother directly after tracking her down via the GRO index and electoral rolls. That would be very easy to do today, everything is online.

She is going to write a letter to be put in his file to be waiting if he should apply.

She remains determined to contact him if he doesn't get in touch and if after adoption don't do that, then will have to find another way.

His adoptive parents may or may not be supportive of him if he does want to seek out his birth parents. I would imagine most adoptive parents would worry but would be supportive, especially if the child wasn't a baby when adopted and has some memories.

She has a plan of sorts now and has a clearer idea of how to proceed.

Thanks again for the input, I'm sure we will be re reading comments and advice on this thread many times in months to come.

I'm a bit sad at posts from people who seem determined to believe there must have been something wrong with the birth parents. Mistakes happen. They had an unofficial apology and no SS at all with their third child. That's an admission in itself.

Sue I so much hope this turns out well for your friend, and all concerned. Please do come and talk to us all if you wish. Your posts have really helped me to explore this subject and I am not yet an adopter. All the very best for you and your friend.

Probably longalljosie because adoptive parents see fuller details of why children are removed than most people; so see 'the other side'... Plenty of birth parents swear they have done Nothing Wrong At All, but their children's report tell very very different stories.

Which is not to say this is what has happened in this case, but yes, I can well understand a sense of scepticism.

CotswoldSue - I can only echo what others have said and say your friend is lucky to have a friend such as you.

I don't think there's many (any?) posts "determined to believe there must have been something wrong with the birth parents". What people are pointing out is that very many birth parents claim innocence and in the vast majority of cases it simply isn't true. I assume OP has seen some evidence that SS have made an apology because otherwise I don't see how she knows.

Personally I have had my fingers burnt by a friend who swore blind that she didn't abuse her daughter, even claimed her daughter was mentally ill right up to the point that the case came to court and evidence was laid out and she finally pleaded guilty. It was a sobering experience and I have become much more cautious as a result.

Of course mistakes are made and I have come across some very officious social workers but I think people have given wise advice on here about not contacting this boy directly regardless of the circumstances. As OP points out, it really isn't so difficult for a child to search for birth parents if they want to and if he doesn't it may be that he doesn't know the truth, it may be that he does and doesn't want to deal with the upset and complications that contact will bring at this time.

It forces choices upon this boy that are not his again, he was the only one in this who had no choices. Everyone else did, even if they subsequently decided they made the wrong choice, it was still their's to make. OP's friend had the choice of leaving her DH to keep her child and she chose not to and now she's deciding to make him see things her way whatever the impact on his life.

That may sound harsh but I think any decision other that to go through a professional intermediary is a bad one (for all parties)

And no, SS not being involved at the time of the third child being born means that SS didn't need to be involved when the third child was born.

It doesn't mean anything about their involvement earlier.

Kew said it better.

Again.

Hi Long, I don't think anyone is saying there was abuse from the family and I'm certain that in a system so reliant on overworked people, mistakes can happen. I think it's more a reminder that this is only one side of the story shared on a website - there MAY be another side we aren't aware of here - obviously we aren't hearing from social services side or seeing all the information that the family courts saw before they made their final decision hence some of the words of caution. And just on your point regarding later social services input with later children - this isn't unheard of if a family situation changes and the risk to future children is removed - it isn't a sign that the original removal was wrong in the first place - just that as felt the situation was now somehow different.

Crossed messages! What Kew said!

I haven't seen one poster determined to believe that OP's friend is lying. The point is, we don't know for sure what happened. And nor does the OP. And nor, presumably, does the OP's friend since she is going on her husband's work. And that possibility of error, no matter how slight, means we have to advise OP helps her friend very carefully and mindfully. What if people on here gsve all sorts of tips about how to track this boy down and they were used and it turned out the dh had assaulted his son after all?

IME adopters are not hostile to birth parents and we don't think mistakes never get made. But we are perhaps a bit more clued up (I've seen some incredibly naive posts on other threads, assuming that people who love their children don't hurt them, or that a guilty parent wouldn't go to great lengths to prove their innocence, or indeed that guilty parents would actually know they are guilty) and may be more risk averse in this area. Because we have seen the fallout.

I totally agree with what others have said, in particular Kew (well done!). No one other than those there at the time of whatever incident SS believe happened can know absolutely what happened. All we have to go on is what the birth parent's have told their friend.

I am cautious about the whole story, as should any one be when we only have one side of the story, but the verbal apology from SS just doesn't sit right. If the rest of the story is true, and SS apologised to me, I'd have them in court in the blink of an eye.

I am no longer in contact with a member of my family, and they have no idea (I hope!) where I live. If they tracked me down and made contact I would be devastated, and would immediately resist any attempts at communication. I know this isn't the same situation, but from the point of view of someone who doesn't want to be contacted by certain people, the idea of these people coming out of the blue and contacting me makes me feel very vulnerable and quite frankly, out of control. Imagine how that will feel at 18?

The best thing your friend can do, Sue, is to do as has been recommended, and get some specialised counselling, and then send a letter to be included in his file/kept my an intermediary. I appreciate that this may not be what she wants, but this no longer about what she, or anyone else other than her son wants. Like Kew says, at no point has your friend's son been in charge of what has happened - for your friend to remove this newfound control from him would very possibly turn him against any future contact. I think the most important thing is for your friend to be able to separate her own wishes from the best interests of her son - regardless of what that means for her wishes.

Sue - you sound like a fantastic friend, and I hope that you don't feel too bombarded by all this.

As I've said several times, it is perfectly possible that there was no abuse, that the child's memory at the time was that there was no abuse, but that the child's memory has now changed and he now remembers abuse. This is well known and children's memories are very unreliable. He may now believe that this happened.

And even if he doesn't he will know that his birth mother was asked to do something to keep him and refused to do that, and he is bound to feel rejected by that.

I also want to emphasise that the birth family need to consider their son and his wishes - not just their wishes.

A quick update for anyone interested.

Friend and her DH are about to start seeing counsellors as a couple and singly.

In answer to Kew's point about DF having the choice to leave her husband or lose her son. Initially she refused because he had not hurt their son and they naively believed the truth would come out and all would be well. By the time they said it was something they would consider one particular SW had the bit between her teeth and was determined DS would be removed.

Earlier someone mentioned legal action against SS. This the last thing on their minds at the moment but they haven't ruled it out, especially if it's something their DS would want to consider further down the line. Money doesn't matter to them and the SW they "blame" is no longer in the job.

This thread and some lovely pms has convinced them that they will need to approach their son (if he doesn't contact then) through an intermediary.

From my point of view I feel they are both less anxious about the situation and their expectations moving towards more realistic. I'm hoping the counselling will reinforce this.

Thanks again for the supportive messages and thoughtful responses.

I will be back if there is anything to report (as long as that's OK with my friends).

Thanks so much for coming back to update us. It sounds like they have made lots of positive decisions . I hope the counselling proves helpful for them both . The more they understand about how their biological son might be feeling, the more likely it is that any future contact will be positive for them all.

I wish every one involved in this well .

They are fortunate to have such a supportive friend in you .

Sue I can say little more than echo *Kristina's kind words.

Thank you for coming back to update us.

I really wish your friends all the very best in the situation, the best outcome for all.

They are very lucky to have a friend like you, amid such a heart breaking situation where it is all bad news, you are a wonderful spark of help, care and common sense.

Thanks for coming back to update us, it is appreciated. Just to be sure you understand - I'm not judging your friends for the decisions they made I'm sure if they knew what the result would be they would make many decisions differently. I was just using it as one example of a choice they made (even if they subsequently regretted it), my point was more how everyone else had choices at the time but their son did not and forcing choices upon him once again isn't considering his possible need to control his life as a young adult, or giving him any choice.

I'm pleased they are going to use an intermediary and I'd urge them to consider someone with experience in this area as I do believe its likely to achieve the best result for everyone.

Good luck.

I think it was a huge mistake for me to read this.....

Why? Do share.

I've come back with an update and to thank everyone for the advice given earlier this year. (with DF's permission)

The counselling went well and DF and her OH feel it has helped them as a family, not just as parents of a child that was adopted. A letter was written and placed in his file.

There has been a big development. DS has been in touch. Thanks to the counselling DF was able to stay calm and not go OTT. They have said that of course they want to see him but that they need to take things slowly, for his sake. He should apply for his file and talk to his adoptive parents and maybe have some counselling.

Thanks again to all who helped us earlier this year. Without your input I think DF would have rushed into visits, phone calls etc. etc. She knows it's best for DS that they all take things slowly.

That's all I can say without this becoming too identifiable.

Thanks for updating Sue I hope they can all move forward constructively. AS I think several people said earlier the more carefully initally contact is handled generally the better outcome for everyone.

Its kind of you to think of us and coming back to update.

Sue that is brilliant news, for your friends and their son. I wish them all the very, very best for all parties in this situation and you really are a very good friend.