How to contact a child that was adopted? (long sorry)

[Cotswaldsue]

I'm asking on behalf of a friend and have name-changed.

We've tried googling but have just got more and more confused.

DF gave birth to a son 17 years ago. At the age of 3 the child suffered an accidental injury but social services believed her DH was responsible. The police and the CPS said there was no case to answer and there was no prosecution. Nevertheless her DS was taken into care by a very aggressive social services department who said he would be adopted unless she left her husband, which she was not prepared to do. A very long story but he was eventually adopted (aged 5) by his foster family against the wishes of his parents following several court appearances in which they fought to keep him. They were told that any future children they had would be taken into care immediately. They had regular supervised access until the adoption went though so they hope he may remember them.

9 years passed and she became pregnant while on the pill. They got a good solicitor and fought SS tooth and nail to keep the child and they won their case. They also won an apology of sorts for the forced adoption of their DS1. They have subsequently had another child and there was no SS involvement at all.

They have kept every piece of paperwork and photos taken when he was with them to prove to their son that he was very much loved and taken from them against their wishes. And that they fought hard to keep him.

He will be 18 later this year and they very much hope he will try to contact them. DF was told that it may be possible for them to contact him once he was 18. Can anyone tell us if that is the case? Or do they have to wait and hope that he will find them?

Butterytoast, how easy would it be for them to then NOT attempt to make contact?

I really don't think FB is the way to go, not even a little bit.

It wouldn't be easy but no way is.. But ultimately it may be a way for some closure for poorly grandparents to at least (hopefully) see a happy boy.

It sounds as tho they have their sons best interests at heart and have had a long time to think about how best to approach things- I would struggle to imagine they haven't already thought about social media tbh. Also more practically, if they were planning on hiring someone as an intermediate/ pi at least they could advise on his general location...

..which is exactly why they shouldn't do it. Please, please don't advise this. There is a proper procedure in place for these things. They can register their interest in contact and if he is also interested then it will happen.

If they go on FB to find him, I imagine the temptation to send a message would be unbearable. Or they will give his general location to a PI, who will then give them an address. Next they will park outside his house - just to see him, nothing more. And then something more will happen.

Please, don't go this route.

Can i also point out, Butterytoast, that in giving advice on how to track this boy down outside of the safe, established channels, you are assuming that OP does in fact KNOW that this boy is not at risk from his parents. We can't be sure of that, can we?

By parents I meant birth parents, obviously.

Adopted children and their adoptive parents are having their lives ripped apart by FB - it is really a big problem for us. Just today I got a newsletter from my adoption agency full of advice about it.

Birth parents should NOT be advised to track down their children via FB. Someone you have never met telling you on the Internet that they know these people and they're lovely and they have good reason not to trust social workers is NOT a good enough reason to risk a child's safety.

Sorry, you can see I feel quite strongly about this

Point taken..

I think social media is very scary for a lot of parents! It would be very hard to trust that someone who presented on social media was who they said they were and generally I hope parents would advise their teenagers to be cautious of people who approach them via social media.

Sue hope you are OK. This is a lot to take on and you are doing well to keep up with all our messages.

I suspect nearly everyone can well guess my feelings on Facebook, it's stupid instant chat feature and everything about contact by social media....

So I'll say no more on the subject Except - No, no, no, don't do it. It's the height of selfishness to push social media contact that on a child or an 18 year old. And now no more

I hope things do go well for your friend and for her son though.

I am an adopter. This is such an emotive topic that it should really demonstrate that things should be taken slowly. For instance, as others have mentioned FB etc should be avoided as a means of initial contact. There are the feelings of DF (and family), the child, the adoptive parents and the external family on both sides to consider here. In adoption things are never black/white and using social media may initially reap rewards; however, ultimately there will probably be fall out of some kind.

Your DF's son will have formed a bond etc with his AF.....a bond that is formed over time and shared experiences. This bond/attachment could be good or possibly could be fraught with difficulties due to his early life experiences. What your friend must realise is that he may possibly need to read his files etc first and digests this information before contact (adoptive parents are not privy to these files-they only get the CPR which only can report proven facts)? The fairytale ending differs from person to person. As an adoptive mother my hope will always be that although I am not biologically related to my AD that their will always be love, understanding and acceptance.

If the story of this boys early life is as you have told us, I can almost guarantee that he will NOT be on Facebook under his real name, nor will he be using a photograph that can identify him. And his profile will be locked down. I'm sure he's not that stupid .

The best chance for this birth family to establish any kind of contact at all is to go through the proper official channels and respect this young man's privacy and rights.

Direct approaches through Facebook, a PI or other such nonsense are likely to simply reinforce any negative opinion he may have already and shut down any channels of communication, possibly for ever.

Thanks again for the thoughtful replies.

Facebook will certainly not be used as a first point of contact.

My friend wants to bypass SS in the area her son lives/lived in because of the history, she has no trust in them whatsoever. She needs an intermediary totally independent of SS in order to have any trust in her/him. She needs to be sure that any letter they write actually gets to their son. Will someone from an official organisation like after adoption be able to ensure that?

If their son asks for his file does anyone know how long it takes for SS to produce it? Has anyone seen one? She feels it will be very much written from their point of view at the time.

Sorry for all the questions. I'm moving towards the idea of waiting a few months to see if he gets in touch before initiating contact.

I don't know how long it should take them to produce the file, but we were told that it would contain everything that had ever been sent by birth parents to SS for letterbox contact, even if it had not been passed on at the time.

As an eg , we have said that DD's birth parents can send her a birthday card, but it must be signed with their name (not "mummy") and not be a "to my daughter" card. If they send any of those, SS will tell us so we can consider it but we would not - at present, at least - agree to receive it. But it would be kept on file for DD to see when she is older.

Thanks. I'm not sure what my friend would have written. I'm guessing she'd keep to the rules. It's whether it/they found its way into the bin that bothers her.

CotswaldSue when a person requests to see their file, the file is redacted. In my area this is done by the Children's Information Governance and NOT by a SW. They do not include anything "unnecessary that would cause emotional harm or distress".

I understand your friend's worries. She has been waiting 12 years and is perhaps hoping that reunion will erase what has happened?

I think your friend ought to contact After Adoption and ask their advice. She needs to take the right steps as any action can't be taken back or undone.

FWIW from my experience age 5 is quite old to be adopted and have all previous memories wiped out completely.

Bookfairy - I don;t think anyone believes that he won't remember anything but whether his memories are going to be entirely accurate is moot point which may or may not work in his birth mothers favour.

I second (third?) After Adoption - I think someone linked to it earlier in the thread. I haven't used them myself but hear good things of them.

We have adult adoptees in the family and though they have expressed a desire to find out more about birth parents, none before their mid 20's at the earliest

Oh sorry the rest of the paragraph had disappeared! I also said that the OP's friend won't know what he remembers or how accurately, hence the need to proceed with caution and avoid contact via social media.

Sue, it does sound as though your friend almost has her stopwatch set for the day of the 18th birthday and that she is very focused on ensuring that he is given The Truth on that day, with her hovering by the phone waiting for his call. I am really worried about how she will cope if she gets no call. Or if his understanding of The Truth does not match hers. It doesn't sound as if she has any contingency plan here. How do you think she will cope if the day, the months, the years tick by and there is no call?

This is why it's so important for her to get specialist counselling. You can also help her by getting her to accept that she can't control what information he is given or what is in that file. She lost control - of her son and of The Truth - all those years ago and it must feel vital to her to wrest it back now. But that really, truly might not happen and she will need a lot of support to get through that.

My DD1 got her file. I'm trying to remember how long it took, but however long it took her, it will vary between authorities and I guess they have different ways of doing things. DD had a social worker with her to go over bits of it, because some of it was very difficult. It wasn't lies, or selectively chosen to paint a certain picture. It also included things sent to SS by birth parents, but which were not passd on to us. They painted a slightly different picture than was in the file and in DD's memories, put it that way

She then chose to have a contact veto in place

I've heard good things about After Adoption as well, so I'd try them

I agree with Devora's last post entirely

Or it's possible a reunion will start out well, but then go wrong. That's something I've seen with teenagers, both 18 and younger than 18. It starts out happy and fairytaley but as the months go by, things falter, or the birth parents and child drift apart, or the birth parent/child realises that their parent/child is not the person they thought he/she was. Or someone can't emotionally cope with all the emotions and withdraws. And so on. And it turns into sporadic or no contact within a couple of years. I'd actually say that IME that's very common with reunions that happen with someone aged 13-19, I've honestly seen so many adoptive parents, online and in person, have this story. Mines been a bit different but still. Another reason counselling is such a good idea.

After adoption are independent. They are good and you or your friend could phone and talk to their lovely person centred counsellor staff.

It is likely everything is in the file but your friend won't be consoled by that. It isn't that likely that her birth son even gets his file, most boys don't at 18 and most early contacts do go wrong as is described above.

The best outcome for this boy is that he is perfectly happy with his parents and under no huge compulsion to search-as he natures he is more likely to be able to deal with his birth parents too.

Reputable agencies like after adoption won't pass on a whole lot of reading matter to the boy they will initially see if he wants any contact then help stage it/ be intermediaries. The gentler the approach the better and the older the person approached is the more likely it is yo be successful.

I hope for all of them they can reach a better place with this and after adoption would be a great place to start.

0800 840 2020 here is the number for after adoptions' birth ties service.

Just wanted to say local authorities commission after adoption to deal with people looking for birth family, seeing files etc.

Birth parents can leave their contact details as has been said but if the child doesn't register their details then that is the end of it.

There isn't an intermediary who would pass on a letter without it being requested by the child

Even if the child did choose to stop the photos being sent at 12 it doesn't mean he didn't change his mind later and was told no. He might be looking to find his birth parents too. Can the mum and dad write a letter to be put in his file should he go looking?

doesn't mean he didn't change his mind later and was told no I really can't imagine that happening. If he changed his mind, there would in nearly all cases be a move to restart contact (excepting cases where BP's have dropped off the radar and can't be found etc)

Birth parents can absolutely write letters to go on file, and this would be passed on to the child if and when they asked for their file. I would certainly suggest this as a move to make. My DD1 has things on her file that were never passed on to us

I would also highly suggest the birth parents wait. If the child was desperate to get in touch, it would happen fairly quickly after his 18th birthday. If he isn't, the birth parents will find they aren't approached about contact in the following months, and they can then think about what would be the best thing to do for their son

DH was contacted by his birth father when he was 34 and things have gone well I honestly believe if he contacted him at 18 it would have been a completely different story 18 is very young.