How to contact a child that was adopted? (long sorry)

[Cotswaldsue]

I'm asking on behalf of a friend and have name-changed.

We've tried googling but have just got more and more confused.

DF gave birth to a son 17 years ago. At the age of 3 the child suffered an accidental injury but social services believed her DH was responsible. The police and the CPS said there was no case to answer and there was no prosecution. Nevertheless her DS was taken into care by a very aggressive social services department who said he would be adopted unless she left her husband, which she was not prepared to do. A very long story but he was eventually adopted (aged 5) by his foster family against the wishes of his parents following several court appearances in which they fought to keep him. They were told that any future children they had would be taken into care immediately. They had regular supervised access until the adoption went though so they hope he may remember them.

9 years passed and she became pregnant while on the pill. They got a good solicitor and fought SS tooth and nail to keep the child and they won their case. They also won an apology of sorts for the forced adoption of their DS1. They have subsequently had another child and there was no SS involvement at all.

They have kept every piece of paperwork and photos taken when he was with them to prove to their son that he was very much loved and taken from them against their wishes. And that they fought hard to keep him.

He will be 18 later this year and they very much hope he will try to contact them. DF was told that it may be possible for them to contact him once he was 18. Can anyone tell us if that is the case? Or do they have to wait and hope that he will find them?

I also have to agree with others above. I have both adopted and work within the legal sphere of child care cases (not a social worker) and I am not sure you are getting the full story. For a start just because they managed to keep subsequent children doesn't mean first child wasn't properly removed, we have this situation frequently, parents mature, realise the seriousness of a situation etc.

Also I have never known getting a solicitor for a care case as being negatively interpreted it is absolutely the recommended thing to do and I would have grave concerns if a parent refused to get a solicitor. If the LA did admit their mistaken removing your friend's DS both your friends and their DS can bring a civil action against the LA for compensation as the DS didn't get to grow up within his birth family, for this reason alone even if the LA may have thought they made a mistake they would never admit it!

I still hope that your friends DS is open to meeting with them and they all have some form of closure but I would suggest you keep a very open mind about what they are telling you as it appears to be heavily biased (which is completely understandable) but not necessarily what the DS will have been told or knows his history to be.

cotswald - so how will DS feel if he has grown up in a low income household and he now sees what he could have. Children at 18 can be very narrow minded. I am beginning to really worry about the adoptive parents.

"The Truth about Adoption" - Panorama but now on YouTube shows that a birth mother failed to keep her first child but kept her second because her circumstances had happened. Accidents happen - tempers fray with small children etc - doesn't mean someone is bad. Also - you might want to read some of the family law cases which show (I believe) a balanced approach.

And just because the DH was not formally charged by police doesn't mean there wasn't some evidence. Have you read the medical reports? There is a family law case (I think from 2011) where a mother left her 3 year old with 8 week old twins and her husband. When she got back, one of the twins was lifeless - they tried to blame the 3 year old. Even though the DH was not formally charged by police (a different standard) the judge decided that it could only have been DH.

Of course you know your friend - but if something like that happened to one of my friends, and her DH accidentally hurt child, I wouldn't think the worst of either necessarily.

It would indeed be v tragic if there was nothing else on file -and her son was taken away because of an over zealous and naive doctor. Doctors are aware accidents happen all the time - as are social workers.

I can understand how desperate your friend must be to get in contact with this young man but I would urge her for everybody's sakes to do it slowly, carefully and with mediation and counselling for her and her family and if possible for her birth ds too.

Some reunions that start with fairy tale beginnings and everyone crying tears of happiness go very sadly wrong due to differing expectations on each side. Your df may desperately want to explain and build a bond with her ds, but who knows what his feelings as a teenager from a disrupted childhood may be at the moment? He may feel bitter and resentful about the past and furious that she is trying to upset the balance of his present life by opeining old wounds. He may have secretly fantasised unrealisitcally growing up, that his birth parents would be perfect and whisk him off to a wonderful life where he didn't ever have to do homework or tidy his bedroom. Or he may just not be interested at all. Whatever his feelings are, your df has to accept that he will view his adoptive parents as his mum and dad and he may not want or need her in his life at the moment or perhaps ever.

It sounds like your df is thinking a lot about 'putting things right' but how much is she considering what may be right for him? Who knows what's going on in his life right now? (university? girlfriends? career decisions? teenage angst?). Contacting him out of the blue if he's unprepared could possibly put a grenade in his life and maybe damage things permanently between the two families.

By leaving her contact details with an intermediary (links on this thread) and allowing him to make the step to contact her if he chooses may be the very best way she can show him one day that his wishes and needs are important to her, and actually they are more important than her understandable need to be in contact with him. An intermediary can help to avoid clashing expectations, disappointments and the unrealisitic fantasy.

I wish all of them the very very best and do hope that one day they can successfully get to know each other if that's what he wants.

JammieMummy thank you. It's only been unofficially admitted that a mistake was made. They don't want to make a legal case of it but if their son does they would support him and pay any legal expenses.

It seems to me that one SW took a dislike to them and drove the case despite the police saying there was no case. I know this can happen, I've seen it in my previous career. She was incensed that they wouldn't admit to something they hadn't done. She is no longer a social worker. Nuff said, I think.

I do know I am only hearing one side of the story and I'm not naïve. I've worked in a field not that far from SS. I do know these people well now. They have no "side" to them. I believe them and I think their son will as well.

Cross posting. I'm so slow.

I'll have a look at that programme, thank you Hels20.

Betty, I would hope that I can persuade her to act through an intermediary but I don't think she will be put off from contacting him this year. If he doesn't want contact, after hearing the full story, I think she will be heartbroken but will abide by his wishes, leaving the door open.

Basically she chose her husband over her child. This is what the child might think.

Plus would echo what is said about you not knowing the full story....the burden of proof in criminal cases is set high so yes husband may not have been charged but in civil cases it is different.

Forced adoption is not the norm. Not saying don't help but you are potentially entering a mine field.

I completely understand why your friend wants to make contact and put her side of the story across, but do worry that this will end in tears if she is not prepared to acknowledge that the 5yo son she knew is now a very different person who is quite entitled to want nothing to do with his birth parents, siblings or grandparents. From what you've said she doesn't really seem to be content with "just" making contact, she wants to try to make everything hi wit would have been if her son had not been adopted.

Given that there is letter box contact in place, could she not write to say that contact details gave been placed with the organisation in Kristina's post should he ever want to get in touch, and then leave the ball entirely in his court?

Cotswald sue -I know that YOU know you don't have the full picture. No one ever does , including the courts and SS. However there are elements of your friends story that ring true to me.

I find it slightly worrying that you think she'd hire a PI or something if you didn't help her. There are official channels. No matter how much distrust she may or may not have in professionals and SW's, she needs to go through the official channels. Methods of contact like Facebook are generally a terrible idea, and it's really not thinking in the sons best interests. I also personally think 18 is too young but that's my humble opinion.

I also can't help thinking that her son himself may have stopped contact years ago - my son is only 8 and he chose himself to halt contact last year. I am sure his birth mum thinks I had a hand in it, but it was truly entirely his own choice. By the age of 12, I would expect most aadopted children to know about letters and to have their own say in it. Some children choose to stop contact

If he doesn't want contact, after hearing the full story

What if he doesn't want to hear her story? What if she approaches through an intermediary (which really is the way she should do it) and he refuses any ongoing contact at this stage? Can she respect that and back off for a few years, and not keep trying to make him listen to her?

And saying all this, I'm sure I might sound un-compassionate, but actually I do feel for your friend. Regardless of whether or not her husband really did cause the injury, losing your child to adoption is a terrible thing to happen. I am sorry for her loss

I'm being honest and trying to think primarily about the son and his interests, but don't mistake that for a lack of empathy or hard-heartnedness.

I think your friend is thinking of her own needs. I think she should leave her son to choose to contact her if he wishes, when he wishes.
Despite whatever she may feel, that would be better for him.

I just want to echo what has been said by others here. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of your friend (or any other birth parent) making contact with their adopted children when they are still young. Contact needs to be made as and when the adopted child is ready, and done at their speed and on their terms.

Your concern that she may engage the services of a private investigator if you don't help her really worries me. It comes across that she has (understandably) fixated on this since he was adopted, and is blinkered to the reality of the situation. This isn't a five year old anymore, it's a young man who has been brought up by other people who he will now regard as his family, and who may not want contact.

The fact that letterbox contact and photos have stopped suggests that perhaps he doesn't want to be in touch. That isn't to say that he won't be in the future. When you're 18 you have enough on your plate getting through school, and working out your place in the world without the inevitable stress and upset this would cause if your friend does suddenly make contact.

I really feel sympathy for your friend, but I get the impression she is allowing her pain and need for contact to cloud her judgement, and she is not putting her son's best interests first. I agree with what others have said that she should pass her details to a third party so that if and when her son wants to instigate contact he can do so.

I also feel I have to say that I would feel very uncomfortable having any part in tracing her son, and my suggestion as her friend would be that she needs to get counselling to talk through the situation so that should her son make contact she is in the best place possible.

If I was adopted and turning 18, I would want birth family to contact me first to show that they still cared or wanted to be in touch. I don't think she should be put off contacting him at all, just needs to be done through the official people, very slowly.

Thanks to everyone who has replied.

I won't be seeing my friend again until after the weekend but I will take on board everything that has been said.

I would say my friend isn't just thinking of herself in this. She is thinking of all of her children who she feels have a right to know each other. And of her son's grandparents who are not getting any younger. If she waits even 5 years that may be too late for them. How would her son feel if he got in touch a few months too late to meet them again? They were all very close.

She doesn't trust SS that's why she mentioned a PI. I don't think she would really go through with that. She wants to be sure that he knows that she wants to get in touch and she doesn't trust SS to pass that on. Does anyone have any suggestions of who could act as an intermediary other than SS? She is an active member of a church, would a minister be a good idea?

Her son wasn't adopted as a baby, he called her and her DH Mummy and Daddy until he was 5, she thinks he will have some memory of that and I think she may be right. I have memories of before I was 5.

He won't be 18 until the summer so I will suggest she gets some counselling before then. I think she'll be able to get some via her church.

Thanks to everyone again.

What does "very slowly" mean, Pointeshoes?

Cotswaldsue, the thing that worries me most is your friend's fixation on telling her son 'the truth', as though it is an objective, fixed thing that just needs to be transmitted to him. What if he, and his adoptive parents, believe that his birth father did hurt him and his birth mother abandoned him? Does she think that just be turning up and saying, "It's all a pack of lies" he will believe her? She needs to be prepared that this might not happen in the way she anticipates, and that may feel like a traumatic repeat of the original loss.

You asked who else can help, other than SS. I think the charity Norcap used to have a contact register, but they closed recently and I think BAAF (British Assn for Fostering and Adoption) is now offering this service. Your friend could talk through her options with them, before committing herself to any course of action.

I would echo everyone else who says counselling and an intermediary.

Our DD was 7 when adopted and we fully expect her to want to have direct contact with her BM in the future (we do letterbox atm).

One thing that hasn't really been mentioned is that the siblings and birth parents are pretty much strangers to the son. He may feel they have nothing at all in common. He will have had a different upbringing, different education, different experiences, maybe taught different values and priorities. If there is an expectation that they will 'love' each other or feel a 'bond' they may be highly disappointed. (Or of course it may go swimmingly).

I really don't think (in my humble opinion) we can know what would be best for this young man. Maybe some contact from his birth mum in an appropriate way will be good and will help him to feel loved and wanted. Maybe it will throw a grenade into his life. It may depend a lot on his adoptive parents and what he has been told, and on his own memories and thoughts.

I think Cotswaldsue that you are acting as a very good friend and really trying very hard to do what is best. So in that sense your friend is fortunate, just one good thing in all this mess for her, that she has you.

I hope she will listen to reason in terms of caution and care in how she makes any approach.

I think if I may interject one tiny thought more for the moment and that is to be very careful about the choice of counsellor to help her with this situation. I am a Christian. I don't know what sort of church your friend goes to (please feel free to pm me but I am not asking you to reveal it here for obvious security reasons) and I am aware that some Christian counselling is excellent but I am also aware, as a Christian, that some can over spiritualise situations. Trying to make sense of them in a certain light and sometimes making quite rash claims about what will or will not happen based on what people feel God is telling them. I say this as someone who has seen damage caused by churches trying to cope with things like serious illness in child (I am sure the Lord will heal him etc) and then fall out when things do not go well.

Having had years of fertility issues I chose to see a specialist fertility counsellor who knew what the issues were that I was facing and could talk about those issues in a certain way. It did not mean that I did not pray about it or seek prayer from others but I think sometimes with a very specific kind of problem a very specific kind of counselling can be more useful than a general counsellor. If the counsellor at a church has no experience of adoption they may well be out of their depth! I really do not mean this at all in an offensive way.

I agree, IGH. There could be a tendency to romanticise a mother-child reunion, or to place undue faith in the power of forgiveness. Use the church for comfort and support, but seek specialist advice from the experts.

I hope your friend finds the right way forward and some resolution, OP.

I am actually very horrified to think that in some situations some people might appear ‘guilty’ because they say they are innocent or that their insistence that they are innocent fuels the feeling they are guilty.

I know you do not necessarily know all that happens in any situation and neither do I, and I know that no system is full proof. Hopefully, I feel that the vast majority of children who are removed are removed rightly but I also feel that mistakes can happen, and can have devastating consequences.

As others have said I am very aware of your friends almost overpowering (in my opinion) to tell the truth and set the record straight. I am very fearful for her that if she is not believed or not even heard she will be further devastated as other have said.

I sincerely hope you will help her to see that it is not really possible to right this wrong, not possible to turn back the clock. But it may be possible to find some way forward that will enable her and her family to know this young man again.

As I said before I am fearful that aging relatives will put a ticking clock into the situation. This will sound hugely heartless but for the sake of this young man and your friend I really hope the aging relatives will not be used as way of trying to speed up the process. Of course, they will want to see him, and he may or may not wish to see them. But I feel this man and his parents (all those identified as parents I mean) are the ones who really matter in the equation and bringing too many other people’s needs into the picture will only end up clouding things.

All best wishes, I think you are right to be the voice of caution and calm for her.

Thanks again for the thoughtful replies.

I've had a bit of a restless night thrashing this over in my mind and realising nothing is ever as simple as it first appears. I've been trying to put myself in the position of all parties involved. Please excuse the ramblings of an over tired woman.

In order of least importance in my mind

1. The grandparents. They knew and loved this child for 5 years and they want to be sure he is ok and happy. They would love to see him again and get to know the young man he has become. Even second hand information would put their minds at rest if he is well and happy. Time is running out.

1. The siblings. They have a brother they have never met. He is a part of their family, it seems wrong that they may never know someone who has the same genes as they do. They are young, though, when they meet him matters less.

1. The adoptive parents. They must have known from the time the papers were signed that one day his birth parents would want to see him again. It has been the sword of Damocles hanging over them for 12 years. They would probably hope that the parents won't contact him or that he won't want contact. Would it be better for it to be dealt with now rather than dreading it for years to come? I think I'd rather deal with it soon.

1. The birth parents. They need to know he is well and happy. They want him to know that an injustice was done to all of them. They want him to know the truth as they see it and understand and accept or reject them but with all the facts at his disposal.

1. The son. At the age of 3 he was taken from the family he knew and at the age of 5 his parents and grandparents disappeared from his life. He will know he was adopted and must know some of the circumstances. In his place I would have questions. He's on the threshold of adulthood and it seems right that he should start the next phase of his life with the complete story. He may accept or reject his birth parents but the choice should be his. He may be very happy with his life and not want to look back but at least he will have the choice. He can close the chapter before opening a new one.

Thoughts that do occur in the dark of the night - What if he is unhappy? What if his relationship with his adoptive parents isn't good? What if their relationship broke down?

(The church they go to is a "mainstream" Anglican type, Italian. I think she would receive balanced counselling there.)

I'm going to encourage her to get some counselling before attempting contact. I am going to stay involved because they are going to try to contact him whatever I do. I'm going to keep pointing out the possibility of rejection. I think an older head is helpful here and they trust me.

I think you are being an incredibly supportive and helpful friend.

I don't much like your "ranking" (why are birth parents more important than adoptive parents? What if one of the birth siblings became ill and needed a genetic match for treatment?) but your thinking against them seems reasonable. I do just worry about the son outright rejecting his birth mother, for whatever reason. Which also had the effect of rejecting his birth siblings, and I wonder how involved they are in this process and the impact of either rejection or, for that matter, reunion.

I don't think the idea of contact with birth family is anything to be described as a "sword of Damocles". They may not have thought about it, and they may be looking forward to it, they may have already discussed it, and all decided what to do. What they WILL have been doing is talking to the son all along about his family and explaining things at an age appropriate level. This isn't something that will come in isolation, as an amazing revelation, out of the blue from a background of silence and never talking about birth family.

You and/or your friend seem to be quite fixed on the idea that the son "must be told THE truth". There seems to be this idea that it will redeem everyone and they will all happy. It may do exactly the opposite. He may ask "why are these birth family members telling me such lies, that's not what i know about the situation".

I have to say the most persuasive idea to me is the contact with young siblings. But the adoptive family will know about them, and may even have been offered contact, but declined (though this isn't a given where birth siblings live with birth family). But again, this relationship may not be all sweetness and light. The first child was "rejected" by birth family - they didn't care enough about him to jump through the hoops they were asked to jump through to keep him. And yet they did this (in his eyes, or genuinely YOU DO NOT KNOW), for the other children. Was he less lovable? Was it his fault? Can you imagine how that feels for him?