How to contact a child that was adopted? (long sorry)

[Cotswaldsue]

I'm asking on behalf of a friend and have name-changed.

We've tried googling but have just got more and more confused.

DF gave birth to a son 17 years ago. At the age of 3 the child suffered an accidental injury but social services believed her DH was responsible. The police and the CPS said there was no case to answer and there was no prosecution. Nevertheless her DS was taken into care by a very aggressive social services department who said he would be adopted unless she left her husband, which she was not prepared to do. A very long story but he was eventually adopted (aged 5) by his foster family against the wishes of his parents following several court appearances in which they fought to keep him. They were told that any future children they had would be taken into care immediately. They had regular supervised access until the adoption went though so they hope he may remember them.

9 years passed and she became pregnant while on the pill. They got a good solicitor and fought SS tooth and nail to keep the child and they won their case. They also won an apology of sorts for the forced adoption of their DS1. They have subsequently had another child and there was no SS involvement at all.

They have kept every piece of paperwork and photos taken when he was with them to prove to their son that he was very much loved and taken from them against their wishes. And that they fought hard to keep him.

He will be 18 later this year and they very much hope he will try to contact them. DF was told that it may be possible for them to contact him once he was 18. Can anyone tell us if that is the case? Or do they have to wait and hope that he will find them?

Coltswaldsue -the young man concerned already has the choice to contact his birth parents and it appears that he has chosen not to take up that option.

And it's not really a matter of " closing the door " on one chapter of his life. It's IS his life, for good or ill. He will go on living with the implications of the choices other people made for the rest of his life. Having contact with his birth family and /or hearing their version of events won't alter that . It may alter his views or feelings about his adoption but it may not.

I have to repeat what other posters have said, that very few adopted seek contact when they are 18, especially boys. Most of them, unsurprisingly , are busy with school /college/work, their friends, sports, hobbies, their appearance and the pursuit of boys/girls.

It may well be that he doesn't want any contact now, but may change his mind later, especially when he has a family of his own.

I know this must seem very hard to your friends. It sounds like they have waited 15 years to welcome this boy back into the loving arms of his family . That why they really REALLY need specialist counselling. Because what ever happens, it's not going to be what they hope for. Really it's not. I'm sorry, but part of your job as her friend is supporting her through the process of coming to accept this.

That little boy of 3 has gone for ever . He is now a total stranger with his own views, opinions, experiences and values. The odds are quite high that he simply doesn't want to know or deal with this at this stage in his life.

I'm sorry, I know this is very hard to hear.

I am also a Christian and could not agree more with Italians comments. Your friends need someone experienced in counselling around adoption and reunion. It's a very complex and specialist area .no minister will be aware of the law, procedures and protocols around this.

You are obviously such a caring friend and are thinking deeply about what is in the best interests of everybody (and please remember to give yourself as an involved friend some tlc too).

But I am a bit concerned that you feel the church is the right place for your df to go for such specialist counselling. I am not knocking this church or any other religion's spiritual leaders, but whoever your df talks to about this may or may not know the first thing about the legalities, the emotional pitfalls and the trauma involved in adoption. With the very best and well-meaning of intentions, a non-specialist may potentially do more damage. e.g. just the use of inappropriate terminology such as referring to your df as his 'real' mum may be enough to sour initial contact.

Please advise your friend to look for help from an organisation like this
afteradoption.org.uk/searching-adopted-son-or-daughter

The church may then well be the best place for her to go to deal with the emotion this all throws up for her.

KristinaM the child hasn't had the chance to contact his birth parents yet. He isn't yet 18.

My friend would not be happy with a counsellor who is also a social worker. She doesn't trust them, her experience is that they lie and are unhelpful. I'll think again about the minister.

The younger siblings know they have a much older brother, there are photos of him around the house. They know how he came to be taken away.

I will try to prepare my friend for the possibility of rejection but I don't think that will stop her contacting him.

Why do you/she assume that all adoption counsellors are social workers? Don't you/she think that they must see a lot of birth parents who might have issues with why their children were relinquished or placed for adoption. I can't believe that your friend will be the first birth parent to have these issues.

Sue, the young man has had a chance to send letters through his parents, or to have them sent on his behalf. The fact that these stopped at 12 indicates strongly that the young man himself has chosen not to have contact .

It's not unknown for adoptive parents to even arrange face to face contact with members of the birth family, if they feel it is in the child's best interest and the child wants it ( and everyone agrees of course ) .

An adoptee himself is allowed to seek contract with his birth parents any time he wants, although if he is under age it needs to be with his parents permission. It's the birth parents who cannot seek contact with the adoptee until he is 18.

That's why there is not a great rush of adoptees contacting their birth families when they are 18. Because if they had wanted that it would probably been arranged already

Sadly I agree with Kristina

My DD2 has contact because she wants it, and started regular face to face visits when she was 16

I can't imagine that this boy desperately wants contact, because the letters stopped and haven't started again. We adoptive parents aren't bad guys, and we don't generally go out of our way to make contact difficult. My son could come to me anytime prior to 18 and say he wanted letters or a face to face visit, and I would do my best to arrange it (obviously in some cases this might be impossible). I strongly suspect letters stopping age 12 is the childs own choice

Sue -I'm not suggesting that you try to persuade your friend not to seek contact. I'm simply suggesting that the matter is much more complicated and fraught with pitfalls than she seems to think .

She has already made clear plans for this. She will meet him and show his her file of evidence, all the documents and photographs. She will tell him " the truth as she sees it" He will met his biological siblings and grandparents, who know all about him ( despite the fact that they have never let him, or at least not in 15 years ).

Can't you see how completely unrealistic this is and how completely it takes no account of the young man concerned and what he wants /feels?

It's a complete repeat of his adoption experience, where all the decisions about him were taken by others who believed that they knew best. Except now he is a grown man and this time HE has choices.

Please encourage your friend to get specialist counselling. The more you write about her, the more I am concerned that this proposed contact is another disaster waiting to happen, unless she can get some advice and support .

Sue, firstly, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your friends real pain. You are doing her a great service by asking for alternative viewpoints to help her navigate this trauma.
I'm very nervous that she is projecting her own needs, fears and desires onto her son. The original advice about using professionals who can help and support all parties and make sensitive contact if positively received by their son is sound. Her son may not be ready for this but your friend, whilst understandably suffering, does seem to be forcing this on him regardless. Debating using a private investigator is her choice not his - not using a professional is her reacting to her own fears at the expense of a system that is in place to protect her son as well as the wider families. Deciding to make contact at 18 rather than waiting to see if he makes contact in his time is imposing her time agenda onto him regardless of knowing his thoughts. Wanting to share "The Truth" as she sees it is again making an enormous decision that she has no way of knowing is what he needs to hear. Wanting him to meet grandparents before it's too late is for her / their benefit - he is unlikely to remember huge amounts about them and has other grandparents and siblings potentially - all of which will be directly affected by your friends choice.
All I'm trying to say is that it sounds like she wants him to know he is loved and is determined to tell him. Perhaps the greater display of her love for him would be to back off direct contact, use professionals despite her discomfort and allow him to set the dynamics of future contact. Painful for her undoubtedly but would be putting him first in a way that shows her love for him is more important than all else including her own peace of mind.
I wish you well.

Hi Sue as BettyBotter says please remember to give yourself as an involved friend some tlc too.

I think you are a really good friend to support your friend in this way.

How old are the other siblings OP (roughly, pls don't give identifying details)? It's just your comment about them knowing all about their older brother and having pictures of him (presumably from 15+ years ago) all around makes me wonder how they will react having grown up rather under his shadow. They may well not want an older brother(especially the elder of the two, who has in effect been the older child not a middle child), and this might also sully the reunion that your friend is so desperate to make happen.

Both younger children are in school. The photos of him are with photos of the younger ones and other family photos. Some are photos sent by his adoptive parents. They aren't all over the house - there are no more than most families who like to have family photos on the piano or in the hall have around.

There have been no letters from child or the family, the adoptive parents didn't want that but they did send one photo a year until he was 12.

I'm going to suggest she asks the GP about counselling before the summer he knows all about the history and has been very sympathetic.

I'm coming round to the idea of a letter from her sent via an intermediary, does that sound a possible way to go? Waiting to see if he contacts them isn't something she will consider, I think, because of what he may have been told.

A one page letter wishing him well and saying he hasn't been forgotten seems a reasonable idea to me. Then it would be up to him.

Sue, if there haven't been any letters it's not because "the adoptive parents didn't want that", it's because either it was deemed inappropriate by SS or because he didn't want to send them. Adoptive parents have to agree to the contact arrangements recommended by SS (nowadays through the Matching Panel, not sure about back then), even if nothing comes back from birth parents and / or sending and receiving letters causes their children distress and upset. I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but if there have been no letters for some time there is a reason for it, almost certainly that the son doesn't want to send them.

In terms of an intermediary, letterbox contact provides that intermediary until he is 18, then there are the agencies mentioned up thread. SS have to pass on any letters sent by either side unless they are inappropriate. Even so, they will keep a full record of correspondence on both sides and can provide it on request post-18.

Families do all adopters stick to the recommendations of Social services and send letters?

I think they do, SS chase them up if they don't , as they act as the postal service .

Well no, not everyone does, but IME the vast majority of parents do try their best to keep up with the contact

Sometimes after a few years, people stop, because they don't feel it's working for their child, but that's different from not trying to begin with

Personally, I think photos stopping at 12 is the same as letters stopping at 12. I still think it's very likely the child himself was involved in that decision

italian and kristina I don't think adopters always do stick to recommendations. Sometimes they feel it is not in their child's best interests (have seen this discussed on AUK boards), for example if child gets massively upset etc when received.

I also suspect that sometimes people may go along with saying they will do letterbox in order to adopt, but actually have no intention of doing so, for whatever reason. If it's only an agreement not an order once adopted the APs have the final say. NB I don't know personally of this happening, I am just surmising.

I know of people who do not keep up letter box but that is clearly not the situation here. Photos were sent for 7 years and then stopped when the boy was 12 which is also the age a child will have an understanding of letter box, what it means and will have a well reasoned opinion on if it should continue.

I would be very surprised if this child did not have a say in the letter box situation and it is likely it was his choice to stop the photos.

I think your letter idea via an intermediary sounds sensible. Then she should leave the ball in his court and wait for him to choose to follow up the contact when he wants.

Sue , it might feel like everyone on this thread is shouting 'SLOW DOWN' at you and your friend here, but put simply your friend is more likely to end up with the good relationship with her son that she wants if she lets him have some of the control here.

The statisitcs of reunions leading to successful long term relationships are not great between birth parents and adoptees. One of the main factors which seems to promote a positive reunion is equivalent expectations on both sides. And it's not just social workers and adopters saying this, honestly.

Study Here's a study of reunions from Ireland (where things are done differently from England). Assume you're in UK but perhaps not?

To save you reading - factors seeming to contribute to a successful reunion are: 1. the relationship being 'structured' (e.g. everyone knows when visits or phone calls will happen); 2. based around a 'friendship style' relationship (not on parent -child type behaviours); 3. when the birth parents accept they could not ever be the type of mother they would have wanted to be (this included accepting that the child belonged to another set of parents to whom they were strongly attached). The most positive reunions were ones where the birth parents respected and accepted the adoptive parents role and finally 4. where the birth siblings were involved and postive.

Your friend really has to decide what she actually wants out of this long term and for whose benefit. If it's just to tell her side of the story and leave a pile of paperwork behind as proof that's one thing. If she wants a chance at actually building a longer term bond she would be wise to listen to your warnings.

And well done so far. She obviously loves and trusts you to share all this with you.

Hi Sue I can't stop thinking about you and your friends. Just wanted to wish you all the best in your next conversation with them and say I really hope and pray for a good outcome for all.

Such a difficult situation. I work with young people who have been in care (or had failed adoptions) and turning 18 is a momentous time. It's not guaranteed but from my experience I imagine he will have questions that he wants answers to. He can request his file at 18 but of course he will not be able to view everything. Were your friend and her husband able to have a letter placed in his file?

I think you are a wonderful friend. Make sure you are also supported as I'm sure that emotions are running high.

Thanks for the replies and my DF thanks you as well.

They did leave a letter in the file but they don't trust the SW to have included it. She was prepared to lie in court, so they have no trust in the department to have kept it.

DF is going to ask the GP about counselling for herself and her DH. But they remain determined that they will get in touch with their son. They promised him he would see them again and they think he will remember that. How that happens they aren't sure about. A letter seems a good idea but it's choosing the intermediary.

We will proceed slowly. Thanks for your concern.

I don't know whether this will add anything but:....

I am a birth parent in less unjust circumstances but still those in which I have very mixed feelings about DD's adoption and agony over the ways in which I could have possibly kept her, despite knowing that just wanting her with me is really quite selfish. So I understand some of the pain, the pain that never really lessens.

I am a Christian and was a bit half in half out during my Social Services years. I am also working through my pain with a Diocesan Counsellor (thru my local diocese). She would be the first to admit that I am teaching her things about care proceedings and adoption despite her many years experience of all that humanity can do and feel. I work with her on how I feel and how to manage my feelings and live with them. So if your friends want to talk through how they feel about their adopted son's turning of age and how to handle the months that follow and how to not try and turn over every grain of injustice on the first opportunity - a good place to go.

If they need information and the normal ways of doing things, and an understanding of the process, they need to go elsewhere and afteradoption.org provide counselling and support in those circumstances. I also think if she is to manage this reunion she really needs to work on the complete distrust and anger at Social Workers. I say that as someone who is working on exactly that. We all have it and ultimately it only hurts us, and brings prickly defensiveness out instead of openmindedness.

I also think the scrapbook is lovely, but would work better if it was a way for her to work through her feelings with respect to him, and his absence, rather than something to show him, which is emotionally demanding and far to pressured and almost self-pitying, to put on an 18 year old who also never asked for his life to change as it has. Apart from my 'contact' letters I write to DD, I also write all the stuff I long to say to her, seeing the adult her in my mind. She will never see them. They are my therapeutic coping.

I hope this works out ok, and I think you are very good to walk this path with them. We all need friends like that.

sue you will want a proper, professionally qualified intermediary - such as After Adoption.

They also need to be prepared for him not to remember that they "promised" to see him again (or in fact for him to be scared by this if he does remember it - if he remembers that he was injured, and his memory is not clear on how it was caused, it could be very scary if people that he thinks may have caused it, promised that "we'll see you again".)

I would really get them to call after adoption and talk to the helpline staff, they are not SWs they are a charitable organisation who also act as intermediaries.

They sound a long way from being in a position to make this contact work successfully and sensitively. Factually and statistically the earlier they get in contact, the more pressured their contact is then the less likely it is that they go on to forge a lasting relationship. It's equal expectations that help and their loss and grief are going to be big barriers unless they can manage them carefully.

It wouldn't be a good idea to contact him by it, but for their own peace of mind could they look on the dreaded Facebook? I say this as you indicated he was adopted by his foster carers so they may remember their surname?

At least this way they could see a picture perhaps? They could do this alongside the 'official route'