Dh (now 44) was adopted at 10 days old. He was never terribly curious about his birth parents until 9 years ago. He contacted the adoption agency (we're in Ireland where the "child" has no right to any but the most basic, unidentifying information) and spoke with a social worker. She advised him to write to his BM and she would pass the letter on. He did so, saying that he really wanted to know his medical history (I think the SW might have suggested that as a tactic to get her to respond). She did respond immediately with a letter saying how upset and terrified she was to get his letter. That if she had committed a crime she'd have served her time by now and wouldn't have this fear that he would show up at her doorstep. That she never saw or held him and was sedated at the time of his birth. Her parents and siblings knew about him (she was 23 at the time of his birth, his BF was 30!). She was not interested in forming any relationship with him at this stage but maybe in the future - she did ask for a photograph (of him and his dc which he had included but the sw had not forwarded). A year or so ago dh had become very interested in knowing his genetic background and whether he had siblings (he has none in his adoptive family) and found he was always looking at people in the street wondering did they look like him - could they possibly be related (it is a small country!) so he contacted the SW again, wrote another letter but again she is not interested but hasn't quite said so, just that she is not sure yet....So we went to the General Registery and found dh's and his bm's birth cert (his uncle knew her surname) so we know her name (but are not supposed to - she doesn't know this as he is supposed to be respecting her right to anonymity) and where she lived and have seen pictures of his cousins on facebook - a definite family resemblance!!! He is so pleased. But of course this has only whetted his appetite for knowing more - and he still has no clue as to what his BF is like.
Initially I felt sympathy for his BM - it must be awful to feel shame for what must have been a traumatic time in her life - she doesn't appear to have married or had more children. But now we know her DF (his GF!!) died (only) 5 years ago so we can't really see why she would not want to acknowledge him now. I want to feel the sympathy I did initially as dh is increasingly upset by her lack of curiosity/interest in him and I'd like to be able to throw a bit of oil on troubled waters rather than join in giving out about her but I'm thinking: why not!!! HE has not done anything wrong - why shouldn't he know where he comes from - what right does she have to keep that information from him??? I feel I probably am BU so if you can throw a bit of reason on her side of the fence please do and stop me from wanting to post her a letter directly giving her a piece of my mind!!!