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Adoption

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Original poster

How should I deal with this? I just discovered my birth mother tried to find me over 10 years ago

33 replies

oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 17:58

I was googling my own name (as you do Wink), then DH's, etc etc, and for some reason I googled my birth mother. There's a post on an adoption board from the 1990's, it is definitely about me, the same birth date and everything. It just says "(mumsname) seeks (myname), (myDOB), born (the hospital I was born at)." And it's posted by a man with a different name, with an email address at the bottom that I think was hers.

I was adopted at birth, she was 14 years old, and I never had any contact. I got my original birth certificate about 20 years ago with her name on it, but that's the limit of my knowledge.

Weird. I'm not sure how to feel about it, TBH.

OP posts:
Lamazeroo · 15/05/2013 17:59

Goodness, what a jolt it must have given you! Do you have anyone to talk it through with?

FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:04

Would you like to contact her?

Sorry - I'm not quite sure what to say to you. I was adopted as a baby. I'd love to find my birth mother.

FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:07

Apologies. That wasn't the right response. Blush

I can imagine it was a huge shock to you. Do you want to pursue it? If you do, I would recommend that you try to go through a professional intermediary. Have you heard of NORCAP?

Original poster
oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 18:08

I don't honestly know. It's never been something that I've felt the need to do - I did consider it around when DD was born as she has a congenital condition that could have been genetic, but we decided not to have more children so I didn't take it any further.

It was a real thump-in-the-stomach moment. I have no idea what made me put her name in, I've obviously never done it before.

I actually feel a bit sad that the 'seeking' post has been there for almost 15 years and I could have spotted it any time with a quick google.

OP posts:
Original poster
oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 18:10

FruOla no apologies necessary, everyone's different! Wink

I don't know what I want to do. I'll look at NORCAP, I hadn't heard of it, thank you.

OP posts:
FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:13

oops. I've just Googled NORCAP and discovered that they've had to close down (they were a charity). Sorry.

FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:15

Ah, I believe that After Adoption www.afteradoption.org.uk/ might be a good place to start - for support and further help.

FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:44

Give yourself time to process what you've found.

And give yourself time to decide what you'd like to do.

As Lamazeroo said, talk it through with people - your nearest & dearest - and a counsellor if needs be.

As you say, everyone's different, so what you decide to do must be your own decision, rather than someone else's 'opinion'.

I wish you the very best of luck, whatever happens. Flowers

Original poster
oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 18:45

I'll look at them. No idea if I want to take it any further - her message was a long time ago, she would be almost 60 now.

It's strange - two hours ago she wouldn't have crossed my mind but now I feel guilty.

OP posts:
FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:55

Don't feel guilty. Really - don't.

And, take your time to decide what to do - if anything.

(Sorry, coincidentally, I'd actually spent the best part of today thinking about my potential siblings - so I guess you just caught me, or rather, I caught your thread at a time when I'm feeling a bit vulnerable about it all!)

FruOla · 15/05/2013 18:59

Oh - and there is an Adoptions topic on MN www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions.

Although I think most of it relates to parents who are in the process of adopting, or have adopted children - rather than us adult adoptees.

Original poster
oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 19:00

Coincidence is a funny thing.

I definitely have some thinking to do. Have you ever tried to find out anything? I'm just wondering how hard it would be if I did take it further.

OP posts:
TheLakelandCatalogueIsMyPorn · 15/05/2013 19:10

Hi oops

I totally get the ?thump in the stomach? feeling - I found my birth mother a few years ago after stumbling across her on Genes Reunited! I messaged her and we swapped a few emails and then finally met up about 3 months later.

My advice from personal experience is to sleep on it for a few days and see how you feel, perhaps after the weekend.

Just remember, you are under no obligation whatsoever to make any contact ? it is entirely up to you.

I wish you all the best ? it?s a very strange feeling isn?t it?!!

By the way - we are still in contact, and on the periphery of each other's lives but both content to have found the "missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle" and to know that everything turned out ok!

TidyDancer · 15/05/2013 19:14

Wow, that must've been a massive shock.

I don't know that there's a wrong or right way to deal with something like this.

Do you have someone you can talk this through with?

FruOla · 15/05/2013 19:20

I PMd you oopslateagain.

girliefriend · 15/05/2013 19:22

Would you be able to talk it through with your adopted parents? Have you been curious about your birth mum before?

At least you know that your birth mum has been thinking about you and would be interested in making contact.

I think in this scenario you should perhaps make contact as can't think of a reason not to. However I am not adopted so obviously its very hyperthetical for me!

Original poster
oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 20:27

Lakeland I'm glad your contact worked out ok for you both.

My adopted parents don't really know much more than my birth mum's age and name. I've chatted with DH - he was just as Shock as I was.

I have put a reply on the original board, just asking if the OP is still seeking. I suspect the email given there won't still be valid anyway as it was so long ago.

It's all made me think a lot more about it all again. Part of me would like to fill in the gaps, part of me doesn't want to rock the boat. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
oopslateagain · 15/05/2013 20:46

I didn't realise there was an adoptions topic - I am going to ask MN to move this. Thanks everyone for your comments.

OP posts:
FrozenDough · 15/05/2013 20:58

My mum still has her first email address from years ago, so it cud still b in use op. Good luck with whatever u decide Smile

MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 15/05/2013 22:41

We've moved this to Adoptions now at the OP's request.

Best of luck oopslateagain in deciding what to do.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2013 22:44

oopslateagain no advice for you, just sending you my best wishes.

Ilikethebreeze · 15/05/2013 22:47

I agree with the suggestions of other posters.
A little thing I would say, though I hesitiate.
That occasionally, we have less time than we might think with these issues.
Your mum, though not old at 60, is also not so young as she was either.
Hope you dont mind me saying that.

Good luck with everything.

KristinaM · 16/05/2013 09:48

I met my birth mother when I was in my 30s.i found her.she wasn't keen to meet me and finally agreed. We had two short meetings and she didn't want to keep in touch.

It wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it. I have a lot of information which I didn't before.for me, knowing is easier than not knowing . I think it must be hard for you, as your big mother was so young,you must have speculated as to the circumstances surrounding your adoption.

You mention " rocking the boat" but it seems that your BM does want to contact you. Remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You might just want to send a letter of email through an intermediary to let her now you are alive, well and happy.you don't have to meet up etc .there are no rules . You can just take it one step at a time

KristinaM · 16/05/2013 09:49

Sorry I mean bio mother , not big mother

Blardy autocorrect

Original poster
oopslateagain · 16/05/2013 16:34

I'm still undecided. Has anyone used afteradoption.co.uk? I wondered about ringing them just to talk it all through, but it's not clear from their website what they charge for their services.

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