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Original poster

what do I tell a 3 yr old going for adoption?

73 replies

bonnieslilsister · 02/02/2012 21:27

He is very aware of his mum and dad and siblings. Looks forward to seeing them every week. I know I will be guided by sw's when it is about to happen but how do I tell this beautiful boy that his mummy and daddy who he loves and has a far better relationship with now than when he came to me at 18 months old are not going to see him again (til adulthood) and he will have a new Mummy and Daddy. How do we introduce the new parents ? as mum and dad straight away?? I want to do this in the best and least traumatic way for him. Can you tell me your experiences of your introductions to your child? Looking forward to hearing some.

OP posts:
Lilka · 02/02/2012 22:06

Hi Bonnie

The parents will make an introductions book with pictures and little captions, sometimes they get little books which can record voice as well, and also sometimes parents are told to create a short DVD for the child to watch of them. So you should have things to go through with him, so he is introduced to his new mum and dad before meeting them and he will know what they look like

You should call them his new mummy and daddy from the off, that's what he will call them given his age. Older children can be different (my DD1 calls me by my first name, and DD2 started off as 'mummy lilka' then dropped my first name later on). His introductions book will probably be captionned 'mummy' and 'daddy' under pictures of them.

My DS was only told about me a few days before he met me. Given his age, it would have been confusing to be told he had a new mummy, and then she didn't show up for days on end. A week is a year to a 2 year old! He was told he was getting a new mummy to look after him forever, and look here's her picture and her house, and so on. Obviously understanding very limited at that age.

The move will be traumatic of course, but with my DS he didn't grieve until he had been home a week or so, when he realised he wasn't going back again. He didn't really understand what was happening when intros were going on (he was 23 months old though so a bit younger).

The best way (IMHO only) is to encourage him to play with them as much as possible and interact with them. The first day with DS I went for an hour and a half, and I only talked to him and played with him. His FC's were great, they were in the room so he felt safe, but on the sofa slightly away from us. I did more and more after that - I came to do the bedtime routine several evenings and give him his bath. I took him out a few times to the park, and later introduced DD1 and DD2 and took him to visit home. We moved his things over day by day, so it wasn't hard packing all his stuff at the last minute and fitting it all in the car!

It can be very nervous at FC's house, because obviously I was there quite a lot at odd times of the day so I could put him to bed, and give him breakfast a couple of days. I felt like an intruder tbh! She said 'just us the loo whenever, treat it as home' but I had to ask every time, I just couldn't treat her house like home!

Hopefully you'll be able to meet his mum and dad beforehand. I had a lot of questions because the information I got was a bit lacking, and I wanted to keep his routines the same so not everything was changed at once

Hope that helps, ask any other questions you need to!

Original poster
bonnieslilsister · 03/02/2012 11:12

Thank you so much that was really helpful. I have moved babies on for adoption but not someone who understands what is happening. The book idea is lovely. Do you think it is reasonable to suggest the handover is slow and unhurried? I would be so happy for the mum and dad to come and go (or come and stay!) He has been so clingy and stressed in the past if he thought I was going to go out without him etc although he is handling that better now and goes to play group without me...a big thing for him and he is so proud of himself!! I know it is my problem but I can't handle the thought of him grieving...crying thinking about it! xx

OP posts:
Original poster
bonnieslilsister · 03/02/2012 12:46

The secret I am sure is to look long term rather than short term.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 03/02/2012 14:39

I know you are the Fc and not the SW but this plan is madness!!! No child who is having weekly contcat should be placed for adoption and the contact stopped abruptly. If the plan was premanence for this child then contcat with BF should have been tapered off gradually over months. Is the plan tnat the afoptive parenst will continue face to face contcat with birth family??? And of course with Fcs?

How do they expect this little boy to lose his birth family AND foster family at the same time AND attach to his afoptive parenst??

This is a really REALLY bad plan. If i were you i woudl be rasing this isssue asap with your own support worker, who needs to address this as a matter of urgency. No FC shoudl be put in this position, let alone a 3 year old child.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 03/02/2012 14:55

I hate to be a doomsayer but I dont think you are going to have much say in what happens. Sad

I sincerely hope that the plan is for a long and unhurried introductory period and I think you are absolutly right to suggest it.

Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do if SS are determined to do this quickly.

I really hop the SW is sensible and experienced enough to do this the right way.

Best of luck to you.

hifi · 03/02/2012 15:41

totally agree with kristina,surely contact with birth family should stop soon?

ranteetheranter · 03/02/2012 15:46

Weekly contact really? Have they matched him with someone?

ranteetheranter · 03/02/2012 15:48

Is it a voluntary adoption or forced? This set up screams of a long and protracted court case. And a very very unsettled child with attachment issues unless a completely open adoption is planned.

Lilka · 03/02/2012 20:18

How close are you to adoption now? Have they told you they are planning for adoption, or have they taken it to the panel, or have they actually just recieved a placement order, or have they found parents?

Really if they are about to get a placement order they need to be reducing the contact to once a month or thereabouts. DS saw his first mum about that often (voluntary adoption basically) in the last year he was in FC.

If he's about to meet his new parents, they really have left it very late groans. On the other hand, if they only just got an order and mother and father are planning an appeal they might not hae got round to it yet

Anyway, with young children, usually adoption isn't mentionned at all until the very final stages. So you don't need to be talking to LO yet unless he is about to meet his new parents

Original poster
bonnieslilsister · 03/02/2012 21:45

Hi everyone and thanks for all your replies. I just wrote a long answer to you all and then decided there was too much identifiable information and it is difficult to explain without it.

In short we are due to go to permenance panel in a couple of weeks. It was the recommendation at the last review that he be adopted. No new parents have been identified yet. Parents have been advised to speak to lawyer but haven't yet and I think they are perhaps not up to fighting although they are very against the adoption. He is very fond of his birth parents and chats about them a lot. It will be hard for him when the contact dwindles. It broke my heart when Kristina said How do they expect this little boy to lose his birth family AND foster family at the same time AND attach to his afoptive parenst??

OP posts:
MissFenella · 03/02/2012 22:17

I presume he is being fostered for a reason?

bonnieslilsister · 03/02/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissFenella · 03/02/2012 22:42

I didn't ask for the reason he's not with birth parents and being frank, I think it is really unprofessional of you to discuss his circumstances over the net. Not sure SS would like it either as I know they will have told you during your assessment.

There is a reason he is a looked after child and I am not sure what you are attempting to achieve here with this thread.

If you are having issues as a foster carer I would have though SWs not Mumsnet would be the right place to take those issues.

LittleCatZ · 03/02/2012 23:11

Erm... you asked why he was fostered and then chose to ambush OP - harsh! IMO OP obviously cares for her charge's emotional well being and is looking for any insight to help him, also has given thought to not revealing too much. Perhaps OP has found the various parties who make the decisions (courts/SS/etc) don't know this poor boy as well as someone who lives with him.

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 07:11

No, I didn't.

timetoask · 04/02/2012 07:27

If the siblings are still living with the birth parents then I don't understand why this boy can't go back.
It seems to me that if this boy is so fond of his birth parents, not seeing them again will cause him huge trauma. How sad.

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 07:34

We know none of the details of this case.

If the op really is conflicted about decisions being made then those concerns need to be raised with the official bodies involved. We can do nothing and they can .

Awayinamangercooper · 04/02/2012 07:50

We could listen and act as a sounding board and be supportive - like MNetters normally do? Hmm

Original poster
bonnieslilsister · 04/02/2012 09:23

My reason for writing was to ask people's experiences adopting a child of this age who knows his parents already. Sorry I did answer missfenella without thinking and have asked for the message to be withdrawn.

OP posts:
Greythorne · 04/02/2012 09:28

MissFenella
That was a trap and you know it.
Don't be sanctimonious.

The OP has given no details which could lead to identification so chill out.

Awayinamangercooper · 04/02/2012 10:23

Agreed. If there are questions that you strongly feel must not be answered, try not asking them.

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 11:11

I'll try not being responsible for people answering questions I haven't asked. That seems more sensible to me.

Be nice if disagreements didn't slide to personal insults too. Wink

Greythorne · 04/02/2012 11:16

MissFenella

If you had written, "I presume he is being fostered for a reeason, but we don't need to know it." and then the OP went ahead and posted the reasons, you would be right.

But you wrote "I presume he is being fostered for a reason?" Nite the question mark! That, frankly, is a question.

And beyond all of this, do you think children are fostered for no reason, just because fosterr oarents enjoy the company? Because SW love removing kids from healthy, loving families? Of course he has been fostered for a reason!!!!!

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 11:21

To which the answer is 'yes'. The question I didn't ask was why was he fostered.

Im sorry you seem incapable of grasping that.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/02/2012 11:31

I am usually the first to get Hmm if people start posting identifying information about LAC.

All I can see from the OP is someone asking for advice and experience.

I think its sad that a FC needs to come to MN for that advice but I am not particularly suprised.

As I said before the FC can raise concerns - doesnt mean it will make any difference to the plan.

Surely getting the insight of adoptive parents is a good idea? On many adoptive boards there is a distinct them and us feeling between the two groups.

I think the more interaction the better.