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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

what do I tell a 3 yr old going for adoption?

73 replies

bonnieslilsister · 02/02/2012 21:27

He is very aware of his mum and dad and siblings. Looks forward to seeing them every week. I know I will be guided by sw's when it is about to happen but how do I tell this beautiful boy that his mummy and daddy who he loves and has a far better relationship with now than when he came to me at 18 months old are not going to see him again (til adulthood) and he will have a new Mummy and Daddy. How do we introduce the new parents ? as mum and dad straight away?? I want to do this in the best and least traumatic way for him. Can you tell me your experiences of your introductions to your child? Looking forward to hearing some.

OP posts:

Fayrazzled · 04/02/2012 11:47

Miss Fenella, I think you're being a bit rude. The Op shouldn't have provided information about her FC but it was understandable she did it without thinking given your question. Of course, the child has been fostered for a reason. Haven't they all? The OP is looking for some support and insight- SS is stretched and it's not always possible to get it from them. I think you're being a bit mean and it's unhelpful for the OP for the thread to derail like this.

ChooChooWowWow · 04/02/2012 13:59

op last time we did an adoption for a older child we bought a new book. The day before the new parents were due we told him he had a new very special book just for him to share with his new mummy and daddy. He was so excited that when they arrived he just about leapt on them, he was so keen to read his book with them. It was just a small thing but it helped him focus on something else, and also involved them as soon as they arrived.

MissFenalla you really are being mean. The op clearly has the childs best interests at heart.

Greythorne · 04/02/2012 14:53

MissFenella
Have you come across children fostered for no reason?

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 17:03

If you are a foster cater and need advice on handling a specific situation with your charge I'm just not sure mumsnet should be you port of call.

I am bemused as to how that view makes me all the things I have been called here, but I promise to not let it affect my life.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/02/2012 17:26

I would imagine that mumsnet is not the OPs only port of call.
Perhaps it is one of a few options she is exploring?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/02/2012 17:26

Though if I were her I would be unlikely to try this one again.

Original poster

bonnieslilsister · 04/02/2012 17:33

MrsD everyone else has been really kind, don't worry, I would ask again.

MissF can you be more specific about what I shouldn't ask all these people with experience on adoption?

OP posts:

working9while5 · 04/02/2012 17:36

MissFenella, you sound like someone who has an issue with FCs, to be honest. The OP's question is quite generic.

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 17:44

I feel you are worried about the child coping with the loss of his family because he is very attached to them. That sort of concern is something you should tell your sw, for his sake.

I'm not clear how the shared experiences of others will really help you because, those experiences will be different to this situation.

I presume your carer training talked about the process of matching for adoption? As FC you should have input hence my desire to see you talking to your sw.

Hope that makes sense.

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 17:46

No, no 'issues' with FC but thanks for the keyboard diagnosis.

malakadoush · 04/02/2012 17:48

I presume he is being fostered for a reason?

What answer did you expect?? As others have said he wouldn't be being fostered for no reason.

What is your angle? Leave the op alone.

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 17:53

My angle is to offer my point of view to the op.

What's yours?

lunaticow · 04/02/2012 17:54

Miss Fenella, as Greythorne has said, of course he has been fostered for a reason. Don't accuse OP of being unprofessional. She appears to be very concerned for the child.

Lilka · 04/02/2012 17:55

ChooChoo -What a lovely idea :)

DD1 hid under a table when I came into the house bless her. Wouldn't come out for about 45 minutes, and only then to grab some food, then she stood near me and refused to look at me! Yet on the second day she came scampering down to meet me and suddenly wanted to chat and go out to the park

MissFenella · 04/02/2012 17:56

I really don't get where you are going with this or how your posts help the op.

Maryz · 04/02/2012 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bonnieslilsister · 04/02/2012 20:01

All you have done MissF is make me feel bad for asking a question.

I like reading everyones experiences....if you don't 'get' that, I don't care.

I didn't come on to say I'm worried he is so attached to his parents, I came on to ask about people's experiences taking on a child who already has a family bond.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 04/02/2012 20:57

I don't normally come into this section as I have no experience in this area but just wanted to say OP what a hard situation and of course it is reasonable to seek support and advice from any source you feel is right - and I am sure that as with other sections of MN the people here are generally experienced and kind so I hope you aren't scared off

I don't really understand why a child would be adopted under these circs - weekly contact with family, family don't want it, siblings with family, etc. But assume there must be a good reason.

I don't even know anything about this and I feel that is a really poor response to your situation and the situation for this child.

I hope that you get some reassurance from SW as to what/why/how, and support from MNers on here who have experience of adopting in this situation.

I wish you all the best x

lunaticow · 04/02/2012 21:02

Obviously, I do not know the full circumstances of the case but on the face of it this child's situation seems horrendous. Being split from his siblings and parents so dramatically cannot be in his best interests. Surely? I can't offer you any advice but we all know that SWs get it disastrously wrong sometimes. Sorry.

I hope this child gets the happy life he deserves.

danebury · 05/02/2012 09:03

Stumbled across this as my bil and sil are very close to adopting. When I met their SW at Christmas she talked a LOT about how difficult it is for the foster carers - because they are amazing and will have given so much love to that child - and she also talked about how the SWs mediate that.

So what I have to say to the OP is - be guided by the SWs. You can't (and obviously shouldn't!) tell us enough abough this little lad to allow us to offer you anything except a virtual hug. And as Miss F said - he's in FC for a reason. Yes, he loves his siblings and biological parents - but he's in foster care. Who knows what went in - and we shouldn't, just shouldn't be encouraged to speculate or judge.

I hope it goes well for you, and I'm really glad people like you are out there doing such an amazing job xx

LittleCatZ · 05/02/2012 10:13

Also want to say you're amazing OP, I've a FC friend and so glad there are people prepared to do this. I'm trying to hard to be a professional parent and as part of this I find it helpful to share and talk things over with other parents. Some lovely ideas here that might be helpful - which I'm sure you'll consider and dscuss with the relevant SS/SW etc - and I hope all works out for the little lad.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/02/2012 10:27

I hope it all works out well for the wee boy. It does all seem wrong, but there's time yet, so who knows how it will go.

I would love to be able to foster children, but I know I just don't have what it takes - there's just no way I could hand them back :(

Maryz · 05/02/2012 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greythorne · 05/02/2012 10:49

Well said, Maryz

I do think people are sometimes naive about the reasons families havr their children remived to foster care. Luckily, for most of us, a family situation where fostering is necessary is a total unknown quantity. For a child to be renived, tgere will be serious mental health, drug or alcohol abuse, neglect....so whilst the birth family night want and seek contact, let's not inagine they are generally ok parents who have a problem tgat's easily resolved. They are likely to be entirely incompetent to care for chikdren, keep them safe, provide basic essentials.

Obe hour supervised contact might work for them, but left alone with their child, they would likely be completely out of their depth.

Nb I have no knowledge of the OPs situation but just trying to point out that even when a bith family loves their child, it can be horrendously insufficient.

Original poster

bonnieslilsister · 05/02/2012 12:49

Yes you are both right and loving the child is not enough sadly

OP posts:

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