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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

what do I tell a 3 yr old going for adoption?

73 replies

bonnieslilsister · 02/02/2012 21:27

He is very aware of his mum and dad and siblings. Looks forward to seeing them every week. I know I will be guided by sw's when it is about to happen but how do I tell this beautiful boy that his mummy and daddy who he loves and has a far better relationship with now than when he came to me at 18 months old are not going to see him again (til adulthood) and he will have a new Mummy and Daddy. How do we introduce the new parents ? as mum and dad straight away?? I want to do this in the best and least traumatic way for him. Can you tell me your experiences of your introductions to your child? Looking forward to hearing some.

OP posts:

Moomoomie · 05/02/2012 17:54

Bonnie... I am choosing to ignore the bun fight around us, and will try and answer your question.
My eldest dd was only 2 when we adopted her, so similar age. The best advice I could give is, when you have the photo book from the new parents, talk to him about them a lot. Use the names new mummy and new daddy, that is what we were. The FC used to sing " see saw, Margery daw. (her name) shall have a new mummy"
Also during the introductions try to be as removed as you can and allow the new parents to do as much as little one will allow.
Dd1 FC was too hands on, and I found it very difficult. Every thing I did she told me was wrong. In hindsight I know she was finding the move very difficult, and took it out on me.
The intros were the best of days and the worst of days.
We have since adopted again and the second FC were fantastic and really stood back and allowed us to be mum and dad.

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2012 20:13

Actually, she's Bonnie's younger sister, not Bonnie!

Moomoomie · 05/02/2012 21:03

What the fuck does it matter what her name is. I was answering the op.
And for your information , my name is not Moomoomie.
I never swear, but your stupid comment has made me.

Original poster

bonnieslilsister · 05/02/2012 21:32

Thanks for that moomoomie I will certainly bear that in mind. Anything that makes it easier for him will make it easier for them too I guess. X

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2012 21:45

Wind your neck back in, Moo. It's an in joke with my sister and me and actually I wasn't referring to you, but to a poster above.

You have a really bad attitude, did you know that?

Original poster

bonnieslilsister · 05/02/2012 21:48

You see imperial is the original bonnie and I am her lil sister! X

OP posts:

Moomoomie · 06/02/2012 08:24

No, I don't have a bad attitude at all. How are we all supposed to know about " in jokes"
I gave the op some good advice, which she asked for, referring to her as Bonnie. Then you come along and say that.
The adoption threads are usually a nice supporting group.
And where was your useful advice? Nowhere.

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2012 19:55

I've spoken to my sister about it many times, don't you think? It would be strange if I spoke to her about it via MN.

You did give her some good advice. I said in a joking way that she wasn't actually Bonnie, she was her little sister. You responded by swearing at me.

Kewcumber · 06/02/2012 20:23

"I've spoken to my sister about it many times, don't you think? It would be strange if I spoke to her about it via MN."

Sorry I feel like I've wandered into the twilight zone. Have been following the thread but Imperial - non-one here knows that you are bonnies sister as far as we know/knew you were a random mumsnetter so your remark looked odd in the extreme. I would'nt personally have sworn about it but I certainly did wonder what on earth you were posting such an irrelevant comment for.

An odd thread for the airing of an in-joke but Moo not worth getting angry about. You have given some good advice, sometimes its hard to remember that the adoption threads are not as personal and cosy as we all think and in fact anyone can wander on and say anything they like - they just don't normally tend to!

Moomoomie · 06/02/2012 20:34

Thank you Kew. I have never sworn on mumsnet, and rarely do in real life.
I suppose I saw red as the thread had turned into a fight which I have never experienced on the adoption threads before.
If this was in AIBU it would be different.

Kewcumber · 06/02/2012 20:40

oh surely you were around for the Melvin threads? NO? Man, I lost it completely!

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2012 20:47

Hang on a minute.

She calls herself 'bonnieslilsister'. People were calling her 'Bonnie'. I said she wasn't Bonnie, she was her little sister.

I was not an instigator of a fight. My comment was trying to lighten the tone because of the fight. I hadn't seen Moo's comment when I first posted.

Lilka · 06/02/2012 20:55

Kew, how will I ever forget the Melvin threads...I'm glad you decided to come back :) When you said you were going to leave because of it I was really upset!

Moomoomie · 06/02/2012 21:35

No, was not around for the Melvin threads. Will need to look in the archives!
So glad you didn't leave Kew. I enjoy reading your eloquent posts.

Awayinamangercooper · 06/02/2012 21:59

Imperial I thought it was funny. Don't see how it was offensive.

Maryz · 06/02/2012 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 06/02/2012 23:27

no Maryz, they weren't deleted - I think we petitioned for it but I think MN towers view was that making inflammatory statements wasn't the same as being personally offensive www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1169956-Reasons-why-children-become-available-for-adoption

In retrospect reading it in a calmer frame of mind I don;t really mind.

Imperial - I have tried to explain to you how odd I thought your post was as an uninvolved bystander but you can choose to keep the issue alive. Anyway Awayinamangercooper (dare not shorten anyones name now) found it funny so perhaps its me and moo who are misguided.

Greythorne · 07/02/2012 09:05

Imperial
Are you new to MN?

People on MN choose odd / random / provocative nicknames as oer their wont.

When responding to them, MNers choose to shorten or abbreviate them as they see fit.

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2012 20:08

No, I've been here a couple of years, Greythorne and have been online for a long time, so I know that nicknames and abbreviated names are common.

Awayinamangercooper · 08/02/2012 06:27

It seems to me like a joke but to Moo it probably seemed a bit snappy. We have to give each other the benefit of the doubt sometimes, misunderstandings happen.

himynameisfred · 21/02/2012 21:15

Maryz, that's the exact same logic the Judge explains in my case, when he adopted my child out against my will.
He said it would be much worse for my child to come back to me and then a few years down the road me have another crisis where I felt I couldn't cope, and for him to have to be adopted at an older age would be much worse for him. That's why he ruled against reuniting us.
Even when the child gaurdian recommeneded reuniting us with support.

It's too much hassle to try supportiong a birth parent it seems.
The social services decide that, and the judges just go with it, because we know adoptive parents won't have problems, they've been vetted and are perfect. But birth parents with some social issues, well that would take a lot of resources to help them wouldn't it.

These judges make massively drastic decisions without really knowing the parents at all.

It's quite a gamble they take, when they're playing gods in peoples' lives.

Kewcumber · 22/02/2012 13:40

"because we know adoptive parents won't have problems, they've been vetted and are perfect" - why do you think this? Or assuming you're being sarcastic, why do you think that we think this? I can assure you social services (and the judge) didn't think for one second I was perfect.

I agree there should be more support for birth parents really trying to make a go of it and ideally we should be able to find more money to support them in that task.

CHT · 12/03/2012 14:14

Know this is an old thread now, but in case still relevant...

When we started introductions with our DD she was only 15 months old. Her contact with her birth mother and sister had been wound down, but was still weekly. She had her farewell visit with her birth mother on the Fri, with her birth father on the Mon, and she met us on the Tues... How she coped so well, I will never understand, but she did. We were mummy and daddy right from the start, and she couldn't have settled in any better. Our introductions lasted 10 days, in case that helps in your discussions with SW.

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