The Very Beginning

[djinnie]

Hi everyone.

After five years my hubby and I have decided to try to adopt. We are right at the very beginning of the process. I have just sent the slip back requesting a first visit (after two phone calls and a lot of reading). I know we have some way to go. (Understatement).

I have been told there is currently a 3 month waiting list in our LA area for the assessment process.

I was just wondering how people found the first few meetings. Was your SW really supportive. Did anyone have any issues that they feared would make them less attractive to SS?

Any advice or comments you can give would be really welcome.

I already feel like this is with me day and night - always at the forefront of my mind. And I'm already frightened of being rrejected. This is my last chance to be a Mum.

Many thanks

No advice really as I adopted my dd after fostering her for two years. So my situation was slightly differant to the normal process, although we did go through exactly the same assessment as other adoptors just with the child already in place.

It's very intense and they dig deep into your background. If there is anything you think might go against you it's best to be up front about it. The Sws are usually very supportive.

Just really wanted to say good luck you are doing a brilliant thing.

Join Adoption UK and meet with other local adoptive families and prospective adopters. nothing beats hearing it from the horses mouth

Don't tell anyone at this stage, especially your family. or you will go mad as they ask you every time they see you for the next three years " any news yet?"

my other advice is impossible to follow i expect - to try and NOT have it at the forefront of your mind. It will take you years to have a child placed and you need to get on with your lives in the meantime.

Hi djinnie agree with KM, it will drive you crazy,you have to just try and go with the flow.
when we started we wanted a baby yesterday. i sent all the forms and was told we had to wait 6 months to be put forward for the prep groups.then it was 6 months of prep, then a year for the home study, only a couple of months though until we were matched but we are the type of couple where there are lots of babies available to us.
there isnt a lot you can do to spped up the process either.adoption was a last resort for us, it had to be or we wouldnt have stayed the course.
get a much childcare expierience as poss, baby sitting,looking after nieces/nephews, it will all go in your favour if you get to the home study stage.
also think about what age group of child you want, perfect white babies are few and far between.

Hi I have two adopted DCs , both adopted at 10 months old. ( now 5 and 2)

We found the process fine if a bit frustrating at times. After applying in the March we had an initial assessment in April and were lucky to be invited to attend pre adoption workshops in the June.

It was December before we were allocated our ( brilliant)SW and February before she started our home study ( form f).

We were approved as adopters at the end of May ( just over a year after we started the process) and were matched with our DS within weeks ( we were very very lucky!)

We brought him home in September and legally adopted him in December.

Hope that gives you a rough idea of how it all works but bear in mind that our timescales were very fast compared to the other adopters in our workshop group.

Having been through the ups and downs of IVF we found the adoption process far less stressful and felt more in control.

Your SW will possibly challenge you and you may feel at times that they are trying to put you off the whole idea!

My advice is first and foremost to be true to yourselves. Decide what age and how many children you think you can cope with and have a good think about the types of issues these children can have - eg drug dependant ( we said yes) , foetal alacohol syndrome ( we said no).The level and type of contact with Birth family is another consideration.

These are some of the tough decisions you will be making but you will be given lots on info to help you make them - and the SW will not judge you for saying no to things you feel you should be saying yes to.

Finally be patient ( very!) and as Kristina say's try not to let it take over your lives - it will help the sometimes frustrating procedure go a little more quickly if you try to focus on other things.

Adoption is wonderful - well it was for me and my family anyway. Good Luck!

djinnie

I am at the final hurdle to adopting my darling little boy. We have a court date next month...

I wanted to say, have u gone to other Local authorities and not just the one closest to you. Our local authority would not even consider us as the children they place would be local children. We had to go out of borough.
Have u considered calling other local authorities. Go to any of the onformation evenings that are on other. We went to five different ones before choosing the LA we felt could assist us.

The process is a long one. Ours lasted just over a year.........
Once u choose a LA you wait for them to do the home visit. They checked our home at this stage. They had a good nose around. These visits last for about an hour and the conversation was quite informal. They try to get to know u a bit and find out who the driver is.
Once this is done u will get an invite to the introduction course. Ours lasted 4 days. There will be several other couples there. You spend this time learning about adoption and what it means. You are being assessed during this time.

Several weeks after the course u get a phone call and written confirmation as to whether or not u passed.
Once this is done the actuall process starts. You will have a social worker allocated to u who will visit your home every other week for about 2 hours.
These sessions seem long but time goes by really quickly. The social worker will want to know everything about you, partner,family social life, friends. You will start with your life story and family tree. It sounds daunting but, I found that it just flowed nicely. All they ask is that u are open and honest throughout. Remember they will want three or more referees. You will never know what these referees twll the social worker as it is totally confidential.

People do get rejected....
Normally it's because not both candidates are fully commited or their are issues with CRB results, criminal record entailing violence or offences against children. Road traffic violations are not an issue.

OK..........Enough from me...

if u want anymore info JUST ASK..........

Good Luck

Hey :)

I have adopted 3 times, a 10 year old (now mid twenties), an 8 year old (now a stroppy teenager!) and a nearly 2 year old (now 6)

Think the process was a little different in the mid 90's than now..but the rollercoater of emotions doesn't change!! I remember having supportive SW's who approved me both times (third adoption was bio sibling so didn't get reaproved again)

I didn't find the homestudies that difficult. They dug in a bit but I felt supported and it helped me make the big decisions re. age, needs I could cope with etc

It is the hardest thing i've ever done but also the best! I agree with KM - the amount of questions drives you insane!

Good Luck :)

Lilka xx

Hi OP. I have recently adopted a baby girl. We started the process early in 2008, had our prep course in the autumn of that year, started home study early 2009, approved autumn 2009, matched summer 2010, dd came to us last August, still waiting for it to be fully legalised.

I found the process quite comfortable, and not as intrusive as I'd feared, but that was probably because we had a lovely sw who was absolutely on our side and has always been a great advocate for us. We had a number of factors going against us: our age, being gay, having a child already, some health issues. We had some things going for us: being a dual heritage family, having a child already (yes, it cut both ways), both working part-time.

The thing that probably helped me get through the process was, put bluntly, that I wasn't desperate. I was a parent already, and I knew that our ethnic mix meant we were likely to be successful. The process was nowhere near as protracted and traumatic as the six years it took me to get my first child. I am very, very sympathetic to how stressful this is going to be for you. My main bit of advice is to make sure you get a social worker who will be on your side. Remember you don't have to go with your local authority (we didn't; we went to another local authority that has a demographic mix that we thought would be most likely to come up with a child for us, and that was friendly and efficient at first contact).

I think the adoptionuk website is a great resource, but be prepared for it to be quite harrowing reading. It seems to be most heavily used by adopters who are parenting very demanding children. I think you do need to know what the reality of adoption can be and is for many people - it is not the same as biological parenting. But be reassured that there are many of us who have come through the system and are thrilled with the families we now have. My dd is the most beautiful, loving, charming child you could ever hope to meet [boastful emoticon] and I wish you similar luck and joy with your journey.

Wow. You guys are the best. Thanks so much for all the information. Some brilliant food for thought there. I will cogitate on it all.

I think I am naturally impatient - and have quite a go getting can do dynamic personality - so the pace at which these things go is already driving me slightly nuts.

I'm a 44 year old working professional with four grown up step children. DH had his vasectomy reversed 5 years ago but it was unsuccessful. We have decided againste IVF but I so want to be a 'proper' Mum (my stepkids call me djinnie and have their own Mum) if you see what I'm driving at...

Thanks again for the benefit of your experience. I'll be a regular reader on the adoption boards xx

are you really wanting a baby or toddler? because if so you will need to reconsider IVF. unless you are a black or mixed heritage family or you can parent a child with serious special needs, you wont get to adopt a young child because of your ages.

every agency has its own policy, but its not uncommon to have problems finding an agency to even assess a white couple in their late 40s who want a NT pre school child, as they already have many waiting families like this.

I guess you also know that you cant run the two processes concurrently - ie adopting and assisted conception? They will seek confirmation from your GP ( in your medical) that you have completed infertility treatment ( if relevant)

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this. sometimes people go for adoption because they believe its easier / quicker / less intrusive than infertility treatment, or that they are " guaranteed" a baby at the end. Then when they discover the truth, its too late for them to explore all the alternatives

oh i forgot to say, they will want at least one of you to work part time ( after your adoption leave). Unless you are black.

No I want a slightly older child. 4-7 would be cool with me, perhaps older. We know about the age threshold.

We are also open to a sibling group.

We haven't taken the decision to adopt lightly Kristina. I'm new to the process and to contacting SS but we have been reading and talking about it for a while now.

I have ummed and ahhed a lot over IVF but I have some medical issues that would cause problems with IVF and make it unlikely to succeed. We're not eligible for IVF on the NHS because DH has kids already.

I've cried my tears.

of course they do maryz, its just supply and demand.

there are too many black and mixed heritage children waiting for families. as ethnic matching is the most important criteria to SS ( or at least their crude version of it) , they cant afford to place so many conditions on the black families that DO come forward

its madness isnt it? i say this as a member of a mixed heritage family BTW

it was the same in the 1950 and 60s with white families. they were so desperate to place all these babies, they hardly did any checks at all. inspected your marriage certificate and your linen cupboard and asked if you wanted a boy or girl

now they get to specify your age, weight, relationship status, working arrangemets, childcare, contraception, child rearing philosophy, religious views, diet, pets, smoking habits etc etc

djinne, that's great that you can consider an older child, especially a sibling group. so you then need to think about what types of special needs you could or could not consider and also about your work. what can you afford to do?

if you are going part time, what about childcare? lots of children who have been in the system will struggle with school and also childcare

what are your local schools like on inclusion? do you have suitable schools nearby

i dont mean that you should answer me BTW, i just mean that you and your Dh need to think these through. not today but during the process

i also dont mean that you are going into it lightly, no one does. The journey to adoption is filled with loss for EVERYONE concerned. Children and their birth and adoptive families

its just some people think its like a waiting list system, if you wait long enough your name will come to the top of the list. and of course its not, you can get approved and then never get a child placed. as long as you know that, then that fine. information is power

It is a very thorough process isn't it?! From this angle I don't mind the scrutiny because I'm quite open (ask me again as/when/if we progress).

I understand why the process is so long and thorough...

But I do feel irked that you have to be so much more than human, so much more than an ordinary man or woman who simply came together and made a baby.

Darn all that contraception in my 20s and 30s!

I also think it's great you could adopt an older child. Having adopted a 10 year old and an 8 year old - they have so much going for them. But by the time they get to ten, often they are pretty aware that most people don't want them, which is prett damn crushing to a childs mind. And some of the LA's stop considering adoption for all children over a certain age, because they are sure they won't be able to place them It's got its own unique challenges for sure, but it was the right path for me

Agree with KM - start thinking about special needs.

My advice is if starting to think about things like special needs you are willing to take on - go away and think about it seperatly, then come together and compare what you think. I say that because I know a couple who adopted a special needs child - both had agreed to this need, but one had been going along with what the other wanted, and didn't cope later on when it became a reality. I think its important to think seperatly about things, come to your own decision, and only agree to something both are individually comfortable with -if that makes sense. This includes emotional needs. Both my girls have complex PTSD and attachment issues (although pretty much all older children have attachment issues), one has quite alot of delays

They all say in the ads -you don't have to be a superwoman to adopt! But when it comes into the assessments and then especially matching process you feel you have to be, and when everyone is scrutinising your every lifestyle choice, and circumstance etc, you feel so inadequate! Just remember - you aren't! You got thiss far, that'a very very long way from inadequate. I got turned down a couple of times for very little reasons. I supect if you're a close call to the other PAP's being interviewed for a child, they go with the people they like the best, then come up with a reason to turn the other down afterwards!

ps - re. placing black children. I think some SW's and LA's make the ethnic matching so close they can't be picky about anything else!! Having to be the same ethnic mix as the child is - well it's not possible sometimes, but they hold out for it long past the point of unbelievable-ness, to the detriment of the child. If they do find someone the same mix, well in all likelihood no one else is going to come along so....

I thought I'd just chip in with a couple of thoughts - things I wish I'd known at the start of the adoption process.

1. You do need to feel comfortable with the SW you are allocated. You have to see them a lot and tell them some really personal stuff at times. So if (and its unlikely but worth saying) you do not feel able to do this with your SW you can ask to be reallocated.

1. There will be loads of times when you think "why do we have to do that, people having a child naturally wouldn't" and the only answer is - you just do. SS provide lots of hoops and you just have to bite your tongue and jump through them!

1. You are in a competitive situation. Not necessarily with other people you meet on prep courses etc who may want different age/ethinic group of child, but with the wider pool of potential adopters. So do think about how you can present yourselves as good potential adopters. I do not mean lie (not under any circumstances as you will probably get found out anyway), but if for example in discussions with your SW lead you to think you stand more of a chance of getting the child/ren you want if you stopped work for instance then just think it through very carefully.

Good luck and do not be put off by how hard the SWs make it sound to start with, they do seem to like to give you all the worst case scenarios to see if that puts anyone off!

Hello - I'm at the 'considering' stage and just wanted to share my concepts and concerns

My partner lives in rented groundflat and I live with parents so at the moment don't have place to offer. I wanted to live in a shared community place but doubt members there would want the intrusion of visiting sws so if we really want to adopt, it looks like having to get a place together for at least 2 years...

Whatever I do, it affects my life. I'm 37 he's 54. If we didn't apply soon, I think he'd be rejected agewise. I'm concerned about being rejected cos his dad and siblings are abroad and I'm an only child. Also cos I've had episodes of depression.

We went to an info session and it sounds like 2 years of jumping through hoops before even getting to meet the child in person, and then of course having to deal with whatever that child may express...

I don't know if I'm up for this, but I also don't know how I'd feel later in life if I didn't try!

Hello again - just read Kristina's post re age going against you if you want to adopt a baby or toddler.

I think it must depend on the LA policy and the health of the prospective adopter.

We were told at the information evening that if we wanted to adopt a healthy , white baby then we will be disappointed. But we went on to adopt two.

I worried that I was too old at 38 but my SW told me I was very much at the younger end of the age scale for adopting a young child.

One of my adoption workshop friends was 46 when she adopted her first ( 20 months old ) and has just adopted a 18 month old 3 years later. She and her DH are both white British.

She is a very healthy , fit and energetic person and I think this helped.

She did come up against some barriers , she would not say it was easy but she now has her family.

Your age won't necessarily mean that you won't be able to adopt a baby or toddler. I was 46 when my second child was placed - at 12 months, and 47 when my 3rd was placed, also at 12 months. Close together and unusual but circumstances meant that's how it happened.

Be aware that they will want to speak to your step children to see how they feel about adoption and, more than likely any ex-partners.

If you're planning on adopting an older child then you really do need to do a fair bit of research beforehand. Any child placed for adoption will have suffered a trauma, even babies who are removed from bm will have suffered a huge loss. Behaviours can be more difficult in an older child as they will certainly bring a whole lot more 'baggage' with them but at least that is known. With a baby you just don't know what you're going to get! As we're finding out now.

There's a book you may like to reach - Real Parents, Real Children by Holly van Gulden. This book will explain what can happen when a child is placed at certain ages and what sort of reactions/behaviours you can anticipate. It may help you to decide more clearly on an age range.

They will go into your life story in great detail so be prepared for that. I've always found homestudies to be okay - we've had good social workers. The hardest part is the wait post approval for a match.

Adoption UK is an excellent source of advice and support and you will 'meet' other prospective adopters at the same stage as you. Yes, there are some harrowing stories but it's place where people can ask for and receive the support that they desperately need at times of trouble.

Good luck

Thnanks walesblackbird - I'll have a look at that book.

Thanks everyone for your contributions. It's really helpful. I don't expect it to be easy but I suppose I am quite scared aout how difficult it is and worried that I will be found wanting.

Lyrical, I'm not sure what SS will think of your situation. It's very unusual. I expect they would prefer you to be in a stable relationship in a stable home. On the phone to me last week the SW asked me if we were planning any alterations in the house and what the timescale would be. Well, I'd love a new kitchen but maybe when I win the lottery! Anyway that seemed to suggest to me that they are asking for a great deal of stability and I can understand that!

The timeframe between enquiring and having a child placed seems to vary a great deal between LAs doesn't it?

Just wanted to add djinnie that if you adopt a sibling group (we did when they were aged 4 + 2), I always tell people that ask it was a bit like having twins that walked, talked and brought a whole load of emotional baggage with them.

We thought we were well prepared as well!

I don't mean to put you off but a sibling group in one go is a huge challenge but for us has been an incredibly rewarding one and we would not change it for the world.

Good luck and I hope you take the plunge.