The Very Beginning

[djinnie]

Hi everyone.

After five years my hubby and I have decided to try to adopt. We are right at the very beginning of the process. I have just sent the slip back requesting a first visit (after two phone calls and a lot of reading). I know we have some way to go. (Understatement).

I have been told there is currently a 3 month waiting list in our LA area for the assessment process.

I was just wondering how people found the first few meetings. Was your SW really supportive. Did anyone have any issues that they feared would make them less attractive to SS?

Any advice or comments you can give would be really welcome.

I already feel like this is with me day and night - always at the forefront of my mind. And I'm already frightened of being rrejected. This is my last chance to be a Mum.

Many thanks

Thanks Daisy.

Did you find a sibling group a bit them against you? Just out of interest.

djinnie - As they were so young it didn't develop as such but we did have occasions when they would hold hands and run off from us (yes we did lose them in a big museum once, oh, and in the park a few times!), they did once get all their toys and threw them all over the lounge (and at me) as they were angry (they'd been with us about 3 months when that happened) - when I made them tidy them all away again they weren't happy, but they never did that again (DH was at work so I was by myself at the time)! We worked hard at giving them both individual time to bond with them, and we never stop them speaking about their birth family - they raise the topic and we answer as best we can - normally afterwards we look at photographs as well. They are now 10 + 8 and both get very jealous if they feel the other is getting more attention (which I think is "normal" sibling behaviour).
I felt that trying to give them individual attention was the way to their hearts really, and following it up with a "family" activity afterwards which brought everyone together. It only needed to be 10 minutes of individual and then a board game, jigsaw or something as a family...
Hope this helps, I know everyone's experience is different but this is what worked for us.

I think social services are looking for a very stable set-up, lyrical. We were repeatedly questioned about why we haven't had a civil partnership, despite us having been together for the best part of 20 years. The problem with a communal set-up is that they would have to assess everybody who would live with the child (they usually assess and CRB check everybody who will be spending unsupervised time with the child, even if they don't live there). You may have to think about what compromises you are prepared to make here.

A history of depression isn't necessarily a bar, but they will want to know that it is behind you, well managed, and not likely to recur. They will absolutely and without doubt want to explore this, and will want a doctor's report on it.

Incidentally, I adopted a 10 month old baby at 46 - but I do have a black partner (it gets a bit like adoption bingo, doesn't it).

SS have been in touch and we're having our first face to face meeting next week. I'm kind of excited and dreading it all at once! They want to look around the house and ask lots of general questions I guess.

I'd better start cleaning

I bet you'll be cleaning I swear, my house looked like Kim and Aggie had been through from top to bottom by the time my first meeting happened !

And congrats on getting onto this rollercoaster

Actually, thinking about this later, really I think the social worker was slightly 'wierded out' by the house. Think it was too clean! It's good to have some little messes of books etc lying around, as long as there isn't grime up the walls you'll be fine

Thanks RipVanLilka.

I'll start working on the grime on the walls this weekend then

My poor old Mum is coming this weekend - ostensibly for Mother's day but ... ahem ... she's the best cleaner I know!! LOL. Oh dear. Sorry Mum.

I wont go mad - maybe....

I guess if it's too clean they might think I couldn't have a child making a mess. But in any case, I have a teenage stepson, a DH in the middle of A level marking and two dogs...

What's that old joke Princess Anne made about thinking the world smells of fresh paint? I often think social workers know only two kinds of houses: those where everything is freshly (frantically) vacuumed just before their arrival, and those where no vacuuming has taken place for years...

Best of luck, djinnie!

We had our 1st visit in Nov 2008 but we didn't start the assessment process until March 2010 (long story but basically their admin was a bit slack and everything went at snails pace!) and we were approved in September 2010.

I found the first part of the assessment really draining. The visits were about 3 hours long and i couldn't string a sentence together when she'd left. Having said that, it did get easier and it was probably more down to my anxiety than the how the SW was. It was our last chance to be parents and i found it very emotional and i did find it very intrusive - even though i understood why they wanted to know every minute detail about us.
Once she had decided we were suitable the nature of the visits changed and became much more relaxed as the discussions we centred around what kinds of children we felt we cope with. We did a 3 day prep course and we went into depth about potential issues of children from different backgrounds so that we felt fully prepared.

Our SW is lovely so she helped the process although i have to say, i know a few couples who were not as lucky as us.

We have had our little one with us a week now and every single minute of the assessment was sooooooo worth it!!! We are in LOVE!

He is 18 months old and i am 40 later this year. In our LA we have to be 65 or less on their 18th birthday - but that may vary from LA to LA.

Good luck to you - i wish you all the best!!!

Haha Hester I am sure that is totally the case. I'm going to clean my patio doors this weekend!! Woe betide the dog who puts his paws on my clean glass in the next week!!

flossy - wow :-) Very happy for you and your LO.

I have been told there's a 3 month delay before the assessment starts but I hope it's a teensy bit quicker than yours!

What sort of intrusive questions do they ask?

This is making me laugh. I am still the master of the 'social worker clean'. This means I can do the whole house in an hour after recieving a phone call saying 'do you mind if we pop round in an hour?'

Cant entirely blame SWs. Its also the fault of nurses, OTs, physios etc.

I think most professionals in my borough think I live the life of Hyacinth Bucket (if only they knew).

I hope it goes well and dont forget to buy 'social worker biscuits'

OMG!!! I hadn't even thought of that.

We don't do biscuits!! What sort of biscuits do SW's like?? LMAO?

Hob nobs, chocolate ones.

Quick, run to the shops NOW!

I used to 'dress' the house. I would get out the DC's 'issue' books and artfully scatter them around. Ditto their ethnically diverse dolls and toys.

We had a visit once and I had been scrubbing the place like a loon. The SWs came and went and I saw them out.

I glanced down at the recycling box and was horrified to see it FULL of vodka and alchopop bottles.

There had been teenagers drinking on the green the night before. They were particularly tidy teenagers and had thoughtfully put all their empties in our box.

I was mortified. I had already told them I didnt drink much as I didnt get the chance to go out and didnt drink in the house!

guffaw

Ok. Note to self.

Hide DH's Times Wine Club boxes even though most of them are full of marking anyway...
Get out lovely old black rag doll
Buy fancy but not too fancy biscuits
Scatter interesting and educational reading material around house generally

Anything else?

Hi, I'm an adoptive mum to 2 children (placed separately at 8 months and 4 months). Strange to say but the social worker biscuits are important and 2 of our SW's commented on why they we pleased to be offered them. Apparently the way you welcome guests in your house is an indicator on how you would welcoming you would be to children in your home.

I offered my SW a sandwich once and she accepted - this fact was noted in my panel papers! Sheer madness (it was lunch time and I was hungry!).

My advice - be natural and honest with the SW about why you want to adopt and the type of child you want to adopt. You are adopting because you want to be a mum and parent a child and need to consider carefully the type of child you can see yourself nurturing. I knew that I wanted to raise my adopted children from as early age as possible. I needed to hold them as babies and fulfill that raw need in myself that was previously not met (I'd had 4 failed cycles of IVF). Some other AM's I met through the process wanted older children because the need for a baby was not so important, or they didn't want to care for a baby.

I would also educate yourself on the different reasons children come into care and are freed for adoption - all adopted children will be effected by their loss but some profoundly more than others.

I enjoyed our adoption process, it was enjoyable after 2 or 3 years of fertility treatment. I enjoyed telling friends & family that we were trying to adopt, I think they were relieved that they wouldn't have to tread on eggshells around me with their announcements of pregnancy / births etc.

My SW was the instant coffee type!

Lets not be forgetting the question of which room to do the interview in, and what to do if they don't seem to like the decor, and how much to smile?!? Plus, biscuits and/or cake are nice but what if SW is on a diet?? Or a vegan, and can't eat the cake/biscuits??

Actually, I have never known one sw who was on a diet. The job itself seems to be ideal for anyone wanting to lose 10 stone from stress in two weeks!

You HAVE scrubbed out the inside of your kitchen cupboards havent you?

They do check you know.

You know they go through your knicker drawer as well?

Good luck
I have a four year old adopted son. He was placed at 17 months (although because we were very young adopters at 25 and 31 during home study - questions were raised about our commitment to adoption rather than IVF, I think there are different hurdles for each age group!)
I am talking to prospective adopters at a prep group tomorrow - eeek!
You have had great advice on here, just relax and be honest and you will be ok.

I was asked why I didn;t have a stair gate fitted. Often wonder if I had a stair gate fitted three years prior to bringing a child home whether they would have questioned my sanity...

Ah yes Maryz - not using the loo! How do they do that?
The SW has probably the equivalent of 6 full wekks at our house and she has never used the loo. She must have a bladder the size of the titanic cos i can't ever go longer than an hour without needing a pee!