Something bothering me that I can't discuss with anyone irl *MNHQ CW for mention of suicide*

I’ve attempted it, I’ve told very very few people and immediately regretted 99% of telling those I have. Some immediately some after a while. He’s unlikely to have told you to burden you to make you feel responsible, or sad. It probably just slipped out.

do and say nothing unless he does. He may be feeling awkward about it and regretting it. Just show a little kindness to him and follow his lead.

I would say it depends who knows about this. If he’s told no one apart from his GP, I feel like I would want to tell his wife - at least then she can support him and watch out for him. Keeping a confidence is all very well, but if he’s serious about killing himself I wouldn’t feel bad about sharing the information with people who might be able to help him.

I work in Adult Mental Health and may I first say that to those posters who say ' it's none of your business ' how utterly unempathetic and unhelpful.

As other posters have acknowledged, it is a huge mental burden for the listener who is unqualified in mental health to bear.

I would approach him again and ask him directly how he is feeling to give him some MH contact numbers, he can get a MH referral from his GP and also self refer through agencies such as Talking Spaces.

Please look after yourself op, put on your own oxygen mask on first as they say.

It might be worth while to know that some people express suicidal ideation and ring in to Adult Mental health daily saying they are going to kill themselves but that this pattern of ringing in has been continuing for 15 years.

It can paralyse their nearest and dearest in fear.

We take all expressions of intent seriously.

Always refer on, that's a basic duty of care, to share knowledge when the person may put themselves or others at risk.

Good luck op and always ask what their protective factors are? Sometimes it's their children or their dog, so you can move the conversation on to asking questions about them instead.

It's a fine line being there for someone but not taking on the responsibility so please look online for resources to help.

Good luck.

How do you have this information, and who swore you to secrecy, and why did they say you should keep it secret?

See I would think there was a chance I was being manipulated through the sharing of this information and I’d be wary.

OP, if you’re “kind of an assistant to the boss of one of the many organisations he does some work for” why has he confided such sensitive personal information in you? In what context did he drop this into conversation?

You practice detachment. There’s nothing you can do, it’s not your journey so to speak, not
your responsibility and what will happen will happen regardless.
You can’t save people x

Sorry you're feeling shocked and helpless with this information. It's sounds like it's shocked you because he's shown he's potentially fragile when his public persona is admired and successful so not what you'd expect.

You have been given a secret you don't want. In my view secrets are uncomfortable and a can feel a burden unless about a surprise birthday party etc.

It's not very clear how it came up in conversation. Only you know the context of how he told you. Was he distressed? Did he say that he was getting support. You've mentioned he's in contact with his GP. Are you concerned for his welfare right now? Perhaps he is still quite vulnerable so over shared? Perhaps he is trying to break down the stigma of having mental health problems by talking more openly about his experiences. He may have told others he works with that you aren't aware of.

It's important as others have said to be clear you are not in anyway responsible for him or his actions.

IF you wanted to respond to his disclosure you could contact him and say were struck by what he told you and that you hope he's getting the support he needs and then share the number for the Samaritans for him to call in a crisis.

Any further concerns of immediate risk I'd share with HR around safe guarding.
Also speak to your HR if you have concerns about the relationship in any other way.

Thank you for this, I too have worked in adult mental health for a considerable time and was about to post something very similar. I have been taken aback by some of the callous and thoughtless comments on here.

Look up narcissistic personality disorder - does he seem like this at all? Narcissists can seem wonderful, particularly at their jobs as they are so confident in themselves. They can be very difficult to treat if they have suicidal thoughts which seems ironic but they do. It also seems so confusing to people around them as they appear to have everything.

Tell the wife what he told you. Has he actually told the doctor?

I would have to say that suicide doesn’t take away the pain - they are just passing it on to everyone else around them. However, not sure that would help practically. I would phone the Samaritans to get their advice. There’s also Papyrus if he's 35 or less.

Prettyvase (poster at 7.34) has some good advice.

This is so weird. Why would he confide in you about this? Something doesn't ring true here

This - it’s about empowering them. Very often when someone disclosed this they want support and help.

if you want to do a bit more - get a recommendation for a therapist local to him and pass on the details …..

not the same but when someone told me that they were struggling I said, my counsellor has really worked for me - would you like his details he works local etc

@Smineusername

He could be deriving ego gratification from precisely that power imbalance and your perception of it. Some people who are highly successful are so because they are good at playing games. I think he's a walking red flag tbh

What a truly horrible thing to say. This man has confided in her and told her something which is so personal and horrifying. Now you think he's getting an ego trip out of it?

OP I think all you can do is check in on him whenever you see him and ask him privately how he is.

Maybe he thought he could trust her? Maybe he was feeling desperate at the time? Why the hell shouldn't he tell her?

Slightly different scenario. I've worked in schools for years. If a child made that disclosure to me I'd have a legal responsibility to report it to the safeguarding team, no matter how much they asked me not to.

I have experience of suicide, and the 'I should have done something' from family members even though they were completely unaware of the intention. To have been burdened (and yes, it's a huge burden) with being told 'I have attempted suicide multiple times' I think you have been put in an awful position op, and it is having a huge impact on you.

In your position I would first consider who in your organisation is better placed to offer your colleague support. Do you have a manager/HR dept/safeguarding team/wellbeing team/whistle blowing process? Then I would schedule a meeting with your colleague and tell them that you are struggling with their disclosure and that you feel you need to share the information with someone who is better placed to support them. And then do so.

If your professional relationship breaks down then that is not on you - he has blurred the line between professional and personal and demanded that you keep a devastating personal secret that is having a huge impact on your life. It's ok for him to offload onto you but not the other way round?

Agree with @Prettyvase and @Lifeomars about being compassionate to this man and also yourself as you do feel weighed down by the knowledge.

Mind have this helpline and you could seek advice there 0300 123 3393

For your colleague

As well as Samaritans there is a national 24hr crisis service - text shout 85258

giveusashout.org/

Quite often people in that position CAN'T talk to wives and close friends because they worry about being judged. They will have changed in that person's eyes forever and they don't want that. That's why they ring Samaritans. No judgement, just someone to hear them. Ultimately counselling and therapy is what he needs but he has to be in the right place to accept that, and it sounds like him opening up to you is the first step. Continue to talk to him. Let him know you are happy to listen. Tell him about samaritans and MIND, but the main thing is to let him know you are there and you don't think less of him.
Really, that's all you can do without breaking his confidence and alienating him.

He might have things going on that you don't know about. Marriage might be a sham, might have secrets which are shocking. Sex, debt, drug issues. Might be being blackmailed about something. I know that's a bit of a take, but we really never know people.

I have been that wife.

Ask him if he has told her. Mine didn't initially. But when he started to recover he did tell me. He said he regretted not speaking to me about it earlier.

Don't go breaking his confidence by telling anyone but do bring the conversation up again and ask him if he has spoken to his wife and whether he is getting any counselling.

These are all steps to recovery

Oh come on it’s not a truly horrible thing to say. This situation has big red flags. The OP needs to consider if she is being manipulated. The fact that she is so shocked and upset makes me think she could be a well chosen target.

Hi I'm in mental health, I can hear that you respect, and are concerned for your colleague but that this is a heavy burden. I think may be he is reaching out to you as he feels a connection with you. I'm wondering if you feel able to provide him with some literature on private practice? Maybe just mentioning that you have a 'friend' who sees a private therapist and they've got a lot out of it.

This is just the one you happen to know about. There could well be several other people in your life that are in the same situation (outwardly happy and successful, inwardly suicidal).

I don't think that I would feel burdened by the knowledge if it was me. Unless I thought that he was in some sense asking me for help. Do you have any reason to believe that no one else is aware of his suicide attempts? Thany seems quite unlikely on the face of it.

Also wanted to say, that you must be a lovely compassionate person. He will need specialist help however, as much as you care, for your sake and his, having this conversation might move him on to the next stage. You can't force him to get help and it really isn't your role but encouraging him with honesty and compassion will hopefully bring him a little more insight. If you feel like he is at immediate risk then contacting the police is the next step. Use self compassion for you too on all of this, you didn't choose this role, it found you but it's really important that you look after yourself.

People who are suicidal often find it almost impossible to tell there nearest and dearest.