Something bothering me that I can't discuss with anyone irl *MNHQ CW for mention of suicide*

Another vote for the Samaritans. I think it's brave of him to talk to you and trust you with what he is going through, even though it's a tough one for you to carry this in your head.

The Sams are really good and can support you with this. They will have heard this 1000 times and will know the best way to navigate with sensitivity and empathy but also protecting your MH.

You sound lovely OP. I know some posters have felt cynical about this man's motives (and maybe they have seen things that have made them cynical - I know there are manipulative people out there), but I'm sure you have a gut feeling about how genuine he is in terms of his mental turmoil, as you know him in RL. We here are just internet guessers. The world needs more caring people, not less.

Look after yourself (first rule of first aid!) and I hope you find a way to balance this knowledge. If anything does happen, please don't blame yourself. At the end of the day, we can support someone but we are all responsible for our own lives. I would echo what a pp said - it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Remind him that no matter what dark place he's in with feelings and thoughts, he is valued and cared for and is important to others around him.

I have only felt like this a few times and it's a ghastly place to be and hard for yourself to rationalise with. But - If he just keeps going and gets some professional help things may shift and get better in time, in fact very very likely will.

Don't know if you have ever read a book called the choice (Edith Eger) but I found that very moving on the topic of suffering and what we 'do' with it.

Good luck.

I'm questioning the same thing, and I think you really need to unpack this before deciding what to do next op.

For context: I've been verrrry low before. Not at the point of attempting actual suicide, but definite ideation and wanting to not be alive any more. After much, much turmoil, I told: my husband. And then the psychotherapist he made me see. No one else knows to this day. We are all different, but I cannot for a second think of a scenario where I would've confided this to someone I've only "come in to contact with professionally"... you sound like relative strangers? Why would he tell you, do you think?

He has already told his gp, so you hold no actual responsibility to do anything- the relevant people already know the situation. So, in theory, nothing is required of you.

If I'm reading you correctly I believe it's a little more than simply not knowing what to 'do'. You've already established that there's nothing to be 'done'. I don't even think it's just wondering how you'll feel should he complete suicide. I think the real issue here is that you feel like you've simply been burdened with a dark secret....and you can't tell a soul.
I think you can tell someone though so long as you anonymise. You can anonymise yourself (as you have done on the post) and just talk through your feelings with The Samaritans. They also offer a text service. They really are there as a non judgemental listening ear. They might also be able to share some practical tips around how to steer the conversation should he bring this up again.
I think sharing this load will help.

I’ve had experience of this at work and it was awful. I had to cover for my manager who was having a nervous / mental breakdown and ended up shouldering the burden for him for months.

I would always be on edge if he had an outburst at work, I couldn’t escalate any issues and had to deal with big problems myself - often circumnavigating him (in case he would go off on one cause he wouldn’t deal with the stress). And somehow felt responsible for keeping this secret cause like you I was burdened with this information.

In the end I told HR as it was beginning to affect my mental health and I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I’m not working with this person anymore thankfully. He’s now got himself a psychiatrist any also on the road to recovery.

You have decide to do what is best for you.

I'd find the telephone number for the Samaritans and hand it to him with a note saying if he felt low again please ring Samaritans before you do anything.

Wow what a cold response.
This man chose to tell OP that he had made recent suicide attempts, and not surprisingly she’s somewhat shaken by it.

OP I know how you feel. I have a problem where people whether I know them well or not, will tell me their life story, innermost thoughts and feelings. When this happens just know that by listening you gave them what they needed.

If it’s a one off, there’s nothing for you to do. If it becomes more frequent or is taking an emotional toll just tell him you think a professional would be better able to help.

Maybe just reach out to him occasionally with a "just wanted to see if you're doing ok".

The bright stars in life are often very lonely because that shine can be part of the mask, covering up the insecurities etc. easing that loneliness a bit can help enormously.

It’s a terrible, cruel thing for him to do to you.

In my own life, the two people I loved and knew personally who committed suicide didn’t talk about it even once.
They just did it.

Go to his bosses. Go to his family. You owe it to him as a friend. And go to them ASAP.
Mostly you owe it to yourself to get this off your conscience.
It infuriates me that someone would actually do this to “a friend.” He isn’t your friend, though - a friend would never hold you emotionally hostage like that.

I get where you’re coming from OP. Often there’s nothing you can do but once someone tells you something like this, you sort of feel ‘responsible’ in a way. It’s easy for people to say ‘mind your business’ but that doesn’t diminish the guilt if something does happen and doesn’t get rid of the dread that something might happen.

If you aren’t a friend of this man then how do you know any of this? Something is very off with this.

Yep make sure you signpost to Samaritans etc and also encourage him to speak to someone he’s actually close to.

But I agree with everything @Smineusername says. Maybe I’m just cynical but he’s probably enjoying sending you into abit of a tizzy over him.

I think people who talk about it are often the people who are quite good at recognising themselves not being in a good place and vulnerable, sometimes there's a desire but the talking and less certain attempts is more a way of expressing and coping with ideation (a feeling that you'd like to, but not a decision that you're going to)

It doesn't seem like a relationship that's particularly balanced for him to choose you to do it to but if he sees you as an Aunty or mother type figure then perhaps that's why

People who did it who I knew never spoke of it before it happened either like a pp. I can't worry that everyone will, anyone could ... I would find it an immense burden in your shoes but try to rationalise to myself that they're talking ... so they recognise this and they can do something and are trying to ... and check they knew of various resources like samaritans and then I can't really do anything beyond that unless I'm given warning of an immediate emergency by them I guess

Maybe not the same.

Do you know if he’s on any medication?

I ask because several years ago I was prescribed meds for a medical condition. I knew there was a slight risk that it could cause suicidal ideation. Which it did. It lasted for a few months. I told my dh, sister & 2 friends who I did the school run with.

It was a difficult time for me & them. I feel terrible now about the burden I placed on them but I wanted them to know it wasn’t me behaving that way and for my two friends I was ferrying their children. They had a right to know and decide if they wanted me to.

I was prescribed the drug a last year as well and refused to take it. I’d rather be in physical pain than mental pain.

As for yourself talk it through with Samaritans as it’s a burden on you also.

Encourage him to seek professional advice that invloves counselling.
Arm him with the phone numbers of mental health emergency and immediate ambulance assistance etc.
Encourage him to share with his wife.
Encourage him to spend time walking or reading or playing in a park or garden every day, cutting back on alcohol and drugs and getting eight hours of sleep.
Encourage him to join a mens retreat or similar where men can speak and relax together.

I don't know if it works on other depressed people but I hate the platitude "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" it's dismissive and assumes to know what the person is dealing with. It's up there with "other people have it worse than you" which I also hate. OP doesn't even know what problems this man is dealing with. It's not offering any support or empathy just empty words. I agree with everything else you said, just not that platitude!

OP you are in a tough situation- I think you should just let him know you are there for him to listen (but urge him to share with his family and close friends instead if he can) but if he needs more professional advice to call the samaritans or talk to someone qualified.

It’s hard to know the dynamic of your relationship but, if you’re happy with it and it is appropriate then being someone he can talk to when needed and checking in on him is all you can do. In honesty he will know about Samaritans already

I’m also with smineusername. I am no spring chicken and my cynicism is raised. In any event, what can you do? Checking in isn’t going to stop him if he is already in touch with his GP

You can do something now. Urge him to speak to a counsellor, as a pp did with her self-harming friend. Check in with him regularly, text him the number to Samaritans now and then. You never know what day he might just click on the number and call them, as you made it easy for him. Ask him if he’s told his family. You may feel less burdened.

Yeah this is what I thought. Unless he had some kind of breakdown, he may just be enjoying the attention. I don't mean that to be unsympathetic. It's possible this man has real problems. But some people like messing with others and provoking an emotional reaction.

Another vote for @Smineusername and her take on it, also derived from too much interaction with similar people in the past. Cynical we may be, but we’ve become that way for very good reasons.
Look how this man who seemingly has it all is dragging the op into his life, burdening her with seriously heavy stuff, even though she hardly knows him… it’s highly manipulative and I’m prepared to bet he has an ulterior motive here.

Another cynic here too…

Sometimes people who are traumatised speak about it. A lot. It can be one of the symptoms of ptsd iirc. MH crises, like suicide attempts, are traumatic.

It is undeniably a burden to have the knowledge you do OP but sometimes we have knowledge we can’t do anything with and that’s just how it is. If you have contact with his family/friends you could reach out to them and establish a line of communication so you do have somewhere to go with any concerns you have. If it’s already normal that you would have communication with him, keep that up, if not maybe you could start sporadic ‘checking in’ through your shared professional interests.

Fwiw I don’t think he shared that with you for any other reason than just needing people to know that behind the successful persona he exists in a chaotic emotional state and it’s hard. Sometimes people just need others to know things about them to have a complete picture.

Why has he decided to tell you this? It’s an dd and inappropriate intimacy given how you’ve described your relationship to each other.

His health is not your responsibility.

I understand you feel burdened by this news, so maybe you need to speak to someone - does your company have a scheme where you can access counsellors (anonymously)?

Alternatively, speak to HR. Explain that you’ve been privy to sone sensitive information and not sure who to disclose it to. Safeguarding lead?