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Original poster

I've got a food addiction and I'm going to end up damaging myself.

118 replies

ShakeDatTing · 31/05/2023 22:26

I know it's psychological, I know it's comfort seeking. I know it stems from a traumatic childhood where I was verbally and physically abused but we always had plenty of food and my mother placated me with nice food to cover the guilt she felt.
Food was comforting.

My one night away a week with a family member always had lots of 'treats' sugary drinks, crisps, chocolates

I would come home from school and make a fried chips butty with so much mayo, before my tea.

It's how I made myself feel better.

After kids I just ballooned to almost 18stone.

I was on NHS waiting list for bariatric surgery but covid ruined everything and they told me in 2020 I was looking at 4 years wait list.

And even if I completed the therapy and courses I might not get the surgery.

I didn't have £10k to get it done in UK (with support and follow up)

So I borrowed 2.5k and went to Turkey.

The surgery was perfect, the care over there was great, I lost 100lbs. In the first 10 months.

But once I was able to eat again I never changed my diet or habits.

I just can't.

I've gained 16lbs

I hate myself for it. I will cry and go eat a chocolate bar.

I'll start a diet and by 6pm I'll be eating crisps and bread with butter.

I feel like I literally cannot stop myself from putting food in my mouth.

I'm so ashamed and I don't want to get huge again. I can't do it.

Even just gaining 16lbs I feel disgusting.

NON of my nice clothes fit. I look 4 months pregnant.

I can't do this to myself.

I deserve better but I just don't know how to seperate food and feelings :(

OP posts:

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 11:17

MoreMeltingThanMoments · 05/06/2023 10:58

So sorry for not reading the whole thread but a friend of mine completely sorted herself out by joining Overeating Anonymous (the food version of Alcoholics Anonymous). It’s all free https://www.oagb.org.uk/

I went on Saturday and hated it. Sorry.

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 11:17

Also it's not free. It was £4.50, which I had no idea about.

pineapple360 · 05/06/2023 11:24

Just want to confirm our OA doesn't charge anything - you can contribute voluntarily but there is no obligation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weight management

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 11:40

pineapple360 · 05/06/2023 11:24

Just want to confirm our OA doesn't charge anything - you can contribute voluntarily but there is no obligation.

They may have said 'voluntarily' but then passed me the money wallet directly so of course I felt obliged, even though I already knew it wasn't for me 😂

pineapple360 · 05/06/2023 11:55

Everything you have said about the meeting you attended sound dubious to me! So sorry that was your first experience of OA!

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 12:07

pineapple360 · 05/06/2023 11:55

Everything you have said about the meeting you attended sound dubious to me! So sorry that was your first experience of OA!

I think it's probably a long running, small group or people that are actually Christian so take it very seriously?

I don't know, it's just my luck to get that kind of meeting though. My anxiety was sky high 😂

mikado1 · 05/06/2023 13:43

Sounds like you're doing all the right things OP but support can definitely help in those troughs that will inevitably come. Maybe keep posting here? I wouldn't weigh much either tho I get that it is motivating. I got a fright when I hit my low/ideal/21 yo weight and it sent me in the other direction for a day or so before I righted myself again. Probably that diet mentality kicking in.

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 13:48

mikado1 · 05/06/2023 13:43

I got my husband to hide the scales as I instantly get obsessive over my weight the second I try to lose.

I realise I have an illness, disordered eating, I'm not sure what category I would fall into but I know I will need proper help.

At the minute I'm just trying to stay in the moment, not get overwhelmed and just keep reading things that have been helpful and writing down how I feel about things. And drinking lots of water.

mikado1 · 05/06/2023 13:50

You're doing brilliantly. That's exactly what my programme is recommending too re the emotional side plus as much self care and self kindness as you can load on yourself. I do find the option for daily meetings great. Keep it up, you can do it!

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 13:50

My target is to do what I'm doing until I go away in 6 weeks. I won't say exactly what I'm doing as I don't think it would be well recieved considering I know I have an eating disorder but it's working right now.

And then once I'm home and the expense of the holiday is over, look into private therapy for a more long term outlook/solution.

mikado1 · 05/06/2023 13:54

A plan is good. Wishing you the very best. If you want the info on mine, just dm. And likewise if you need a buddy for support.

mikado1 · 05/06/2023 14:58

PS You know no doubt, but healthy fats are your friend!!
(Ipromise no more unsolicited advice 😆 but I'm cheering you on!)

ShakeDatTing2 · 05/06/2023 16:38

I'm doing a shake/keto kind of thing but low calorie.

Just for a few weeks.

ShakeDatTing2 · 06/06/2023 09:24

I had a really bad night last night.

I just wanted something chocolaty.

An Di told myself I could have 1 of those little Maryland cookies but when I went to get one there was none left. So I thought right OK, never mind.

Then I had eggs that needed using so I made the kids pancakes with syrup and strawberries.

Part of me wanted to push my will power because I'd controlled myself for a few days.

I ended up scoffing one, covered in syrup, in the kitchen so my DH didn't see. Immediately felt shame :(

It was a big fluffy. American pancake.

I them just felt awful, physically and emotionally and asked DH uotonrun me a bath.

And I purposely threw it up.

I do often throw sweet things up because of my gastric sleeve but this was intentional and I feel so stupid.

I was obessinlg over keoto sticks still being positive this morning.

I think it's just proved to me that this really is a mental illness and no 'diet' is going to be 'the right one' or fix things.

I'm definitely going to pay for therapy after my holiday.

mikado1 · 06/06/2023 12:21

All too familiar... 💐

Sometimes the hard experience is worth it for what you learn from it. It can't be a diet for sure. Great you have decided on a therapy plan post holiday. Have a lovely time.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 06/06/2023 15:34

Interesting as I felt OA was very weird too - I was constantly being accused of saying the wrong thing and offending people, no one seemed to be in charge or know what was going on, it was just like a few people had got together, made up some secret rules and then sat in judgement on anyone who didn't "get" what they were up to. Reminded me of a pastiche of a Masonic meeting! I tried for about 3 months then threw the towel in. However, I really admire anyone who tries it, and it IS really worth a try because you might be one of the ones who "gets it" and benefits from "it".

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 06/06/2023 15:35

Also well done OP for recognising some of the things you are going through and having a plan for post holiday therapy.

LancashireSquirrel · 06/06/2023 20:37