Things you'd put on people's status updates if you weren't as nice as you are

[Buddleja]

having just had a nose at my facebook home page today mine would be

"I really don't care what 'delicious' food you have cooked for dinner today, I wasn't interested yesterday either"

you are fucking dull.

Hmmmm that one would suit to ditavonteesed.

Well unless you are talking to me

he he, no the person on my facebook who seems to think it'd twttier, I don't give a shit if you are having a cup of tea or your uncle smells of fish.

WHERE IS ALL THIS MYTHICAL WORK YOU'RE DOING???

(to my boss)

'i had chicken for tea LOL'

WTF is funny?

( someone who posts LOL on the end of everything

you are a bloody loon

I'm really not very interested in whether or not you Wuv Kev 4Ever - he's in jail for common assault during a drunken brawl, and if your IQ was half as high as your weight in kilos you'd change the damn locks.

get a room! to the couple going on about how much they love each other and how happy they are together

your child is neither that gorgous, nor that badly behaved, nor that well behaved. stop updating me every three hours about what he has been upto. i dont really want to know about the contents of his nappy, or where he chucked his banana and turnip puree

why are you moaning about missing your kids now they have gone to their dads when you have spent the last few months moaning about them?

ooh, just written out about 3 messages and had to delete them they were way too vitriolic. needles to say, i 'hid' somebody.

'stop moaning about being bored and get a job'

to a student updating every hour about being bored now the exams are over

'stop listing every symtom, we all know you're ill'

to a colleague who is off work sick

'yes we're know your pregnant and overdue and fedup'

to a friend updating every 20 minutes with things like 'still here will this baby ever come out'

And breathe

"This status update is intentionally dull."

One of my FB friends has actually scanned in her PFB's first school report (which is obviously 'glowing').... apart from me being shocked at the unashamed boastfulness of it, I would love to tell her no-one will actually care - except for the Grandparents.

'If you need to tell us daily that your life is so perfect, you have the BEST dh,children, life and job and that you just love being you and your life is perfect........then it quite obviously isn't. The rest of us are too busy juggling our slightly stressful jobs, absent partners, choas kids, sick parents, redundancy and keeping our heads above water to update daily and read your vomit inducing clap-trap'.

I sound very bitter

coffeefestival- I might use that, with your permission

stop boasting about your jet set lifestyle. It is driving me mad.

Stop winging / being a drama queen / getting pissed like you're still 18yo.

You are racist, and so are most of your relatives, apparently.

I've a friend who keeps posting cryptic status updates like "X is so f'ing sick of the backstabbing from certain people" or "X just wishes certian people would get a life".

I just really want to type "Bloody tell the person then, or at least put their names on here so I know who it is!!!

(Actually the only reason I haven't said this is because I'm a coward)

There is someone who I might block if I wasn't so nosy - she is ALWAYS complaining! She is either ill all the time, or her husband is busy working, or no one has responded to say they are coming to her bodyshop parties...OMG.

I just want to say, FGS look at how lucky and blessed you are...Stop bloody moaning all the time you miserable cow.

Then she complains to say that her friends seem to have dropped her - YES it is because you are such a mood hoover

And breathe...

No I won't re-post your nonsense status update, it won't change any bloody thing at all and all it does is irritate the shit out of me.

'Next person to write a bloody X-Factor related status dies.'

My facebook is taken over by this shite.

"Stop boasting and clean your house! It was a right bloody tip last time we were there..."

(Indeed, you could be forgiven for thinking everyone who posts on Facebook is always doing wonderful cooking and has a great time "with great friends" every weekend, is always clubbing or going out to "a fancy restaurant", as Prince would have it... I do have some honest friends who will post when things are going a bit shit too!)